Tag Archives: Nightmare Nostalgia

2-Disc Special Edition “Black Eagle” Coming to MVD Rewind!

Here at Nightmare Nostalgia, we’re all about those retro titles getting the sometimes much needed, HD treatment. Well, thanks to MVD Entertainment and its launched MVD Rewind collection we get not just any ole’ special edition but THEE  definitive edition of BLACK EAGLE.

Per the press release, this 80’s action classic includes two versions of the film and over two hours of additional material including deleted scenes and all-new interviews produced exclusively for this release. Housed in a limited edition “retro style” slipcover with the film’s original 80’s artwork, the slip will only be available on the first pressing and once MVD runs out… it’s gone (the slipcover… not the release).

SYNOPSIS: After an F-11 gets shot down over the Mediterranean Sea, The U.S. government cannot afford to lose the top-secret laser tracking device that was on board. But unfortunately, the KGB team lead by the infamous Andrei (Jean-Claude Van Damme, The Expendables 2, Universal Soldier) are beating the CIA in the race to find it. The CIA has no choice but to call in their best man, master martial-artist Ken Tani (Sho Kosugi, Ninja Assassin, Revenge of the Ninja), code name… BLACK EAGLE. In response, the KGB resorts to an all-out war, with powerful Andrei matching Ken blow for blow. From legendary action director Eric Karson (The Octagon), Black Eagle also stars Doran Clark (The Warriors), Bruce French (Jurassic Park III) and William Bassett (House of 1000 Corpses).

 

SPECIAL EDITION FEATURES
  • High Definition Blu-ray (1080p) and Standard Definition DVD presentations of the main feature.
  • Original 2.0 Stereo Audio (Uncompressed PCM on the Blu-ray) and Dolby Digital 5.1.
  • Includes 93-minute theatrical version + 104-minute uncut extended version of the film.
  • Sho Kosugi: Martial Arts Legend (HD, 21:26) (featuring new interviews with Sho Kosugi and Shane Kosugi and more) MVD Rewind EXCLUSIVE!
  • The Making of BLACK EAGLE (HD, 35:50)(featuring new interviews with Director / Producer Eric Karson, Screenwriter Michael Gonzalez and stars Sho Kosugi, Doran Clark, Shane Kosugi and Dorota Puzio) MVD Rewind EXCLUSIVE!
  • Tales of Jean-Claude Van Damme (HD, 19:20) (Brand new interviews with cast and crew tell stories about working with the legendary action star) MVD Rewind EXCLUSIVE!
  • The Script and the Screenwriters (HD, 27:14) (featuring Michael Gonzales, Eric Karson and more) MVD Rewind EXCLUSIVE!
  • Deleted Scenes
  • Original Theatrical Trailer (SD)
  • Collectible Poster

 

 

Coming February 27th to the MVD shop, you can pre-order your special edition now by clicking here!

10 Most Rockin’ ’80s Cartoon Intros

 

If there’s anything we can remember distinctively about our favorite cartoons from our childhood, it’s most certainly the intros. The  ’80s are undeniably associated with over-the-top awesome music, bright colors, and spandex galore. So when it came to dazzling the eyes and ears of children of the era via animation, it came as no exception.

Even if it’s been 20 plus years since you’ve laid eyes on your favorite Saturday morning splendor, chances are you can totally remember that rockin’ tune that opened the portal to the castle of Greyskull or man-cats in blue spandex. I’m even willing to bet you probably catch yourself humming one of these intros every so often, like a trapped vortex of ’80s epicness spinning around in your dome. Well, if not, you’re about to for sure. And I’m not the least bit sorry about it!

I have to say it was pretty daunting ranking these magnificent ‘toon openers. The only proper way to get this task fairly done was to use the “head-bobbing method”. Basically, how hard it got my head bobbing back and forth like an idiot headed to the Roxbury.

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Anyways, according to the all mighty head bob, here are the 10 greatest cartoon intros of the ’80s!

 

10. Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling

Sadly, (and this is so irritating of the WWE) anytime someone uploads that glorious intro to Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling, it gets taken down pretty quick. Sometimes you’ll be lucky if you catch it. But today is not that day my lovely readers. Luckily enough this kick-ass tune is quite awesome enough to hold on its own. Now just imagine Hogan and his animated buddies hopping in the Wrestling Roadster, while being chased down by Piper and his posse. Then a live-action, fully dressed in red spandex Hogan walking the city streets fist-pumping to this fine tune. You’re welcome.

 

9. Heathcliff

He may have not been quite as popular as that other smartass orange cat, but goddamn if he didn’t have the better cartoon opener. I don’t remember one thing about this show, other than the cool alley cats. But I sure as shit can sing this tune without skipping a beat. That has to count for something.

 

8. Ducktales 

Oh man, this one hits right into the nostalgia membranes-woo-hoo! Even if you never watched this, (and who are you if you didn’t) you remember and KNOW every word to this song- woo-hoo! Shit, now I can’t stop with the woo-hoos’. Curse you McDuck!

Just kidding. We love you. Woo-hoo.  RIP Alan Young.

 

7. Transformers

Muck like with Ducktales, chances are you at least know some of the lyrics. Come on, who doesn’t recognize, “Robots in disguise“? You’d seriously have to have been living in Gollum’s cave of riddles to not know at least that part. Plus, it’s basically robots fighting each other. What’s not to love here?

 

6. Alvin and the Chipmunks

It was inevitable a show centered around a trio of singing chipmunks that parody Michael Jackson songs were going to end up on this list. I mean, if the intro theme can’t suck us into a show of that nature, you’re kind of screwed. Love or hate the talking tree rodents, that tune is undeniably catchy.

5. Thundercats

HOOOOOOOOO!!!!

This intro gives you ZERO explanation of what this show is about. But the flashing lights, super ’80s-ish music, and all the energetic ass-kicking sucked you in anyway. When you heard this as a kid, you got damn excited to plop a squat on that oversized bean-bag chair and watch this badassery with a big bowl of cereal. And then maybe whack your little brother over the head with your plastic sword in the midst of all the excitement.

 

 

4. The Real Ghostbusters

Well of course, the more animated theme of  Ray Parker Jr’s smash hit from the 1984 blockbuster of the same name, was going to be included. Hell, even Rowan is getting down on this rockin’ classic intro to, quite frankly, one of the most badass cartoons to ever grace the screen on Saturday Morning.

 

3. He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

The most powerful man in the universe also had one of the most powerful (and fuckin’ spectacular) intro themes in cartoon history. Much like with Thundercats, the opener is bright, flashy, and raging with testosterone; making you want to just sit the hell down and satisfy your senses with Skeletor mercilessly ripping into the He-Fool with epic insults. Face it guys- the Bone Daddy of Eternia was the real star here.

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2. Jem and the Holograms

There could be an argumentive debate on which Jem intro is superior- the other I’m referring to is the Barbie-like “Jem Girl” theme. However, the fact that The Misfits don’t get a little solo bit in the latter, automatically makes it the weaker version in my own humble opinion. Also, this may be another unpopular opinion on my side, but while Jem and her friends are truly outrageous in their own right, The Misfits had the better songs, period. I can only imagine what kind of rad as hell intro could have been with Pizzazz at the helm. Oh Hell, just bring them back and give them their own show already.

 

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I think it might be fair to say that the Ninja Turtles not only reign as High King for cartoon intros but quite possibly the animated era of the ’80s altogether. When poor He-Man fell from grace (that atrocious 1987 film may have been the final nail in the coffin), four smart-ass teenage kung-fu mutants took the crown as THEE most popular show for both boys and girls for the remainder of the decade. The exciting in-your-face opener is just the greasy pepperoni on top of a delicious pizza with a load of glorious ’80s cheese (but not too much) and a perfect solid dough underneath, Making this not only the most kick-ass intro to really get you excited for an episode but one of the greatest cartoons of the decade as well.

Great, now I just made myself hungry. Now if you’ll excuse me I have tomato bread to consume.

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What’s your favorite animated ’80s intro? Stay tuned as we dive into righteous ’90s next week!

 

 

Vintage Halloween Horrors: The Creepiest Ben Cooper Masks Ever Put on the Market

It’s not an opinion- it’s science folks. The beloved Ben Cooper masks and costumes are a symbol of yesteryear’s Halloween. A time where making the neighborhood rounds in noisy plastic costumes while carrying your mom’s pillowcase for the candy haul, or if you were the cool kid, a McDonald’s McBoo Bucket, was the highlight of the year for many little horror-heads everywhere. Whether your Ben Cooper costume of choice was a Master of the Universe, or the doll of false dreams Barbie, I think we can all collectively agree that while we all thought we looked super cool, turns out we really were creeping the shit out our parental units with what my Dad refers to as, “Plastic Heart-Attacks.”

 
I suppose he has a bit of a point…

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Although completely unintentional I’m sure, there truly is no denying the subtle creep factor these costumes gave off looking back on them now with adult(ish) eyes. While of course, these collective images of plas-tastic nightmares are on top of my unsettling Ben Cooper masks list, I challenge anyone reading this to say that they could never picture a serial killer hiding underneath these simple, yet chilling stringed- facial huggers.

Happy the Clown

Ben Cooper Clown

Image via Etsy

 

Straight out of your worst nightmares, Happy the Clown surfaced from the company sometime in the ‘80s and in my humble opinion, is the damn creepiest of the many Cooper clown variants over the years. Possibly due to the fact it always reminded me of the heavier set of the trio of clowns from 1989’s Clownhouse. Just. NOPE.

Ghostbusters Egon

Egon Ben Cooper

Image via Etsy

This Egon mask take from The Real Ghostbusters Saturday morning splendor from the mid-‘80s is pretty much the scariest thing ever. My train of thought runs, the simpler the mask, the creepier it comes across. The mildly surprised expression from the Ghostbustin’ favorite makes for something quite eerie here. Give me the ghosts over this plastic nightmare any day.

Beatle Paul McCartney

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Image via Pinterest

 

This. Is just bizarre, and I can’t look away. Perhaps what is most perplexing, is how the hell this was deemed a normal mask in 1964. Vintage Halloween never seems to let me down as modern times doesn’t hold a candle to this kind of gem. As stated, my favorite part about this is that is not meant to come off as creepy. Beatlemania never looked so damn terrifying.

 

King Kong (1976)

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Image via Etsy

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Image via Ebay– Both equally as horrifying.

Because 1976 Kong wasn’t quite scary enough, the fine folks at the Ben Cooper Company just had to release this little number. OK, I know you’re probably thinking, this isn’t so bad? I’ll admit, this is a more personal thing for myself, as 76 Kong traumatized the crap out of me when I was a kid. Aside from the freaky mask, the smock is wonderfully designed with Kong in battle atop the World Trade Center. Which just reminds me of the gory as hell ending from the Dino De Laurentiis production. I got my big girl panties on. Bring on the jokes.

 

Hairy & Scary

hairy and scary

Image via Pinterest

The Hairy & Scary line of Cooper masks add a little extra edge and while all variants of the curly-headed mask are sufficiently frightening on their own, THIS gorilla mask races to the front of the line with the creep factor. Although if you’re asking me, the mask looks more like its channeling the Zuni doll from Trilogy of Terror. Which is why I felt like I would be doing a disservice to readers if I didn’t mention this sucker.

 

The Chattermouth Cooper Variant

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Image via Etsy

The highly recognizable Chattermouth Ben Cooper line that disables those muffled voices inside the plastic masks, and stepping up the game with a moveable jawline. Productive? Yes. Less horrifying? Not even a little bit.

 

Phantom of the Opera

phantom

Image via Pinterest

The 1964 Phantom Ben Cooper mask looks more like Leatherface than a Phantom, but maybe that’s why it’s so damn scary. The acidic burns on both sides of the face rather than just the one, gives this version of the Phantom in the Ben Cooper universe a slight edge, even if it’s not what we’re accustomed to seeing. I like that ballsy move. You have to respect that.

 

Hobo with a Bowtie

hobo

Image via Etsy

Clearly, the Ben Cooper Hobo is modeled after the infamous melancholy hobo clown Emmett Kelly. If I’m wrong, there’s a hell of a resemblance going on there. Either way, you can’t argue the unnerving facial structure.
The smell of colorful plastic under your nostrils and vinyl smocks ensured that the “High Priest of Halloween” company dominated the scene of Samhain in not just the ‘70s and ‘80s, but for over 50 glorious years until the company’s fold in the early ‘90s. However, a recent exclusive with the son of the “Halston of Halloween” himself Ira J. Cooper over at Bloody Disgusting revealed that the company are in the early stages of a relaunch of the popular brand, giving us fans of what we deem, a true Halloween national treasure some hope for a return of some all-time favorites.

Is there a particular Cooper mask or costume that you feel should be included? Let’s discuss some creeptastic retro Halloween fuzzies below!

 

[Video] When Matthew McConaughey Made His Shirtless Debut on ‘Unsolved Mysteries’

Chances are if you’re over 30, you damn well know Unsolved Mysteries was the greatest and most terrifying thing you saw on prime-time TV. The weekly program about unexplained phenomena, strange murders, and sometimes featuring a beautifully grainy image of Bigfoot, did a fantastic job of making me think escaped murderers were lurking in my backyard late at night.

I fondly remember being the ripe ole age of five, when my stunning Nan (Grandmother) introduced me to that horrifying theme song followed by Robert Stack and his haunting tales of true terror and persuasive speculation on mysterious legends. We had just sat down in the living area after becoming near comatose after a heavy meal of pasta and meatballs. My dear sweet Nana ruled her house with a wooden spoon, usually dripping with tomato sauce. Even if it was against our will, we were going to sit down, shut the hell up, and witness the glorious splendor of Sir Stack grace that obnoxiously humongous floor television set. Although some of the programming most certainly gave me the skeevies at a young age and resulted in a few sleepless nights, over time it became one of my go-to series’ as a kid and into young adulthood.

Thank you Robert Stack for the countless night terrors.

unsolved-mysteries

 

So now that you know about thine fondness for the Stack and the eerie show, I really couldn’t be more excited that the show is now FINALLY able to stream on Amazon for Prime members. So it goes without saying, I haven’t had much of a social life since the Stack episodes hit streaming. Given the program’s absence from streaming sites as long as these services have been available, watching Unsolved Mysteries now is like watching it for the first time. Minus a few fuzzy memories here and there when certain memorable clips arise from episodes. The music will send shivers down your spine, and the stunning reenactments paired with an abundance of ’80s mullet will give all the warm fuzzy feelers.

While I must confess the acting wasn’t always that stellar, did you know that a certain Oscar-winning actor made his screen debut on the series? The righteous Matthew McConaughey stepped on-screen for the first time in 1992 on the creepy crime program.

Alright, alright, alriiiiiiight.

McConaughey appeared as a murder victim in season five, episode twelve of the series portraying 26-year-old Larry Dickens- who was brutally murdered in front of his mother’s home back in 1978. Courtesy of Funny or Die, (I mean, I suppose it’s all in how you look it for this to even be up there?), watch the full video at the link below! Enjoy!

//www.funnyordie.com/embed/c7d030000c

 

[Video] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Coming Out of Their Shells on Oprah

Need 43 minutes to waste? Call up your local Pizza Hut, grab your 20-year-old TMNT pillowcase and let’s get down on some horribly bad costumed Ninja Turtles on the Oprah Winfrey show.

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You’d really have to be living in a sewer back in the late ’80s and early ’90s if you hadn’t seen a single episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Skateboarding teenage amphibians and talking rats along with Bebop and Rocksteady were LIFE. I’m proud to claim my insane devotion to TurtleMania that swept the era of Saturday Morning goodness. However, I don’t know if I can ever have the strength to defend that insanely wacky “Coming Out of Their Shells” album and tour from 1990.

Good God, it’s Magic Mike, Donatello.

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Yeah, I got nothing. No words.

Anyways, on the heels of a successful Saturday morning national treasure, and that first feature-length kick-ass movie, the Turtles moved into the music scene with a live tour and album- sponsored by who else? Pizza Hut, duh.  The “Coming Out of Their Shells” tour was promoted on the original release of the TMNT VHS movie from 1990, (if anyone actually remembers), among countless commercials from the nationwide pizza chain. The show itself, which did air live on PayPer View once, showcased the mean, green heroes dancing, singing timeless hits such as, “Pizza Power” and “Skipping Stones”, and playing instruments because hey, they were a band now.  We had Donatello on keys, Leonardo on bass guitar, Michelangelo on guitar, and Raphael on drums while also making Kenny G envious of his sweet saxophone skills. Of course, the show wouldn’t be complete without the Turtles’ arch-nemesis Shredder. And oh yes, his costume is just as awfully stupendous. The Shred-Head, along with buggy brainiac Baxtor Stockman, invent a device that steals all the music in the world while also weakening the Turtles if they stand too close to it. So there we have an epically staged cornfest of singing turtles saving the day. But man, it sure didn’t seem that way when we were kids. Am I right?

Or maybe not…

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Well in any regard, the power of the Turtle was so strong even the mighty Oprah had to acknowledge it with a full show dedicated to the four mutants and their traveling live album. The audience was PACKED with little TMNT enthusiasts as you can umm, see above. I would only assume that horrified look above may have been from Oprah’s question to the Turtles on whether they wish April was a turtle like themselves. In which good ole’ Ralphel replies, “Well, I’ve been trying to talk her into an interspecies relationship for months now.” That poor woman playing April O’ Neil looks so horrified.

Something tells me there is NO WAY that would fly in this day and age. Ahh, well gotta love the ’90s! Check out the entire show below courtesy of the Digsy channel.

 

 

Ivan Drago: The Horror Icon of the Rocky Franchise

As a youngling, and to this very day, Stallone’s Rocky character was and is my goddamn hero. The message of the Rocky films, and the character itself is so powerful- which is why it remains such a time-honored classic. Never give up, chase your dreams, and be the best you, you can be. A solid lesson in life any adult or child should take and run with. As a kid, I was both obsessed with these movies (I still totally am) because of the exuberant heart this franchise lays on the line.

OK, the sweet-ass montages might play a part in this as well. Warning: Watching this video may cause a sudden sprout of chest hairs. 

Now, by the time Rocky IV came around in 1985, our Italian Stallion seemed to be on top of the world. He’s the undisputed champion, gained a best friend in his two-time opponent Apollo Creed, and has more money than I think he knows how to spend- I mean, the guy is buying robot slaves for people’s birthdays’. Must be nice, eh? Seems like things are exactly where they should be in Roc’s life, and seriously, nobody deserves it more than him.

But that’s how most horror movies start out, isn’t it?

An up and coming Russian boxer, Ivan Drago, invades into the US with his Olympic Gold-medalist wife, and his evil as Hell political posse looking to pick a fight with Balboa. They figure he’s the best, so why not go straight for it. However, Creed who is a bit past his prime opts to fight in an exhibition match with the silent blonde giant in what seems like the result of both a little jealousy, and the fact he needs to prove he’s still got it as a fighter.

BIG MISTAKE THERE BUDDY- IT AIN’T ALL IN THE HIPS.

The sequence we see before the actual match between Drago and Creed, scared the literal crap out of me as a kid. I mean, his silent stance and glaring eyes are intimidating enough. His character really doesn’t need any extra help to look like a goddamn murderer waiting to snap. But hey, enter composing score genius Vince DiCola, and everyone is about to shit their pants.

Then what happens? Drago KILLS Creed. Completly pulverizes this man’s face and bashes his brain in until Apollo is left twitching on the mat. All as his poor wife looks on in horror. As a kid seeing this for the first time, I just sat there and cried my damn eyeballs out. I couldn’t believe this shit. This monster, glaring into Rocky’s eyes, while wife Ludmilla (Brigitte Nielson)  is sitting at her table smoking and smirking like a jerkoff, expresses zero emotion with no fucks given for what he just did. Them’s are the traits of a classic serial killer folks.

“If he dies, he dies..”

What a heartless asshole.

So of course, Rocky needs to seek his vengeance. He heads to Russia (per the terms to fight Drago), grows an epic beard, and trains like a madman to face his toughest and scariest opponent to date. While an argument can be made that Drago was controlled and treated like a lab rat by his handlers, I like to think he had some sort of control of what he was doing. Towards the end of the fight with Rocky, he clearly lets the higher powers know he IS running the show. So perhaps he’s been influenced a tad, but I really don’t think they were totally to blame here.

In actuality, we really don’t know anything about Drago or his background before his fight with Creed- expect for he was a soldier. The absence of knowing what makes him tick, his tense presence, and that spine-shivering Drago Suite makes him a scary character in the world of cinema indeed. I could even go as far to compare him to Michael Myers. Oh yes, we’re going there. Everything I just said about Drago, applies to Haddonfield’s finest maniac as well. Regarding the first Halloween film, Myers was an effective and scary as hell villain because he had no rhyme or reason, no background explanation, and John Carpenter’s chilling score made him all that much more frightening.

So yeah, as a child and fearing for the life of my beloved hero at the hands of a soulless, steroid-infused boxer was quite terrifying by any means. I’m not going to lie, hearing that DiCola theme still gives me a bit of the skeevies. So here’s to you Ivan Drago: the unnamed horror icon hiding in plain sight inside the Rocky franchise.

I swear to everything holy about Mighty Mick’s Gym if they play this theme in Creed 2 to introduce Drago once again, I’m going to have to have both all the happy and horrified heart-attacks.

Rocky IV

In-Between Poltergeist, Heather O’ Rourke Charmed Us With Rainbow Brite Commercials

In 1984, the first Apple Macintosh computer went up for sale commercially, Madonna humped the stage at the first MTV video awards, and Ghostbusters rocked theaters around the world. But, most importantly, a little toy was introduced to millions of young girls all over the world that was about as glorious and magical that can only be compared to Rambo riding a Unicorn. That toy my friends, was Rainbow Brite.

 

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Image via Yellow80s

Introduced by Hallmark and following the success of Care Bears, phenom toy company Mattel acquired the license to make a line of unique and colorful dolls that every little girl would run their grandmother over to own. The Rainbow Brite line launched in 1984 alongside the animated series with originally just Rainbow Brite and four color kids (Red Butler, Canary Yellow, Patty O’ Green, and Indigo) with sprite friends included.

Might I add, if you’ve managed to keep these dolls over the past 30+ years WITH their sprites, kudos to you because in a lot of cases those little bastards get lost over time.

Of course, the franchise that vomited rainbows and star sprinkles all over the shag carpet advertised countless other toys, books, and audio tapes for Rainbowland seekers. However, the dolls themselves are the holy grail of the merch line. And we needed someone just as adorable and endearing to pawn these 10′ plush dolls with plastic heads to young girls on a national level. Who better than Heather O’ Rourke? Because hey, she knows a thing or two about interdimensional traveling to other worlds, am I right?

Check out the Poltergeist star below spreading Rainbowland love commercially!

 

 

 

 

That Moment in WWE Wrestling History That Scared Every Kid Watching

I don’t care if you were the toughest 11-year-old on the block. When this moment came out of nowhere during the Saturday morning program Superstars of Wrestling, you were shook. And possibly pissing your pants if you were really upset.

 

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I miss the good ole days of Wrestling when McMahon gave no fucks about making a kid cry.

The bite heard around the world back on November 23rd, 1991 all started back with the infamous Career Ending Match between Randy Savage and the Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania 7- in which The Madness lost to the Warrior after a grueling back and forth that I considered, the REAL main event of the evening. While a dazed Savage attempted to gather his bearings after his defeat, his manager at the time Scary, I mean the Sensational Queen Sherri took her frustrations out on Randy by mercifully kicking the man while he’s down (literally). Unbeknownst to anyone other than the announcers, Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan who spotted her before the start of the match, the lovely Elizabeth who had stayed by Savage’s side for years before a fallout, looked on in horror as she watched Savage be absolutely humiliated. That is until, she hopped the railings, into the ring, grabbed Sherri by the hair, and flung her ass out like a piece of hot trash. Thus reuniting the infamous duo, leading them into the first-ever WWF Pay Per View wedding appropriately called, the Match Made in Heaven to be aired during Summerslam ’91. Well, it was adorable and all, but the real action happened during the reception…

Randy and Elizabeth opening gifts from guests looking all super happy and whatnot turns into terror as Elizabeth opens a gift containing a snake that pops up like a twisted jack-in-box. Then out of nowhere, both Jake the Snake and The Undertaker run in with a surprise beat down for the Groom. Which totally confused me at the time because there was NO REASON for any of this to even happen, on top of the fact Jake was one of the most popular wrestlers in the WWF, goddamnit, WWE up until the incident. It’s like Jake woke up that day deciding to turn heel and he was going to be the biggest prick possible. I mean, seriously, anyone wanting to hurt or even frighten Miss Elizabeth was automatically the biggest piece of shit on the face of the Earth.

Like, seriously how dare you Jake.

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via palooza.com

Anyway, with Savage being barred from wrestling via the Career Ending Match, he couldn’t get his hands on Roberts for revenge. However, Jake continued to taunt the man for months even dropping Elizabeth’s name in promos to further infuriate him. Well, during one fine Saturday morning during Superstars of Wrestling, it all came to a head and The Mad One couldn’t take the assault on his manhood anymore. After Jake pinned some no-namer, he grabbed a microphone and addressed Savage, who was doing commentary; calling him a “gutless, yellow, stinkin’ coward who hides behind the skirt of a woman.”

Oh yeah. That really pissed him off. Savage ran towards the ring despite pleas from his comrade and fellow commentators Vince McMahon and Roddy Piper, got distracted by a ref which in turn gave Jake the upper hand, tied Savage to some ropes, and commenced to have every child watching under the age of 12 shit their pants for the next eight minutes.

 

Correct me if I’m wrong here, but I don’t recall anything before or after this looking and feeling so terrifying for anyone watching. Just another reason why Savage will forever remain a legend in the world of wrestling. Aside from the show, reports state he was super excited to get bit by that King Cobra. What a fuckin’ beast.

Remembering Beetlejuice: The Animated Series

Let’s rewind our minds back a few years and remember what being a kid was like on a gorgeous Saturday morning.

Unlike my peers, I personally was always up at a decent hour (around 7:30 a.m.). After crawling out of my Ninja Turtle sheets, I would make my way to the dimly lit kitchen and help myself to a bowl of cereal and whatever readily available juice box (preferably Hawaiian Punch or Ecto Cooler) my fridge held that morning. All placed accordingly on my TMNT (1990) movie tray in front of our mammoth of a television set. I was ready to seize the glorious Saturday with the start of some of the greatest goddamn must-see-TV. And one of many of those amazing Saturday morning animated gems was, of course, Beetlejuice: The Animated Series.

 

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One year after Tim Burton congo-danced the ghost with the most across the big screen, the imaginative filmmaker developed a more kid-friendly version (sorry, no crotch grabbing anywhere here) based on the daily lives of the bio-exorcist and his earth pal, Lydia Deetz.

Mostly set in Beetle’s home The Netherworld, the series ran around some silly adventure or problem week after week involving the duo. From roaming skeletons in the closet ruining someone’s day with the hard truth or Beetlejuice’s entire skeletal system abandoning him in favor of a vacation, the show was a perfect Saturday morning mash-up of wackiness and just a hint of horror.

Lydia’s parents Charles and the eccentric Delia return in animated form as naive supporting characters that never seem to notice their daughter spends most of her free time in another dimension. Then again, in the film, she seemed to be mostly ignored from her self-absorbed parental units until the shit hit the fan- so the relationship stays a tad faithful in that aspect. The void felt by the absence of Barbara and Adam was filled with new characters. Beetle’s neighbors in the Netherworld furthered BJ’s awesome sense of sarcasm with most of them being both clumsy and easy to poke fun at. In which case, ole BJ took advantage of on a constant basis and was the source for a lot of the humor in the series. Jacques, Ginger, The Monster Across the Street, Poopsie, the Mayor, and on Earth, the snooty Claire Brewster, were often the victims of Beetlejuice’s embarrassing pranks.  Even Lyds wasn’t immune to Beetle’s reign of practical jokes as the bio-exorcist’s only friend was even the butt-of-the-joke at times. However, unlike Claire and the Netherworld residents, BJ’s pranks on the teenage Deetz were never meant to cause damaging feelings or humility, but rather all in fun. Which asserts the relationship between Lydia and Beetlejuice in the series. Unlike in the film, the pair was as close as friends could get and the unlikely duo’s friendship remained a constant crucial part of the show throughout the series’ short three-season span.

What I wouldn’t give for a revival of this beautiful program. Hey if Spiderman and Teen Titans can be rebooted several times, why not give Beetlejuice a shot at the 21st century?

The Dick Debate: “Labyrinth” Edition

Everyone has a movie that no matter how many times they see it, they can watch it 100 more times and it still won’t get old. And not only that, but they can put on a one (wo)man show for you and quote every single line and annoy the fuck out of you while you’re trying to watch it. That movie, for me, is the 1987 classic Labyrinth. That movie, along with the codpiece controversy, will forever be a part of me.

For those of you who don’t know the movie, and who the hell doesn’t know the movie, it follows Sarah, a 16-ish-year-old girl that hates her life and her step-mother and her half-brother. She’s a teenager and everything sucks…obv. So, one night while babysitting Baby Waldo’s understudy, she tells the story of a Goblin King that fell in love with a girl way too young for him and granted her wish of taking the baby away. To her surprise it’s true and Toby, the baby, is stolen away by Jareth, the sexiest Goblin King in the land, played by the incomparable David Bowie.

I saw this movie when I was four and fell in love with David Bowie as much as any toddler could. Here I am in my thirties and that never changed. This movie for me like with many women my age began a lifelong crush on the famously androgynous and out of this worldly talented man known as Ziggy Stardust and The Thin White Duke.

labyrinth

I can’t tell you how many times I wished I was Sarah in that ballroom in the dress with the MASSIVE sleeves.

But with this movie lies a nagging question that haunts viewers to this very day…was David Bowie actually wearing a codpiece? Could we analyze the blatant sexuality references, the fact that a grown ass man was in love with a teenage girl or the fact that the creatures who took their heads off are the things of pure nightmares? Yeah, we could, but why would we when there are more pressing issues.

I present to you exhibit A.

labyrinth the creedence tapes

Now, I don’t mind searching David Bowie’s junk on the internet, may he rest in peace, but I have something to say…that’s NOT a codpiece. THIS is a codpiece.

labyrinth bbc

That’s ridiculous and I think we can all agree that’s not what Bowie is dealing with. The costume designers purposely made his pants REALLY tight because he was supposed to be alluring and desirable like a rock star but maybe something was there to smooth things out a bit; the penile equivalent of nipple covers, but that’s it. Let’s put the debate to rest right here. That’s all Bowie. If you love Labyrinth facts, check out this little slice from Buzzfeed.

labyrinth pinterest

And I debated writing this since we lost Bowie in 2016, but I can promise, there are fewer bigger fans than I. I have the utmost respect for the man, his movies, and his music. But as a young girl in the 80’s and 90’s, that bulge was just as much a part of my growing up as Saved By the Bell and Backstreet Boys.

And here, have a little dance while you’re here and sleep peacefully knowing we have settled the dick debate here and now…probably.

Labyrinth (30th Anniversary Edition) [Blu-ray]