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Ho-Ho HorrorDays! Ten of the Best Christmas Horror Movie Kills!

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Today we’re going back to the gritty basics here on NN and diving deep down the grimy chimney into the seventh layer of Santa Claus Hell with some of my favorite kill scenes in the Christmas Horror genre.

A horror movie’s kill count and quality can be the deciding factor to some moviegoers in the arena of whether the film is considered memorable or not. Personally, this sort of thing doesn’t phase me but to others, it’s a damn big deal so I’ve put together here a list of some pretty fucked up but awesome death scenes in the Christmas horror category of the genre for nothing other than our pure entertainment.

Now, On Slasher, on Necromancer! On Basher and Vex-in! Cheesy, I know but I couldn’t help myself.

10. Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker- Death by Toy Worm

I have a weird and unrelenting love for Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker starring America’s favorite Golden Age loveable actor, Mickey Rooney. So I’m including it purely out of my own bias, and well because it doesn’t get any love whatsoever on Christmas Horror lists. And mother fucker, I’m a rebel.

Harold the landlord chokes down on this toy slug as he’s driving while this wild worm toy comes to life in his car and basically hollows out his skull, resulting in obviously his death followed by a fiery crash. What a way to go out.

9. Jack Frost- Snowman Rape

Beyond the pure joy we had as kids switching this hysterical horror gem out with Michael Keaton’s family-friendly film Jack Frost at our local video stores, this cult status holiday wtf-fest was, and still is a must-see for any horror fan.

In said scene, an inconspicuous carrot appears in the tub with Liz, followed by a mound of snow forming into that of Jack Frost. He grabs Liz, slams her around a bit while forcefully banging (ahem) her against the bathroom wall, ultimately dropping her naked body on the cold tile for her to die out. That is forever some wild shit to put on screen.

8. Krampus- Kid Eaten By Jack-In-The-Box

I always gotta give credit when a horror movie has the balls to kill a kid. 2015’s Krampus did this very thing with no apologies for it.

Jordan was a bit of a dick, but as a parent, I almost feel bad for the kid, as really no one deserves to be chomped up and eaten by a giant Der Jack-in-the-Box with teeth that can only rival that of Reverend Henry Kane. Not much to say other than it’s fucked up and brutal, folks.

7. Christmas Evil- Death by Toy Soldier

An underrated Christmas gem of chaos goes to Christmas Evil, and this toy soldier right in the eye, courtesy of our psychopath Santa of the moment, Harry Stadling. Harry here has a lot in common with the more well-known Santa suit donning maniac, Billy Silent Night, Deadly Night, as both are triggered into a homicidal rampage on Christmas, and check it, both work with toys. However, Harry actually WANTS to be Santa and will go as far as sticking toys in eyeballs to ensure that everyone takes his stance seriously, followed by an ax to the dome.

6. Gremlins- Mrs. Deagle Gets Yeeted

Very few deaths in horror movies were ever so satisfying as that of Mrs. Deagle getting yeeted from her electric staircase chair, right onto the street courtesy of the Gremsters. She threatened a dog-she had this coming. And her 100 cats didn’t deserve her.

5. Inside- Fetal Extraction

A newer film often unmentioned but worth a watch, if you can stomach it, is Inside. If it’s more than 10 years old, you’ll not likely hear a peep from said film on this blog, but here’s a rare exception. I’m not even gonna tell you what it’s about, but it takes place on Christmas Eve and involves a pregnant widow. And well, I guess this is a massive spoiler here but this scene in question is about as brutal as it gets and I can’t NOT give it a nod.

Inside isn’t available on Amazon but you can it for free on VUDU!

4. Silent Night- Wood Chipper

A somewhat retelling of Silent Night. Deadly Night (we already had one of those with Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 thanks) 2012 brought us Silent Night and this infamous scene where if you haven’t seen the film, you at least have heard about it.

The Coen Brothers’ FARGO doesn’t hold a candle to this death-by-wood-chipper scene where our manic Santa feeds a porn star into the hungry machine legs first. I mean, porn stars are supposed to give woodys right? Maybe they were just taking it very literally here. I’m just full of bad Dad jokes today.

3. Elves- Santa’s “Sack“

This 1989 hot mess of a Christmas cult classic is just that- and I’m fucking here for it.

Listen, this 2-foot homicidal Goblin Elf stabbing this Mall Santa in his junk had me laughing for hours upon the first watch- and I never forgot it. This roller coaster of a goofy film that includes shameless nudity, an F-Bomb every 10 seconds, and a Nazi plot (yes nazis) along with Dan Haggarty, isn’t for everyone. But at the very least, it’s good for a laugh- with this scene in particular being the film’s Mona Lisa moment.

One of you lucky elves can snatch this DVD from a seller on ETSY for a great price since the movie is hard to come by on streaming sites.

2. Silent Night, Deadly Night

Hanging Linnea from the antlers with care, with psycho Billy Santa screaming “PUNISH” everywhere.

Silent Night, Deadly Night is known throughout the horror community for a lot of things other than just another Christmas horror flick. From all the nostalgic items seen throughout Ira’s Toys to being banned from theaters thanks to a bunch of angry moms protesting the movie outside local cinemas. But, perhaps the most memorable thing is our dear horror queen Linnea Quigley being strung up like a demented Christmas trophy kill. Goddess bless that woman.

1. Black Christmas- Plastic Bag Death

Here we are- the ultimate fucked up Christmas horror death and perhaps the most infamous- the plastic bag suffocation of Clarein 1974’s Black Christmas.

As if having your head swaddled around by Saran Wrap disabling your breath and draining your life force isn’t terrifying enough, the fact she was never found makes this even more horrific. The sheer irony that the movie is integrally “wrapped” around Clare’s death shoots this to number one for me because damn that’s just brilliant. That final shot of Black Christmas sticks with you for a long time. Note: if we can just make a holiday horror yule log out of that shot alone, taunting us from the window as we stare at the ‘Pi Kappa Sigma’ sorority house from the street, that would be the Christmas gift we all need this year, thanks.

Lists

Don’t Mess With Mama! Celebrating The Most Bad Ass Moms in Horror Films

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Being a mother myself of two beautiful, and at times obnoxious children, I can say with certainty that one full day dedicated to the mothers of the world is not nearly enough! The mothers who pull double duty in both Mom AND Dad roles. The mom who works two jobs to give you a better life than perhaps she experienced growing up. The one woman in your life whom you should be able to trust and to will always be there. Sadly, and myself included, there are some of us out there who do not have this luxury. Someone whom THEY can trust and go to for motherly advice.

In light of this fact, and while the country is celebrating mothers all over this weekend for this year’s now Hallmark cash grab this is Mother’s Day, I wanted to take a moment to tip my hat and bring appreciation to the great mothers in horror films. Sure, we all know about the psycho moms in horror movies, such as Margaret White or Mama Firefly, but what about the women who set the maternal bar high for the rest of us? In no particular order, let’s take a moment to appreciate the wonderful mothers of horror films, shall we?

Heather Langenkamp

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare

Throughout the Nightmare franchise, we saw Nancy at different stages in her life from her haunted teens, to college student, and at last, a mother. Even if in this case, she technically wasn’t playing the Nancy character, but rather herself, you get the idea. Heather right from the start of the film, is a great fucking mom. As her life is flipped upside down and is one “nightmare’ after another, her son, Dylan, was always her number one concern. Putting her son’s life before her own is something any good mom would do, but she also taught us an important lesson when raising kids. Listen to them. Even if what they have to say is fantastical, give them the benefit of the doubt. Kudos to you Heather for being that paranoid, helicopter mom. Her protectiveness definitely aided in saving her son from the claws of Freddy.

Karen Barclay

Child’s Play

Karen Barclay is a great example of the type of mother I mentioned at the beginning of this little ramble. Karen is just trying to do her best as a single mother while raising her child, Andy. All this lady wanted was for her kid to have a nice birthday and to be able to give him the gift he wanted. Well, fuck me if she didn’t screw that up royally, but her intentions were at its best. After learning the truth about Chucky, Karen goes to the ends of the Earth to prove to the authorities that she, nor her son, are batshit crazy. As stated in the sequels, Karen ended up under “special care” for backing up Andy’s “killer doll” story, while the police denied all. Even though she got burned in the end, let’s give a hand to the mom who wouldn’t back down in cowardice and supported her son no matter the consequences.

Rosemary Woodhouse

Rosemary’s Baby

Rosemary Woodhouse. A tough contender for mother of the year right here. A good majority of the film focuses on her concern and well-being for the little bundle of hell baking inside her. While she did everything in her power to protect herself and her unborn child from the evil that had been looming over her the entire time, fate and the powers behind the madness intervened, and this birth was going to happen THEIR way. When Rosemary comes to her senses in the aftermath of the birth of her child, she discovers the true wickedness that had befallen her and her firstborn. That she had indeed given birth to the Antichrist. The tyrant of a man who would bring humanity to its knees. While Rosemary in the first moments hesitates to even consider thinking that she could be a part of any of these shenanigans, however in the end she looks upon her son with such adoration and love in her eyes. This child is hers. And she will do her part as his mother. She accepts this fairly quickly, and her role as the mother of the child of Satan. Good for you! Accept your child for whom he/she truly are on the inside. Even if it’s the kid who will bring about the end of the world. Way to push that maternal bar high lady.

Donna Trenton

Cujo

Dee’s character of Donna Trenton in Stephen King’s Cujo, is one kick ass mama. Donna and her fragile son Tad experience a terrifying three lovely days of claustrophobia in her car, thanks to an aggressive rabid dog named Cujo ready to pounce on them the moment they exit. Although frightened, and hell, you would be too, Donna manages to pull out her huge set of balls once it’s apparent her sickly son may be meeting his end inside the confined space. She exits the car and starts a raging war against the rabid animal, eventually overpowering him and killing him in the end. Now we all know what a certified badass screen legend Dee Wallace is, but here’s another reason to love the woman: According to Gabrielle Stone, Wallace’s real life daughter, her mother’s role of Donna helped her feel safe in her own home growing up because of how tough her mom was in the film. Now, if that isn’t a parenting win, I don’t know what is.

Diane Freeling

Poltergeist

Diane Freeling is not only a smoking hot mama who occasionally lights up to relax, but one seriously loving mother. When CarolAnne went missing and quickly realized the strange and horrifying truth of her young daughter trapped inside their family TV set, Diane put aside all logic and previous beliefs to try to understand what was exactly happening inside her home, and where exactly her little girl was. This lady, with balls of steel, ventured through a seemingly horrific dimension in hopes of bringing her child back home from the other side. JoBeth Williams’ acting chops in Poltergeist, is brilliant. She makes me believe that she IS Diane Freeling and this is her family. Her struggle. The pain in her voice at losing a child is so chilling and heartbreaking. We salute you, mama. Her heart for her family is one of the strongest on this list.

Pamela Voorhees

Friday the 13th

Ok, so maybe Pamela Voorhees overreacted a tad and I could be possibly be pushing the “good” boundary here, but I really don’t care. Mrs. Voorhees is one damn fine mother, and you really can’t deny the love she has for her Jason. Look at it this way, this lady was a single mom raising a disabled child. One fine summer day, she’s slaving away cooking for a bunch of brats at camp, while some fucking irresponsible teenage horn-dogs rage war with each other’s bodies. All while they’re supposed to be keeping a close eye on these kids. All the while, her son Jason, the apple of her eye, drowns in the lake. Bunch of dickwads if you ask me. She had every right to be pissed. I can’t say I would go on a murderous rampage on a bunch of counselors years later that had nothing to do with it. However, I’m not going to judge the woman. Maybe it was her way of coping. Don’t be so damn judgmental.

Lucy Emerson

The Lost Boys

Lucy was that Tupperware loving, “milk and cookies will make it all better” type of mom that we crave every so often; because let’s face the truth here- if you were dying from a flu, or eh, a hangover, she’d bring you some soup and give you a little Carol Brady heart-to-heart. Though she may need a little convincing when it comes to believing in vampires, she’s still pretty cool when it comes to parenting. Stern when needed, and listens with love. Happy Mother’s Day, Lucy, and watch out for those mullet-chops hanging around the boardwalk!

Mortica Addams

The Addams Family

Oh Morticia. Mrs. Addams may be slightly unconventional in her parenting skills in the average Joe’s eyes, but obviously it works in her family and works well. Her children are confident and secure in themselves and would never dare conform to what society deems “normal“. As Morticia always says, “What is normal to the spider, is chaos to the fly,” and this saying rings true to that sentiment. As mothers, we strive to instill this type of self-confidence in our own children, and the beautiful Morticia wins this round.

Chris MacNeil

The Exorcist

Mrs. MacNeil had it all. A successful career as an actress, a variety of hats and scarves that she could accessorize the shit out of, and of course, the lovely Regan. Before the ugly events that turned this once loving home into the eighth level of Hell, it seemed that Chris and Regan had a pretty tight bond and it was clear the eleven-year-old was the apple of her eye. When the poo hit the fan, Chris did everything in her power to not only protect her daughter, but to also free of her of whatever demonic grip held on so tightly to the poor child. She suffered tremendously in such horrific ways I could never even fathom in reality, but never gave up hope.

Queen Alien

Aliens

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it a hundred times. Queen Alien is a damn good mother and I feel her frustrations. Look at it from her point of view: This is a race different from ours, obviously. Here we have a bunch of humans, and honestly, they’re looking at us like we’re the aliens, coming into their personal space. Killing her unborn children, with fire no less. If you were her, wouldn’t you be pissed too? She is just doing what any good mother would do. Protecting her babies, and hey, if someone is trying to hurt them, you put them down. I get it Your Majesty. I would have gone on that level of crazy right there with you.

Drop a comment below on your favorite maternal force in horror films. Happy Mother’s Day to all my fellow moms, and also to the dads who are wearing the mom hat. This goes to furbaby moms as well! Break out all the wines. You deserve it. And remember…

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Lists

Five Horror Movie Remakes That Got It Right- And Five That SUCKED

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The horror remakes- a debate that has long plagued the horror community causing more internet fights in the past twenty years than the 80-year-old Boston Red Sox and Yankee fan debacle. If you’re a member of the horror community, you know exactly what I speak of.

This is also the only time I’m probably ever going to talk about Rob Zombie’s Halloween – so you can possibly guess where this is going and the answer is yes, I’m fully prepared for the Zombie fans to come at me.

Come At Me Bro GIF - Creepy Weird Come At Me Bro - Discover & Share GIFs

Actually, I’m about as threatening as a teacup chihuahua with three teeth, so be gentle.

Anywho, my personal take: I rather enjoy the bulk of remakes. Ironically, as much as I cuddle nostalgia, I fear the fuzzy feels of such damage any new take on a beloved horror classic may get in the way of giving a tried and true GOOD reboot a chance. Sometimes, the remake/reboot surpasses the original; while others fall so flat, it can makes us absolutely PISSED that a movie studio butchered a horror tale/icon into a steaming pile of shit. In any regard, the classics are always there by our side, like a faithful friend in times of sadness, rage, and happiness. So, are emotions appropriate when a remake just flat out sucks? I think so. We as fans are what drive this genre and we can make or break the industry. It’s entertainment and while I wholly appreciate an artist’s perspective and their visions to do as they please with a creator’s consent, you better be prepared to answer to a legion of fans that put said property on a pedestal- much like an old friend.

That being said, let’s first get into five horror remakes that are so joyous and beautiful, even the original can barely hold a flame to them.

The Thing (1982)

I think it definitely goes without saying John Carpenter’s vision of The Thing is so mind-blowing, that when horror fans speak of it, they talk about this version 99% of the time.

The reimagining of the 1951 sci-fi classic The Thing That Came From Another World, directed by Christian Nyby was part of the alien and science-fiction film phenomena that plagued the 1950s’; and it’s truly hard to believe that the reboot made 30 years later, was beat down into “elitist critic” oblivion by a bunch of newspaper cinematic snobs. YEAH I SAID IT. However, the horror fans have the final say and have made this movie, and rightfully so, as a top tier horror classic surpassing the original in the past almost 40 years and a film that serves as a rite of passage into the horror genre world. Carpenter’s tension driving alien “who dun it” and “who is it” theme along with state of the art masterful effects, and hey an adorable bearded Kurt Russell, is the perfect if not THEE example of how to remake a horror film the right way.

Pick up the special Blu-Ray here!

The Fly (1986)

Much like with Carpenter and The Thing, David Cronenberg delivered a horror movie staple with his body-horror reboot masterpiece, The Fly. Again, with stellar performances from both Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis, Cronenberg and Goldblum managed to elevate this weird science fiction catastrophe into a full-blown horror story of love, desperation, gore, and tragedy- the type that earns Oscars people.

The Fly originally released in 1958 by 20th Century Fox starring Vincent Price, is surely not forgettable by any means and is a classic in its own right. However, Cronenberg’s nightmare scenario that unfold son screen in his vision of the cautionary tale is not just one of the greatest remakes, but one of the greatest horror movies, ever. PERIOD.

Learn all about insect politics here!

The Blob (1988)

Masterminds of horror Chuck Russell and Frank Darabont collaborated to bring this nightmarish Jell-O commercial to life; and we haven’t been the same since.

The Blob of 1988 largely shares the same plot as it’s counterpart released 30 years earlier. But thanks to the relaxation of film censorship and advances in practical effect, ol’ Blobby now has the ability to dissolve faces and hide inside bodies, while forming tentacles to grab it’s victims and turn their limbs into blood soup. The original 1958 film starring Steve McQueen, although considered a classic, stands nowhere near Kevin Dillon and his magical mullet made exactly 30 years later. Russell’s film is superior in every way imaginable, and in my opinion, one of the finest horror movies to watch.

Slither on over to Amazon and grab it here!

House Of Wax (2005)

2005’s House of Wax is one of those rare remakes of a remake that takes hints and cues from another movie that has zero to do with the wax films altogether- and nails the fuck out of it.

Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra, the 2005 version is loosely based off of the 1953 movie starring Vincent Price- which is a gem in itself by the way but doesn’t really follow the same formula of plotlines other than murdering people and turning them into wax figures. The 1953 film is based off 1933’s Mystery of the Wax Museum, starring King Kong‘s Fay Wray and is closely related in the storylines. Now, 2005’s House of Wax takes all these elements and THEN some from 1979’s Tourist Trap and we have a pretty good and goddamn horrifying horror movie. In the case of Tourist Trap, it feels so painfully obvious with a ton of similarities between the two flicks; watch them back to back and you’ll see what I mean.

House of Wax 2005, has gotten a lot of underserved shit over the years and I’m not so sure I understand why. The film is grotesquely executed in such a way where the films before it, were yes, skivvies inducing given the subject matter, but they look like Barney and Friends in comparison. I hate to say that about a Vincent Price movie that I actually love to death, but it is true. Plus we get to see Paris Hilton get a rod shoved through her skull. Who wouldn’t enjoy that?

Relive the horror of the wax museum by clicking here!

Dawn Of The Dead (2004)

George Romero’s 1978 classic Dawn of the Dead didn’t need a remake. In fact, I would consider the whole trilogy untouchable. Yet here we are with the collaboration of James Gunn and Zack Snyder and they pulled it off beautifully. Not bad for a pair of comic book move guys; but hey stranger things have happened like cough, David Gordan Green and Danny McBride rebooting Halloween.

Snyder’s Dead is great in the sense that it respected the original and then made it relevant to audiences of the time. The horror and dread of being trapped in a mall during a zombie apocalypse embedded into the mind of a whole new generation along with some gruesome kills, without a doubt this remake commands our respect. Let us not forget a zombie gave birth to a zombie baby as well in this version; a scene I so happened to watch in theaters while I was eight months pregnant. And the answer is YES, I was fuckin’ horrified. Thanks Snyder for almost putting me into early induced labor.

No need for Sam Goody, especially because it doesn’t exist anymore… Grab it here on Amazon!

Now… The Remakes that make me want to vomit.

Keep in mind, this is purely my own opinion, much like every other wanker blogging on the interwebs. But, seeing as how I have a platform here, I’m gonna go ahead and give my unsolicited ramblings on these remakes that are just pure SHIT.

A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)

UGH. This has to be on the tip top of my list for not only the worst remake, but WORST horror movie EVER. I realize that’s a bit dramatic given that there truly are worse films out there. However, the fact they turned my Nancy into a sniveling coward, is unforgivable.

The character of Nancy Thompson that Wes Craven gave us is one that many fans, women especially, look towards as a very strong, and inspiring female presence in the genre. It was just extremely disappointing to see her so frail. I understand the trauma of sexual abuse could paralyze someone, but as with the original Krueger franchise, it was very merely hinted at; not a full blown storyline which is what I really believe absolutely ruined this remake. Sometimes things are best left unsaid and turning a beloved horror icon into an in-your-face CHIMO, was probably the worst idea ever.

Halloween II (2009)

I’m a fair horror fan- Zombie’s 2007 reimagining of Halloween wasn’t perfect by any means- but it didn’t suck so bad I walked out of the theater like it’s sequel. Yeah, that happened.

Halloween 2007 has it’s own problems for sure, but it doesn’t hold a candle to this hot mess. Let’s get this straight buster, Myers is NOT Voorhees. Can we drop the whole mommy issues bullshit, please? I don’t want to have sympathy for Michael Myers, which was thrown in my face enough in the first installment. He’s a killing machine that Loomis said best, “purely and simply evil…” and THAT’S it! We don’t need white horses, “living dead girl” mommy, and Laurie Strode acting like a trashy hoe. It’s Zombie though, all his characters are the same. BOY, I CAN’T WAIT FOR WHITE TRASH LILY MUNSTER- said no one ever.

Psycho (1998)

Oh, look. A shot-for-shot remake of one of the greatest and most innovative horror films of the twentieth century. We didn’t need this, thanks.

As far as remakes go, I can understand retooling a film to make it more modern for audiences to get behind. But, with the 1998 remake of the Hitchcock classic, it nothing more than a huge waste of everyone’s time. As much as I adore Vince Vaughn and he can actually play creepy well, when you pick a film to redo like this, you’ve already set yourself up for failure. Plus Anne Heche is NO Janet Leigh and is just so unlikable; so we don’t even feel flinch when she gets the shower treatment. It’s like, great now fuck off into the sun already with your annoying ass.

Never remake Psycho. EVER.

The Omen (2006)

How do you make a movie about the son of Satan and make it boring? Well, here we are at another almost, shot for shot remake that doesn’t have the spark or tension drive as the original.

I feel for Liev Schreiber. He’s an AMAZING actor and he carried this movie the best he could. Alas, a badly written script on a great film isn’t enough to keep anyone entertained. Also, it doesn’t help when the kid playing Damien already kind of looks like he will rip your limbs off with his eyes alone. What made The Omen so great, was the fact Damien didn’t look like the Antichrist we would expect, and a lot of the story centered around mom and dad possibly just losing their damn minds. But hey, I suppose the promo for releasing an Omen movie on 06/06/2006 was good enough to reel people in, eh?

Carrie (2013)

Oh boy. This was just a shit show of epic proportions. Carrie was the first film adapted by Stephen King back in 1976 and he’s stated many times it’s the book and later movie that gave King his big jump in his career. That’s a lot of pressure for anyone if you’re going to remake this horror tale and you better get it right. They of course, did not.

Carrie is the type of story that can do well with a reimagining, however, it needs to stay solely in the 70s’ and keep that energy and timeline, or modernize and do it right. This version doesn’t stray very far from the original, except it’s modernized in a very unpalatable way. It adds nothing exciting and even Julianne Moore is so obviously trying to channel Piper Laurie into her performance; so much so it’s comedic and nothing more. Also, Chloë Grace Moretz is a great actress, but her take on the role Sissy Spacek made iconic, falls so flat that you don’t even care about her character-which is the biggest fail in this movie. The sympathetic circumstances surrounding Carrie’s life make the story what it is. Horrifying, tragic, and remorseful. We just don’t give a shit here. Hell, The Rage: Carrie 2 was 100 times better than this. Actually, I don’t have anything bad at all to say about that sequel. I rather enjoy it. As a matter of fact, go pick it up or stream it if you’ve never watched that. You’ll thank me later.

Well, that about sums it up as far as the good, the bad, and the real ugly horror remakes in my humble opinion. Let’s discuss down below your thoughts. Do you agree with my picks? Am I an asshole shitting on a movie you love? Eh, either way it’ll make for good conversation. Drop a comment below and let’s talk about our favorite, and not so favorite horror remakes!