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FIVE CHARACTERS WHO NEED ORIGIN STORIES

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I’m having a blast writing these each week, but it occurred to me that the Quintessential Quintuplets title–rather than the ode to Quint I’d intended–may be, perhaps, a wee wordy. So, we’ll try it this way for a bit.

This week, let’s discuss characters who pop up, grab your attention, then disappear before you even realize they’re gone.

Those characters who stay with you. Who even today, have you yearning for more. Brief though it was, what led to the moment we met them?

For me, the five who follow are those characters.

5 — BIG JOHN ELLIOTT (SNOOP DOGG / DAY SHIFT, 2022)

Big John Elliott is a fantastic character all his own, but some combination of director J.J. Perry and writers Tyler Tice and Shay Hatten have the kind of love for Creighton Duke (wait for it), that led to an Easter egg (read wondrous wardrobe) that even a damn bunny would be proud of. is chef’s kiss. That said, Elliott is calm and cool, not unlike Snoop himself, a ride-or-die friend, and when it comes time to vanquish vampires, dude goes full Blaine and leaves no crumbs. It’s simple: horror can never offer enough 90-minute, popcorn fare where we can just enjoy our asses off. So, give us a glimpse behind the curtain to see what led Big John to the events of DAY SHIFT. Oh, and don’t go thinkin’ Snoop can’t carry a film his damn self because BONES (2001) exists. And it slaps.

4 — CREIGHTON DUKE (STEVEN WILLIAMS / JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY, 1993)

There are myriad reasons for more Creighton Duke, that he clearly inspired Big John is just a bonus. First of all, it’s Steven Williams. Having a top tier talent exist within the Friday franchise simply makes me giddy. Few pull off intimidating intensity quite like Mr. Williams, and frankly, we need it. It’s been 14 years since we got a Friday film that wasn’t of the fan variety (no disrespect to Vincente DiSanti), so why can’t this franchise pull a Disney+ and dart off in directions that extend beyond Bryan Fuller’s intentions? We’re not allowed to forget that at one point Duke dropped “remember me?” on our asses in JASON GOES TO HELL. I want–nay–need to know what that meant, and quite certain I’m not alone. This character is mysterious, vulgar, and ultimately a badass who breaks digits in exchange for information. More Creighton Duke, please and thank you. And the best part? No need to find a younger actor for the role because Steven Williams doesn’t fucking age.

3 — DICK HALLORANN (SCATMAN CROTHERS / THE SHINING, 1980)

Look, Scatman Crothers was a once-in-a-lifetime talent, but Carl Lumbly filled those enormous shoes quite admirably in DOCTOR SLEEP (2019), so what’s the hold up? What began as concerned looks whilst Danny (Danny Lloyd) ate ice cream bled into a stern warning about Room 2-3-7 because there can be no doubt Dick Hallorann was intimately wired into the spectral strength the Overlook possessed. “I think a lot of things have happened at this particular hotel over the years, and not all of ’em was good” Mr. Hallorann has a story to tell. And more likely stories, plural. Lest we forget that as a child, the Hallorann had entire conversations with his grandmother without either opening their mouths. Warner Bros., you owe a debt — pay it.

2 — TOBIAS BUDGE (DEMORE BARNES / HANNIBAL NBC, 2013)

Rare is the television show that has fans clamoring for more nearly a decade after airing its final episode, but HANNIBAL (2013) is rarer than most. Take that how you will. We only got two episodes of Tobias around the midpoint of Season 1, but those delectable morsels were all we needed to fully comprehend we were hungry. Demore Barnes devoured the screen with each appearance, culminating in a dinner with Dr. Lecter (Mades Mikkelsen) where he revealed that he, too, dabbled in their dark art and had observed Hannibal do what he did — and did well — after following him one night. Of course, we all know that the cannibal counselor had already selected a protege and Tobias was living on borrowed time, but Budge was one of the most fascinating characters on a show brimming with fascinating characters. Should we get a fourth season, perhaps a flashback episode could be arranged providing the backstory we Fannibals are aching for.

1 — BIG JOE GRIZZLY (KEN FOREE / HALLOWEEN, 2007)

For starters, is “we need more Ken Foree” a hard sell? You and I both know good and hell well that it is not. We can talk about taco deluxe supremes, Swank subscriptions, or the fact that Big Joe actually says A-hole all damn day, but let’s get to the naughty, naughty. Our man politely asked Michael Myers to let him pass his beast in peace, but on just the second knock, that all melted away. Dude started talkin’ shit and pulled a knife. We knew that Grizzly was a truck driver, but brandishing a blade because someone interrupted your bowel movement? Big Joe Grizzly has seen some shit! And I want to know what that shit is.

These are but a handful of my personal selections, there are endless genre characters we simply didn’t get enough of, so give us yours in the comments.

Thanks for reading and see you next week!

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QUINTESSENTIAL QUINTUPLETS: MICHAEL MYERS

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To get back into the routine of writing, I’d planned to post one of these each Sunday for the entire year but got caught up in other things. Not even February and I’m already woefully slacking on a New Year’s resolution. That ends now. Like the topic of this particular Top 5 — I’m back.

It occurred to me that I’ve devoted a lot of thought to the best versions of Jason Voorhees, but never to he of the blackest eyes. I set about remedying that, and debated myself incessantly in the process. In the end, however, there can be only one, and I’m at peace with result.

Know one thing: my top Jason is Derek Mears, so the king of this hill is not going to be who you think.

5. GEORGE P. WILBUR / HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS (1988), THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1995)

One could refer to HALLOWEEN 4 as universally loved because, honestly, I haven’t met anyone who dislikes RETURN, but that’s where things started to go off the rails a bit so far as Mikey’s concerned. Wilbur certainly can’t be held responsible for the mask, but in ’88 we started venturing away from the classic approach of Nick Castle, and by the time CURSE arrived in ’95, Myers just didn’t feel like Myers anymore. The reality is the chasm between Nos. 4 & 5 and the trio up top makes the Grand Canyon look a drainage ditch. Wilbur was solid enough, but his movement and physicality simply felt skewed. That said, anyone who had the awareness to remove the stoic Shatner after each scene to reassure a 10-year-old Danielle Harris it was all pretend is in my cool book, permanent. Okay, this is pretty sweet, too.

4. DICK WARLOCK / HALLOWEEN II (1981)

Listen, Warlock is a legend in the game. He’s got more than 200 IMDB credits as a stunt performer and held down acting roles in numerous films including THE THING and HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH a year after his dual turns as Myers and Patrolman #3 in the sequel to the immortal classic. Through RESURRECTION (2002), Warlock deviated the least from the original construct–while upping Myers’ “not to be fucked with” street cred–and as such, secures the top spot just outside the medal podium. Warlock was good but not great. All right, Ima bounce on down to the bronze section before Patti stabs my ass for disrespecting her boy.

3. TYLER MANE / HALLOWEEN (2007), HALLOWEEN II (2009)

However you feel about Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEENs, it’s challenging to make an argument against Tyler Mane being the ideal choice for Zombie’s “unique vision of a legendary tale”. Myers had long been an insatiable killing machine by the time Mane’s enormous 6-foot, 9-inch frame entered stage left, which meant things went from dire to hopeless with the quickness. So, I don’t care that Mane’s iteration spoke or about the ceaseless, petty yammering of “purists” because this Shape absolutely annihilated Annie (Danielle Harris) and Nurse Daniels (Octavia Spencer), and dispatched with Big Joe Grizzly’s (Ken Foree) similarly gigantic ass with such unnatural ease I wouldn’t have been the least bit shocked to discover “abandon all hope ye who enter here” scribbled on the stall wall. Mane’s brutality is, was, and ever shall be something to behold.

2. NICK CASTLE / HALLOWEEN (1978)

Look, Castle is the OG. Nothing can ever diminish his contribution to the franchise, but at a certain point, let’s take a look. John Carpenter wanted Castle because of his graceful fluidity of movement. “Just walk, Nick” is a phrase we’ve all heard time and again since 1978. And shit was effective, it got the job done. But Castle never strolled the streets of Haddonfield outside of The Shape’s mystery and subtlety–which he played to perfection–but for me, the top spot calls for complexity. His greatness is beyond dispute, but I’m not going to award Castle top billing just because he was first in line.

1. JAMES JUDE COURTNEY / HALLOWEEN (2018), HALLOWEEN KILLS (2021), HALLOWEEN ENDS (2022)

No one would ever confuse me with inhuman patience, but I was waitin’ on a Shape to emerge that channeled the grace of Castle with the brutality of Mane — and then a voice cried out — let there be James Jude Courtney. Big Game James wasn’t emulating Castle when he donned the mask in ’18, merely exuding Castle’s energy. Dude simply watched the OG sit up and walk across the screen and was like “I got it.” Courtney approached the part in a very cerebral way, which was why he was able to communicate so much with a glance, head tilt, or even a stare; prerequisites in trilogy bookends that dove deftly into trauma, grief, and loss. But when it came time to throw down, it was over before it began. A worried resident looking out the window — got a check-up from the neck up. Engine 78 called in to put out the fire — beat with their own shoe. A nurse trying to dial 9-1-1 — converted into a wall ornament. To say nothing of the fact that whenever he shared the screen with Jamie Lee Curtis, you felt their unearthly connection. Should other HALLOWEENs follow (they will), Courtney has redefined the standard by which all Shape’s shall be judged forever more.

HONORABLE MENTION

My man has portrayed Jason and Victor Crowley four times apiece and demanded to sport Freddy’s glove to pull his own hock to Hell, It only makes sense that Kane Hodder team with Adam Green and Joel David Moore to shed light on a question long pondered: who taught Michael Myers to drive?

Agree? Disagree? Sound off in the comments below. And be sure to check back each Sunday for the latest installment of Quintessential Quintuplets.

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40 Years Of The Scariest “Halloween” Movie: Halloween II

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It’s been 40 years since studios practically begged Carpenter for a sequel to his monumentally successful Halloween movie; and an unforgettable one at that. I realize this might be a hot take dubbing Dick Warlock King Myers over his amazing predecessor Nick Castle- but I’ll die on this hill. Warlock scared the ever-loving shit out of me as a kid in this simply fantastic sequel more so than the original.

John Carpenter’s Halloween was everything a perfectly effective horror slasher should look like without the heavy gore effects. The film used tension-building sequences paired with genius camera work and of course, the infamous score by Carpenter himself that practically made the movie what it is today. When Halloween II came around three years later, the film allowed Myers to continue his killing quest but in a much more sinister tone; if that were even possible but hey- here we are. The sequel was Halloween on steroids (by 1981 standards anyway), with both an angrier Myers and soundtrack to accompany him during his “walk”, and it made The Shape that much scarier.

Here me out but first, enjoy the greatest pumpkin intro of the franchise that breaks apart into a grim, grinning skull foreshadowing that is a lot more evil and death was built into this installment so hold onto your kitchen knives ladies- especially YOU Mrs. Elrod!

Now, after Loomis unloads all his bullets into Michael and he simply just walks away from the scene, he slinks into a neighboring home occupied by the Elrods who are winding down from the night with a couple of ham sandwiches and a viewing of Romero’s Night of the Living Dead; or at least they think they are. Michael, in a very ballsey fashion, opens up the back patio door to the kitchen where Mrs. Elrod is preparing her sleepy husband some food, and had her back not been turned, she would have been extra meat for those sandwiches for sure. Myers just grabs the knife sitting on the cutting board and walks out, and Mrs. Elrod lets out a blood-curdling scream that would wake the dead once she sees the missing knife and drips of blood all over the counter. This then grabs the attention of her own neighbor, Alice Martin, who unfortunately doesn’t get away so lucky; and that’s when we see that Myers really isn’t fucking around in the sequel. In the first film, Myers while it was at random, set his sights on a specific group and stayed the course. Even people getting in his way, by just basically being in his path, didn’t get the slash treatment. Marion Chambers, while he scared her goddamn good, he didn’t kill her. He just needed the car and he very well could have. Same for little Lonnie- Myers seemed to get off just as well in putting a good fright into his victims while maintaining his kill course targets. BUT, Alice performing her civic duty upon hearing her elderly neighbors’ screams, got her brutally murdered in a most vicious way and we get our first real jump scare in the sequel. Why? My best-educated horror guess is because she WAS simply in his path and now we know that absolutely NO ONE is safe this time around.

It did its job too. Scared the piss out of me when I first saw it.

Moving on to a now hysterical Loomis who in the first film kept his composure throughout quite well, damn near shoots a kid because he is wearing a similar mask to Michael’s. May as well have anyway since we all know how that scene worked out. The good doctor throughout the franchise sinks deeper into madness in his fight to stop Michael and in doing so, endangers those around him. Just look what happened to poor Ben Tramer and then the deputy at the end of the film. The guy was just doing his job- he certainly didn’t ask for this shit.

That’s just terrifying.

Even more horrifying is the scene with the razor blade in the apple. Good LAWD seeing that as a child was traumatizing almost even more so than Myers on a rampage itself. The lore and urban legends swirling around Halloween night of bastards putting arsenic and razor blades in candy for kids put the fear of GOD into a lot of parents and even some anxious kids as well. Well, in Halloween II they made it real and it was real disgusting at that. Fairly brilliant writing to add that little extra tidbit in there. Also full disclosure, for years as a kid I thought this was an ice cube in the kid’s mouth until my father corrected me; and that totally blew my mind and horrified me. I’m all about transparency here.

Now, aside from a crazy Loomis, laced candy, and an angrier score by John Carpenter and Alan Howarth, we have to discuss the biggest sell here as to why Halloween II is much scarier than its predesessor- and that everyone is DICK WARLOCK.

Nick Castle did an absolute bang-up job as The Shape in the original, but it was Warlock’s menacing force of nature that gave Myers a more evil presence. Kind of like what Kane Hodder did for Jason Voorhes, Dick did for Michael and he nailed it as what I think, is the perfect personification of Michael Myers. Many see his moves as robotic in nature, but I think that is precisely what makes The Shape slightly scarier. As stated earlier, Myers is more focused and determined to get the job done this time around sort of like a Terminator. And honestly, would there be anything more terrifying than Michael Myers as a goddamn Terminator?! I think not… The guy walked through a glass door without hesitation without any problem to get to Laurie for fucks’ sake. Just straight through the thing! Or the fact he’s walking down a steep set of stairs without looking at his feet or holding onto anything in that mask that you and I both know is obstructive somewhat in the very least.

That’s just gangster.

Stabbing down at empty pillows, getting his hand almost caught in an elevator door, and his quick- jolt-like movements without using all of his body parts are just nothing short of brilliance on Warlock’s end. Without ever saying a word, a grunt, or even having that heavy breathing as pronounced as it was in the first movie, Warlock managed to give us a more pissed-off Myers and execute it perfectly. I just wish we would have seen more of him in subsequent sequels. But hey, we’ll always have his robotic, malevolent force in Halloween II and Season of the Witch.

Happy 40th anniversary to the scariest installment of the Halloween franchise. If you haven’t already pick up this masterpiece from Amazon. I always prefer the 30th-anniversary edition Blu-Ray from Shout Factory as it contains the bonus feature of Terror In The Aisles! Can’t really beat it for $10!