Tag Archives: WWF

That One Time We All Thought The Undertaker Killed The Ultimate Warrior

A date that will forever live in glorious infamy for me would be March 26, 1991. A day where all my dreams of brightly colored outfits, incredible arena entrance music, and the ever so amazing Tonka Wrestling Buddies and giant Hulk foam fingers being sold up and down the aisles of the Thomas and Mack arena in lieu of overpriced bags of popcorn. Ok, there was that too but as an eight-year-old, I needed those damn buddies to smack my little brother in the face with just like the TV commercials. Anyway, it was my first LIVE WWF all-star that would later air on Superstars of Wrestling and I was here for it. Yep. I was pretty goddamn excited for the show. I was about to see all my muscular heroes: Hulk Hogan, Legion of Doom, Randy Savage, and of course, the goddamn Undertaker who had just made his debut several months prior at the 1990 Survivor Series. So yeah, it was pretty exciting guys.

That One Time We All Thought The Undertaker Killed The Ultimate Warrior

About halfway through the program that involved exciting matches between superstars and also filler matches with “jobber” wrestlers, the attention from the ring was drawn to a dark corner of the stadium. The dim lighting gave way to what looked like, a grimly decorated memorial service with gothic candles and wreaths of flowers strewn about. OOOOOOOOHHHHH YESSSSSSSS. It was time for the mother-fuckin’ Funeral Parlor with Sir Paul of Bearers- a sideshow skit notorious in the WWF glory days where a superstar or manager hosts another guest into their realm. And usually ends up in a fight more or less. We can all thank the Rowdy one for starting that treasure up with Piper’s Pit. Anyway, today’s guest was the ever so popular Ultimate Warrior, and little did we know shit was about to get really intense.

Before we get into it, and I may be opening myself up for a lot of turmoil here, I was never really a fan of the Warrior. I can’t explain it other than, maybe I felt like he was taking away from Hogan’s glory. Yes, I know the torch was set up to be passed to him, but I just wasn’t buying it even as a seven-year-old. My little brother, on the other hand, was a die-hard fan of the Warrior. And I had a new-found admiration for this dark, brooding figure that was making waves in the world of wrestling. And holy shit, this was a tense moment for my little brother and I. His favorite wrestler was about to enter the Funeral Parlor with one of my favorites, so it was as if we were about to have a “who has the bigger dick here” sibling battle in the sense these big burly men were representing us. Yes, I’m a female. But that doesn’t mean I can’t measure out my “Phantom Dick” too? Why be sexist here?

Back to the story.

Ok, so here we are. Bearer is setting up for the show with his “Paul Bearer-ish” ramblings and Warrior comes out doing his growl and all that jazz. Bearer is stoked to see he made the appearance because apparently, The Undertaker has made quite the gift for him-his own custom casket! What a sweet gesture, eh? Anyway, the casket was covered with a black tarp-like sheet and once revealed, the Warrior looked kind of freaked out. Which pretty much made all my insides giggle. Paul commences to taunt the crap out of him by indeed, pointing out how scurred he really is of death, and of course, the Undertaker. Warrior starts getting all huffy, pointing his finger in Paul’s face mumbling some gruffs or something, and out from behind out of nowhere, Undertaker comes at him! Beats up on him pretty good, and manages to stuff the Warrior into his own coffin. A stunned, yet still resistant Warrior tries to fight the closing of the lid, but unsuccessfully. I sort of screamed with delight, not going to lie and sneered at my brother who was held up by my father so his tinier self could see the action better. Victorious, Undertaker and Bearer retreat slowly back to the dressing room and here we are, Warrior stuck in a casket. Now we have a bunch of WWF officials trying to pry this thing open in front of a crowd of thousands. After what seems like an eternity, and it was truly only about maybe 5 minutes, they finally get the sucker open to reveal a lifeless warrior.

And that’s when a sea of tears came about to just about every kid in the crowd, including my brother. I say just about every kid because I was laughing hysterically like the sick little bastard I was, and well, still am I guess. He literally asked our Dad with tears welling up and stuttering, “Is he dead?!” And then I got to thinking under all that, “haha my guy just owned your guy,” well shit. Maybe something bad happened here! Remember now, we were little kids, thus thinking anything here was FAKE was not a thing. It was all very real to us. And then I started to get a little scared myself. Like holy shit, maybe he actually killed the guy! My parents had to assure us that everything would be ok, and of course, it was magically. But hey, we did get some sick as hell Wrestling Buddies out of it! Which is what I was eyeing the whole time anyway. So thanks to that little skit that scared the ever-loving shit out of us and every goddamn kid at Thomas and Mack, I totally got myself a bad-ass toy. The Warrior wasn’t so bad after all!

 

Honor the “Rowdy One” on His Birthday With the Best of Piper’s Pit

It’s time to celebrate the legend who smugly proclaimed he was the man who “made Hulk Hogan lose all his hair.”

The WWE Attitude era existed long before it’s rebranding launch in 1997 thanks to a Canadian with a prideful Scottish heritage,”Rowdy” Roddy Piper. As you know as well as I, Hot Rod imprinted his legacy in the sport with not just his wrestling skills, but also with a mouth that slams Jimmy Hart’s famous shit-talking jaws into the turnbuckle corner of shame.

Honor the "Rowdy One" on His Birthday With the Best of Piper's Pit

And with those quick-witted puns and illustrious smack-talk, arose one of the greatest segments from the glory days of the WWF- Piper’s Pit. Those Royal Stewart Plaid thin walls that surrounded a shrine dedicated to an (at the time heel) feisty Piper and a single chair, two if Roddy was feeling generous for his guest, became a highlighted segment for the WWE/WWF program through its 1984-1987 run; (with occasional appearances until his death in 2015). Realistically speaking, any one person who makes it their duty to destroy another’s ego while humiliating the ever-loving shit out of them, would be seen as well, a complete douchebag. But, this was Roddy Piper. And somehow, we loved him for it. Even at the height of his heel days in the WWF, Piper with his hilarious insults hurled at both competitors and comrades alike, had us hanging onto his every word. So, of course, we all watched with anticipation once the spotlight centered on the arched entranceway of the Pit of the Piper as we desperately waited to see what pot of fuckery he was going to stew up for the evening’s shenanigans. It was quite a special thing that with much sorrow, we will never see once again.

The king of witty sarcasm and trash-talk in and out of the ring would have celebrated his 64th birthday this 17th day of April. So let’s break out the bagpipes and shove a banana down someone’s throat in honor of the legend as we look back at in no particular order, the very best of Piper’s Pit.

 

Frank Williams (04-14-1984)

Just when they think they got the answers, I change the questions!

What a sport that Frankie is, eh? Throughout WWE programming, we would see superstars pit against basically unknown or “jobber” wrestlers as filler matches. Frankie Williams was one of those guys, and Piper made a memorable example out of the poor schmuck. Piper jabbers on about how worthless Williams is in the sport and then just kicks the shit out of the guy. While we mostly never remember these jobber wrestlers whose purpose is just that- to lose to the popular roster, we’ll always remember Frankie the Jobber for his stint on Piper’s Pit, as this was the first brawl in the segment. From there on in, all bets were off when you entered Roddy’s house and you better be prepared for a fight to break loose.

 

 

Andre the Giant (03-17-1984)

You do not throw rocks at a man who has got a machine gun!

Only Roddy would have the kind of balls to tell Andre what a teenie-weeny brain he has. Even in the face of a legendary giant who basically manhandles him like a ragdoll towards the end of the segment, Piper salvages his man-pride with another memorable one-liner making this entry too hilarious to ever forget.

 

Brother Love and Morton Downey Jr. (04-02-1989)

Was there ever a time where Brother Love didn’t look like a mullet-loving lobster in heat?

Piper had been long gone from the arena to focus on his acting career however, he made a glorious return center stage for Wrestlemania V and another stint for Piper’s Pit. He also spread the word around to anyone else slightly even entertaining the idea that anyone other than the Rowdy One could host Piper’s Pit. After embarrassing Brother Love forcing him to retreat back to the locker rooms, Piper set his sights on chain-smoking celebrity Morton Downey Jr. Who just couldn’t manage to play nice, and further antagonize Piper with his cigarette smoke. Common knowledge: If you purposely try and fuck with Roddy, you’re gonna have a bad time, mmk?

 

 

Hulk Hogan, Andre, and Bobby Heenan (02-07-1987)

Man did Piper know how to sell a story or what?!

The use of Piper’s Pit set the stage for one of the greatest matches and torch passes in Wrestlemania history between the Immortal One and The Giant. Andre debuted his shocking heel turn and alliance with Bobby “The Brain” Heenan during the confrontation with Hogan on Piper’s Pit. Which in turn, lead to Hogan begging and pleading with his old friend as to why on Earth he would sink so low as to garner the services of a “weasel”. Andre’s response? Ripping the shirt and chain crucifix clean off Hogan’s backside adding injury to insult. Piper may have let his guests do most of the talking in this edition, but I gotta give credit to the guy for planting the seeds to one of the most memorable matches in Wrestling history. So, hor historical purposes, this had to be included.

 

 

Cyndi Lauper and Captain Lou Albano (06-16-1984)

Time after time, this remains a goddamn classic.

The infamous Rock ‘N’ Wrestling Connection all began with the introduction of pop sensation Cyndi Lauper and thus was born a glorious matrimony of wrestling and music. Lauper appeared on Piper’s Pit quite a few times throughout her stint at the WWF, but this segment in particular where she gets super pissed at her buddy Lou and attacks Piper after stirring up some drama remains an essential part of the Roddy-Lauper feud.

 

 

 “Stone Cold” Steve Austin (04-03-05)

The first time since Wrestlemania V, Piper’s Pit was back to kick some rattlesnake ass with special guest Steve Austin. The two biggest shit-talkers in WWE history were about to come face to face to what basically seemed like, a dick-measuring contest. They slap each other a little, exchange a few insults until they’re rudly interrupted and we get a full-dose of a proper Piper’s Pit. Also, gotta love how Roddy questions the crowd like they’re dingbats with that stupid chant. Almost 20 years after the first Pit segment, some things still haven’t changed.

 

 

Mr. T (03-17-1985)

The first Wrestlemania should have just been billed, “Starring Roddy Piper and supporting cast Hogan and Mr. T.”

The thing that made this Pit so great, was that Piper and T genuinely HATED each other. The real-life heat and mutual disdain the pair had for one another made for a great pre-game to the road to the very first Wrestlemania event. The little jabs Piper takes at the A-Team star with his remarks about ex-lax, the Mohawk wig, and Piper showing off his artistic skills make for one of the most memorable, and hilarious entries in the Pit roster.

 

 

Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka (06-26-1984)

One coconut… Two coconuts… Four coconuts… and history made.

Listen, we all knew this was an obvious choice to be made here and considering the now known Snuka’s very disturbing past, I’m glad Piper cracked his dome with them coconuts and rammed bananas down his throat. Roddy just demoralizes the shit out of the then-popular superstar in a such a way that has never been matched in all the years of the segment. Years later, Piper told the Wrestling Hut that he smacked him so hard with the tree fruit that Snuka’s eyes legit rolled back and he had thought he killed the guy. The coconut incident has become Wrestling lore at its finest, still fondly remembered and spoken of ’till this day. That just don’t make them like this anymore.

And try your damnedest future athletes, but there will never be a legend like Roddy Piper in the squared circle again. Happy Birthday Roddy wherever you are but if I were to guess, you’re probably slapping around the Warrior and Heenan in the afterlife.

Image result for roddy piper slap gif

 

 

The Ice-Cream Man Offered Nothing More Sweet Than WWF Ice Cream Bars

Nothing rings those nostalgic bells louder than the beloved junk food from our youth. While I’m being a total dick myself here writing about delicious treats from our childhood we can no more get down on like a jonesing crack addict; it boggles my mind how these desirable taste-sensations succumbed to time as companies just said, “fuck it, get rid of them.” Umm, excuse me sir or madam, but UTZ Cheeseballs are a piss-poor substitute for the spherical orange of greasy goodness offered by Planters.

Ugh, anyway, here at Nightmare Nostalgia, I’ll be periodically looking back at some of the greatest treats from our youth that were taken away from us- and for the love of everything sacred at the bottom of the food pyramid, would love to see resurrected one more time. What better way to kick off this new category, than with the Holy Grail of the Good Humor Man- WWF Ice Cream Bars.

 

The Ice-Cream Man Offered Nothing More Sweet Than WWF Ice Cream Bars

 

Without a doubt, those delightful cookie top, vanilla middle, and chocolate bottom frozen treasures were the greatest thing offered by your friendly neighborhood ice-cream man. I clearly remember those fateful Saturday mornings during an airing of Superstars of Wrestling, those familiar nursery rhyme bells would consume the neighborhood. Letting us children know to fling on those jelly-flats with a quickness, grab your loose change, and run over your little brother to ensure you’d catch that little white truck. Once at the window, it was never even a question what I wanted, along with the, of course, occasional cheese popcorn or Hot Fries- those coveted WWF (now WWE) Ice Cream Bars made straight from the Gods of junk-food.

The soft cookie-based outside featured a popular wrestler, encased in what I thought was one of the coolest boxes to hold any kind of treat. Even better, with the purchase of a bar came a collectible trading card of a random superstar with some fun facts to read while your inner fat kid was letting that chocolate backing melt all over your hands. Admit it, you ate that scrumptious cookie layer first.

Produced for over 20 years, Good Humor discontinued the ice cream officially in 2009. Despite pleas from fans, and hell even CM Punk among other WWE Superstars clamoring for the return of nostalgic goodness, the resurrection has yet to happen. However, I’m not a pessimistic individual. If we can get Ecto Cooler back on the shelves, even if it’s briefly, I strongly feel we haven’t seen the last of these. When and if it happens, I’m sure the ice-cream vendor will be pleased that I’ll probably be paying for his kids’ college tuition.

That Moment in WWE Wrestling History That Scared Every Kid Watching

I don’t care if you were the toughest 11-year-old on the block. When this moment came out of nowhere during the Saturday morning program Superstars of Wrestling, you were shook. And possibly pissing your pants if you were really upset.

 

Image result for macho man snake bite gif

I miss the good ole days of Wrestling when McMahon gave no fucks about making a kid cry.

The bite heard around the world back on November 23rd, 1991 all started back with the infamous Career Ending Match between Randy Savage and the Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania 7- in which The Madness lost to the Warrior after a grueling back and forth that I considered, the REAL main event of the evening. While a dazed Savage attempted to gather his bearings after his defeat, his manager at the time Scary, I mean the Sensational Queen Sherri took her frustrations out on Randy by mercifully kicking the man while he’s down (literally). Unbeknownst to anyone other than the announcers, Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan who spotted her before the start of the match, the lovely Elizabeth who had stayed by Savage’s side for years before a fallout, looked on in horror as she watched Savage be absolutely humiliated. That is until, she hopped the railings, into the ring, grabbed Sherri by the hair, and flung her ass out like a piece of hot trash. Thus reuniting the infamous duo, leading them into the first-ever WWF Pay Per View wedding appropriately called, the Match Made in Heaven to be aired during Summerslam ’91. Well, it was adorable and all, but the real action happened during the reception…

Randy and Elizabeth opening gifts from guests looking all super happy and whatnot turns into terror as Elizabeth opens a gift containing a snake that pops up like a twisted jack-in-box. Then out of nowhere, both Jake the Snake and The Undertaker run in with a surprise beat down for the Groom. Which totally confused me at the time because there was NO REASON for any of this to even happen, on top of the fact Jake was one of the most popular wrestlers in the WWF, goddamnit, WWE up until the incident. It’s like Jake woke up that day deciding to turn heel and he was going to be the biggest prick possible. I mean, seriously, anyone wanting to hurt or even frighten Miss Elizabeth was automatically the biggest piece of shit on the face of the Earth.

Like, seriously how dare you Jake.

Related image

via palooza.com

Anyway, with Savage being barred from wrestling via the Career Ending Match, he couldn’t get his hands on Roberts for revenge. However, Jake continued to taunt the man for months even dropping Elizabeth’s name in promos to further infuriate him. Well, during one fine Saturday morning during Superstars of Wrestling, it all came to a head and The Mad One couldn’t take the assault on his manhood anymore. After Jake pinned some no-namer, he grabbed a microphone and addressed Savage, who was doing commentary; calling him a “gutless, yellow, stinkin’ coward who hides behind the skirt of a woman.”

Oh yeah. That really pissed him off. Savage ran towards the ring despite pleas from his comrade and fellow commentators Vince McMahon and Roddy Piper, got distracted by a ref which in turn gave Jake the upper hand, tied Savage to some ropes, and commenced to have every child watching under the age of 12 shit their pants for the next eight minutes.

 

Correct me if I’m wrong here, but I don’t recall anything before or after this looking and feeling so terrifying for anyone watching. Just another reason why Savage will forever remain a legend in the world of wrestling. Aside from the show, reports state he was super excited to get bit by that King Cobra. What a fuckin’ beast.