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Editorials

The 80s Was The Greatest Decade For Christmas And Here’s Why

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Since the season beckons for it, I’ve been reminiscing about my childhood Christmases, and I might be biased because of my age- but they seemed pretty perfect. When thinking about it, I find myself transported to Christmas as a kid in the 80s and remember sitting on my knees at our bulky coffee table, marker in hand ready to do some damage, and making my list after browsing fat-ass Wish catalogs while watching commercials that tempted the WWF Wrestling Buddy out of me during Saturday morning cartoons. Christmas morning would come and finding those chocolate coins in my stocking brought such a shitfaced grin. Then unveiling your most sought-after toy or something such as a Nintendo Entertainment System with a side of ZELDA was like the ultimate high.

I was pretty stoned off this Punky Brewster doll in 1986.

Because I’ve lived through four decades of holiday seasons and have witnessed the change in attitude and structure throughout the years, I can confidently say that the 80s were PEAK times for Christmas. And well, Halloween too, but that’s another rant. Sometimes bigger isn’t always better. With the massive commercialism consuming the holiday at its core, today’s Christmas seems rushed through with little to no thought as we’ve become the generation of RIGHT NOW instead of building to the anticipation of the big day. Don’t get me wrong; I’m well aware the 80s were FILLED to the brim of Christmas consumer greed and commercialism. As a matter of fact, that’s pretty much where it started.

Let’s just blame it on The Cabbage Patch Riots.

Even with the birth of a yearly MUST HAVE TOY and what really became BLACK FRIDAY in the 80s, it to me seemed like a much more joyous time when it was not only more wholesome, but magical at that.

Christmas TV Specials

Christmas on the boob tube always was a whole event back in the 80s. Because of destination television and the lack of the internet, we had to wait with patience for these things to show up. I can distinctly remember having to check the TV Guide to make sure you didn’t miss A Christmas Toy. Garfield’s Christmas, The Muppets Family Christmas, etc, and the slew of Holiday specials that were vomited off into our eye sockets throughout the month of December. But what was really nice, was the whole family would watch them together, often with eggnog or hot cocoa. On top of such, every sitcom on television had its own Christmas special as well. From The Chipmunks to He-Man, they went hard as fuck to really drum up the Christmas spirit, and it’s why they remain a beloved tradition for many to this day. I mean, come on, would you rather watch Pee Wee and Grace Jones get into the Yuletide spirit, or one of the 500 Hallmark Christmas movies streaming services have put out over the last few years?

The 80s had The BEST Christmas Movies

I honestly don’t think there’s another decade that spawned a slew of Christmas films that have become modern treasured traditions than 80s holiday flicks. That might have something to do with Christmas movies of the 80s rearing into non-traditional genres like horror and comedy rather than just family-friendly, making it more appealing to wider audiences. Films like GREMLINS, NATIONAL LAMPOONS CHRISTMAS VACATION, and SCROOGED are absolutely necessary to watch, and it’s just not Christmas without a full 24 hours of watching Ralphie shoot his eye out over and over again in A CHRISTMAS STORY now, is it?

Know what I mean, Vern?

Christmas Began AFTER Thanksgiving

Listen, I put up my tree and outdoor lights before Thanksgiving too, but I also keep the Fall theme going in my home until the Friday after Turkey Day. When I was growing up, Christmas wasn’t shoved in our faces as soon as September, like it is now. The emergence of the evil one, Mariah Carey, and seeing the stores being taken over with glittery merchandise before Halloween even has a fucking chance to get some steam going, ruins it for me, and many others. Seeing Halloween blow molds being tarnished with dangled mistletoe hanging above them just sets me the fuck off. It just turns any excitement I have for the holidays into full-blown dread.

Instead of Amazon, We Had Wish Catalogs

To be fair, mailer catalogs still exist today, however, beyond schoolyard chatter and Saturday morning, circulars and wish books like this were our go-to for compiling our perfect Xmas list.  I would peruse these things for hours, circling and folding the corners of the pages before changing my mind several times on different items and then handing them to my parents for reference. It was just much more exciting than scrolling and one-click buying.

Or We Exclusively Had Mall Shopping

A lot of your December was spent in indoor Malls, finding that perfect gift you spotted in one of those Christmas catalogs. And that was mostly OK because, it was a whole damn event and the mall was always decked to the absolute nine in Christmas decor with Santa right in the middle of all of it ready to take pictures with the mile-long line of children waiting.

Christmas Decorations Just Looked Nicer

A Patti PaulterGeist XMAS circa 1985

Completely asymmetric. Covered with tinsel and glass ornaments. Furnished with colorful giant light bulbs. Christmas trees had a special feel to it up until the 90s where they started becoming more “sleek” per se. A great 80s Xmas tree had a hodgepodge of ornaments that ranged from glass to satin balls like these bastards right here.

Oh, and sparkle. LOTS OF TACKY TINSEL SPARKLE that would make an entire mess and get stuck in the shag carpet. Or in between your poor cat’s teeth.

And then, of course, there were the big old-fashioned family get-togethers that have sort of become passé as time went on, and the internet allowed people to just connect with family day to day throughout the year more easily. Personally, my family has never broken that tradition because Christmas Eve is the night of our great Italian fish and pasta feast and the night where no matter how pissed off cousin Tony is at Uncle Pasquale, that shit is squashed in honor of Clams Oreganata. Yeah, and I guess Christmas as well. As long as I got that badass Rancor Monster from Star Wars, thank you very much.

Actual shot of me and my grandfather, Christmas 1984.

The times just seemed more meaningful back then. We were made to slow down and wrap ourselves in the very thing the holidays are supposed to make us feel — joy. Nowadays, we’re just rushing around like chickens with our heads cut off just trying to keep up with everyone or the Jones’ next door for the sake of social media likes and clout. We all know at least one person who does it. Now, instead of pure joy and warmth, it’s just headaches and nostalgia for how it used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy Christmas as much as the next person- as long as I have my Ibuprofen handy.

Lists

5 Films That Totally Qualify As Christmas Movies

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Sometimes the greatest Christmas movies are ones that don’t really center around the jolly fat man or the holiday spirit entirely. Various instances in film have given us the Christmas theme in the background like a New York City cop fighting terrorists during a big Office Christmas party. Or perhaps an army of Gremlins terrorizing a town on Christmas Eve. I’m not even sure why movies like Die Hard or Gremlins are ever up for debate as far as labeling them as Holiday films; because they 100 % ARE an undeniable fact at that. However, there are some true greats I’ve seen that could totally qualify as Christmas movies right alongside that of Stripe and John McLane and it is my mission to stamp a Santa hat-wearing Sico the Robot as a cinematic staple of the holiday season.

HOOK

Bangarang indeed that Hook is undeniably a Christmas movie. I guess maybe with the late, great Robin Williams’ larger-than-life persona, one could easily forget they’re actually watching a loosely based “Peter Pan” version of Charles Dickens’ “The Christmas Carol”.

Before Peter Banning is bustled off to Neverland to save his kids from the dastardly Hook, Peter and his family arrive in London at Granny Wendy’s home is decked out to the nine in Christmas decor with the score of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” playing in the background. After Peter remembers his origins, defeats Captain Hook (Dustin Hoffman), and returns to London with his children, he wakes up in the snow a changed man, grateful to be reunited with his family and determined not to miss another important moment. This, in my mind, mirrors the feel of Ebenezer Scrooge’s newfound grateful attitude and that power/money is trivial; thus reminding us to cherish the time we have we our loved ones. It’s a magical film that represents all the child-like wonder that is felt during the season and was actually released in December of 1991. So I can’t see this as anything but, a Peter Pan holiday movie.

Rocky IV

I’m probably going to hear a barrage of complaints that the national treasure that is Rocky IV is nowhere near a Christmas movie. Lemme stop you right there because you’re wrong and get off my blog right now.

Ok, I’ve gone too far. I apologize, but my feelings are pretty strong on this one.

Case in point: The film’s final fight between Ivan Drago and Rocky takes place on the 25th of December, Christmas Day, in Ivan Drago’s less-than-hospitable home of Russia for 15 rounds of revenge boxing. Let’s be realistic here; my own Italian family has taught me that there is nothing that says Christmas more than two grown men beating the ever-loving shit out of one another. While in my case, it’s usually over something petty, unlike the premise in this film, but eh- close enough.

One of the most tender, feel-good moments of the movie is during the snowy backdrop of the bleak atmosphere of Krasnogourbinsk, Russia where Rocky has just finished one of his many mountain man runs. Rocky is reunited with Adrian in order to give him the final push he needs to avenge the death of his fallen friend. Proving that Christmas time is indeed a magical time to set aside our feelings and be goddamn supportive of one another- even if it is vengeful.

Edward Scissorhands

The Tim Burton Frankenstein/ Grinch hybrid of a yes, Christmas movie has all the makings for a classic tale of that one socially awkward member of the extended family trying their best to fit in at Christmastime while simultaneously not trying to have a nervous breakdown.

I can relate all too well.

Family and love are two biggies you will find in any traditional Christmas movie, and you’ll find that among the madness here in Edward Scissorhands. The Frankenstein of suburbia has been taken off his Grinch’s mountain by the neighborhood Avon lady in an act of, what she thinks is kindness. Which would most certainly be the case in most situations, but not here I guess as, in the end, he is chased back into his safe space lair to live out the rest of his days where he belongs- unjudged.

While the Christmas scenery doesn’t arrive until the last 30 minutes of the film, the spirit of “kindness” and treating others with humility is most certainly holiday-themed exploitation that would not garner as much effect if the holiday season wasn’t present as in the rest of the movie. The Boggs try their damnedest to make Edward feel like one of the family and community, with daughter Kim eventually finding her once disgust towards Edward turning into love and understanding. In the first and second half of the film, Edward is fairly accepted and treated with admiration- even if some of it is pure curiosity and exploitation at some points. It isn’t until the Christmas season that he is demonized by the neighborhood. The juxtaposition of these themes is a major driving point for the movie’s plot: that even in the season of goodwill we can forget to treat others, especially those less fortunate, with grace, understanding, and love. Pretty much like Frankenstein and the Grinch here.

Ahh well, just a reminder that when it snows on Christmas, we know Edward is still around.

Lethal Weapon

Die Hard gets all the Christmas Action Movie glory, but credit where it’s due: Lethal Weapon came out a year earlier and is absolutely a goddamn Christmas movie. Oh and psst, a better one at that.

In the trailer for the 30th-anniversary edition of Die Hard, 20th Century Fox added the tagline, “It’s the greatest Christmas story ever told,” and not only is Lethal Weapon more authentically a Christmas movie in terms of origin, but it offers more of the sweet holiday feelings that Die Hard just never bothers to attempt to engender in the viewer. Between the initial shoot-out at the Christmas Tree Farm and the climatic Busey/Gibson fight on Murtaugh’s festively decorated front lawn, there’s again, another mirroring of a holiday classic- It’s A Wonderful Life.

When you lose important people in your life, you miss them every day. However, there’s no time when that absence is felt more strongly than during Christmas. Christmas can be stressful under the best of circumstances, and for Martin Riggs, the loss of his wife becomes too much to bear. With no family, Riggs contemplates suicide early on but thanks to a new partner and the circumstances surrounding the case they’re working together, Riggs finds a new lease on life echoing that of George Bailey.

I certainly wouldn’t want to live in a world without Martin Riggs, thank you very much- cue that “Jingle Bell Rock”!

Batman Returns

Well, I certainly feel like this is the one alternative Christmas movie I might get the least pushback on. Most people would tend to agree that Batman Returns, while not a traditional Christmas film, still has more than enough of those Christmas aesthetics to qualify as one along with the fact the entire movie is set during the season with Gotham covered in snow and the streets decked out with trees, lights and candy colors. From the red and white of the Penguin’s umbrella to the snow-covered streets of Gotham, the director is dedicated to keeping us steeped in the Christmas spirit. Even Max Schreck’s prototype power plant is all Christmassy, with its red-and-white-striped smokestacks. Speaking of the bastard, with his tousled white hair, red bow tie, and nefarious plans to steal all of the energy from Gotham’s girls and boys, he plays very well as an evil mirror of Santa Claus. How can anyone really deny the Holiday vibin’ here? Yet here we are. Still fighting the good fight to ensure its place among the Hallmark Holiday Movie classics.

Tim Burton’s Batman Returns is a unique film that explores both its heroes and villains deeply as tragic, lonely misfits trying to find meaning during the holidays. Kind of like the “Island of Misfit Toys” in Rudolph but with homicidal tendencies. This movie succeeds on so many levels in invoking the spirit of the holidays in a dark, and gothic way that is unlike any other film on this list.

And maybe, one day Batman Returns will be held in the highest regard as one of the greatest Christmas stories of all time. Because hey, “Things change”.