That Moment in WWE Wrestling History That Scared Every Kid Watching

Image February 3, 2018 Patti PaulterGeist Leave a comment

I don’t care if you were the toughest 11-year-old on the block. When this moment came out of nowhere during the Saturday morning program Superstars of Wrestling, you were shook. And possibly pissing your pants if you were really upset.

I miss the good ole days of Wrestling when McMahon gave no fucks about making a kid cry.

The bite heard around the world back on November 23rd, 1991 all started back with the infamous Career Ending Match between Randy Savage and the Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania 7- in which The Madness lost to the Warrior after a grueling back and forth that I considered, the REAL main event of the evening. While a dazed Savage attempted to gather his bearings after his defeat, his manager at the time ~~Scary~~, I mean the Sensational Queen Sherri took her frustrations out on Randy by mercifully kicking the man while he’s down (literally). Unbeknownst to anyone other than the announcers, Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan who spotted her before the start of the match, the lovely Elizabeth who had stayed by Savage’s side for years before a fallout, looked on in horror as she watched Savage be absolutely humiliated. That is until, she hopped the railings, into the ring, grabbed Sherri by the hair, and flung her ass out like a piece of hot trash. Thus reuniting the infamous duo, leading them into the first-ever WWF Pay Per View wedding appropriately called, the Match Made in Heaven to be aired during Summerslam ’91. Well, it was adorable and all, but the real action happened during the reception…

Randy and Elizabeth opening gifts from guests looking all super happy and whatnot turns into terror as Elizabeth opens a gift containing a snake that pops up like a twisted jack-in-box. Then out of nowhere, both Jake the Snake and The Undertaker run in with a surprise beat down for the Groom. Which totally confused me at the time because there was NO REASON for any of this to even happen, on top of the fact Jake was one of the most popular wrestlers in the ~~WWF~~, goddamnit, WWE up until the incident. It’s like Jake woke up that day deciding to turn heel and he was going to be the biggest prick possible. I mean, seriously, anyone wanting to hurt or even frighten Miss Elizabeth was automatically the biggest piece of shit on the face of the Earth.

Like, seriously how dare you Jake.

via palooza.com

Anyway, with Savage being barred from wrestling via the Career Ending Match, he couldn’t get his hands on Roberts for revenge. However, Jake continued to taunt the man for months even dropping Elizabeth’s name in promos to further infuriate him. Well, during one fine Saturday morning during Superstars of Wrestling, it all came to a head and The Mad One couldn’t take the assault on his manhood anymore. After Jake pinned some no-namer, he grabbed a microphone and addressed Savage, who was doing commentary; calling him a “gutless, yellow, stinkin’ coward who hides behind the skirt of a woman.”

Oh yeah. That really pissed him off. Savage ran towards the ring despite pleas from his comrade and fellow commentators Vince McMahon and Roddy Piper, got distracted by a ref which in turn gave Jake the upper hand, tied Savage to some ropes, and commenced to have every child watching under the age of 12 shit their pants for the next eight minutes.

Correct me if I’m wrong here, but I don’t recall anything before or after this looking and feeling so terrifying for anyone watching. Just another reason why Savage will forever remain a legend in the world of wrestling. Aside from the show, reports state he was super excited to get bit by that King Cobra. What a fuckin’ beast.

Saturday Morning Cartoons

Remembering Beetlejuice: The Animated Series

Image February 3, 2018 Patti PaulterGeist 1 Comment

Let’s rewind our minds back a few years and remember what being a kid was like on a gorgeous Saturday morning.

Unlike my peers, I personally was always up at a decent hour (around 7:30 a.m.). After crawling out of my Ninja Turtle sheets, I would make my way to the dimly lit kitchen and help myself to a bowl of cereal and whatever readily available juice box (preferably Hawaiian Punch or Ecto Cooler) my fridge held that morning. All placed accordingly on my TMNT (1990) movie tray in front of our mammoth of a television set. I was ready to seize the glorious Saturday with the start of some of the greatest goddamn must-see-TV. And one of many of those amazing Saturday morning animated gems was, of course, Beetlejuice: The Animated Series.

One year after Tim Burton congo-danced the ghost with the most across the big screen, the imaginative filmmaker developed a more kid-friendly version (sorry, no crotch grabbing anywhere here) based on the daily lives of the bio-exorcist and his earth pal, Lydia Deetz.

Mostly set in Beetle’s home The Netherworld, the series ran around some silly adventure or problem week after week involving the duo. From roaming skeletons in the closet ruining someone’s day with the hard truth or Beetlejuice’s entire skeletal system abandoning him in favor of a vacation, the show was a perfect Saturday morning mash-up of wackiness and just a hint of horror.

Lydia’s parents Charles and the eccentric Delia return in animated form as naive supporting characters that never seem to notice their daughter spends most of her free time in another dimension. Then again, in the film, she seemed to be mostly ignored from her self-absorbed parental units until the shit hit the fan- so the relationship stays a tad faithful in that aspect. The void felt by the absence of Barbara and Adam was filled with new characters. Beetle’s neighbors in the Netherworld furthered BJ’s awesome sense of sarcasm with most of them being both clumsy and easy to poke fun at. In which case, ole BJ took advantage of on a constant basis and was the source for a lot of the humor in the series. Jacques, Ginger, The Monster Across the Street, Poopsie, the Mayor, and on Earth, the snooty Claire Brewster, were often the victims of Beetlejuice’s embarrassing pranks. Even Lyds wasn’t immune to Beetle’s reign of practical jokes as the bio-exorcist’s only friend was even the butt-of-the-joke at times. However, unlike Claire and the Netherworld residents, BJ’s pranks on the teenage Deetz were never meant to cause damaging feelings or humility, but rather all in fun. Which asserts the relationship between Lydia and Beetlejuice in the series. Unlike in the film, the pair was as close as friends could get and the unlikely duo’s friendship remained a constant crucial part of the show throughout the series’ short three-season span.

What I wouldn’t give for a revival of this beautiful program. Hey if Spiderman and Teen Titans can be rebooted several times, why not give Beetlejuice a shot at the 21st century?

Editorials

The Dick Debate: “Labyrinth” Edition

Image February 1, 2018 Dev Crowley 3 Comments

Everyone has a movie that no matter how many times they see it, they can watch it 100 more times and it still won’t get old. And not only that, but they can put on a one (wo)man show for you and quote every single line and annoy the fuck out of you while you’re trying to watch it. That movie, for me, is the 1987 classic Labyrinth. That movie, along with the codpiece controversy, will forever be a part of me.

For those of you who don’t know the movie, and who the hell doesn’t know the movie, it follows Sarah, a 16-ish-year-old girl that hates her life and her step-mother and her half-brother. She’s a teenager and everything sucks…obv. So, one night while babysitting Baby Waldo’s understudy, she tells the story of a Goblin King that fell in love with a girl way too young for him and granted her wish of taking the baby away. To her surprise it’s true and Toby, the baby, is stolen away by Jareth, the sexiest Goblin King in the land, played by the incomparable David Bowie.

I saw this movie when I was four and fell in love with David Bowie as much as any toddler could. Here I am in my thirties and that never changed. This movie for me like with many women my age began a lifelong crush on the famously androgynous and out of this worldly talented man known as Ziggy Stardust and The Thin White Duke.

I can’t tell you how many times I wished I was Sarah in that ballroom in the dress with the MASSIVE sleeves.

But with this movie lies a nagging question that haunts viewers to this very day…was David Bowie actually wearing a codpiece? Could we analyze the blatant sexuality references, the fact that a grown ass man was in love with a teenage girl or the fact that the creatures who took their heads off are the things of pure nightmares? Yeah, we could, but why would we when there are more pressing issues.

I present to you exhibit A.

Now, I don’t mind searching David Bowie’s junk on the internet, may he rest in peace, but I have something to say…that’s NOT a codpiece. THIS is a codpiece.

That’s ridiculous and I think we can all agree that’s not what Bowie is dealing with. The costume designers purposely made his pants REALLY tight because he was supposed to be alluring and desirable like a rock star but maybe something was there to smooth things out a bit; the penile equivalent of nipple covers, but that’s it. Let’s put the debate to rest right here. That’s all Bowie. If you love Labyrinth facts, check out this little slice from Buzzfeed.

And I debated writing this since we lost Bowie in 2016, but I can promise, there are fewer bigger fans than I. I have the utmost respect for the man, his movies, and his music. But as a young girl in the 80’s and 90’s, that bulge was just as much a part of my growing up as Saved By the Bell and Backstreet Boys.

And here, have a little dance while you’re here and sleep peacefully knowing we have settled the dick debate here and now…probably.