All posts by D.D. Crowley

A true nerd at heart and unashamed about it. The weird friend who knows things about a lot of fandoms but who you can't take anywhere.

“Weekend at Bernie’s II” is the Superior Film

Nothing makes you feel older than the things you loved from your childhood coming back into fashion and being called “retro.” Fuck! It is that time already? The movies I grew up on were some of the funniest, silliest and most entertaining movies and compared to today’s standards seemed more wholesome, even when they weren’t. One of my favorites was the Weekend at Bernie’s movies.

Weekend At Bernie's II

Only two movies in the line, the idea was hilarious. Two poon hounds (Andrew McCarthy and John Silverman) find out someone is embezzling from the firm they work for. Little do they know the embezzler is their boss they reported it to. He invites them to his beach house as a “thank you” (aka come get super murdered) but not before getting himself assassinated by a mafia man for fooling around with his girlfriend. The guys show up, Bernie Lomax(Terry Kiser)is dead, but they pretend he is still alive, confusing the hitman and essentially putting them in the line of fire.

If that wasn’t enough felony fun for you, Weekend at Bernie’s II brings voodoo into the mix. To try and find the money that Bernie embezzled, a cartel hired a voodoo priestess to raise Bernie from the dead to lead them to the money in St. Thomas. However, the voodoo goons fuck up and Bernie only moves when he hears music.

Just re-watching that scene to write this had me howling. This movie is comedy gold, if only for the dead man dance. I can’t count the number of times I have performed the Bernie flop and shake and Kiser is a trooper in this movie, too. The slapstick physical comedy in this movie is pure 80’s/90’s charm. I fucking lost it during the harpoon scene. But why is Weekend at Bernie’s II the superior film? Because the corpse of Bernie Lomax gets the chance to truly be its own character. In the first one it was all about the wacky scenarios that McCarthy and Silverman got into, but in this movie, it’s, “OMG, where the fuck did Bernie go? Shit, he danced into the damn ocean.”

M8DWEAT EC006

The first movie was necessary to set the tone and solidify the characters and the second movie was their chance to really have fun with it. It wasn’t silly on the level of Mel Brooks, so it still felt original and not like a parody. Much like with Ghostbusters, I prefer the second movie over the first. Uh oh, I can already hear the angry mob gathering on that one.

When it comes to movies from this time period, Weekend at Bernie’s II is right up there with Captain Ron and The Burbs. And You’ll be hearing from me about The Burbs in the future.

Weekend At Bernie’s II

The Dick Debate: “Labyrinth” Edition

Everyone has a movie that no matter how many times they see it, they can watch it 100 more times and it still won’t get old. And not only that, but they can put on a one (wo)man show for you and quote every single line and annoy the fuck out of you while you’re trying to watch it. That movie, for me, is the 1987 classic Labyrinth. That movie, along with the codpiece controversy, will forever be a part of me.

For those of you who don’t know the movie, and who the hell doesn’t know the movie, it follows Sarah, a 16-ish-year-old girl that hates her life and her step-mother and her half-brother. She’s a teenager and everything sucks…obv. So, one night while babysitting Baby Waldo’s understudy, she tells the story of a Goblin King that fell in love with a girl way too young for him and granted her wish of taking the baby away. To her surprise it’s true and Toby, the baby, is stolen away by Jareth, the sexiest Goblin King in the land, played by the incomparable David Bowie.

I saw this movie when I was four and fell in love with David Bowie as much as any toddler could. Here I am in my thirties and that never changed. This movie for me like with many women my age began a lifelong crush on the famously androgynous and out of this worldly talented man known as Ziggy Stardust and The Thin White Duke.

labyrinth

I can’t tell you how many times I wished I was Sarah in that ballroom in the dress with the MASSIVE sleeves.

But with this movie lies a nagging question that haunts viewers to this very day…was David Bowie actually wearing a codpiece? Could we analyze the blatant sexuality references, the fact that a grown ass man was in love with a teenage girl or the fact that the creatures who took their heads off are the things of pure nightmares? Yeah, we could, but why would we when there are more pressing issues.

I present to you exhibit A.

labyrinth the creedence tapes

Now, I don’t mind searching David Bowie’s junk on the internet, may he rest in peace, but I have something to say…that’s NOT a codpiece. THIS is a codpiece.

labyrinth bbc

That’s ridiculous and I think we can all agree that’s not what Bowie is dealing with. The costume designers purposely made his pants REALLY tight because he was supposed to be alluring and desirable like a rock star but maybe something was there to smooth things out a bit; the penile equivalent of nipple covers, but that’s it. Let’s put the debate to rest right here. That’s all Bowie. If you love Labyrinth facts, check out this little slice from Buzzfeed.

labyrinth pinterest

And I debated writing this since we lost Bowie in 2016, but I can promise, there are fewer bigger fans than I. I have the utmost respect for the man, his movies, and his music. But as a young girl in the 80’s and 90’s, that bulge was just as much a part of my growing up as Saved By the Bell and Backstreet Boys.

And here, have a little dance while you’re here and sleep peacefully knowing we have settled the dick debate here and now…probably.

Labyrinth (30th Anniversary Edition) [Blu-ray]