News

A Reboot of Stephen King’s “The Stand” Miniseries Coming to CBS? Either Way, It’s Long Overdue…

Image April 3, 2018 Patti PaulterGeist 1 Comment

If this turns out to be another dead end to a much-needed revival of one of Stephen King’s greatest achievements, I’m going to plague the interwebs with my fury and wrath in such a way they’ll be begging for mercy from Captain Trips.

Maybe I’m being a tad dramatic. However, I’ve been burned before with the hopes of a glorious and deserved reboot of my favorite novel. So, forgive me going forward.

Anyway, by now you may have heard the news across the interwebs that the thought to be a dead project of Josh Boone’s reboot of The Stand, is in fact not dead at all. Just on hold for now and actually has a future residency with CBS All Access in the form of a 10-hour long miniseries event. The word comes from the sometimes accurate Hollywood Tracking Board. Although I’m hopeful, I do have my reservations as talks of this deserved reboot have been an on and off thing for a few years now.

The post-apocalyptic, 800+ page novel by the literary master of horror published in 1978, eventually made its way into the cinematic world as most of Kings’ books tend to do. With a story such in-depth as The Stand, a two-hour film would never suffice, so out came a 6-hour miniseries in 1994 to the ABC network. While the miniseries starring the talents of Gary Sinise, Shawnee Smith, and Rob Lowe is an enjoyable series to revisit time and again, the story itself is definitely overdue for a modern makeover with today’s technology. I mean, the effects certainly aren’t as terrible as the made-for-tv The Langoliers, but I’d put it in the same ball-park for sure.

Just look at that cheese-whiz! Mind you, it doesn’t bother me that much, but for a Stephen King adaptation we can do a lot better, can’t we?

Also, it would be nice to see a proper tribute to the novel that is widely considered, one of King’s best pieces of work. Let’s just make sure we get Crispin Glover to play Trashcan Man, deal?

Editorials

The Only Word Worthy of Kelly Maxwell

Image April 3, 2018 Landon Evanson Leave a comment

WARNING: If you have not seen “Tales from the Rift,” turn back now. There are spoilers afoot.

Twenty-six episodes. More than two-and-a-half seasons of Ash vs Evil Dead have brought me to the realization that I still lack the vocabulary to capably describe Dana DeLorenzo as Kelly Maxwell.

Thoughts of Ambrose Redmoon’s declaration that “courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear” danced through my head, but soon faded because that too, was an insufficient concept.

Do I go with brave or tough, intelligent or loyal? Perhaps referring to her as a leader, vigorous or formidable?

How could a single word encapsulate one of the strongest women in horror history, when so many adjectives apply?

It was a challenge, to be sure, but inspired by Friday the 13^th’s finest final girl (Amy Steel), I came to the conclusion that I had to “think beyond the legend,” and “put it in real terms.”

Dana DeLorenzo’s Kelly was uncompromising.

From our “El Jefe” introduction to her epic showdown with Ruby (Lucy Lawless) in Sunday’s “Tales from the Rift,” we watched a young woman grow from grieving daughter to unyielding warrior, and never give an inch.

What set Kelly apart was that she was anything but one dimensional. A badass to be sure, but one who never veered from the deepest vestiges of who she was – loving and loyal to her boys Pablo (Ray Santiago) and Ash (Bruce Campbell) – and always willing to do what needed to be done. Maxwell was the personification of Redmoon’s maxim, tossing fear aside because her new family and the fate of the world were more important than the uncertainty of her own survival.

DeLorenzo stood face-to-face with evil, the cabin, militiamen, cops, demon spawn and finally Ruby, and never blinked. And though Maxwell’s own sense of revenge was the catalyst to forging her own path, that swelled over time.

While ridding the world of Deadites, Kelly took the time to comfort Linda Emery (Michell Hurd), offer tough, motherly words that Brandy (Arielle Carver-O’Neill) needed to hear, and inspire Pablito to believe that he was, in fact, the powerful vagina he was destined to become.

And in the end, with Ruby at the height of her ruthless power, it was Kelly who bore the weight of protector on her shoulders, and her shoulders alone. With no guarantee that she’d endure the day, Maxwell decided to take the battle to Ruby for Pablo. And Ash. And Brandy. And her parents. Because to Kelly’s thinking, no one, not her loved ones or anyone else’s, should have to suffer the pain of loss ever again. And if she could stop it, then she would not hesitate to embrace the opportunity, while sparing those she cherished the danger of putting their own lives on the line.

That was Kelly Maxwell’s identity. An uncompromising fighter and friend, who never altered who or what she stood for, or how she lived her life — for anything or anyone — not anguish, adversity, or evil. She lived, loved and laughed, with an eye forever on the prize of end game; the focused leader to Ash’s reluctant, fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants Chosen One.

She went out on her terms, doing everything within her considerable capability to save those who had her heart, while the Evil Dead fandom watched through teary eyes as an uncompromised, almost imperceptible smile turned her lips before she breathed her last.

It was a good death.

Lists

“Heathers”Still Very 30 Years Later! Here’s 9 Quotes From the Film We All Love to Use

Image March 31, 2018 Patti PaulterGeist Leave a comment

I’m pretty much already going to denounce you as a friend (or future friend for that matter) if you can’t get down on some Heathers. The black comedy that first premiered this day, March 31st, 1988 has not only stood the test of cinematic time but remains a significant piece of cultural bliss for those of us that grew up on the tale of bitches and corn nuts. The movie dares to expose the very real fucked up lives of your average suburbian high school with the dark corners of fads, cliques, and social status in such a way that instead of looking it as standard entertainment, we take it as chicken soup for the soul. In the ’70s, teenage girls had “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.” In the ’80s, we got fucked gently with a chainsaw by Heathers.

Just as with morals on how NOT to be a shitty human came with the film, so did an abundance of quotes and one-liners that even to this day, we still use without hesitation. Now 30 years later, we’re still responding to that dumb-ass question with. “Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?” and if that hasn’t gotten old as shit by now, chances are it never will. And to that, I say, GOOD. Real life sucks losers dry. So yeah lets motor, let’s look at the most memorable quotes from the film that ages like fine wine on its 30th birthday!

9. “The Extreme Always Seems To Make An Impression”

Ain’t that the truth JD! The squeaky wheel gets the grease… or something like that. Maybe not to JD’s extreme, but it seemed to ward off bumbling senior assholes Kurt and Ram, as this quote refers to the incident between the trio earlier that day in the cafeteria. Not only a suitable lesson to learn but a proper way to address your outrageous behavior. Kinda like explaining to your ex after catching them cheating why you burned every pair of pants they own.

8. “How Very”

One of the easiest (and snarkiest) quotes to insert into any daily conversation. This is also one of my favorite gifs to use and by fucks, I use it any chance I get.

7. “Greetings and Salutations”

If you’re not introducing yourself using JD’s signature line, you’ve been doing it wrong all these years. Also, gotta love that Jack Nicholson vibe early Slater gives off throughout this whole movie.

6. “Lick It Up, Baby! Lick. It. Up.”

In other words, go fuck yourself bitch. Just a less vulgar way of telling someone to kiss your ass but nonetheless just as effective. And satisfying if I don’t say so myself.

5. “You Wanna Fuck With the Eagles, You Gotta Learn To Fly”

I don’t even fully understand this to this very day. However, I take it as when you aim for those high aspirations, go big or go home. Just another awesomely memorable, yet odd quote from the film you may hear every now and again.

4. “Veronica, Why Are You Pulling My Dick?”

The classiest way to say, “why are you messing with me?” never goes out of style. Case in point, the best moment for Heather Duke’s character in the whole film. Our little Eskimo is all grown up!

3. “Did You Have A Brain Tumor For Breakfast?”

Don’t ask stupid questions you already know the answer to.

2. “What’s Your Damage Heather?!”

I’m fairly certain any humanoid who has ever seen this film, has uttered this line at least once either in fun, or to sincerely ask someone who shit in their Cheerios that morning. A true classic to the end.

1. “Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw”

PSA: Although both witty and funny, you should never fuck anyone with a chainsaw. Unless perhaps your Leatherface getting off in TCM2, and if that’s your thing, then no judgments here. Anywho, of course, this quote tops them all. Especially when you add in that Mother Teresa line.