All posts by Landon Evanson

Editorials

WHEN FANCY TALK IS ALL YOU HAVE

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“If precautions weren’t strong enough you should have told somebody.”

“I TOLD EVERYBODY! Nobody listened.”

Ironic that HALLOWEEN purists overwhelmingly detest the Rob Zombie re-imaginings because something the polarizing filmmaker once said in an interview with WatchMojo.com perfectly encapsulates Samuel Loomis:

“You just have to go through life knowing you’re right and everyone else can go fuck themselves.”

Whether it was colleagues questioning his observations or local law enforcement scoffing at his warnings, Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasence) found his assertions challenged at every turn. After all, why would anybody believe the one person who’d spent every day for fifteen years with Michael Aubrey Myers? Time and again the good doctor was met with “probably going” and “I have the feeling you’re way off on this,” but Loomis persisted because sometimes being a leader means having the strength to stand alone.

Sheriff Brackett (Charles Cyphers) referred to Loomis’ words of foreboding as “fancy talk,” but when you appear paranoid and desperate due to a lack of diagnostic evidence, describing the things you’ve seen over the course of a decade-and-a-half is the only weapon at your disposal. Call it fancy talk, but there was nothing fancy about the knot in Loomis’ stomach telling him that he was right.

In vain, Loomis shared those experiences–his fancy talk–desperate for someone, anyone to listen, much less believe him. Despite his efforts, Loomis was met with rejection. Tales of silent alarms and a blank, pale, emotionless face were met with “if you are right, damn you for letting him go” when Loomis was the only one trying to keep Michael Myers locked up, and certainly the only one exerting energy to stop the impending massacre.

But Loomis didn’t let the opinions of others hinder him. The determined doctor traveled the 150 miles to Haddonfield because 9-to-5 didn’t apply to The Shape. Loomis gave nary a thought to his career or reputation, and certainly didn’t allow the notion that “I tried, but no one believes me” slow him down because Loomis understood with perfect clarity the only way to safeguard the people of Haddonfield was to take matters into his own hands.

By refusing to relent, Loomis told every authoritative detractor from Dr. Wynn (Robert Phelan) to Sheriff Brackett to go fuck themselves. That Loomis’ actions proved unsuccessful is irrelevant because stopping evil incarnate in itself is an exercise in futility. What matters is that Loomis refused to quit without so much as an ounce of assistance from those equipped–and charged–with helping him.

In the end, that’s what has endeared us to Loomis for 45 years: his unyielding resolve to protect. Whether it’s a significant other, our children, siblings or friends — when the chips are down, we are all Dr. Loomis — stopping at nothing to protect those we love.

Was it Dr. Loomis fearlessly storming up the Wallace’s stairs to confront Michael Myers alone?

As a matter of fact, it was.

Editorials

THAT TIME KING KONG ROBBED A HOME RUN

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I know what you’re thinking: Jessica Lange is incredibly distracting. ‘Tis true, and an excellent guess, but you would be wrong. The American League Championship Series gets underway tomorrow night, but twenty years ago I was parked in front of the television hoping the Red Sox would oust the Evil Empire in the 2003 ALCS and head to the Fall Classic for the first time since JASON LIVES (1986) hit theatres.

Alas, that wouldn’t transpire until the following October when Boston became the first team in major league history to storm back from a 3-games-to-none deficit to win a playoff series. But Game 7 of the ’03 ALCS was neck-and-neck, and when it slipped into extra innings, I noticed that KING KONG ’76 was on AMC.

The rest, as they say, is part of dumbass history.

It began innocently enough. Between innings I would flip over to catch a minute or two of Rick Baker in a gorilla suit, but as extra frames stretched deeper into the night, I started clicking “last” on the remote between pitches. To be fair, this was before the advent of the pitch clock, so between mound visits and Nomar Garciaparra’s rain delay routine — there was time. Or so I thought.

After Mariano Rivera finished his third inning of work out of the bullpen–setting the Red Sox down in order in the top of the 11th–I flipped over to AMC..

Therein lies the problem: Kong had reached the World Trade Center. How does one not get lost in that scene? It happened to me. And about the time Jeff Bridges put his hands on the glass in wide-eyed terror it came flooding back — “shit, the game!”

The next image on my screen was Aaron Boone rounding second base as the Bronx lost its collective mind. The Yankees’ third baseman had just blasted a knuckleball over the left field wall off of the late Tim Wakefield (it still hurts to say that). The pennant belonged to New York and I had missed one of the greatest moments in baseball history.

While it’s true Florida would take the title from the Bombers (at Yankee Stadium in a delicious twist) and the Red Sox would exorcise their own demons the following fall, it didn’t change the fact that I didn’t see Boone’s bomb with my own yes. And Kong still fell,

And not for nothin’, but ’03 represented Hideki Matsui’s rookie season in the bigs. Why do I mention this? Matsui’s nickname was Godzilla. King of the Monsters.

One will fall, indeed.

The words Dino De Laurentiis shared with the Philadelphia Inquirer promoting KING KONG held true 27 years later–and remain true today: “when monkey die, everybody cry.”

Editorials

WE NEED A CREIGHTON DUKE ORIGIN STORY

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Pouring out of theatres, we FRIDAY freaks have clearly carried all things Voorhees with us over the years, but let’s be honest, the Camp Crystal Lake saga isn’t exactly the sort that haunts you.

With the exception of a single line: “Son of a bitch. You remember me?”

It’s been 30 years since Creighton Duke blurted those words toward the conclusion of JASON GOES TO HELL (1993) and damn it, we need answers!

I’m not worried about the Deadite bullshit Adam Marcus wants everyone to buy into because — no. Let’s talk about the unseen events leading to the question Duke handcuffed Jason with before Kane Hodder donned Freddy’s sweater and glove and hauled the hock to Hades.

Remember me. The implication is pretty obvious: Creighton Duke and Jason Voorhees have crossed paths before. How did that come to pass? What happened? How long has Duke been in pursuit?

Dude captured six reviled serial killers, so let’s get a glimpse of the past glory that led to Duke’s Loomis-like obsession. How did the baddest bounty hunter this side of Dog and Boba Fett so confidently determine “in a Voorhees he was born, through a Voorhees may he be reborn, and only by the hands of a Voorhees will he die”? Where did that theory come from because Duke seems pretty damn confident he’s cracked the code.

What about talk of meat suits and “I don’t think so” after our beloved momma’s boy suffered “explosive trauma” after being blowed up? Again, seems rather evident this ain’t Duke’s first rodeo.

Also, why does Creighton’s idea of scoring digits differ from ours?

How in the hell can Steven Williams still play the part? That cat hasn’t aged a day in three decades. Whatever elixir Paul Rudd is sippin’ on, he got it from Mr. X.

And should we get said origin story complete with a reimagining of Jason being lured to his “demise,” may I suggest Lauren LaVera for Julie Michaels’ role? Just go back and watch because the resemblance is uncanny.

Look, there are still those who dislike Duke because it should have been Tommy Jarvis, but we can love both my fellow FRIDAY aficionados. Real talk, ‘m not concerned with what happened to Paul (John Furey) at the end of PART 2 because “who is Creighton Duke” remains the only question the Crystal Lake collection has ever dangled in front of us that I still ponder.

We need that Williams intensity and black duster revived because Creighton Duke is one of the few truly fascinating characters the FRIDAY franchise has produced.

Now you know what I want and why I need it. Who’s with me?