All posts by Landon Evanson

Horror Nostalgia

WE ARE NOT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE

Image Leave a comment

We may be sick, and we may be disgusting, but if you boogie till you puke, I’m asking you to come with me for a minute.

Think back to one of the early episodes of THE LAST DRIVE-IN’s first season. Somewhere betwixt channeling Cropsey legend and a MADMAN (1981) musical interlude, Joe Bob turned his attention to a legend of a different sort.

Gaylen Ross only appeared in three films, including CREEPSHOW (1982), but appeared in MADMAN as Alexis Dubin to keep her SAG status. “She only had one other movie at the time,” Briggs said. “She was the heroine in George Romero’s sequel to the classic NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968), so people did know her,” pausing to smirk before quipping “I’m using the term ‘people’ loosely. People LIKE US knew her.”

Never has a phrase so perfectly encapsulated the Mutant Fam. While we love stars like Bruce Campbell and Robert Englund, more often than not it’s the deep dives including Ross and Cynthia Bond (DEF BY TEMPTATION, 1990) and Jonathan Fuller (CASTLE FREAK, 1995) that give us warm fuzzies.

Case in point, my girlfriend is an audience coordinator at a local theatre whose been getting home late because the season’s about to pop off. But when she walked through the door a couple of weeks back–shortly after LIVE FROM THE JAMBOREE began–she squealed when I told her the feature was NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (1988), quickly settling in for the show.

For clarity, my better half is bisexual, so when I tell you I was quickly regaled with a ditty detailing the first time she clapped eyes on Amelia Kinkade’s fireside flex, you need to understand that she referred to it as “a moment” more than once.

Reflecting on said awakening, my baby shared the whirlwind she experienced whilst watching Angela’s erotic, demonic writhing, sharing that she didn’t know whether she wanted to be her or sleep with her. I was all ears. Think Eddie Griffin undercover with Orville Redenbacher.

Sparing you a 17-minute diatribe before arriving at “and here’s my point,” truly we are not like other people. Our love of blood, breasts, and beasts often left us feeling like we were on the outside looking in growing up — and in some cases, into adulthood. But then there was the Mutan Fam, welcoming us with open arms, an incomparable group of fellow drive-in afficionados constantly reminding us that it’s perfectly acceptable to dig movies and stars that the normies have never heard of, much less care about.

Gaylen Ross and Amelia Kinkade represent far more than a Romero heroine or sexy sway. They possess a piece of our heart because each of us cling to a cherished and very personal memory directly tied to those performances.

They mean something to us. And we mean something to them. Go to Shudder and pull up the moment when Kinkade and Linnea Quigley sauntered to the stage to a raucous ovation–those smiles and that love was real. That makes them special. It makes us special. No, we are most definitely not like other people, and as the DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004) Easter egg below clearly communicates, we are not alone. You should be damn proud of that.

Lists

PREDATOR PRINCESSES: THE WONDROUS WOMEN OF THE ‘PREDATOR’ FRANCHISE

Image Leave a comment

One of scifi/horror’s crown jewels began with the handshake to end all handshakes, and after seven highly entertaining movies and the most treacherous space villain this side of Lord Vader, the PREDATOR franchise continues to thrive 36 years later. But for nearly four decades, conversations about PREDATOR have revolved almost exclusively around Ahnold and the boys from the OG, with the occasional nugget about Danny Glover or Kevin Peter Hall and the other ginormous gents who’ve donned the Predator gear.

We thought it was time to change that. Today we’re here to talk about the five fiercest women from the PREDATOR universe.

5: ANNA (ELPIDIA CARRILLO) / PREDATOR (1987)

Few scifi/horror/action epics can match PREDATOR for machismo, but make no mistake, Anna was anything but a token character, she was a badass. We’re not allowed to forget that when Dutch and his team decimated the guerilla camp Anna didn’t hesitate to sneak up on Schwarzenegger, refused to stop doggin’ Dillon (Carl Weathers), and even packed Pancho (Richard Chaves) in the puss. Nor can we ignore that it was Anna who noticed the Predator’s blood on the leaves (insert iconic line here), helped the unit set up its (albeit failed) ambush, and even tried to grab a weapon and fight off the otherworldly warrior before Dutch kicked it out of her hands. And when the dust literally settled, we discovered that Anna had not only made it to the choppah! — but came back for Ahnold’s ass. Put some respect on Anna’s name.

4: ISABELLE (ALICE BREGA) / PREDATORS (2010)

The lone lass dropped into the game preserve in this non-stop homage to the 1987 classic that started it all, Isabelle was the personification of C.S. Lewis’ stance that integrity was doing the right thing even when no one is looking. An asset in battle and beyond, Anna offered invaluable input on topography and weather, to say nothing of her leadership and tactical skills. But Isabelle was unwilling to turn her back on a wounded Eric Forman (Topher Grace) when it would have been the easy (dare we say, smart?) thing to do. No one would’ve ever known, but she may have inspired GDT’s Elisa Esposito seven years early. Being partially paralyzed for her efforts, she paid a price for that decision, but still found a way to pull the trigger and save dollar store Dutch’s ass (Adrien Brody) when it mattered most. If you ever find yourself in a situation that needs to get unfucked with the quickness, you want Isabelle on your team.

3: LEONA CANTRELL (MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO) / PREDATOR 2 (1990)

As a nod to half of what’s on-deck, can we take a moment to appreciate tantalizing taglines? I mean, nothing can beat ’79 (and you know exactly what I’m talking about), but PREDATOR 2’s “he’s in town with a few days to kill” is for all-time. You know what else is historically relevant? Maria Conchita Alonso. Look, Leona grabbed Paxton by the package, talked NBA-level shit, and even after escorting several subway cars full of screaming Los Angelinos to safety, circled back to check on the only man ever killed by a Terminator, xenomorph, and a Predator. And don’t come at me with Cantrell getting a pass because she was preggers, Maria Conchita Alonso walked so Salma Hayek could run. For men my age…just know that Miss Alonso was finishing third no matter what.

2: ALEXA WOODS (SANAA LATHAN) / ALIEN VS. PREDATOR (2004)

Let’s keep in 100: Alexa Woods was a boss long before we even began talking about extraterrestrial evil. Woods was an environmental technician who was climbing Mount Everest when Weyland Industries summoned her to lead an expedition to a pyramid that suddenly appeared out of nowhere–2,000 feet below the Earth. Woods made it clear that the team was not ready for such an endeavor but stuck around knowing they had a better shot at survival with her leading the excursion as opposed to the silver medalist, making it perfectly understood that no one was to do any-damn-thing without her say-so.

Then all hell broke loose, and it was Woods who realized she and the others were caught in the middle of a war and needed to pick a side. When one of her cohorts realized that “the enemy of my enemy is my friend,” Woods didn’t hesitate to reply, “Let’s go find our friend.” Alexa ends up in the good graces of a Predator after throwing down on a xenomorph to save said Predator’s hide, then teams up with them and runs side-by-side into battle in some BATMAN FOREVER homage we never knew we needed.

Long story short (too late, we know): Alexa further impresses her wing-beast by putting down her chest-burster infested friend, helps them escape the pyramid before it went boom, plunges a xeno queen into a watery grave, and gets the mark of a Predator warrior in one of the coolest moments in cinematic history. The takeaway? Predators FUCK with Alexa Woods. That’s badassery on an incomprehensible level.

1: NARU (AMBER MIDTHUNDER) / PREY (2022)

Like Woods before her, Naru was the smartest person in the room. For all the fragile boys who lost their damn minds about a woman besting a Predator when PREY hit Hulu last August, don’t hurt yourself but try to keep up.

Remember that throughout the film’s first half Naru was hunting and failing–but learning from those mistakes–and as her brother Taabe (Dakota Beavers) pointed out, she saw everything and always had. Naru was an innovator. She realized that in order to capture game she needed to be able to retrieve her hatchet quicker, so she fashioned a leash which not only saved her from drowning at one point but ultimately allowed her to conquer Dane DiLiegro’s Predator. Have we mentioned that she picked up on the fact that the ultimate adversary couldn’t see clearly if her body temperature was lowered, how to escape certain death with a bear trap after her dog got its tail stuck in said contraption ONE TIME, or how the Predator’s mask controlled its arrows?

Naru never outmuscled the Predator, she outsmarted it. And when she returned to Comanche camp triumphant in hunting something that was also hunting her–when everyone thought she would fail–the glance between Naru and the little girl was EVERYTHING. Without saying a word Naru clearly communicated “you can do this.” Representation fucking matters.

The passenger manifest for women in the PREDATOR franchise is a brief one, but this is a series that gets it. The women who inhabit this universe are intelligent, intense, and not waiting around for a man to come save them. And with a quick glance at the actors bringing these amazing ladies to life you’ll notice Latina, Black, and Native American because, again, representation fucking matters.

Editorials

WHY FATHER’S DAY IS ABOUT AN UNCLE I NEVER HAD

Image 1 Comment

I don’t remember my father ever saying I love you. What I do recall were summers in Iowa. Struggling with the weight of hay bales to feed the horses and being told that I should be stronger for my age. Watching him punch one of those Belgians in the head because they weren’t cooperating with what he wanted them to do. The morning we left one year, I had made him a gift but when the time came to part, he was too tired to get up, muttered “that’s nice, thanks. See you next time” and rolled over to go to back to sleep.

I also remember the drinking and verbal abuse. A fragile man so angry at his own shortcomings that he felt it necessary to intimidate his wife and children. I was 12 the last time I was in the same room with him. I made it clear the day would come when I was his size — and even more clear how much I was looking forward to that day.

I didn’t go to his funeral but am grateful to my father for one thing: showing me that who I wanted to be was the opposite of who he was.

Come to think of it, I’m grateful for two things.

I dove into horror at a very young age because I needed to escape into a world where I felt seen. Long before those dreaded summers in Iowa, were bi-weekly weekend visits when my father still lived in the same city as my mother. I’d endure remarks about my strength or speed, questions about why I wasn’t like my cousins, or anger about me spending most of the weekend in my room away from him. I only wanted to finish my work in the yard so I could head to the video store and pick up as many FRIDAY THE 13TH movies as my meager weekend allowance allowed.

I eventually explored non-FRIDAY avenues. Along the way I discovered SILVER BULLET (1985) and had an awakening. I had no idea who Gary Busey was, but ever since “another lovely night at sister Nan’s”, Uncle Red has been scorched into my memory.

Yes, he was an alcoholic and yes, he made decisions that were more about being the cool uncle than a responsible adult because who the hell buys their nephew a bag of fireworks to shoot off alone, in the middle of the night, when there is an active killer in town?

That’s kind of a huge red flag that I’m not allowed to ignore, but here’s my point: Uncle Red tried.

It was Uncle Red who said there was more to Marty than him not being able to walk. Uncle Red was the one who reminded Marty that no shithead can stop the good guys. Uncle Red was the one who walked into the sheriff’s office and shared a story about “this blue” and Reverend Werewolf. Uncle Red marched into a gun store with a concocted story about the Lone Ranger and asked for a silver bullet. And Uncle Red bought and paid for a romantic trip for two to New York so that he could clear his sister and brother-in-law out and be in the house to protect his niece and nephew during the full moon.

Uncle Red may not have always made the safest decisions, but he tried. He was there when it mattered. He believed in Marty and Jane when no one else would. And he fought for them.

Hell, Uncle Red built the Silver Bullet for Marty, not because it was the safest option–because it most certainly was not–but so that Marty had something he felt good about and was proud of. “I built that for you because I love you. Right from my heart.”

After Marty took said Silver Bullet–less a wheelchair than a three-wheeled motorcycle–out for a test run, Uncle Red warned Marty not to tell his mother how fast it was, to which his nephew responded, “ya know, I don’t get you.”

Uncle Red simply said “I know you don’t.”

But I did. And I do.

And I’m positive there are many of you reading these words for whom it resonates, as well.

While it was easy to see why Uncle Red’s sister was apprehensive about his influence on her son, it was just as easy to see that Uncle Red wanted Marty and Jane to be confident and happy, and never missed an opportunity to let them know that they could be more than he ever was.

This Father’s Day, I’m not an alcoholic or capable of building anything for which one may or may not need a pilot’s license — but like Uncle Red, I show up for the people I love — the polar opposite of my father.

And I did win a subscription to Popular Mechanics.