All posts by Landon Evanson

Happy Birthday, Crazy Ralph!

Never has an actor done less and been universally adored. While many (properly) laud Anthony Hopkins and Doug Bradley for the icons they fashioned in little screen time as Dr. Hannibal Lecter and Pinhead, respectively, they were featured players compared to the man of the hour. Nearly four decades since last creeping around Camp Crystal Lake, Walt Gorney remains the unofficial mascot of one of horror’s most beloved franchises, and today we celebrate the anniversary of his birth.

Armed with nothing more than a crumpled hat, dingy vest, and a few ominous words of warning, Crazy Ralph endeared himself to FRIDAY THE 13TH fans everywhere and his life to this day.

For as much as Friday freaks adore Jason and revere Pamela Voorhees (Betsy Palmer), all one need do is whisper “doomed” to rally the troops. Maybe it was the wobbly way he piloted his bicycle, the gleeful, sarcastic taunt of “You’re goin’ to Camp Blood, ain’tcha?” or that he had occasion to hole up in pantries. Whatever the reason, FRIDAY THE 13TH aficionados have never tired of a character that last appeared on a screen over 40 years ago.

Born in Vienna, Austria in 1912, Gorney will be forever remembered for getting liquored up, spouting his gospel, and being a pain in Officer Dorf’s ass. However, we’re not allowed to forget that he had a successful stage career, which included involvement with the Provincetown Players theatrical group in the 1950s, or that he made brief appearances in KING KONG (1976) and TRADING PLACES (1983).

Sad, in a way, that Gorney was 68 years old when the original Friday film debuted because conventions being what they are today, few would be as popular on the circuit as Crazy Ralph. As legendary horror host, Joe Bob Briggs once said, “If the old geek says you’re doomed, then you’re by God doomed.”

Alas, it’s been 14 years since Mr. Gorney left us, but for as long as FRIDAY THE 13TH has a following, he will never be forgotten.

So, wherever you find yourself whetting your whistle tonight, raise a glass in honor of the man who is, was, and ever shall be Crazy Ralph – Walt Gorney.

The Office, Horror Digs Deeper than John Krasinski

So John Kransinki’s A Quiet Place raked in over $50 million in its initial weekend, further solidifying the horror revolution that we’ve enjoyed for more than two years. Kransinski was so effective as a father doing all he could to protect his children and pregnant wife, that it occurred to me that Jim Halpert was not the only alumnus of The Office to make a dent in the world of horror.

Here are just a few who’ve also made a lasting impression.

RAINN WILSON

“Question.” No one was as painfully and rudely inappropriate as Dwight K. Schrute, nor could any inhabitant of the Dunder Mifflin branch irritate Michael Scott quite like our favorite beet farmer. Well, maybe Andy. That said, the fact that the Assistant to the Regional Manager’s queries never came to an end, it was altogether fitting that what made Wilson’s appearance in House of 1000 Corpses so memorable (and ultimately sealed his doom), was that his curiosity could not be quenched.

KATHY BATES

She rode in as Jo Bennett,  a no-nonsense southern belle, which wasn’t exactly in keeping with the shenanigans of Scranton, but American Horror Story aside, we’ll never have the capability to see Bates and not think about Annie Wilkes. Don’t get us wrong, Bates’ brilliance allows her to fully embody any role she chooses, but her turn as Paul Sheldon’s biggest fan was, well, a sledgehammer.

LESLIE DAVID BAKER

Let’s face it, Stanley’s monotone aggression and disdainful glances were part of his charm, but every day cannot be pretzel day. At first glance, about the best we could do was note that Baker appeared in an episode of Key & Peele. As we all know, Jordan Peele’s Get Out provided us with the most important horror film since George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (1968), but this isn’t six degrees of Kevin Bacon, so instead, let’s turn to Dwight’s display with the CPR mannequins, because no one was more terrified of that Lecter moment than Stanley.

CRAIG ROBINSON

Big man admitted that he’d be upset if he didn’t at least get a bite of the Milky Way in This is the End, but no one who’s seen Tragedy Girls can say that they A) didn’t absolutely adore the Brianna Hildebrand and Alexandra Shipp-helmed hit, or B) elicit a squeal upon seeing Robinson on-screen pumping iron and rallying the community.

JENNA FISCHER

Pam’s relationship with Jim felt so real that it has become the goal of everyone who desires to live the dream. The foundation of that love was achieved whilst Fischer sat at her desk taking calls and conspiring with Halpert to mess with Dwight, so it’s rather perfect that Fischer rocked a phone headset as a bunch of creepy crawlers entered the equation in Slither. And don’t call her Pammie.

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TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

Brief though his appearance as Danny Cordray was, Olyphant is part of The Office universe, and as such, we can look past David, the heroic cop in Romero’s The Crazies (2011), and instead revel in his crazy stance that Ewoks blew in Scream 2.

IDRIS ELBA

Charles Miner couldn’t determine what would motivate The Office’s workforce, but for our purposes here, let’s look past his appearance as Roland in Stephen King’s The Dark Tower, and instead take pride in the fact that Elba appeared in the Prom Night (2008) remake, as well 28 Weeks Later. And if we could go back to Fischer for a moment, “how do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSUgvbgHaV4

STEVE CARELL

In case you’d forgotten.

The Only Word Worthy of Kelly Maxwell

WARNING: If you have not seen “Tales from the Rift,” turn back now. There are spoilers afoot.

Twenty-six episodes. More than two-and-a-half seasons of Ash vs Evil Dead have brought me to the realization that I still lack the vocabulary to capably describe Dana DeLorenzo as Kelly Maxwell.

Thoughts of Ambrose Redmoon’s declaration that “courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear” danced through my head, but soon faded because that too, was an insufficient concept.

Do I go with brave or tough, intelligent or loyal? Perhaps referring to her as a leader, vigorous or formidable?

How could a single word encapsulate one of the strongest women in horror history, when so many adjectives apply?

It was a challenge, to be sure, but inspired by Friday the 13th’s finest final girl (Amy Steel), I came to the conclusion that I had to “think beyond the legend,” and “put it in real terms.”

Dana DeLorenzo’s Kelly was uncompromising.

From our “El Jefe” introduction to her epic showdown with Ruby (Lucy Lawless) in Sunday’s “Tales from the Rift,” we watched a young woman grow from grieving daughter to unyielding warrior, and never give an inch.

What set Kelly apart was that she was anything but one dimensional. A badass to be sure, but one who never veered from the deepest vestiges of who she was – loving and loyal to her boys Pablo (Ray Santiago) and Ash (Bruce Campbell) – and always willing to do what needed to be done. Maxwell was the personification of Redmoon’s maxim, tossing fear aside because her new family and the fate of the world were more important than the uncertainty of her own survival.

DeLorenzo stood face-to-face with evil, the cabin, militiamen, cops, demon spawn and finally Ruby, and never blinked. And though Maxwell’s own sense of revenge was the catalyst to forging her own path, that swelled over time.

While ridding the world of Deadites, Kelly took the time to comfort Linda Emery (Michell Hurd), offer tough, motherly words that Brandy (Arielle Carver-O’Neill) needed to hear, and inspire Pablito to believe that he was, in fact, the powerful vagina he was destined to become.

And in the end, with Ruby at the height of her ruthless power, it was Kelly who bore the weight of protector on her shoulders, and her shoulders alone. With no guarantee that she’d endure the day, Maxwell decided to take the battle to Ruby for Pablo. And Ash. And Brandy. And her parents. Because to Kelly’s thinking, no one, not her loved ones or anyone else’s, should have to suffer the pain of loss ever again. And if she could stop it, then she would not hesitate to embrace the opportunity, while sparing those she cherished the danger of putting their own lives on the line.

That was Kelly Maxwell’s identity. An uncompromising fighter and friend, who never altered who or what she stood for, or how she lived her life — for anything or anyone — not anguish, adversity, or evil. She lived, loved and laughed, with an eye forever on the prize of end game; the focused leader to Ash’s reluctant, fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants Chosen One.

She went out on her terms, doing everything within her considerable capability to save those who had her heart, while the Evil Dead fandom watched through teary eyes as an uncompromised, almost imperceptible smile turned her lips before she breathed her last.

It was a good death.