So John Kransinki’s A Quiet Place raked in over $50 million in its initial weekend, further solidifying the horror revolution that we’ve enjoyed for more than two years. Kransinski was so effective as a father doing all he could to protect his children and pregnant wife, that it occurred to me that Jim Halpert was not the only alumnus of The Office to make a dent in the world of horror.
Here are just a few who’ve also made a lasting impression.
RAINN WILSON
“Question.” No one was as painfully and rudely inappropriate as Dwight K. Schrute, nor could any inhabitant of the Dunder Mifflin branch irritate Michael Scott quite like our favorite beet farmer. Well, maybe Andy. That said, the fact that the Assistant to the Regional Manager’s queries never came to an end, it was altogether fitting that what made Wilson’s appearance in House of 1000 Corpses so memorable (and ultimately sealed his doom), was that his curiosity could not be quenched.
KATHY BATES
She rode in as Jo Bennett, a no-nonsense southern belle, which wasn’t exactly in keeping with the shenanigans of Scranton, but American Horror Story aside, we’ll never have the capability to see Bates and not think about Annie Wilkes. Don’t get us wrong, Bates’ brilliance allows her to fully embody any role she chooses, but her turn as Paul Sheldon’s biggest fan was, well, a sledgehammer.
LESLIE DAVID BAKER
Let’s face it, Stanley’s monotone aggression and disdainful glances were part of his charm, but every day cannot be pretzel day. At first glance, about the best we could do was note that Baker appeared in an episode of Key & Peele. As we all know, Jordan Peele’s Get Out provided us with the most important horror film since George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (1968), but this isn’t six degrees of Kevin Bacon, so instead, let’s turn to Dwight’s display with the CPR mannequins, because no one was more terrified of that Lecter moment than Stanley.
CRAIG ROBINSON
Big man admitted that he’d be upset if he didn’t at least get a bite of the Milky Way in This is the End, but no one who’s seen Tragedy Girls can say that they A) didn’t absolutely adore the Brianna Hildebrand and Alexandra Shipp-helmed hit, or B) elicit a squeal upon seeing Robinson on-screen pumping iron and rallying the community.
JENNA FISCHER
Pam’s relationship with Jim felt so real that it has become the goal of everyone who desires to live the dream. The foundation of that love was achieved whilst Fischer sat at her desk taking calls and conspiring with Halpert to mess with Dwight, so it’s rather perfect that Fischer rocked a phone headset as a bunch of creepy crawlers entered the equation in Slither. And don’t call her Pammie.
TIMOTHY OLYPHANT
Brief though his appearance as Danny Cordray was, Olyphant is part of The Office universe, and as such, we can look past David, the heroic cop in Romero’s The Crazies (2011), and instead revel in his crazy stance that Ewoks blew in Scream 2.
IDRIS ELBA
Charles Miner couldn’t determine what would motivate The Office’s workforce, but for our purposes here, let’s look past his appearance as Roland in Stephen King’s The Dark Tower, and instead take pride in the fact that Elba appeared in the Prom Night (2008) remake, as well 28 Weeks Later. And if we could go back to Fischer for a moment, “how do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?”
I’m pretty much already going to denounce you as a friend (or future friend for that matter) if you can’t get down on some Heathers. The black comedy that first premiered this day, March 31st, 1988 has not only stood the test of cinematic time but remains a significant piece of cultural bliss for those of us that grew up on the tale of bitches and corn nuts. The movie dares to expose the very real fucked up lives of your average suburbian high school with the dark corners of fads, cliques, and social status in such a way that instead of looking it as standard entertainment, we take it as chicken soup for the soul. In the ’70s, teenage girls had “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.” In the ’80s, we got fucked gently with a chainsaw by Heathers.
Just as with morals on how NOT to be a shitty human came with the film, so did an abundance of quotes and one-liners that even to this day, we still use without hesitation. Now 30 years later, we’re still responding to that dumb-ass question with. “Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?” and if that hasn’t gotten old as shit by now, chances are it never will. And to that, I say, GOOD. Real life sucks losers dry. So yeah lets motor, let’s look at the most memorable quotes from the film that ages like fine wine on its 30th birthday!
9. “The Extreme Always Seems To Make An Impression”
Ain’t that the truth JD! The squeaky wheel gets the grease… or something like that. Maybe not to JD’s extreme, but it seemed to ward off bumbling senior assholes Kurt and Ram, as this quote refers to the incident between the trio earlier that day in the cafeteria. Not only a suitable lesson to learn but a proper way to address your outrageous behavior. Kinda like explaining to your ex after catching them cheating why you burned every pair of pants they own.
8. “How Very”
One of the easiest (and snarkiest) quotes to insert into any daily conversation. This is also one of my favorite gifs to use and by fucks, I use it any chance I get.
7. “Greetings and Salutations”
If you’re not introducing yourself using JD’s signature line, you’ve been doing it wrong all these years. Also, gotta love that Jack Nicholson vibe early Slater gives off throughout this whole movie.
6. “Lick It Up, Baby! Lick. It. Up.”
In other words, go fuck yourself bitch. Just a less vulgar way of telling someone to kiss your ass but nonetheless just as effective. And satisfying if I don’t say so myself.
5. “You Wanna Fuck With the Eagles, You Gotta Learn To Fly”
I don’t even fully understand this to this very day. However, I take it as when you aim for those high aspirations, go big or go home. Just another awesomely memorable, yet odd quote from the film you may hear every now and again.
4. “Veronica, Why Are You Pulling My Dick?”
The classiest way to say, “why are you messing with me?” never goes out of style. Case in point, the best moment for Heather Duke’s character in the whole film. Our little Eskimo is all grown up!
3. “Did You Have A Brain Tumor For Breakfast?”
Don’t ask stupid questions you already know the answer to.
2. “What’s Your Damage Heather?!”
I’m fairly certain any humanoid who has ever seen this film, has uttered this line at least once either in fun, or to sincerely ask someone who shit in their Cheerios that morning. A true classic to the end.
1. “Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw”
PSA: Although both witty and funny, you should never fuck anyone with a chainsaw. Unless perhaps your Leatherface getting off in TCM2, and if that’s your thing, then no judgments here. Anywho, of course, this quote tops them all. Especially when you add in that Mother Teresa line.
Sometimes, venturing out to your local video rental shop wasn’t required to find the most psychologically fucked up film for your Saturday viewing pleasures. Every once in a while, Lifetime, or whatever station the “movie-of-the-week” aired on, would throw you for a loop with one of those based-on-a-true-story flicks that just scarred the ever-loving hell out of you. All for free-ninety-free! Well, to us moochy kids not paying the cable bill anyway. When I think back on nostalgic made for TV films, without fail these five movies are always the ones that first come to mind. Mostly due to the really screwed up scenes entailed within that tend to stick with you, ensuring you never forget the first time you watched poor Jo from The Facts of Life get horrifically stabbed and mangled at the hands of Pet Semetary‘s Louis Creed.
Talk about traumatizing for not just a kid, but anyone with an even little bit of heart. So without further adieu, here are the five made-for-tv movies that set the bar high in the “goddamn this is disturbing” category.
5. “No One Would Tell” (1996)
Based on the real-life incident between 14-year-old Amy Carnevale her murderer, 16-year-old Jamie Fuller, NBC’s No One Would Tell took that loveable Kevin Arnold and made us hate him with every bone in our fibers in 1996.
Stacy (Candace Cameron) and Bobby (Fred Savage) seem like such a cute couple. But hey, it’s movie of the week and that can’t be the end of it. Bobby is an insanely jealous son-of-a-bitch who is extremely abusive to poor Stacy; leaving her with mental and physical bruises. She takes it with her head down for some time, however, when she breaks off the relationship, things turn deadly.
Personally, and while this is a movie based on true events, I feel like the most traumatizing aspect of this is seeing these family-friendly stars from The Wonder Years and Full House, in this sort of role. I mean, KEVIN KILLED DJ! Never, have I ever looked at The Wonder Years the same again without snarling a tad at Kevin.
Before we even dive into this bag of dicks, let me make very clear this is in no way superior to the original with Miss Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. Nowhere close. But, Lynn Redgrave does give a mighty unsettling performance as Baby Jane. Enough so to scare the living shit out of me when I was a kid. So credit where it’s due.
The plot remains the same as the 1962 adaptation but is set in the 90s for a more modern take on the novel by Henry Farrell. As stated of course, this rehash doesn’t compare to the masterpiece of the original, but if you look at it as a mere retelling of a classic, then its a rather enjoyable flick. And the late Redgrave’s portrayal of the insanity-induced Jane is creepy on all the levels. Which is why I made the decision to include it on this list. Her performance alone gave me undeniable skeevies.
3. The Burning Bed (1984)
Oh man, here we go. The Burning Bed from 1984 tells the horrific tale of fed-up battered housewife, Francine Hughes. Played by Charlie’s Angels sweetheart Farrah Fawcett, the film that debuted on NBC recounts the relationship between Francine and her scumbag husband of 13 years, James “Mickey” Hughes. The amount of physical and mental abuse at the hands of this man (and I use that term rather loosely) is beyond my comprehension. And it only makes me question why she didn’t do what she did a hell of a lot sooner.
On March 9th, 1977 Francine grabbed her kids and asked them to wait in the car in the middle of the night while her drunk as a skunk husband was passed out on their bed. She then grabbed some gasoline, poured it over the bed with the wife-beater in it, and set it aflame. Killing her abuser and freeing herself once and for all. Well, in the physical sense anyway.
Now, I normally wouldn’t condone such an action. But to understand, you’d have to see for yourself the viciousness this poor woman went through. It was bad enough for even the viewers of the film to become rather disturbed by such a thought. And even now in the present, still manages to give you goosebumps. Francine Moran Hughes died just last year from complications from pneumonia. She was 69.
The true story of a young burn victim David Rothenberg (played by Matthew Lawrence) at the hands of his own father came to ABC in October of 1988. This made-for-TV treasure took us on a roller coaster of every emotion imaginable. One I still haven’t forgotten and scarred my ass for life.
Co-starring Dan Lauria, Bernadette Peters, and John Glover, David is rather difficult to watch. Watching the destruction and ultimate betrayal of trust between David and his father is something not only any parent, but any sane humanoid would find difficult to swallow. I mean, he set his kid on fire for fuck’s sake! If that wasn’t horrific enough, we witness a struggle and burden I would never wish on any parent- David’s mother. However, underneath the horror story is a tale of heart-warming triumph as we watch little David become a stronger human being than anyone could ever foresee. On a personal note, I lose my shit every time on the scene with little David trying to eat ice cream in his body burn cast.
Today, David is doing well and if anyone is interested in following him, here’s his facebook page.
Holy Buck, nothing in the universe will ever top the traumatizing visual this film based on the vicious attack on Miss Tracy Thurman courtesy of her estranged, psycho of a husband, Buck Thurman.
Starring Nancy McKeon as Tracy and Dale Midkiff as the insufferable Buck, the story follows the pair’s tumultuous relationship from the moment they met, through the abuse, and finally the incident on Norwell St. on June 10, 1983, that nearly killed her. And that incident reenacted for this film that premiered in October (horrifyingly appropriate) on NBC, is ridiculously disturbing on so many levels. AND LONG AS HELL. It literally seems to last for a good 15 minutes. I just want to break everything in sight as I sit and watch this all go down, with so many people watching and doing nothing. An incompetent cop about to shit his pants who just stands there asking politely for the knife dripping with Tracy’s blood from Buck’s hand. All while he’s holding the ex-couple’s three-year-old son mind you. I rage with all the fury every time I think about it. This is all really happened, and it makes me so angry.
However, in light of the attack, Tracy’s survival, and the police department that failed her, a lawsuit filed by Tracy and her lawyer Burton Weinstein brought about sweeping national reform of domestic violence laws, including the “Thurman Law” (aka the Family Violence Prevention and Response Act) instituted in Connecticut in 1986. Making domestic violence an automatically arrestable offense, even if the victim does not wish to press charges.
You go girl. Also, if you have the balls and the stomach, here’s that clip I was ranting about.
