One might not at first think to associate the ROCKY films with November. Still, incidentally, the movies have become a month-long tradition for many to help usher in Thanksgiving and the holidays as part of an annual custom alongside things like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, or the faithful viewing of a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. As an Italian-American, films like ROCKY, GOODFELLAS, and THE GODFATHER, were absolute staples around Turkey Day- I can’t explain the latter two for anything other than it’s just a weird Italian thing. However, with ROCKY, the holiday showcased in the first half of the 1976 film which begat the Italian Stallion’s journey toward his future boxing career and most importantly, the love of his life Adrian, is of course, Thanksgiving. The bulk of the films in the series, with the exception of ROCKY III and ROCKY BALBOA, were released theatrically around the Thanksgiving holiday, along with two of three CREED films.

So, yeah. It’s just not Thanksgiving in my mind until I see Paulie being a total dickwad and throwing a cooked bird into an alleyway.

Apart from being a huge horror nerd my whole life, the ROCKY films have served as an old friend of comfort for as long as I can remember. And the answer is yes, I even like the 5th movie. Contrary to a weird stigma, horror fans also like other films, and this is hands down my favorite movie series outside the horror genre. I’m a BALBOA connoisseur if you will, and I’ve been asked several times to rank the films personally but have never done, so. Well, as hard as this genuinely is for me, because I find all the flicks to be pretty balanced in their own way and love them all, mostly, equally- I’ve had to remedy that. As a true fan of the franchise through and through, this was stupidly impossible.

So here we go! Eye of the tiger, baby. Eye of the tiger. From my least favorite to the all-time champ, my definitive ranking of the ROCKY franchise!

NOTE: I’ve chosen to exclude the CREED films. While they are indeed canon and serve as an important continuation, Balboa is utilized as a side character. Hence, I feel like they are their own set of movies.

ROCKY V

To the surprise of probably no one, ROCKY V comes in dead last on the list; but that’s not to say I hate the movie at any level. Sure, it has plenty of flaws, but it also has its share of memorable moments. I mean, if you don’t cry during the flashback of Mickey and his angelic speech, you just may very well be a sociopath. And to be frank, I cry every single time I hear it. Don’t judge me and my soft ass.

As a matter of fact, here’s some cut up onions for you if you need a refresher. Tissues not included.

ROCKY V was made and released five years after the last film, and I am of the belief that was a major issue in itself. The previous films only had about, at the most, a two-year gap, making for a smoother transition into the next chapter without it looking off. Here, it’s all off. Both Rocky and Adrian look considerably older, and with no explanation at all, Rocky Jr aged from a seven-year-old, to a prepubescent teenager making naked drawings of his French teacher. Paulie always looked like he was 50, so there are no issues with that. There’s also the huge change of the time era, as let’s face it: 1990 looks absolutely nothing like 1985, so the shift is really quite difficult to swallow here as the beginning of the movie picks up immediately where ROCKY IV left off. It’s a hard sell to say the least.

What I do appreciate here, is how they attempted to do something different. There’s only so many times we can rehash the same Rocky story without it becoming stale, so they were on the right track. It just kind of fell flat on its face-sort of like Tommy Morrison’s asshole character in the movie after getting the crap kicked out of him. I really hated that son of a bitch Tommy Gunn, so I really have to praise the late Morrison for his acting chops here. It’s no Academy performance, but he really made me want to punch him myself. So, the man did his job well. As with Richard Gant’s portrayal of Duke, the obvious play on the infamous scumbag of boxing promoter, Don King.

Rocky going back to his roots wasn’t a bad thing. However, the way it happened was very abrupt. It angered me. I hate seeing him and Adrian struggle. It’s really depressing to watch, especially the relationship with his son (Sage Stallone). The original ending had the former champion dying from his injuries with his love Adrian at his side. However, Stallone found writing this scene highly emotional, and reportedly cried while finishing it. As the movie began filming, director Avildsen received a call from the head of production at United Artists. The head argued that Rocky Balboa was too beloved and iconic to kill off. They demanded the tearjerker ending be changed. And I fucking agree. I would have died a little inside along with his character had that ended up being the final product. So kudos for that change at least.

ROCKY III

It almost kills me to put the third film second to last, but here we are. It’s gotta go somewhere.

Rocky has gone from the struggling boxer living in the slums of Philadelphia, to a “civilized” athlete with tons of endorsements, making him wealthy and powerful. Along with successfully, or so he thinks anyway, defending the world title numerous times. Not to go unnoticed by the number one contender, Clubber Lang (Mister T).

It’s more lighthearted while still being serious in the same breath. ROCKY III, the love child of parts 2 and 4, is the best description as it stays somewhere down the middle as it goes from that fucking massive banger of an intro, to the ever problematic Paulie-envious of his brother-in-law’s new notoriety. It can get a tad cartoonish at times. Which I’m totally on board with.

Speaking of which… how about the ultimate male vs the ultimate meatball. HA HA HA.

The movie should be higher on the list solely because of this, but I’ll stand by my ranking.

Mister T is over the top and a total scumbag for just about everything he does in this movie. This guy has absolutely no redeeming qualities. He is dissimilar from his predecessor Apollo, who was just fighting for his ego. Not because he’s a psycho maniac who DARE to lay a hand on Mick. That’s like kicking a damn baby. The death of Mick is heartbreaking, but it’s nice to see Apollo step up and get behind Rocky; even if there are some ulterior motives behind it to begin with. Their friendship is pretty cute, to say the least. DING. DING.

ROCKY BALBOA

2006 brought the simply titled, ROCKY BALBOA. Simple itself, however, it was anything but. The first Rocky movie in sixteen whole years came in fucking HOT with the emotions. Upon my first viewing, I started crying immediately as it plunges straight into the untimely death of Adrian. Adrian was the woman who kept Rocky going for as long as he did. Now, we see Balboa, past his prime, living in days gone by with his memories and not much else. Just basking in the nostalgia of yesterday while ignoring much of the present.

That doesn’t sound like anyone I know…

ROCKY BALBOA is a gut punch to our emotions. It evokes our nostalgia for the first movie, and really embraces what made the original so endearing in the first place. My only complaint really is there is some stuff that could be better fleshed out, such as Rocky’s relationship with his son (Milo Ventimiglia). But the core of the story is the same that we came to love, which is rooting for Rocky as the underdog rather than emphasizing the boxing match.

There’s also this incredible monologue that not only is fucking CHURCH, but should be microchipped into every human being’s skull on the planet. When Sly is gone, and trust me I dread that day when it comes, this speech will live on for eternity.

ROCKY II

Stallone slips on both hats as writer and director for the highly anticipated Superfight II that is equally good as its predecessor. Picking up right where we left off at fight night, we follow the aftermath of Rocky’s new-found slight celebrity and the burdens it carries. Especially for someone who wasn’t completely ready for the responsibility that comes with it. Mentally or financially. And with a promise to Adrian he would quit fighting as he did what he set out to, which was to go the distance, Rocky is confronted with the fact he doesn’t fare too well outside the ring.

In fact, he smeels mainly at it.

It’s truly admirable the lengths he goes to try and have what most people consider a “normal life”, But with Creed up his ass taunting him for a rematch as his ego was seriously bruised the first time around, pride eventually succumbs and with Adrian’s blessing after a massive life and death scare, its fucking GO TIME. This is where we truly first witness, what becomes, THE ITALIAN STALLION because Rocky really whales on Creed’s ass this time around and the fight alone is everything the movie builds it up to be. A perfect ballet of back and forth that keeps you guessing which way it’s going to go to the very end, with absolutely stunning cinematography shots that I could endlessly watch on a loop. Only to be rivaled by the fight in the first CREED film.

Oh, and then there’s this. In the first film, no one believed in this guy. This time around, the whole city is behind him. Also, I gotta love the little shit that totally tries to outrun him. Respect, little man. But not today.

ROCKY IV

Listen, it took every ounce of my inner 80s montage-loving ass not to put this at number one. But I have to respect what I know deep down to be true- and that is that it’s only second to the one and only.

I BARELY remember it, but my dad and uncle took me to see this when I was three-fucking- years old at a Drive-In. I had actually forgotten about this long-lost memory until my father recently brought it up when I told him I was ranking the Rocky movies. And all of I sudden, I got a flash of a giant screen and seeing Drago’s face with that haunting music- standing over a dead Apollo (basically the image above, which is why I chose it.) And I instantly remembered being scared shitless of the guy. It was a pretty wild and jolting, albeit a faded memory that I guess was stuck way deep in my thought banks. But it would also explain the reason why I always viewed Ivan Drago as THEE horror icon of the franchise. That’s a whole other story- but you can read about it here.

ROCKY IV is the sequel that just embodies the 80s in its entirety- and does it goddamn well. While many view it as a 90-minute epic montage, and it kind of is with a kickass intermission from James Brown that is about as American as it gets. I mean, it basically tells their Russian guests to lick their assholes. Because, ‘MURICA.

But, It really is so much more than that. ROCKY IV delivers some powerful messages that still resonates to the world almost 40 years after the fact. The theme of change and staying true to your roots. As Rocky and Apollo are getting older in the athletic world, a young and GIANT fresh face flies in from Russia (Dolph Lungren) and his handlers and issue a challenge to Balboa in an exhibition match- stating there is no one else that could match Drago’s strength or endurance. That really bruises the ego of Creed, which as the movies have shown, is his one fatal flaw. And in this case, it really was fatal.

In regards to the final fight, the immanent theme of change begins as our American hero is booed all the way to the ring. The entrance is dark, dank, and smells of uncertainty. Whereas Drago’s entrance tells the same tale only with favorable crowd and a WAY more sinister feeling- we will definitely attribute Dicola’s Drago Suite to the anxiety in the room as we prepare for war. As the fight progresses and the pair of soldiers are beating the ever-loving shit out of each other, the change begins. As Rocky our series underdog keeps taking the licks and getting back up, the communist crowd begins to favor the Italian Stallion and his perseverance.

And then… the speech. A speech just as relevant now as it was then and will forever be so in this insane world that we live in under constant threat and fears of the unknown. That if we can band together to come to a consensus, regardless of our background, we can live peacefully and without regret.

NOW HIT ME WITH THOSE FRESH BEATS, AND A BEARDED SLY, DiCOLA!

ROCKY

Well here we are; the one that started it all and without it, we wouldn’t have these amazing legacy of films that I’ve been blabbering on about.

This rawdog of an indie film written by an almost homeless Stallone with his puppers beside him, is a film written into reality as both the movie and Sly himself went from rags to riches overnight. Makes sense since Sly basically wrote the character as himself, and wouldn’t sign off on the script unless he was starring. A down-on-his-luck club fighter, Rocky receives a once-in-a-lifetime shot when the heavyweight champion of the world, Apollo Creed, decides to make him his next opponent simply because he likes Rocky’s nickname.

The film also explores Rocky’s relationships. Mickey Goldmill, the crusty old trainer who at first cooks him and calls him “a bum” for wasting his potential being an enforcer for a loan shark. After Rocky gets that amazing offer, Mick (Burgess Meredith) realizes that by training Rocky, it could be the only chance at redemption for both of them.

This scene is particular, is one of the most emotionally raw moments in the series. For some behind the scenes context, Sly pictured himself talking to his overbearing father in this scene.

Then, of course, the lovely Adrian. For so long, people confused this love story as a boxing movie. The sport was merely a backdrop for this budding romance where two lost, and lonely souls find their lifemate and its the most adorable thing. From the beginning, Rocky pursues Adrian with dumb jokes and subtle flirtations, however this shy thing that has lived under her abusive brother’s thumb, takes time to come out of shell and when she does, SHE blossoms like the strong woman she always was; Rocky just had to bring it out of her. I especially love it when she stands up to prick Paulie once, and for all.

Finally, with Mickey and Adrian in his corner, Rocky trains for the fight, but his goal isn’t to win but merely “to go the distance” with Creed. Rocky goes on to shock Apollo, who took him lightly, by going the full 15 rounds with the champ, losing by split decision but proving to himself he’s not “a bum, or a tomat-ah.” And once it was all said and done, he just wanted to hold Adrian- and find her hat.

Beautiful.