I was never much of a fairy tale kind of kid, but Snow White is a story that I hold very dear to my heart. It’s dark, gritty, and relatable to me in such a way because I really had an Evil Queen as a mother. Sometimes step-parents can be a Godsend, while our real birth-givers are toxic entities in our lives, and it’s even worse when you’re a child if not traumatic altogether. My real mother is a narcissistic bipolar who was jealous of her own daughter growing up (why? I’ll never get that), which made my life growing up with her until she split pretty much a living hell. Without going into too much detail, I was treated rather poorly and my way of coping was escapism through a lot of horror films. And then there was this movie I ended up watching over a hundred times in my youth because it was not only, what I thought, was the best version of the Gothic fairy tale, but it had elements of horror sprinkled in there that were done rather well. Before Snow White: A Tale Of Terrorcame around anyway exactly 10 years after the fact.
Dating all the way back to 1916, The Brothers’ Grimm tale of envy and horror has been adapted cinematically over and over again in the past 100 years of film. It may be one of the most tried and true stories to be reinvented every few years or so for audiences, via animation or live-action. While some details differ from each revamping of the 1812 German fairy tale, the central plot remains the same not giving too much room for suspense. However, in the 80s’, Cannon Movie Tales’ version of the fair maiden and her seven little friends came in swinging as the most faithful adaptation of the original story to date; and definitely lives up to the Gothic nature that really is The Brothers’ Grimm as some of it is goddamn visually terrifying.
I mean, the magic mirror is straight-up made of nightmares, y’all.
Albeit the Evil Queen’s fate in the original story, Cannon’s Snow White gets most of the gritty details from the original right, even down to the apple core dislodging from her throat in transport. The movie stars Nicola Stapleton/Sarah Peterson as Snow White, Billy Barty from Willow and Legend fame, and Diana Rigg as the evil Queen who stole the whole show, and also induced a ton of nightmares as she did her job rather well. The rage and tone that comes off from this woman in the film is one for the books and, to this day, unmatched by any Evil Queen’s performance in the myriad of actresses that have donned the wicked crown.
In total, the Queen attempted murder on SW four times. Once as a child in the woods with the huntsman, where she is offered mercy by the hunter and flees off into the forest, coming upon the dwarves’ cottage. Years later when the Queen finds out Snow is still alive, she then uses her master of disguise tactics to cosplay not once, but 3 different times as a Gyspy woman, a Geisha, and finally an old woman to fool the princess by offering her poison combs, too-tight lace, and a delightful deadly apple-which obviously is one that finally did her in. I have to say however, it’s such an insult to women everywhere that any woman would be that stupid to fall for these tricks multiple times, but then again, we would have a bit of a boring story had she used her noodle a bit.
Anyways, once the traveling Prince happens upon Snow just hanging out dead in the woods, he whisks her away to a castle in the middle of a blistering snowstorm. The entourage carrying her has a bit of an accident, causing SW to spill out of the carriage in her glass coffin, and the force of the fall urges her to cough up the poisoned bit of the apple, awakening her and allowing the pair to live happily ever after.
Well, almost. Just like in the book, the Evil Queen finds out about this wedding and freaks out when her trusty mirror tells her that the Prince’s bride-to-be, is way more beautiful than she. She throws a temper tantrum, breaking the mirror which turns out to be the true source of her magic, beauty, and youth. She quickly begins to tatter and age but not before she can make it to this castle to look upon this fair maiden before she dies. Low, and behold, it’s of course, Snow White. She turns from the alter to walk away but her face shatters into a million pieces before she can make it out of the vicinity.
As a kid, this was absolutely terrifying. As an adult, that’s karma bitch.
Cannon’s Snow White is not easy to come by these days but Amazon does have the DVD for sale at a decent price. If anything, skip the few cheesy musical numbers that made their way into this movie, but watch it for Diana Rigg and her downright crazy-good performance along with some visually terrifying imagery that you won’t soon forget.
The Summer of 1992 was memorable for at the time, this ten-year-old kid. The Summer of blockbusters including those of Batman Returns and Aladdin were fun movie-going memories among a very disappointing release of Alien 3 that just totally sucked in the eyes of this fifth-grade graduate. Beyond a handful of movies catered to someone like me releasing for the summer crowds and the introduction to a little arcade number at the game way alleys entitled Mortal Kombat, little was grabbing my attention for this soon-to-be middle schooler who was just entering into her seriously awkward phase of existence-one of which over 30 years later is still struggling to come out of. That is until one fateful day in early August of 1992.
After a round of horror movie rentals at my local Action Video, my pops and I ran into the next-door Osco Drugs to grab some soda and snacks. On every trip there, I would obviously make my way to the toy and magazine section when I came across something eye-popping. A book that stood out from the rest nestled in between some Judy Blume bullshit and something else I can’t even recall. The cover was unlike anything I had ever seen: a drippy slime-like title with tiny raised bumps etched within compared to that of a brail-like quality with a colorful yet dark and eerie picture of a haunted house on the cover splashed with a Blob purplish-pink background, (done by Tim Jacobus who has illustrated over 100 Goosebumps covers for Stine). “Welcome To Dead House” was the first entry of these books to eventually come home with me and so began the Summer of Goosebumps with many thereafter for millions of kids just like me.
I had also become completely obsessed with collecting every single book upon release and let me tell you something: Middle School Scholastic Book Fairs became even more glorious with the addition of Goosebumps and posters my friends.
1995 Scholastic Book Fair Poster
For 30 years, R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps has become a nostalgic phenomenon that has carried over to the next generation of young readers. With the addition of the 90s TV series, various Goosebumps-related literary works, and two blockbuster films, Goosebumps has become a right of passage for those seeking a gateway into the horror genre while being encouraged to read. The original book series which debuted in July of 1992, consisted of 62 original titles that were written between 1992 and 1997. Worth noting that Goosebumps was listed 15th in the list of most frequently challenged books during the 90s’ and 94th in the list of top banned/challenged books during 2000–2009. When the pearl-clutching tightwads of the American Library Association claim your books to be “too frightening for young people and depicting occult or demonic themes,” I’d say you’re doing something right.
As for my personal favorites? Well, I ruminated tirelessly over what I consider my personal top 10 books of the original series, and here are the ones that brought me, and so many others, the most joy during those awkward adolescent years (and still continue to do so).
*Some of the blurbs are a bit spoiler-y. Just a heads up.
We just couldn’t get enough Slappy the first go-around so Stine wrote a sequel, and eventually a third, making a trilogy out of the wise-crackin’ ventriloquist dummy. Slappy invades a new family and his shenanigans begin immediately as his new “slave” Amy finds those magic words tucked away in his pocket and of course, being a kid reads them out loud not knowing she’s unleashing hell on herself and everyone surrounding her, bringing Slappy to life.
It reads just as good as the first with that Twilight Zone vibe all the way through, and hey because it’s Slappy, he gets on this list twice.
Halloween and Goosebumps go together like peanut butter and jelly every time and “Attack of the Jack O Lanterns” is right up there with one of the greatest twist endings in a Goosebumps book. It involves two scary pumpkin-headed beings forcing kids to trick-or-treat forever and honestly, I don’t see any issue with that personally.
Being a huge fan while being simultaneously scared shitless of JAWS as a kid, it seemed like only a matter of time before Stine put out a book with a cover mocking this treasure. I’ll forgive the fact it’s sort of misleading as the Hammerhead pictured on the front isn’t the star of the story- as the tale resembles more like the movie Splash! rather than JAWS. However, it’s still a fun, and adventurous read especially curled up on the beach listening to the waves crash onto the shore.
Werewolves have been always been my favorite kind of mythological creature and when this book came out, I must have read it 10 times in one year alone. Also, unlike “Deep Trouble”, the cover isn’t deceiving us as this story is actually about a goddamn werewolf in a swamp.
Worth noting that one of the main characters’ name is Grady. Perhaps a play on Stephen King’s Silver Bullet Tarkers Mills’ local smartass, Brady? Probably not, but I like to think that way. Anyway, a story about friendship, loyalty, and werewolves makes any top ten list of Goosebumps books any day of the week.
Another fantastic entry with another favorite cover of mine. “The Scarecrow Walks At Midnight” is one of the Goosebumps books that would make a really great, and terrifying horror film if done right. Scarecrows coming to life via spells from a book? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP. The ambiance of the book really sets the mood of a scary story with a farm in the boonies. But also, chocolate pancakes and Gameboy. If you know you know.
“Say Cheese and Die!” is not only one of the coolest stories in the original series but also has one of the raddest illustrations for any Goosebumps book… PERIOD. Reading like a tale told by Rod Serling himself, Stine channeled his inner Twilight Zone lord on this one with a cursed camera that in turn, curses the object being photographed with something bad to happen to it in the near future. If it’s not in everyone’s top 5, are you even Goosebump-ing right?
“Monster Blood” had such an impact on Goosebumps fans that it spawned three more tales devoted to the slimy substance AND makes appearances throughout Stine’s other books as well.
In the 90s, what kid wasn’t attracted to cans of mystery goo? With the success of Nickelodeon’s trademark slime, toys like GAK and Dr. Dreadful’s food slime lab were must-haves for our generation of weirdos. So, of course, we had to have a Goosebumps book of a slime that brows into blob proportions eating people! Seems like the obvious move and the correct one at that.
Slappy’s face is the stuff of fucking nightmares. Like “Monster Blood”, “Night of the Living Dummy” made a monumental impact on Goosebumps readers, appearing several times throughout the series of books and even had a pretty prominent role in the 2015 Goosebumps movie. All deserving as this little fucker is basically a pre-curser to Chucky himself. Perhaps not as homicidal, but a ventriloquist’s dummy chasing you through the house screaming you’re “his slave” is enough to guarantee a few sleepless nights.
A fucked up family vacation? Or the most fun one yet? A personal perspective if there ever was one. A theme park or carnival is the ideal background setting and R.L Stine brings an original tale of horror fantasy to life in such a way that no one has ever forgotten this entry from their childhood Scholastic days.
As someone who has a bit of a phobia of certain carnival rides because I’m a little bitch who thinks a lot of them look sketchy and unsafe, this further fucked up my thoughts on the matter as a kid. Even now as an adult, if a carnival cook looks at me wrong, I’m not above pinching the bastard.
“The Haunted Mask” in my worthless, blogg-o opinion, is the Magnum Opus of the Goosebumps series as it’s every single thing we love about the books rolled into one story- and set on Halloween night!
As someone who just adores Halloween III: Season of the Witch, “The Haunted Mask” plays on the dangers of a simple Halloween mask but also summons the young readers in telling a cautionary tale that every kid should hear and heed: You yourself are perfect just as you are. As Sheriff Brackett says, “It’s Halloween. Everyone is entitled to one good scare”, and that’s exactly what Carly Beth, our main protagonist got when she lifts a mask from the sketchy back warehouse of a drug store, even though she was warned NOT to mess with them and they were not for sale. The mask soon takes over her soul because of course that’s what happens when you screw around with cursed Halloween masks. Fucking kids, man.
And besides, the illustrated mask looks like a cover of a death metal album and I’m here for it.
So there you have it. My personal top ten Goosebumps books from the original series. Thanks, R.L. Stine for 30 years and going of frights and fun while encouraging reading for young horror fans. A legend if there ever was one.
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Another year has gone by, and another batch of movies hitting the big 40 hits me right in the gut—or perhaps that’s just my IBS talking. Either way, it has me reminiscing about the golden age of horror and the best that 1985 brought to the table. And OooO, baby, it was one hell of a year to be a horror fan. In particular, a fan of zombie movies at that. Or Miguel A. Núñez, Whichever you prefer.
The myriad of great films from the genre in 1985 serves as the pillar for what fans truly love about 80s horror. Tons of nonsensical plot lines, gore, boobs, and just enough cheese to grate on top without overdoing it, has evolved these once-regarded “trash horror” movies by snooty critics, into classics held high in the community and even outside the fan club in some cases.
I think Trash herself would just take that compliment.
I’ll just say it: It’s arguably one of the greatest years in horror history. And it sure as hell wasn’t easy trying to rank them either? How the fuck am I supposed to rank movies like RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, SILVER BULLET,FRIGHT NIGHT, and DAY OF THE DEAD together? That shit just isn’t fair. But here I am, once again torturing myself into doing it. So let’s just get to it, eh?
I love how the very first scene of this movie is some random guy who saw a goopy, bubbling substance on the ground and decided to eat it. It just sets the president for the whole film that it’s just absolutely bonkers. Aside from THEY LIVE, THE STUFF is the quintessential Reagan-Era horror satire where corporate control of the food supply and the manufactured desire for its consumption offer an incredible insight masked behind a wild-as-shit horror movie. I love THE BLOBand INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, and this justfeels like the perfect hodgepodge of those movies.
It’s called The Stuff, and, believe me, enough is never enough- and I can’t get enough of this Cohen treasure of the 80s.
This was an absolute sleepover staple back in the day. HOUSE was that movie where the trailer made the film seem a lot scarier than it actually is. As a matter of fact, it’s laugh-out-loud bat-shit bonkers and I’m here for every flying murderous garden tool second of it. Vietnam vet turned famous writer Roger Cobb returns to his Aunt’s house after her death and where his son went missing to write his latest book when a bunch of unexplained things begin to happen – is it all in his head? (well what do you think?)
If Joe Dante had directed EVIL DEAD 2 it would probably have looked something like this. Slapstick horror but with the gore switched off, HOUSE is a fun ride that I like to ride a few times in a row.
With Dario Argento writing the script, DEMONS is what happens when a pair of yuppies, a young couple, couple of college girls, a wise old blind man along with his nympho companion, a gang of Class of ’84 reject punks, and a mack-daddy pimp with his two hos all get trapped in a movie theater possessed by demons. It’s fucken chaos and gore galore in a perfect Italian horror event where the heroes of the movie are the goddamn beautiful practical effects that you just can’t get enough of. Nothing happens in this movie for any other reason than for the sake of being cool, and I enjoy the hell out of it.
Moral of the story: never, ever accept free movie tickets from a fella dressed as a bootleg Phantom of the Opera.
Jason is back… Or is he? I honestly feel like it’s only been in recent years where, publicly anyway, it’s been acceptable to praise this entry in the Friday franchise without getting absoulty shit on by toxic horror fans. I’ve been there and it was annoying as fuck. So thank Enchiladas, some of ya’ll have seen the light of Roy and have leaned into what I call, the HALLOWEEN IIIof the F13 sequels. It had its hate run, but now that’s over and you NEW BEGINNING haters are a dying breed. I’m sorry, but how can you NOT love a movie where the slaughter of an entire camp inhabited by mentally ill teenagers started over a fucking chocolate bar? Plus this was also my introduction to Pseudo Echo and I still to this day will get up and dance the Violet whenever their track hits on Spotify.
The red-headed bastard son of a 100 maniacs sequel is wildly considered, even today to many, to be not so much a favorite. Which is just bonkers to me. It’s miles away different from Wes Craven’s masterpiece- almost an entirely different film with Freddy attached to it, but it doesn’t make it bad. Ok, the gym teacher scene picking up Jesse from the S&M Club and getting towel-whipped to death is a bit much, but the pool scene more than makes up for it. In fact, it’s one of the most brutal scenes in the franchise-Freddy running amok at a midnight pool party? YES PLEASE. But let’s talk about the pink elephant in the room: This film is so blatantly queer in many ways that, surprisingly, many didn’t even notice it when it came out. If you’re not convinced that Jesse is gay after seeing the Kate Bush poster hanging in his room, then I don’t know what else to tell you. I’m just sad we didn’t get an ending with Jesse and Ron running up into the sunset.
The darkest day of horror the world has ever known!
This masterpiece of a zombie flick has it all. The total collapse of civilization, the intersection of scientific ethics and bloodthirsty militarism, and BUB- the greatest zombie to have ever been reincarnated from death. With God-tier Savini gore FX, the emotional, political, and moral realities Romero carves into these people before we see them shredded to pieces are masterfully done in visuals that stick with you well beyond a viewing. It’s the quintessential thought-provoking zombie flick of the 80s, and Romero to the core. Oh, and a badass opener and soundtrack to boot.
I’m gonna get shot for this: but I much prefer the ripoff rendition theme of RE-ANIMATOR than the PSYCHO version it was samples from.
This is a movie where I’d love to watch myself watching it because I can feel myself grinning like a goddamn idiot the entire time. It’s a wonderfully campy low-budget horror b-movie with some hilarious scenery-chewing performances from its entire cast, Jeffrey Combs especially, and great practical gore effects. Plus we got quotes like, “Who’s going to believe a talking head, get a job in a side show?!”. It’s just hard to beat with the lovely Barbara Crampton to boot, Noy to mention, the most traumatic/hilarious cat death since Boondock Saints. I love how moments of crazy just escalate in RE-ANIMATOR, especially the bonkers finale that goes off the rails into a pure schizoid panic of insanity—very much my definition of perfection.
Holy balded-headed jumping Jesus palomina. I can hear the people coming for me now putting this and RE-ANIMATOR ahead of DAY OF THE DEAD. But, you know…
I don’t give a fuckkkkk.
CYCLE OF THE WEREWOLF was, and still is, one of my favorite quick novellas’ to read over the span of my life and while this movie strays far and a lot of away from the structure of King’s little book, it does hold faithful regard to the heart of the story- the unlikely hero of Marty. SILVER BULLET expands the twelve-month itinerary novella further into a full-blown werewolf tale of horror with a soundtrack and imagery that is haunting as fuck. Everett McGill as Reverend Lowe was born to play that were-bear (I still don’t think that costume is as bad as everyone thinks), and Gary Busey gives us comic relief with his ‘pissing on the Yankees‘ one-liners and the fact that the man wrassles a werewolf. That’s enough to give this the top 3 spot.
This movie is such a miracle to watch and every single scene steals me away like it’s the first time watching it after well over the 100th time. Tom Holland’s directorial debut is a masterpiece of 80’s horror. Combining just the right amount of comedy and thrills, it checks all the boxes with a cherry on top with Roddy McDowall as Peter Vincent. The practical effects by Richard Edlund and Ken Diaz are phenomenal and to this day, feels like it’s the best interpretation of the gothic creature when Sexy Chris Sarandon flips the script into his evil form. Also, Evil Ed is pretty rad too. The fact that this is a teenage 80s rendition of REAR WINDOW with Charley in the seat of James Stewart but with vampires is fucking smart as hell. It’s just about the most perfect 80s film there is.
Jerry Dandridge dancing in the club with Amy and being this illegally horny is the hottest thing I’ve seen a vampire could do. He is for sure, the biggest-dicked vampire in cinema. I just know I’m right about this. I’ve seen Nosferatu’s ween. It’s nothing to write home about.
In my opinion, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD is the ultimate offering from 1985 because quite simply, it has something for everyone. Dan O’Bannon (creator of ALIEN screenplay) delivered a one-two knock-out punch of comedy and horror with endlessly quotable lines. The idea of a zombie that runs and can’t be killed is just shit your pants kind of scary, let alone a horde of them.
So many standout performances from the likes of scream queen Linnea Quigley, Clu Gulager, and James Karen that had me running around screeching like a rabid weasel. When the director offers to eat real calf brains with the actors, then you know you have something special.
I love that the zombies can talk about how much it sucks to be a zombie and make me feel sorry for them. I love that even though they have been decomposing in the ground for years, they still have perfectly formed bright blue eyeballs. I love that they can wag their exposed spinal column’s like a dog’s tail. I love James Karen and Thom Matthews who are ‘turning’ over a ridiculously drawn out and hilarious length of time, like half the movie, and listening to them bitch and complain every step of the way. I could go on and on but I’ll just finish with this:
Is it the best zombie film? I think arguably so. “ It’s not a bad question, Burt.“
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