Grab your sword and shield, find a jungle cat to throw a saddle on, and you bet your ass it’s time to brandish the coveted powers of Grayskull because we’re going back to Eternia, and I couldn’t be happier! Due to my restless obsessing over MOTU and, to my endless glee, foolhardily giving me a platform to express said obsessions on as much as I want, I’ve spent weeks of my life feverishly writing articles (and hardcore essays) on He-Man and his eternal battle against the best villain ever created, Skeletor. Coincidentally I’ve come to be known (for better or worse) as the Master of the Universe guy around here at Nightmare Nostalgia – a title I wear proud as pearls – and as it so happens a brand-new fancy-ass movie is in the works, and I’ve been asked to share my humblest of thoughts concerning it.

Oh, believe me, I have thoughts a plenty concerning this ambitious project so let’s get right to it and talk about He-Man’s most dangerous adventure yet – walking down the red carpet and up to the silver screen …. again. Sigh hopefully, this second time around doesn’t suck for him.   

Remember the ‘80s?

The decade is practically mythic at this point. An age fraught with peril and forged under the neon heat of Cold War threats. Us kids had no clue how imminent the end of the world was though because we had toys, sugary cereals, and Saturday morning cartoons to keep us focused on how great life really was. And oh my God the only thing better than playing with our favorite toys and watching them on TV was seeing them turned into big-budget action films and hitting a theater near you to flambee our little brains!

Of course, they made a He-Man movie! Kinda a no-brainer when you think about it. We weren’t all that far away from Return of the Jedi or Conan the Destroyer so there was a definite market for space barbarian fantasy at the time, a thing only He-Man could masterfully fulfill. I remember how excited we all got when they first announced the project. Images of swords and sorcery assailed our imaginations as we imagined how epic this hallowed-be-thy-name project had to be. Then the actual movie was released.

If I sat here talking about how great the actual movie was you all would have every right to beat me over the head with a dead trout. We all know the movie sucked. It did, it sucked hard too, even if I always have kinda liked it. I get the fact the movie isn’t just bad. It’s rotten rat-ass bad!

I’m sure when we all thought of a He-Man movie, we couldn’t wait to watch a film more focused on Courtney Cocks than the mysteries of the Power Sword. And if you’re just now scratching your head wondering what the bull-fucking Hell Courtney Cocks has to do with MOTU you’re not alone. Is she an Eternian? Is she part of the Masters? Is she a secret weapon that alone can save the universe? Oh hell no, she’s just some Southern California teenager. She lost her parents in a plane crash or something like that and since we’re watching a MOTU movie no one gives a shit about it. It’s like a whole other movie, some teenage drama, is fist fucked into what should’ve been the stand-out fantasy epic of our lifetime.

What should’ve been a huge adventure across Eternia instead turned out to be more focused on He-Man and the Masters hiding out on planet Earth where (discount-Orco) Gwildor dresses up like an idiot, the Masters eat a bucket of barbeque ribs and at some point, try to communicate with a cow.

Someone also thought it would be super cool to watch Temu Stormtroopers hovering around Mainstreet Americana with He-Man clumsily flailing his sword around swatting them off like obnoxious flies. Skeletor ends up on Earth too and instead of taking over the White House (you know something cool) he gets his maguffin and goes back to Eternia. Everything to do with Earth is entirely pointless! What the fucking Hell were we watching? What were the filmmakers huffing while making this atrocity?

Did anyone want to see He-Man on Earth? No! Did we need to be on Earth to identify with the characters? Of course not! We wanted nothing more than a hellfire action film featuring our favorite heroes and villains battling it out in a fight to the death over the fate of the universe and preferably in the center of Grayskull itself. We had an opportunity to see Eternia brought to life in a cinematic spectacle that should’ve knocked our teeth out and left us begging for more. Instead, people were just begging for it to be over.

Today the movie’s reached a beloved cult status and is appreciated for what it is – a silly ‘80s fantasy flick that fits alongside Legend or the Dark Crystal. Is it a good He-Man movie though? No, it’s not. It is a very good Skeletor movie with Frank Langella dominating the role with monstrous flair. Watch the movie for Skeletor alone I say. Nevertheless, fans were left disappointed, and it seemed as if any hope to ever see a proper He-Man movie was dashed against the rocks.

The movie was so bad that many blame it for the sad decline of the toy sales thus ending MOTU if only for a brief season. Personally, I feel like it had a heavy hand to play in the decline, but I also think some heroes in a half shell also had a little something to do with it too once their toys hit store shelves.

But Manic, I hear you lament, why are you so hung up on rehashing the failures of a past movie? Shouldn’t you just shut the fuck up and let this new project stand on its own feet, you say. You would otherwise be correct to make such an assessment, but I bring up the failures of the Canon film because it would seem no one learned a whole fat load of anything from history,

That being said, no one wants to see He-Man on Earth ever again. Not only is it rumored He-Man will be on Planet Earth (again), but he’ll be stuck working an office job…. oh God why? Why, why, why? Who thinks that’s a good idea? Who do they think wants to see Prince Adam working a desk job?

Recently leaked photos all but confirm those rumors too.

Maybe the Earth scenes are the result of evil magic. Like maybe it’s in Adam’s head and he needs to break free from the illusion? Maybe once he touches the Power Sword the evil spell is broken? Yeah, that’s really stupid I know but no stupider than having He-Man working an office job on fucking Earth! Why are they doing this? It feels like Kryptonite to this movie’s success, and I really don’t feel like seeing history repeating itself.

Time For Redemption

Today we’ve witnessed redemption stories for dead movie adaptations. Previously failed cinematic adventures can now be retooled with the proper respect and love for both the characters and properties and turned into billion-dollar success stories. Super Mario Bros. is a great example of how a movie’s first cinematic flop can be redeemed. That live-action Mario movie was awful, and I was one of those giddy kids sitting at the theater when it first premiered only to be crushed by what I saw. Before Universal Pictures dared return to the Mushroom Kingdom did anyone think a Mario movie could work? And yet it did and was a massive success. It won our hearts over and made us relive some great NES nostalgia.

Another great example of a property rising from failure to success is Dungeons and Dragons. Honestly, I dare you to go back and watch the 1999 D&D movie. I double-dog dare you! It’s worse, so much worse than I even remembered. And then just like a nat-20 roll Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves was nothing short of a Critical Success! The same could easily be true for MOTU.  Do it right and the fans will support the movie. It’s not complicated.

Today filmmakers can bring projects like Avatar or The Lord of the Rings to thrilling life. The special effects of today can absolutely bring Eternia to life in ways Canon could only dream of back in the ‘80s. Langella was stuck performing behind some questionable prosthetics but still mastered the role as the Lord of Destruction. Today they can make Skeletor look like a demonic overlord hellbent on conquering the universe while remaining faithful to the classic look we all love.

Special effects artists have the unique opportunity to bring these larger-than-life characters to the big screen! Think of it – Battlecat, Panthor, and Orko all have a chance to thrive at last whereas before there was no way to add them in any live-action attempt. Bottomline there’s no excuse for this movie to fail.

Casting Choices and Concerns

So far, I’ve been impressed with the casting choices. I mean so far, I’m not all worked up by any of their decisions. Hollywood is notorious for miscasting people all the damn time, but this time around we might be ok.  I mean I like seeing the actors hitting the gym to get buffed up for their respected roles. That’s what we need out of them. They need to fill in the armor and loincloths after all.

But what about Jared Leto, I hear some of you ask. I don’t have any issue with Jared Leto’s involvement honestly. Yeah, he was in some shitty movies, but he’s also been in some fan favorites too. He was in Fight Club and American Psycho to name a couple. Not to mention Leto does look like a cool Keldor.

People love pointing to Moebius to rip on the guy, but I argue nobody could save that movie no matter who was cast for the part. The movie was a shit puddle. People also love to criticize his Joker role but then Leto turned around and gave us a chilling portrayal of Joker in the epilogue of Snyder’s Justice League and people sang his praises. Point being give him a chance.

I remember when the internet lost its shit over Heath Ledger being cast as Joker in Nolan’s The Dark Knight. Oh, don’t act like you didn’t bitch about it because we all did. I bitched the loudest…and then I had to eat crow.  It’s easy to get wrapped up in internet raging is all I’m saying.

You can tell I’m trying to be hopeful here. I want to like this movie. I want to love this movie! I’ll make a promise right now that if this movie’s good I’ll go see it every single week it plays at the theater. I’m dead serious. Give me a good MOTU movie and I’ll see it as often as possible. Make a great movie and I’ll watch it multiple times in the same day.

That Earth crap though already gives the movie a huge obstacle to overcome.

Having said all that if, and I mean a big if, we get Earth out of the way early on and the rest of the movie is totally on Eternia toting us across both Grayskull and Snake Mountain and with the Masters at war against the evil forces of Skeletor maybe, just maybe, all the action and excitement can wash away Earth’s hideous taint.

We will see. As it stands now the movie already has that working strongly against it. So, if the movie manages to excel despite all of that it’ll prove its merit.

Look, MOTU isn’t hard to make work. It’s brimming with adventure, fantasy, whimsy, magic, romance, and a clear moral tale about good vs evil. It’s everything the human soul thrives on for inspiration. It’s how a simple toy line has stayed alive (off and on granted) for 40 years. It’s gone beyond a nostalgia trip back to the past. The lore continues to reinvent itself and find new fans across every generation. It’s because it speaks to us all. Horror, monsters, dragons, demons – lightness and comedy with bumbling wizards and yet galaxy-binding sorcery. MOTU is brimming with inspiration.

So good luck to everyone involved with this upcoming project. I have faith that it could be awesome.

If nothing else maybe it’ll be reason enough for a MOTU game to finally be released with all the hype now surrounding the movie. Come on, make a video game happen for crying out loud!

Manic out!