Since the season beckons for it, I’ve been reminiscing about my childhood Christmases, and I might be biased because of my age- but they seemed pretty perfect. When thinking about it, I find myself transported to Christmas as a kid in the 80s and remember sitting on my knees at our bulky coffee table, marker in hand ready to do some damage, and making my list after browsing fat-ass Wish catalogs while watching commercials that tempted the WWF Wrestling Buddy out of me during Saturday morning cartoons. Christmas morning would come and finding those chocolate coins in my stocking brought such a shitfaced grin. Then unveiling your most sought-after toy or something such as a Nintendo Entertainment System with a side of ZELDA was like the ultimate high.

I was pretty stoned off this Punky Brewster doll in 1986.

Because I’ve lived through four decades of holiday seasons and have witnessed the change in attitude and structure throughout the years, I can confidently say that the 80s were PEAK times for Christmas. And well, Halloween too, but that’s another rant. Sometimes bigger isn’t always better. With the massive commercialism consuming the holiday at its core, today’s Christmas seems rushed through with little to no thought as we’ve become the generation of RIGHT NOW instead of building to the anticipation of the big day. Don’t get me wrong; I’m well aware the 80s were FILLED to the brim of Christmas consumer greed and commercialism. As a matter of fact, that’s pretty much where it started.

Let’s just blame it on The Cabbage Patch Riots.

Even with the birth of a yearly MUST HAVE TOY and what really became BLACK FRIDAY in the 80s, it to me seemed like a much more joyous time when it was not only more wholesome, but magical at that.

Christmas TV Specials

Christmas on the boob tube always was a whole event back in the 80s. Because of destination television and the lack of the internet, we had to wait with patience for these things to show up. I can distinctly remember having to check the TV Guide to make sure you didn’t miss A Christmas Toy. Garfield’s Christmas, The Muppets Family Christmas, etc, and the slew of Holiday specials that were vomited off into our eye sockets throughout the month of December. But what was really nice, was the whole family would watch them together, often with eggnog or hot cocoa. On top of such, every sitcom on television had its own Christmas special as well. From The Chipmunks to He-Man, they went hard as fuck to really drum up the Christmas spirit, and it’s why they remain a beloved tradition for many to this day. I mean, come on, would you rather watch Pee Wee and Grace Jones get into the Yuletide spirit, or one of the 500 Hallmark Christmas movies streaming services have put out over the last few years?

The 80s had The BEST Christmas Movies

I honestly don’t think there’s another decade that spawned a slew of Christmas films that have become modern treasured traditions than 80s holiday flicks. That might have something to do with Christmas movies of the 80s rearing into non-traditional genres like horror and comedy rather than just family-friendly, making it more appealing to wider audiences. Films like GREMLINS, NATIONAL LAMPOONS CHRISTMAS VACATION, and SCROOGED are absolutely necessary to watch, and it’s just not Christmas without a full 24 hours of watching Ralphie shoot his eye out over and over again in A CHRISTMAS STORY now, is it?

Know what I mean, Vern?

Christmas Began AFTER Thanksgiving

Listen, I put up my tree and outdoor lights before Thanksgiving too, but I also keep the Fall theme going in my home until the Friday after Turkey Day. When I was growing up, Christmas wasn’t shoved in our faces as soon as September, like it is now. The emergence of the evil one, Mariah Carey, and seeing the stores being taken over with glittery merchandise before Halloween even has a fucking chance to get some steam going, ruins it for me, and many others. Seeing Halloween blow molds being tarnished with dangled mistletoe hanging above them just sets me the fuck off. It just turns any excitement I have for the holidays into full-blown dread.

Instead of Amazon, We Had Wish Catalogs

To be fair, mailer catalogs still exist today, however, beyond schoolyard chatter and Saturday morning, circulars and wish books like this were our go-to for compiling our perfect Xmas list.  I would peruse these things for hours, circling and folding the corners of the pages before changing my mind several times on different items and then handing them to my parents for reference. It was just much more exciting than scrolling and one-click buying.

Or We Exclusively Had Mall Shopping

A lot of your December was spent in indoor Malls, finding that perfect gift you spotted in one of those Christmas catalogs. And that was mostly OK because, it was a whole damn event and the mall was always decked to the absolute nine in Christmas decor with Santa right in the middle of all of it ready to take pictures with the mile-long line of children waiting.

Christmas Decorations Just Looked Nicer

A Patti PaulterGeist XMAS circa 1985

Completely asymmetric. Covered with tinsel and glass ornaments. Furnished with colorful giant light bulbs. Christmas trees had a special feel to it up until the 90s where they started becoming more “sleek” per se. A great 80s Xmas tree had a hodgepodge of ornaments that ranged from glass to satin balls like these bastards right here.

Oh, and sparkle. LOTS OF TACKY TINSEL SPARKLE that would make an entire mess and get stuck in the shag carpet. Or in between your poor cat’s teeth.

And then, of course, there were the big old-fashioned family get-togethers that have sort of become passé as time went on, and the internet allowed people to just connect with family day to day throughout the year more easily. Personally, my family has never broken that tradition because Christmas Eve is the night of our great Italian fish and pasta feast and the night where no matter how pissed off cousin Tony is at Uncle Pasquale, that shit is squashed in honor of Clams Oreganata. Yeah, and I guess Christmas as well. As long as I got that badass Rancor Monster from Star Wars, thank you very much.

Actual shot of me and my grandfather, Christmas 1984.

The times just seemed more meaningful back then. We were made to slow down and wrap ourselves in the very thing the holidays are supposed to make us feel — joy. Nowadays, we’re just rushing around like chickens with our heads cut off just trying to keep up with everyone or the Jones’ next door for the sake of social media likes and clout. We all know at least one person who does it. Now, instead of pure joy and warmth, it’s just headaches and nostalgia for how it used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy Christmas as much as the next person- as long as I have my Ibuprofen handy.