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Ho-Ho HorrorDays! Ten of the Best Christmas Horror Movie Kills!

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Today we’re going back to the gritty basics here on NN and diving deep down the grimy chimney into the seventh layer of Santa Claus Hell with some of my favorite kill scenes in the Christmas Horror genre.

A horror movie’s kill count and quality can be the deciding factor to some moviegoers in the arena of whether the film is considered memorable or not. Personally, this sort of thing doesn’t phase me but to others, it’s a damn big deal so I’ve put together here a list of some pretty fucked up but awesome death scenes in the Christmas horror category of the genre for nothing other than our pure entertainment.

Now, On Slasher, on Necromancer! On Basher and Vex-in! Cheesy, I know but I couldn’t help myself.

10. Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker- Death by Toy Worm

I have a weird and unrelenting love for Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker starring America’s favorite Golden Age loveable actor, Mickey Rooney. So I’m including it purely out of my own bias, and well because it doesn’t get any love whatsoever on Christmas Horror lists. And mother fucker, I’m a rebel.

Harold the landlord chokes down on this toy slug as he’s driving while this wild worm toy comes to life in his car and basically hollows out his skull, resulting in obviously his death followed by a fiery crash. What a way to go out.

9. Jack Frost- Snowman Rape

Beyond the pure joy we had as kids switching this hysterical horror gem out with Michael Keaton’s family-friendly film Jack Frost at our local video stores, this cult status holiday wtf-fest was, and still is a must-see for any horror fan.

In said scene, an inconspicuous carrot appears in the tub with Liz, followed by a mound of snow forming into that of Jack Frost. He grabs Liz, slams her around a bit while forcefully banging (ahem) her against the bathroom wall, ultimately dropping her naked body on the cold tile for her to die out. That is forever some wild shit to put on screen.

8. Krampus- Kid Eaten By Jack-In-The-Box

I always gotta give credit when a horror movie has the balls to kill a kid. 2015’s Krampus did this very thing with no apologies for it.

Jordan was a bit of a dick, but as a parent, I almost feel bad for the kid, as really no one deserves to be chomped up and eaten by a giant Der Jack-in-the-Box with teeth that can only rival that of Reverend Henry Kane. Not much to say other than it’s fucked up and brutal, folks.

7. Christmas Evil- Death by Toy Soldier

An underrated Christmas gem of chaos goes to Christmas Evil, and this toy soldier right in the eye, courtesy of our psychopath Santa of the moment, Harry Stadling. Harry here has a lot in common with the more well-known Santa suit donning maniac, Billy Silent Night, Deadly Night, as both are triggered into a homicidal rampage on Christmas, and check it, both work with toys. However, Harry actually WANTS to be Santa and will go as far as sticking toys in eyeballs to ensure that everyone takes his stance seriously, followed by an ax to the dome.

6. Gremlins- Mrs. Deagle Gets Yeeted

Very few deaths in horror movies were ever so satisfying as that of Mrs. Deagle getting yeeted from her electric staircase chair, right onto the street courtesy of the Gremsters. She threatened a dog-she had this coming. And her 100 cats didn’t deserve her.

5. Inside- Fetal Extraction

A newer film often unmentioned but worth a watch, if you can stomach it, is Inside. If it’s more than 10 years old, you’ll not likely hear a peep from said film on this blog, but here’s a rare exception. I’m not even gonna tell you what it’s about, but it takes place on Christmas Eve and involves a pregnant widow. And well, I guess this is a massive spoiler here but this scene in question is about as brutal as it gets and I can’t NOT give it a nod.

Inside isn’t available on Amazon but you can it for free on VUDU!

4. Silent Night- Wood Chipper

A somewhat retelling of Silent Night. Deadly Night (we already had one of those with Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 thanks) 2012 brought us Silent Night and this infamous scene where if you haven’t seen the film, you at least have heard about it.

The Coen Brothers’ FARGO doesn’t hold a candle to this death-by-wood-chipper scene where our manic Santa feeds a porn star into the hungry machine legs first. I mean, porn stars are supposed to give woodys right? Maybe they were just taking it very literally here. I’m just full of bad Dad jokes today.

3. Elves- Santa’s “Sack“

This 1989 hot mess of a Christmas cult classic is just that- and I’m fucking here for it.

Listen, this 2-foot homicidal Goblin Elf stabbing this Mall Santa in his junk had me laughing for hours upon the first watch- and I never forgot it. This roller coaster of a goofy film that includes shameless nudity, an F-Bomb every 10 seconds, and a Nazi plot (yes nazis) along with Dan Haggarty, isn’t for everyone. But at the very least, it’s good for a laugh- with this scene in particular being the film’s Mona Lisa moment.

One of you lucky elves can snatch this DVD from a seller on ETSY for a great price since the movie is hard to come by on streaming sites.

2. Silent Night, Deadly Night

Hanging Linnea from the antlers with care, with psycho Billy Santa screaming “PUNISH” everywhere.

Silent Night, Deadly Night is known throughout the horror community for a lot of things other than just another Christmas horror flick. From all the nostalgic items seen throughout Ira’s Toys to being banned from theaters thanks to a bunch of angry moms protesting the movie outside local cinemas. But, perhaps the most memorable thing is our dear horror queen Linnea Quigley being strung up like a demented Christmas trophy kill. Goddess bless that woman.

1. Black Christmas- Plastic Bag Death

Here we are- the ultimate fucked up Christmas horror death and perhaps the most infamous- the plastic bag suffocation of Clarein 1974’s Black Christmas.

As if having your head swaddled around by Saran Wrap disabling your breath and draining your life force isn’t terrifying enough, the fact she was never found makes this even more horrific. The sheer irony that the movie is integrally “wrapped” around Clare’s death shoots this to number one for me because damn that’s just brilliant. That final shot of Black Christmas sticks with you for a long time. Note: if we can just make a holiday horror yule log out of that shot alone, taunting us from the window as we stare at the ‘Pi Kappa Sigma’ sorority house from the street, that would be the Christmas gift we all need this year, thanks.

Editorials, Horror Nostalgia

35 Years of Trauma: How Stephen King’s “IT” Miniseries Gave an Entire Generation Coulrophobia

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The year is 1990. NASA had launched the Hubble Space Telescope, the Undertaker made his national debut at the WWF Survivor Series, and one of Stephen King’s greatest (and most controversial) novels was adapted into a visual nightmare that premiered as a two-part miniseries on ABC on November 18th, 1990. And to put it mildly, kids of the ’90s were never the same after seeing Pennywise on their large, boxy floor television set.

I remember quite vividly as a kid, being hyped up for this television horror event, and while my peers were entangled with the brand-new series Beverly Hills, 90210, all I could think about was this upcoming Stephen King movie about a killer clown. Mind you before you come at me, at this age, I had yet to read the book nor know anything about the story other than what I had seen via TV previews, as afterword I was to discover that Pennywise was more than a clown, and as a young horror nerd, I liked what I saw. So my eyeballs were ready, and after the first night of Part 1, I was both traumatized by a clown with a million teeth and my prepubescent body was enchanted by a young Jonathon Brandis. It was quite a new experience for a movie to both disturb me and set my loins aflame. Rather impressive, actually.

Outta my way, Bev. My heart burns there too.

My pre-teen admiration aside, STEPHEN KING’S “IT”, at the same time set the world on fire and brought about a resurgence in Coulrophobia (fear of clowns) in both young and old; however, for kids my age it begat a fear we never thought we may have, or much thought about and because of Tim Curry’s masterful performance, it ignited a long-standing match against anyone with a painted face of nightmares. I mean, let’s talk turkey since it’s November:  I don’t know if it’s the makeup hiding their real faces; if it’s the sense of enforced fun, this idea that you’ve got to be laughing; or maybe it’s just that we don’t like anything that tricks us repeatedly, and makes us keep coming back for more. Clowns are fools who enjoy making others look foolish, after all. Nothing more distrustful and downright disrespectful than that. It’s as if this fear was hidden in our subconscious and awakened by Stephen King himself. So if clowns didn’t bother you before the premiere of 1990’s IT, they most likely had some sort of uneasy impact on you. Those are just facts.

And if you read the book after watching the miniseries, as many of us did, that didn’t help the cause much.

As long as the miniseries was, clocking in a total of 3 hours and 12 minutes, the experience of watching it seemed like an eternity, but in the best of ways, as Pennywise torments the Losers’ Club through his favorite clown apparition, a werewolf, a sewer-dwelling slime monster, and shape-shifting into seemingly normal inhabitants of Derry. Even IT’s final boss image of what is closest to his true self, a giant spider, with those awful effects that were almost unforgivable even in 1990, all that was merely background noise to Curry’s Pennywise the Dancing Clown and to this day if I were to ask you to paint me a picture of a scary clown, chances are you’re going to show me a picture of Pennywise.

The miniseries itself wasn’t a massive hit at first, but at the time, after the television airing, it was a whisper between kids at the playground that in turn fed into curiosity and ultimately a discovery of one hell of a new fear of clowns. The IT miniseries, among many of Stephen King’s works of the 90s, being adapted into television events like THE STAND, THE LANGOLIERS, and THE SHINING, outclassed them all regarding cult horror classics and mainstay power, and that is largely due to Tim Curry’s Pennywise performance at the end of the day with becoming a larger than life icon in the horror genre. So much so that when the remake was announced back in 2016, the million-dollar question was, “Who exactly has the balls to fill Tim Curry’s clown shoes as Pennywise”? It was Curry’s role and both charming and utterly terrifying rendition that gave an entire generation of kids nightmares and a lifelong fear of clowns. Curry’s ability to articulate the absolute joy in scaring the crap out of the children; children (the Losers’ Club) whom many of us could relate with in one way or another, is to this day unmatched. No matter how much budget you out into a movie, and I’m in no way knocking Skargard’s rendition of IT, but you can’t deny Curry’s study of this otherworldly monster and the impact he had on an entire generation and beyond. He was perfect.

Be proud of that, Tim. Fuck those kids.

Stephen King himself acknowledged, “his novel ‘IT’ probably contributed to your lifelong fear of clowns”, via the Los Angeles Times, and follows it up with, in so many words, “calm your tits, folks”. Real easy coming from a guy who also wrote in an extremely graphic child orgy into said novel. I think it’s safe to assume not a lot of things bother that man. And the resurgence of clown scares before the release of IT (2017), only validate that the character of Pennywise itself, harbors a tremendous influential power over our own psyche. That, in itself, is terrifying enough. To boot, we all know to steer clear of storm drains. Just another added phobia of sewers that at least half of 90s kids have.

Thanks, Stephen King. No, I don’t want it.

Editorials

Rocky IV at 40: The GOAT of the Franchise Still Delivers Powerful Messages Relevant Today

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I don’t exactly remember the first time I experienced Rocky IV in my youth, or any film in the franchise for that matter. What I do know is that the entire series was a normalized staple in the VCR rotation in my VERY ITALIAN household, and for all I know, with my family, I was probably born during Rocky III‘s Eye of the Tiger montage playing in the background- I mean, that would be a pretty sweet way to enter this world. What I do remember, however, is how this movie made me feel watching it not only as a kid, but as a grown adult as well who has faced underdog challenges throughout my forty-something odd years on this planet. And hey, who hasn’t gone through some type of their own personal hell these days, eh?

Up until my later teenage years when you know, I could get a job, buy things on my own and all that wonderful jazz, the only copy I had had of Rocky IV was on a recorded VHS that held three films in this order: Back to the Future, Rocky IV, and A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge; of which we dubbed “the Glorious 1985 Film Saga”. Even better was knowing these films were taped over some sort of aerobics rock exercise videos that would glitch in between each movie, which gave that Scotch homemade VHS some real 80s’ feel-goodness. It was pretty sweet.

Anyways, before I ramble on too much and get off-topic about my weird fetish for VHS recordings, let’s steer into the magnificent yesterworld of Vince DiCola /John Cafferty montages , a rare bearded-Sly, and slave robots.

Oh, and this really phenomenal James Brown number that is about as American as it gets that basically tell the Russian guests to lick their assholes. ‘MURICA.

The Rocky franchise is one of the very few series of films that holds a consistent theme of love and triumph that holds the attention of a variety of audiences, not specifying gender, age, or sexuality, as all can easily relate to feeling like an underdog in all areas of life. However, Rocky IV keeps these themes WHILE adding another life lesson: CHANGE.

1985 begat a very tense period of years between America and the Soviet Union, and Sly had no bones about making his own statement using his beloved character Balboa and his feelings on the situation. The film is riddled with symbolism, metaphors, and well, yes, montages, but hey, those testosterone-filled songs help drive those points home. Take an example, the exhibition match between Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago that starts this whole damn mess. Creed represents the stubborn nature and sometimes ignorantly arrogant nature of America while Drago shadows the very cold and uncertain ways about the Soviet Union. The two are destined to clash, and so they do. With America coming out like a puffer fish so very sure of itself, only to get pummeled, as you should never underestimate what your opponent could and will do to you. The boxing in these films no longer serves as a metaphor for “going the distance”. The athletic aspect in the film now rears into the horrifying world of a war between two powerhouse nations.

Drago is younger, stronger, and the most intimidating opponent Rocky has faced yet. To beat him, Rocky is gonna have to change his approach. He has to work harder. Train harder. Give it every goddamn thing he has if he is to literally come out of this mess alive. The Soviet Union was formed in 1922, and while this film is set 63 years later, in territorial terms, that is fairly young. So what does the Rock do? He sends himself into the lion’s den (the heart of Moscow) to train in the most barbaric and simplistic of ways possible. All while growing a most excellent machismo man beard scruff. Facing harsh criticism, unwelcoming neighbors and being babysat by Russian nationals all along the way, Rocky devotes every second of the day and night to strengthening not only his physique, but his mind as well to focus on one thing and one thing only-sheer victory.

Regarding the final fight, the imminent theme of change begins as our American hero is booed all the way to the ring. The entrance is dark, dank, and smells of uncertainty. Whereas Drago’s entrance tells the same tale only with a favorable crowd and a WAY more sinister feeling, we will definitely attribute Dicola’s Drago Suite to the anxiety in the room as we prepare for war.

As the fight progresses and the pair of soldiers are beating the ever-loving shit out of each other, the change begins. As Rocky, our series underdog, keeps taking the licks and getting back up, the communist crowd begins to favor the Italian Stallion and his perseverance. This of course, doesn’t sit well with the Russian officials overseeing the fight, and one of Drago’s main drug-dealers, erm, I mean overseers runs down to the ring to give him a good what-for. Drago ain’t having this shit and basically tells him to fuck off while throwing his little ass to the ground. Throughout the film, Drago is seen sort of like an object. A Russian robot slave with no authority over himself. This is the turning of the tides in the film where he is no longer fighting for anyone but himself. However, too little too late as Rocky has the upper hand with his unforgettable determination and gives him a good knock to the jaw, putting him out for good.

And then… the speech. The speech of change. A speech just as relevant now as it was then and will forever be so in this insane world that we live in, under constant threat, it seems, and not just from outside forces, but within ourselves in our own backyard, since the political climate has become so divided- I can say calling us the “United States” right now is laughable.

If we can band together to come to a consensus, regardless of our background, beliefs, we can live peacefully and without regret. The powers at be want anything BUT that, and by keeping us at each other’s throats with nonsense accusations, hateful speech, and unwilling discourse, they have us right where they want us. We must change. Listen to each other and take a lesson from Rocky before we become our own demise. There’s no easy way out, and there’s no shortcut home- but we can certainly try to get back to being civil to one another.

ROCKY IV (The Director’s Cut) is being re-released in theaters for its 40th anniversary, and of course, I would highly recommend seeing it on the big screen! Check your local showtimes on FANDANGO here.