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FIVE CHARACTERS WHO NEED ORIGIN STORIES

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I’m having a blast writing these each week, but it occurred to me that the Quintessential Quintuplets title–rather than the ode to Quint I’d intended–may be, perhaps, a wee wordy. So, we’ll try it this way for a bit.

This week, let’s discuss characters who pop up, grab your attention, then disappear before you even realize they’re gone.

Those characters who stay with you. Who even today, have you yearning for more. Brief though it was, what led to the moment we met them?

For me, the five who follow are those characters.

5 — BIG JOHN ELLIOTT (SNOOP DOGG / DAY SHIFT, 2022)

Big John Elliott is a fantastic character all his own, but some combination of director J.J. Perry and writers Tyler Tice and Shay Hatten have the kind of love for Creighton Duke (wait for it), that led to an Easter egg (read wondrous wardrobe) that even a damn bunny would be proud of. is chef’s kiss. That said, Elliott is calm and cool, not unlike Snoop himself, a ride-or-die friend, and when it comes time to vanquish vampires, dude goes full Blaine and leaves no crumbs. It’s simple: horror can never offer enough 90-minute, popcorn fare where we can just enjoy our asses off. So, give us a glimpse behind the curtain to see what led Big John to the events of DAY SHIFT. Oh, and don’t go thinkin’ Snoop can’t carry a film his damn self because BONES (2001) exists. And it slaps.

4 — CREIGHTON DUKE (STEVEN WILLIAMS / JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY, 1993)

There are myriad reasons for more Creighton Duke, that he clearly inspired Big John is just a bonus. First of all, it’s Steven Williams. Having a top tier talent exist within the Friday franchise simply makes me giddy. Few pull off intimidating intensity quite like Mr. Williams, and frankly, we need it. It’s been 14 years since we got a Friday film that wasn’t of the fan variety (no disrespect to Vincente DiSanti), so why can’t this franchise pull a Disney+ and dart off in directions that extend beyond Bryan Fuller’s intentions? We’re not allowed to forget that at one point Duke dropped “remember me?” on our asses in JASON GOES TO HELL. I want–nay–need to know what that meant, and quite certain I’m not alone. This character is mysterious, vulgar, and ultimately a badass who breaks digits in exchange for information. More Creighton Duke, please and thank you. And the best part? No need to find a younger actor for the role because Steven Williams doesn’t fucking age.

3 — DICK HALLORANN (SCATMAN CROTHERS / THE SHINING, 1980)

Look, Scatman Crothers was a once-in-a-lifetime talent, but Carl Lumbly filled those enormous shoes quite admirably in DOCTOR SLEEP (2019), so what’s the hold up? What began as concerned looks whilst Danny (Danny Lloyd) ate ice cream bled into a stern warning about Room 2-3-7 because there can be no doubt Dick Hallorann was intimately wired into the spectral strength the Overlook possessed. “I think a lot of things have happened at this particular hotel over the years, and not all of ’em was good” Mr. Hallorann has a story to tell. And more likely stories, plural. Lest we forget that as a child, the Hallorann had entire conversations with his grandmother without either opening their mouths. Warner Bros., you owe a debt — pay it.

2 — TOBIAS BUDGE (DEMORE BARNES / HANNIBAL NBC, 2013)

Rare is the television show that has fans clamoring for more nearly a decade after airing its final episode, but HANNIBAL (2013) is rarer than most. Take that how you will. We only got two episodes of Tobias around the midpoint of Season 1, but those delectable morsels were all we needed to fully comprehend we were hungry. Demore Barnes devoured the screen with each appearance, culminating in a dinner with Dr. Lecter (Mades Mikkelsen) where he revealed that he, too, dabbled in their dark art and had observed Hannibal do what he did — and did well — after following him one night. Of course, we all know that the cannibal counselor had already selected a protege and Tobias was living on borrowed time, but Budge was one of the most fascinating characters on a show brimming with fascinating characters. Should we get a fourth season, perhaps a flashback episode could be arranged providing the backstory we Fannibals are aching for.

1 — BIG JOE GRIZZLY (KEN FOREE / HALLOWEEN, 2007)

For starters, is “we need more Ken Foree” a hard sell? You and I both know good and hell well that it is not. We can talk about taco deluxe supremes, Swank subscriptions, or the fact that Big Joe actually says A-hole all damn day, but let’s get to the naughty, naughty. Our man politely asked Michael Myers to let him pass his beast in peace, but on just the second knock, that all melted away. Dude started talkin’ shit and pulled a knife. We knew that Grizzly was a truck driver, but brandishing a blade because someone interrupted your bowel movement? Big Joe Grizzly has seen some shit! And I want to know what that shit is.

These are but a handful of my personal selections, there are endless genre characters we simply didn’t get enough of, so give us yours in the comments.

Thanks for reading and see you next week!

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CURRY CHARACTERS

WHY THE FIRM IS HORROR’S BEST ENSEMBLE EVER

MICHAEL MYERS

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QUINTESSENTIAL QUINTUPLETS: MICHAEL MYERS

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To get back into the routine of writing, I’d planned to post one of these each Sunday for the entire year but got caught up in other things. Not even February and I’m already woefully slacking on a New Year’s resolution. That ends now. Like the topic of this particular Top 5 — I’m back.

It occurred to me that I’ve devoted a lot of thought to the best versions of Jason Voorhees, but never to he of the blackest eyes. I set about remedying that, and debated myself incessantly in the process. In the end, however, there can be only one, and I’m at peace with result.

Know one thing: my top Jason is Derek Mears, so the king of this hill is not going to be who you think.

5. GEORGE P. WILBUR / HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS (1988), THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1995)

One could refer to HALLOWEEN 4 as universally loved because, honestly, I haven’t met anyone who dislikes RETURN, but that’s where things started to go off the rails a bit so far as Mikey’s concerned. Wilbur certainly can’t be held responsible for the mask, but in ’88 we started venturing away from the classic approach of Nick Castle, and by the time CURSE arrived in ’95, Myers just didn’t feel like Myers anymore. The reality is the chasm between Nos. 4 & 5 and the trio up top makes the Grand Canyon look a drainage ditch. Wilbur was solid enough, but his movement and physicality simply felt skewed. That said, anyone who had the awareness to remove the stoic Shatner after each scene to reassure a 10-year-old Danielle Harris it was all pretend is in my cool book, permanent. Okay, this is pretty sweet, too.

4. DICK WARLOCK / HALLOWEEN II (1981)

Listen, Warlock is a legend in the game. He’s got more than 200 IMDB credits as a stunt performer and held down acting roles in numerous films including THE THING and HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH a year after his dual turns as Myers and Patrolman #3 in the sequel to the immortal classic. Through RESURRECTION (2002), Warlock deviated the least from the original construct–while upping Myers’ “not to be fucked with” street cred–and as such, secures the top spot just outside the medal podium. Warlock was good but not great. All right, Ima bounce on down to the bronze section before Patti stabs my ass for disrespecting her boy.

3. TYLER MANE / HALLOWEEN (2007), HALLOWEEN II (2009)

However you feel about Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEENs, it’s challenging to make an argument against Tyler Mane being the ideal choice for Zombie’s “unique vision of a legendary tale”. Myers had long been an insatiable killing machine by the time Mane’s enormous 6-foot, 9-inch frame entered stage left, which meant things went from dire to hopeless with the quickness. So, I don’t care that Mane’s iteration spoke or about the ceaseless, petty yammering of “purists” because this Shape absolutely annihilated Annie (Danielle Harris) and Nurse Daniels (Octavia Spencer), and dispatched with Big Joe Grizzly’s (Ken Foree) similarly gigantic ass with such unnatural ease I wouldn’t have been the least bit shocked to discover “abandon all hope ye who enter here” scribbled on the stall wall. Mane’s brutality is, was, and ever shall be something to behold.

2. NICK CASTLE / HALLOWEEN (1978)

Look, Castle is the OG. Nothing can ever diminish his contribution to the franchise, but at a certain point, let’s take a look. John Carpenter wanted Castle because of his graceful fluidity of movement. “Just walk, Nick” is a phrase we’ve all heard time and again since 1978. And shit was effective, it got the job done. But Castle never strolled the streets of Haddonfield outside of The Shape’s mystery and subtlety–which he played to perfection–but for me, the top spot calls for complexity. His greatness is beyond dispute, but I’m not going to award Castle top billing just because he was first in line.

1. JAMES JUDE COURTNEY / HALLOWEEN (2018), HALLOWEEN KILLS (2021), HALLOWEEN ENDS (2022)

No one would ever confuse me with inhuman patience, but I was waitin’ on a Shape to emerge that channeled the grace of Castle with the brutality of Mane — and then a voice cried out — let there be James Jude Courtney. Big Game James wasn’t emulating Castle when he donned the mask in ’18, merely exuding Castle’s energy. Dude simply watched the OG sit up and walk across the screen and was like “I got it.” Courtney approached the part in a very cerebral way, which was why he was able to communicate so much with a glance, head tilt, or even a stare; prerequisites in trilogy bookends that dove deftly into trauma, grief, and loss. But when it came time to throw down, it was over before it began. A worried resident looking out the window — got a check-up from the neck up. Engine 78 called in to put out the fire — beat with their own shoe. A nurse trying to dial 9-1-1 — converted into a wall ornament. To say nothing of the fact that whenever he shared the screen with Jamie Lee Curtis, you felt their unearthly connection. Should other HALLOWEENs follow (they will), Courtney has redefined the standard by which all Shape’s shall be judged forever more.

HONORABLE MENTION

My man has portrayed Jason and Victor Crowley four times apiece and demanded to sport Freddy’s glove to pull his own hock to Hell, It only makes sense that Kane Hodder team with Adam Green and Joel David Moore to shed light on a question long pondered: who taught Michael Myers to drive?

Agree? Disagree? Sound off in the comments below. And be sure to check back each Sunday for the latest installment of Quintessential Quintuplets.

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QUINTESSENTIAL QUINTUPLETS: CARPENTER CHARACTERS

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Welcome to 2023, Nostalgia Nuggets! It’s my New Year’s resolution to write more, so the curtain shall rise on a fresh top five from a new horror(ish) category every Sunday beginning right now. So, if you’d be so kind, come with me for a minute.

I am fully prepared for the crucifixions to come, beginning with this inaugural list you’ll be dissecting momentarily. But before we begin, just know two things:

First, I love alliteration (and JAWS) so for a serial that deals in fives the title and image just made sense. Second, though this piece pertains to characters from John Carpenter movies, I’d be remiss if I neglect to mention Debra Hill because without Debra Hill, there would be no John Carpenter.

Now, if you don’t mind, let’s dig in because “I’d rather not spend the rest of this winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!”

5 — NAPOLEON WILSON (DARWIN JOSTON) — ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (1976)

Napoleon Wilson’s reputation preceded him. It was never specified what put him on death row, but it was clear that the mere mention of his name struck fear into the hearts of criminals and cops alike. Mysterious yet honorable with a dry sense of humor that pulled you in whether you liked it or not, Darwin Joston ATE as Napoleon Wilson. The man may have been a killer, but he had a code: give respect, get respect. Clearly disarmed when Bishop (Austin Stoker) apologized for not having a smoke, Wilson demonstrated courageous dedication to both the makeshift leader of Precinct 13 and Leigh (Laurie Zimmer), who finally provided Wilson with that long-awaited smoke. It was a loyalty that belied desire for pleasure or escape, because it was about the two things a man should never run from — and those two things landed Wilson on this list.

4 — DR. SAM LOOMIS (DONALD PLEASENCE) — HALLOWEEN (1978)

“I met him, 15 years ago; I was told there was nothing left; no reason, no conscience, no understanding in even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, of good or evil, right or wrong. I met this… six-year-old child with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and… the blackest eyes – the Devil’s eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up, because I realized that what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply… evil.”

Some might call it fancy talk, but this single moment encapsulated Loomis’ obsession, the driving force behind one of the finest films (and performances) in horror history.

3 — R.J. MacREADY (KURT RUSSELL) — THE THING (1982)

A former Vietnam helicopter pilot and functioning alcoholic who needed to get away from the world — only a little further than most. Mac just wanted to avoid whiteouts and sip J&B in his annexed shack outside Outpost 31 in Antarctica, but after setting out to “save those crazy Swedes” — one of whom shot Mac’s crew mate — strange discoveries began weighing on MacReady’s mind. When it becomes clear that an alien is targeting the camp to mimic and survive, Mac assumes the role of reluctant leader to a crew descending into desperation and distrust. In a stellar ensemble cast, Russell shines as the would-be hero in the wrong place at the right time.

2 — LAURIE STRODE (JAMIE LEE CURTIS) — HALLOWEEN (1978)

“Who needs books?” We thought we were getting to know Lynda when P.J. Soles delivered that dialogue, but in a way she was describing Laurie: never judge a book by its cover. Audiences were led to believe that Strode was apprehensive and meek, but nothing could have been further from the truth. When the chips were on the table, the old Girl Scout not only protected the children under her care but outfought and out-thought the Boogeyman. In the process Laurie Strode became the blueprint by which all horror heroines are judged. As James Jude Courtney, Blumhouse’s Michael Myers has said, Jamie Lee Curtis is “the poster child for an empowered woman”, and has silver on lock.

1 — THE SHAPE (NICK CASTLE) — HALLOWEEN (1978)

We weren’t given much. Michael Myers stabbed his sister to death on Halloween night in 1963, spent the next 15 years at the Smith’s Grove Sanitarium waiting for a silent alarm to trigger him off, and apparently he could drive. But the absence of background and development was why we were fascinated in 1978 and remain so today. In the Haddonfield created by Carpenter (and Hill), evil was a force of nature. Forever lurking. Everywhere. Unstoppable. As a fleshed out character, The Shape has no business on this list let alone topping it, but 44 years after The Babysitter Murders we remain fascinated–nay, obsessed–with a character who has come to define the genre.

Agree? Disagree? Who’d we miss? The floor is open for debate, but know this: my original intent was to drop five characters from five different flicks. However, there was no way I could justify abandoning one of the immortal classic’s three titans.

Till next week…ta-ta.