Category Archives: Retro Reviews

Top That! Teen Witch: The Perfect 80s Film For Young Curious Witches

TOP THAT! TEEN WITCH: THE PERFECT FILM FOR YOUNG CURIOUS WITCHES

Teen Witch is one of those movies from my childhood that no matter what I’m doing or how many times I’ve seen it, if it’s on the TV-you best believe I’m throwing my hair in a halfway side ponytail, grabbing my crystals and watching the shit out of it.

Growing up, my inner-self bonded with this film not so because it was a cheesy tween/teen flick with a catchy witch premise, (and some even catchier tunes). But because I deeply resonated with the craft before I even fully understood it or knew what the hell I was even feeling. And even further, identified with the character Louise, played by actress Robyn Lively (older sister of Blake Lively) Understandably, I was a child and living in a very Roman-Catholic Italian household that I didn’t really connect spiritually with. Even worse, was my birth mother’s sudden devotion to strict Christianity after a long stay away at a rehab center. Of which, was not only very much pushed on me no matter how I felt about it, but that it was expected me to follow this suit. Long story short, I was a pretty large disappointment to her in that aspect. I always felt uncomfortable. Out of place. The black sheep concerning religion in my home. I loathed it and felt like an awkward cow every time I had to go to church, or even simply say a prayer at dinner.

Yes. I’m an out and proud Witch. And I can proudly claim that title as, like our sisters before us, have dealt with many painstaking trials and tribulations that truly tests your strength in the human existence; along with sharing knowledge and helping those along the way to those who legitimately seek it. It’s like a rite of passage for us and all apart of the journey. Up until a few years ago, I was living in the “Broom Closet” for fear of not only my very catholic family giving me all the grief-especially my father who expressed to me during my young teens when he found my Wiccan books hidden away in my room, lose his ever-loving mind on me and proceeded to trash my materials; forbidding them in his home. Of course, this had upset me to no end. And for it to happen AGAIN in my early twenties with an angry, and physically/mentally abusive ex with him burning everything related to the craft, it seemed I was being punished for trying to be myself; and nothing more.

Pretty shitty feeling.

Tragedy teen witch cellularpottsmodel GIF - Find on GIFER

Anyways, it wasn’t until I fully felt safe in my life to blossom into the person I am today- strong and unapologetically ME. Gotta say it’s a breath of fresh air whereas prior, felt like strangulation. And ultimately, that’s what Teen Witch is all about. BEING HAPPY BEING YOURSELF. No matter what anyone thinks or says. And with witchcraft, the Pagan way, and everything connected to it becoming such a hot trend these days, I feel like this film which I just adore, is perfect for those young curious girls looking to connect with a relatable character in the pop culture film sense.

Teen Witch may have turned out to be a MASSIVE flop theatrically (grossing a whopping $3,875 opening weekend), but that didn’t stop it from becoming a cult classic. Originally written as a follow-up to 1985’s Teen Wolf, I personally caught my first viewing of the film on the Disney channel’s prime time line-up. And it’s since become one of my favorite childhood pieces to vomit all the nostalgic fuzzies all over the place.

The story centers around Louise Miller, an underwhelming teenager with about as much self-esteem and fashion sense as well, the rest of us at that age. Unless you were a Randa- in which case GTFO. I kid, I kid. But seriously, we all felt awkward at some point in the game.

Poor Louise can’t seem to catch a break either from her walking calamity social status, her snotty as hell little brother Ritchie (played by Joshua John Miller-son of The Exorcist‘s Jason Miller), or the fact the dreamy Brad Powell doesn’t even know she’s alive. That is until after one particularly embarrassing day, she stumbles upon a psychic shop where she meets Madame Serena (Zelda Rubenstein) and Louise discovers her destiny-that she comes from a powerful bloodline of witches’, and her powers will come to her on her sixteenth birthday-which is coincidentally right around the corner. And sure enough, strange things begin to happen within the power of her words, granting her the ability to pretty much, have whatever she wants. And of course, being sixteen, what do we all want- to be popular!

And so it is…

The teen musical drama that many shrug off to the side as a campy 80s’ flick, truly is in many ways outlining a witch’s transition into one’s higher self. It most certainly can be in uniform with ascending into puberty-like in the film, and comes with many challenges of self-doubt, ego-trips, and heartache. As stated above, all witches face or will face persecution, whether emotionally tasking or physical, like our ancestors before us. And they are not pleasant. More softly, this is all relayed in the plot of Teen Witch, intentional or not, yes I admit I might be looking into it too deeply but bear with me.

The Power Is In The Word

This phrase is stated often in the film, and realistically from a true witch’s POV, there never has been a truer statement. Words hold so much power over us, that if we repeat them enough, negative or positive, they soon become our reality. The golden rule of “be careful what you say”, is one that should be held of the highest regard in the craft. Not to say you can wish someone into disappearance like Louise did with Randa’s creepy cousin, but if you keep telling yourself you’re beautiful often enough, you soon believe it; and the same goes for negative self-talk that sends you into a spiral of despair and ugliness. Words are the root of manifesting our lives, and if you believe what you speak, they hold a lot of power.

The Power of Your Soul Is Even Greater

Even when Louise thinks she finds happiness in her words, in her heart she of course isn’t and second-guesses everything. The man of her dreams, Brad has taken a serious interest in her. But is it because of her popularity spell? Or does he truly like her for who she is? Well, in true 80s’ “moral of the story” fashion being true to yourself is the most powerful spell of all. After Madame Serena reveals to Louise of her magikal heritage, she soon inherits an amulet that has been connected to her via past lifetimes and has found its way back to her. Serena states that the necklace is the source of power.

Image result for teen witch necklace

Now while tools and stones are often quite helpful in manifesting our thoughts and desires, they are not the source of the power- as that always and forever resides in you. Louise, without being told so but with an instinct in her own gut, came to this conclusion in her finest hour as well in that oh-so-happy and musical ending. Which leads me to the point, that being yourself and owning the shit out of it, is the greatest power you can possess.

Oh, and spoilers…

Brad still dug her.

Now if you can get past some of those sort of out of place, cringey dance scenes (I’m looking at you, We Like Boys) and embrace the internal message of the craft for a baby witch, then it’s a film that will be enjoyed well into your crone years. Speaking of musical numbers though and aside from everything else, as random as it is in the film, seeing Polly have her moment with her crush is one of the most goddamn satisfying things ever in a movie.

Nope. Can’t top that.

Buy the movie here!

Hear Me Out- “Short Circuit 2” Isn’t As Bad As You Think

Johnny Five Takes Manhattan!

Short Circuit 2 sure as shit might not be anyone’s favorite movie, and it’s definitely received a decent amount of hate as far as sequels go. But I’m here to set the record straight: It’s really not as bad as it’s made out to be.

I’ll admit to most people’s standards, you could consider my taste in films to be pretty awful. I was that kid who actually enjoyed terrible films like Garbage Pail Kids and Mac and Me. Are they badly made films? Yes, of course, they are. But I do find some sort of sick nostalgic joy in them every once in a while? Also, absolutely yes. There’s a sly charm inside “Black Sheep” films such as these that you won’t see elsewhere. A great example is the campy and comedic Howard the Duck as it was and still is, panned critically by a lot of cinephile snobs. But, honestly, how can you hate on a movie that showed us the first pair of duck tits ever on a theater screen?

Also, they were, indeed, the first pair of legit boobs I saw as a kid.

The sequel made two years after the original cult-classic Science-Comedy debuted to audiences didn’t seem to fare over well to the same group of people that embraced the now-named Johnny Five as their machine-wired counterpart to our human existence via the glorious 80s. Plenty of people talk a lot of shit about this sweet and sensitive robot turned vigilante scooting around New York City in the 80s- and I’ve had enough of it.

In fact, I’ll just let Johnny himself tell those people exactly what I think about their distaste for Short Circuit 2

Number Five, now dubbed Johnny Five as he so enthusiastically named himself at the end of the first film, now finds himself in New York helping Ben Jahveri (Fisher Stevens) and tag-along scumbag street-slinger “friend” Fred (Michael McKean) get Ben’s business going into mass production with mini Johnny Five robot toys for kids. Cute, right? Well of course in the middle of this old warehouse Fred had scrounged up as ground zero for the assembly line, is right in the way of a couple of diamond burglars’ plans to heist a very valuable set of jewels. And of course, we all know that our formidable heroes will have to face off against these scoundrels towards the end of the film so we have to throw in a bunch of zany subplots to fill the void until then. Such as:

  • Upon Johnny Five realizing he’s in a city, the once midwestern town robot immediately gets duped into ripping off car stereos by a Latin gang; and then make him an honorary member. “Los Locos kick your ass! Los Locos kick your face! Los Locos kick your balls into outer space!”
  • Ben falls in love with the girl who discovered his toys and got him a deal for a line and is too socially awkward to tell her how he feels. J5 to the rescue as he hijacks a Times Square billboard where he helps woo his friend’s love interest while teaching us some insults in Spanish.
  • Fred tries to sell J5 on the side of his Rolex watch hustle, and our pre-Wall-E robot falls out of a skyscraper via the fear of him being a corporate slave. Just like Batman, this guy has all the gadgets and is saved by his backpack wing glider, and we get a fantastic pre 9/11 view of the New York City skyline!
  • Johnny gets arrested on the street because the cop thinks he’s a man in a suit or someone playing a joke.
  • Ben and Fred get locked in a freezer by the jewel thieves and are rescued in the most ridiculous way possible: calling Ben’s love interest (Cynthia Gibb) and using ye’ old faithful touch tones keypads to play oldies pop songs that give her clues to their location. Oh, with the help of a very nice taxi driver- which is already bullshit fantasy because ain’t no taxi driver in Manhattan that friendly.

All those filler antics have their place in the film for some sort of progression I suppose, be it the hammer over our heads that Johnny Five has emotions like the rest of us, or that we goddamn better remember the exact tune to “Doo Wah Diddy” if ever I get locked in a fish freezer. But perhaps the best moments in this follow-up film that originally starred Alley Sheedy and Steve Guttenberg, is when J5 is cornered by the jewel thieves and beaten to a “battery fluid bloody pulp” in broad daylight on a public sidewalk.

Hey, just another day in New York in the 80s!

What a fucked up segment in a movie that was aimed more at kids this time around. But eh, that’s just the beauty of 80s movies’ trauma.

This is where you might get some sort of feels going, or just laugh your ass off depending on what kind of sick fuck you are, (personally a mix of both is totally acceptable). Left for dead, J5’s backup power kicks and miraculously gets up, rather painfully and makes his way down an alley where Fred finds his frenemy. Lucky for them, Johhny damn near collapses by a Radio Shack and as we all know, that place is the Johns Hopkins Hospital for robots. With a little aid from Fred, the former military robot rebuilds himself into Travis Bickle from TAXI DRIVER and goes on a revenge rampage to track down the men responsible.He is so pissed off, he ignores his low battery warnings and literally revenges himself to death. Well, close to it anyway because what kind of ending would that be for kids?

It’s a 80s flick aimed at kids, so it would be a proper ending if you asked me.

Let’s get one thing straight. This movie may suck to a lot of people. But for the rest of us, it’s a feel-good kind of suck that we want to revisit over and over again. As a kid, we all liked these movies, this one in particular, but as I grew older, the child in people just died and formed some sort of disdain for this film; like it was idiotic to like this movie or something. And honestly, the hell with those people.

Worth noting, however, is the “Brownface” donned by Fisher Stevens as an immigrant from India, whereas looking at it now is a tad cringe and unacceptable. At the very least, they made the guy a scientist and not some corner store worker. This isn’t a dig at Fisher Stephens by any means. From what I understand, he worked very hard at getting the accent down and he is a talented guy. However, to this very day, the only guy able to pull this off and get away with it is Robert Downey Jr in TROPIC THUNDER. Other than that, looking back at films like this and SOUL MAN (1986), it’s just a little uncomfortable, especially in today’s climate of change.

Aside from the unpolitically correct problem there in SHORT CIRCUIT 2, the film does a pretty decent job of sending a good message about not being accepted in America and the tribulations of those going through the system to become a citizen. It’s a little subtle for young eyes, but upon viewing it as an adult, the theme seems a little more apparent. And hell, we get to see our Johnny become the first robotic citizen!

As zany, whacky and ridiculous as most of the movie is, at the end of the day, it really isn’t that bad of a sequel. In fact, I actually PREFER it over the first! Yeah, I said it. I just wish they would have made a third one!

The Omen Legacy – A Review Of The Past and Present Horror It Invokes

Dark Powers Conspire

Religious horror hits a primal cord within us all. Even to unbelievers, there’s an unmistakable lure of curiosity that cannot be squelched by any amount of modern logic. Modernism, sincere as it may be, attempts to protect us from the arcane such as concepts locked away in frightful prophecies securely kept in musty and old esoteric libraries. Prophecies many today would prefer to leave hidden beneath a century of dust.

But can these mystifying forewarnings be sealed away forever and what dreadful truths may they reveal? The theological study of the End Times is known as eschatology and is a branch of research dedicated to deciphering the recorded warnings of cataclysmic events to come that’ll shatter reality and bring a final end to all we now know.

Denial, negligence, and good old tried-and-true blissful ignorance do precious little to expunge these dire foretellings that caused the ancients to quake upon their reading. Many people reduce them to nothing more than superstition and leave it at that. Thankfully for us all though religious horror takes such concepts and creates modern-day masterpieces to shock and sicken generations.

And so came a little movie called The Omen that rekindled the fires of Hell across the globe and audiences basked in its satanic glow. The film is subtle but brimming with evil intent as it focuses on the early beginnings of the scariest person found in New Testament literature – the Antichrist.

Christ’s satanic counterpart seemingly snuck into our world like a serpent beneath our noses and upset the establishment people were so comfortable with. Sure, Satan was no new concept in Hollywood. B-level films littered the Drive-In nearly every weekend and there’s nothing wrong with that. But people didn’t take such movies seriously. They were cheap popcorn thrillers. People watched them, screamed or jeered, and then went back home probably forgetting all about them. Satan slithered back into the shadows once the credits rolled and that was that.

The Omen on the other hand was a very different type of beast altogether. For one thing, as a project portraying the demonic, it was taken very seriously by the studio and placed into the hands of a competent filmmaker, Dick Donner, who decided to remove any overt satanic imagery. Donner’s approach was for the movie to look like a series of terrible tragedies. Imagine having the worst day of your life sort of deal.

As I stated earlier, it’s a subtle film but Darkness swells in every scene. From the moment the film opens and we follow Ambassador Thorn (brilliantly played by Gregory Peck) as he rushes to the hospital for the birth of his son to the final shot of the movie at a solemn graveside at the movie’s conclusion audiences were unexpectedly changed by something primal they had just watched.

One thing that made the movie work was the casting choices. Actors will either make or break a project and casting is vital. Originally, Charlton Heston, renowned for his portrayal of Moses in Ten Commandments and the titular role of Ben-Hur, Heston was a name that brought regality to a project. Donner wanted a serious actor for the lead role because he believed if audiences saw someone like Heston or Gregory Peck being scared on the screen it would unnerve them somehow. He was right.

Paradise Lost Satan In Council, Drawing By Gustave Dore by Gustave Dore

Unlike many hundreds of movies featuring the Devil, The Omen struck a chord and audiences were fundamentally changed thanks to it. Suddenly people were exiting movie theaters with thoughts of the End of Days possessing their thoughts like black magic. A single movie managed to do what the clergy spend a lifetime hoping to achieve – get people’s asses back in church!

What if the Antichrist was alive today but was just a little kid?

That question ignited a nightmare that became one of the most influential horror movies of the century. To the terror of many, The Omen was more than fiction but acted more as an accurate account of prophecies they saw as being fulfilled daily.

The film was the apex rising out of a perfect storm of bizarre circumstances.

For starters, Satanism became a nationally recognized religion and was accepted for its darker practices of the occult to the shock and horror of many Bible-believing Christians. For many, it was a sign of darker things to come because, for the most part, many didn’t understand the actual belief system installed by its founder Anton Lavey. Following more paranoia than facts, many religious people saw the Church of Satan as a headquarters for an invasion of Satanic entities. A portal to things that could not be sealed once opened by willing mortal hands.

Not only had Satan been given his own institution but the ‘God is dead’ movement had swelled to alarming numbers and wasn’t hard for people to accept considering how few people still attended church on a weekly basis.

Strange cults like the Manson Family were also on the rise. Cults whose members broke into homes and cut the unborn baby from its mother’s womb disgusted the nation, leaving many to wonder how such a thing could happen in a God-fearing country. Murderous cultists were just another piece in the End of Days puzzle and everyday people found it easy to believe that maybe, just maybe, some left hand of Darkness was pulling the strings.

Added to this were political scandals which led people to lose faith in their governments, adding one more fallen establishment to the fro. Not to mention the Vietnam War nearly drove the whole country entirely insane.

The church had failed and the occult was rapidly rising. The government had failed and in need of some new power to take the reigns.

The Omen was released at the perfect time during a period of unsettling turmoil and managed to terrify audiences. The film’s creators expertly merged biblical prophecies with current events, resulting in an unsettlingly perfect connection.

This created a new kind of biblical cinema that shook society to its core.

The golden era of biblical epics such as Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments or Ben-Hur was long gone. The King of Kings was now the whisper of a bygone age and motion pictures like The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby started a new wave of supernatural excitement proving Satan’s day was at hand.

The Omen was part of this new wave of spiritual horror. Its infernal genius lies in its boldness to crack open the Holy Scriptures and bring to life the darkest aspects therein revealed. The book of Revelation was a genuine inspiration behind the material.

The result is a remarkable achievement that speaks for itself.

Adding to the dark nature of the movie’s tone is the (sin)sational score composed by Jerry Goldsmith. Goldsmith admits the inspiration came to him while at Mass. The song Ave Maria was being sung and as the words flowed across him a black idea blanketed his thoughts. “What would it sound like if they were worshipping Satan instead?” he wondered. Thus one of the most haunting film scores of all time was brought to life. 

Goldsmith took the established concept of Mass, the sacraments, the holiest act of Mass, and offered it to Satan. Sanguis bibimus – ‘The blood we drink,’ Corpus edimus – ‘The body we eat.’ Any good Catholic will associate this with the Holy Act of Communion. But this is where the ritual goes dark, Tolle corpus Satani. Ave! ‘Raise the body of Satan. Hail!’ Brilliant and covert. The song becomes a litany of Satan worship and serves as the movie’s main theme securing Goldsmith the oscar that year.

It’s one of those things where you may not have known what was going on – or why you felt uncomfortable hearing it played – but your brain surely did. 

The Omen - Publicity still of Patrick Troughton

Not to mention the infamous priest’s death (impaled upon a church spike) was based on an actual event that happened nearby where the screenwriter lived. That and many strange accidents happening to the cast and crew both on and off set while the movie was being filmed led many to speculate the production was in fact cursed by the powers of Hell that did not want their wiles and ways to be made public knowledge. 

Overall The Omen is a mystery even to this day. I grew up in a very religious home where it was forbidden to watch which only intensified its awe and wonder in my mind. What could be so horrible about this movie that preachers so profusely condemned it from behind sweaty pulpits? The fundamentalists I grew up under acted as if a world of the Satanic would be torn open upon a single viewing.

Naturally, it was on my must-see list of movies along with The Last Temptation of Christ. The movie is respectful to the biblical source material it borrows from though and, well frankly, is just a very damn good movie to watch. It has a regal class seldom spoken of. People love to talk about elevated horror as if it’s a brand new thing but I’d argue it’s a sophisticated branch of the genre that’s been with us for years. Movies like this prove it.

The Omen proved to be a box office success and became one of the most influential horror movies of all time. Its financial success allowed Fox Studios to funnel in a little more money into a little-known science fiction project being made at the time called Star Wars. I love that by the way. Damien might’ve helped save Star Wars!

It also inspired one of the most groundbreaking heavy metal records of all time, Iron Maiden’s Number of the Beast! Bruce Dickenson (lead singer) says he saw the movie and then had one of the most vivid nightmares of his life later that night. That’s pretty fucking metal.

Final Thoughts – The New Prequel

I’ll admit I mocked the idea of a prequel to The Omen. I felt it would be just another nostalgic cash grab that would suck like most others do. Then the rumors started settling in and people were praising this movie, The First Omen. Naturally curious I had to check it out for myself despite saying I’d never give it my attention. I think I said something like I’d rather tickle my dick with a cactus than go see it.

Well, I went to watch it.

You need to understand I’m not a big fan of any of The Omen sequels. So why the fuck would I care to see a prequel? Let alone sing its demonic praise unless it genuinely deserved it? So what did I think?

I unexpectedly enjoyed this movie, despite my initial skepticism.

The First Omen is a welcomed addition to the lore and adds a few new insights into the darker conspiracies behind the original movie. As far as prequels go I have to admit it’s one of the best I’ve seen. I mean I had to come home and immediately watch the original classic right away. The two line up masterfully.

So to all my friends who endured weeks of me bitching about this movie here I am humbly eating a big fat mouthful of crow. I was wrong, y’all.

So is this the start of a new franchise? Like with this movie’s success will they skip ahead and do a new retelling of Damien’s adult life as the Antichrist? I would say ‘Please God just stop!’ but I was proven wrong by a prequel so who knows? If done right and done well I’ll be in line to see it.

So if you like sophisticated horror and religious thrillers The Omen is a great watch. If you’ve not seen it yet there’s no better time than now. Make an event of it and go watch The First Omen before you do.

Manic out!