Category Archives: Retro Reviews

Review: How To Survive A Human Attack- A Guide For Movie Monsters

Are you a werewolf, mummy, or simply a ghost trying to just live your damn life human free? Did you also know that human attacks account for 100% of premature deaths for witches, cyborgs, and other supernatural beings? Well KE Flann’s new book, “How To Survive A Human Attack” is certainly a must have for your conversation starter coffin table in the living-dead room of your home. Or hey, if you’re just a nasty human, you may as well brush up on some basic human behavioral skills here, as you may actually find some helpful hints for yourself.

This handy parody book is a deep dive into how to be on point in your supernatural body; whether you’re a zombie learning how to bite into a skull properly, or an aging vampire not knowing the basics of how to use a computer, the book has an array of picture-filled, and detailed chapters on guiding monsters through these very scenarios.

However, even through the What We Do In The Shadows style of storytelling in this mock book guide, there are some pretty compelling talking points on the psychology of human behavior from the “monsters” point of view. As a matter of fact, after getting through the entire book I felt like a dirty, nasty human that feels the need to apologize on behalf of the entire human race to all the supernatural beings out there.

“How To Survive A Human Attack”, is comedic, compelling, and perfect for any Horror or Science Fiction aficionado. It truly was a fun read and I think anyone who appreciates just about anything monster-related, will as well.

About the Author:

K.E. Flann’s writing has been featured in The North American ReviewShenandoah, and Michigan Quarterly Review, and a collection of short stories won the 2014 George Garrett Award at Texas Review Press. Excerpts from this incredibly important work have appeared or will appear in Word RiotThe Higgs WeldonDefenestration, and Monkeybicycle.

Pick it up on Amazon here!

WTF Review: “Look What’s Happened To Rosemary’s Baby”

WTF REVIEW: "LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ROSEMARY'S BABY"

In 1968, Roman Polanski shocked the cinema world with Rosemary’s Baby, starring Mia Farrow, John Cassavetes, Ruth Gordon, and  Sidney Blackmer. Seeming rather tame to today’s standards, the age-old story of trading eternal damnation of your soul for a bit of luxury was fresh entertainment over 50 years ago and remains a tried and true horror classic to the genre that the movie helped progress into more risky territory. So why not give it a worthy sequel, eh ? What became of little Adrian Woodhouse and his Antichrist fate?

Umm. Hmm.

Now, I hear a lot of shit about The Exorcist II: The Heretic being the worst sequel of all time- but I’d challenge anyone that makes that statement has surely never seen Look What’s Happened To Rosemary’s Baby. I had only found out about this sequel a few years ago, and then compeletly forgot about it’s existence until a conversation with my step-mother who was looking for the film- which understandably, had fallen into obscurity. BUT, when there’s a will, there’s a way and thank goddess for YouTube where I found a full version of the movie to indulge my curiosity.

Man. I wished I hadn’t.

The film made as a special Halloween presentation airing on ABC, premiered on October 29, 1976 continues the story of Rosemary, Guy, and their bastard Antichrist child, Adrian- whom Rosemary refers to as Andrew which is what his name had intended to be before he was reveled to be the spawn of Satan. Rosemary (this time played by Patty Duke) and “Andrew” have been lying low with Minnie and Roman (Ruth Gordon and Ray Milland) as with the rest of the cult for the past eight years. The pair flee to LA in the hopes of finding ex-husband Guy Woodhouse (George Maharis) and demanding help. However, “Andrew” is kidnapped by a curious woman who had promised help to Rosemary and the little satanic spawn while running on the road and we never see Rosemary again during the rest of the film.

Fast-forward a few years where Adrian (Stephen McHattie), as he is now being called, is a party rock star with hair that even 1978 John Travolta would envy and has all the looks of what you would envision a cocaine- fueled disco dickhead would look like. At the very least, they left out the cliché medallion off his half-exposed chest. He is still living with his abductor, Ellen, who he obviously has no clue of who she truly is. Minnie and Roman re-appear on the eve of Adrian’s non-specified-age birthday; where they intend to consecrate Adrian’s birthright and move forward only if he hasn’t been too tainted as they put it and his vessel can fully embody his demonic destiny. Following a few rituals and bizarre dream sequences, this turns into one real drugged-out comatose of a film. Now normally I can appreciate that fuzzy 70s’ B-Grade artistic experimental film, but this is a fucked up mess. It’s almost trying to be like De Palma’s Phantom of the Paradise, but far less interesting and done very badly . Adrian with white face paint and a black vest strutting across dance floors to a funky disco, and through a crowd of mindless disco-dancing nimrods as the Castevets, Guy, and the cult stare on as though they are mesmerized by his booty shakes and dream-like Pazuzu transformations is really… something.

I suppose the only redeeming quality to the movie is that Guy Woodhouse gets what he finally fucking deserves, but that’s about the best it gets. It truly doesn’t surprise me that a good majority of fans have never even heard of this film, as it seems to be just an embarrassment to the legacy of what is considered, one of the greatest horror films of all time. If you want a real sequel, I suggest picking up Son of Rosemary by Ira Levin.

Or.. If you dare, here’s the movie generously uploaded by Youtuber Ethan Terra. Either way, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

It’s Only A Movie: The Forgotten Original Horror Doc, “Terror In The Aisles”

Terror In The Aisles : Cinema Quad Poster

Many moons ago, I recollect curled up in front of our family Magnavox floor TV model and watching a collection of snippets from horror films with my Dad on a VHS rental. I couldn’t have been more than five or six at the time, however, this film of sorts we were watching stuck with me until today. As from what I can remember from said viewing was that this horror film special turned my curiosity on to a LOT of horror movies of which I may have never heard of prior; or at least not a few years down the line anyway. Movies like, The Thing, Carrie, and what I most visually remember Nighthawksyeah I said it! And for YEARS, I (and apparently my father as well), couldn’t goddamn remember what the hell it was we watched! It was one of things that drove me crazy for about 25 years until I began blogging and journalism within the horror community and someone could answer the million dollar fuckin’ question. The film was of course, and correct me if wrong but also the FIRST of it’s kind horror complication documentary, TERROR IN THE AISLES.

Not even slightly joking. This shit drove me bat-shit crazy for half my life.

Released on October 26th, 1984, Terror in the Aisles broke the horror rules diving deep into what makes a great horror film in a mock documentary style way narrated by genre giants Donald Pleasance and Nancy Allen with snippets from landmark films. It was truly a one-of-its-own-kind experience as the setting is in a packed movie theater with the two legends seated amongst the crowd; which served as a set-up as certain members of the audience would ask questions here and there and one of the two would look dead straight into the camera and give us those answers.

The “doc” focuses on great moments in the genre history as well as leaning into sub-genres. It’s really a great commentary piece for both horror seasoned vets and newcomers to the community- even if all the horror clips date back to 1984 and prior. The films featured are pretty much the standard go-to’s; Halloween, Alien, The Exorcist and so forth with a few line-drives thrown; again, fuckin’ NIGHTHAWKS. Also, that’s totally ok because it’s a badass movie. As a young kid watching this, I DO remember asking about the films mentioned at the beginning of this article, and yes Nighthawks was number one because Sly was/is a hero of mine and I adored Rocky and Rambo as little kid. So yeah, Sly in a horror movie (kind of?), YES PLEASE.

Also, one of the scenes highlighted where Stallone is dressed in drag in order to trap the terrorist, wasn’t a sell to me but a total bonus.

TERROR IN THE AISLES is a fascinating time capsule from our generation. And certainly a fun revisit from time to time. Even if you think it’s corny or perhaps a cash grab milking the 80s’ horror money train from its’ time, you have to respect it was the FIRST. And set the bar for many of the horror docs and specials we have at pretty much, a forever disposal thanks to multiple streaming services and how huge the film community has gotten over the past 30 years.

The film was forever trapped on VHS for years up until recently SHOUT! Factory finally buckled for a glorious Blu-Ray release. However, if you want to revisit, and umm yeah I think you should, I would highly suggest purchasing the HALLOWEEN II Anniversary Blu-Ray, as TERROR IN THE AISLES is right there in the special features. May as well get a bang for your buck at a lower price am I right?

Sound off here in the comments Nostalgic Nuggets: What horror snippet from the film peaked your interests so that you had to watch that particular horror movie immediately?