A few months ago, I shared a video I had discovered on the YouTubes of a short, but quite satisfying clip of footage shot inside a Toys ‘R’ Us shot in 1989. While it indeed induced sweet memories of running up and down the aisles searching for the prefect Ninja Turtle, it had us clamoring for more. Low and behold, the Gods of Geoffrey have bestowed the ultimate treasure for us nostalgic nuggets- a complete twenty-minute video walkthrough of the once gold mine of toys and games that will have you oozing nostalgia from your eye sockets!
The raw footage is filmed inside a Manhattan Toys’ R’ Us at Herald Center in New York the day before Thanksgiving, showcasing the Christmas season’s hottest toys and giving an inch on the dreaded Black Friday for most parents. It’s pretty amazing this video exists and it’s as if some random someone 30 years ago just picked up a video camcorder and started shooting knowing people like us today would be creaming our pants over this type of stuff. All I can think to say is, this person is a damn hero.
Brought to us courtesy of YouTube Channel btm0815ma, the reel highlights the best of the best and everything we can possibly remember from this now relic as children. We get a complete nostalgic gut-punch with WWF wrestling buddies and WCW figures, Ninja Turtles with Technodrome playsets, the universe of Barbie, and Lego sets of yesteryear! We also get to roam the bike aisles, (tell me I’m not the only asshole who rode those around the store) and I even caught a glimpse of those Universal Monsters PVC bendy figures!
Also, can we appreciate that the recorder spent a good amount of time in the World of Nintendo? Memories of taking those yellow tickets up to the counter to get your coveted game to take home to scream at that night were one of the greatest feelings in the early 90s’. We even get a shot of a ballsy woman taking a Gameboy out of its original packaging to get a closer look at it!
Fantastic.
Then, we end the video with a thorough guided process of checking out and walking out into the streets of the city with a panoramic shot of the once beautiful Toys ‘R’ Us monument. It truly is, one of the coolest videos I’ve seen in a long time, and proper high-fives to this Youtuber for unearthing this gem and sharing it with the world!
When Season 2 of The Last Drive-In opened with a shot of CHOPPING MALL spelled out on the marquee over Joe Bob Briggs’ shoulder last April I nearly squealed. Okay, I might have squealed. But it was only because CHOPPING MALL is perhaps my favorite drive-in movie of all-time, and knowing that Barbara Crampton had already been on the show meant that we’d be getting a dose of Kelli Maroney had me straight up giddy with anticipation.
And judging by the reaction on Twitter, I was not alone. While it’s hard to believe that it’s been three-and-a-half decades since we spent the night with a group of horny teenagers taking on a gang of killbots, it isn’t difficult to understand why the film seems to grow in popularity the further it gets from its original release date of March 21, 1986. It hits the ground running and never stops.
With titles like FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982) and NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984) to her credit, Kelli Maroney is a bona fide queen of ’80s cinema, but CHOPPING MALL holds a special place in the hearts of many, including the star of the film.
“How could you not be delighted that people enjoy something as much as they seem to enjoy CHOPPING MALL? The appreciation and the gratitude is off the charts.”
Our appreciation and gratitude too is off the charts, not only for 77 minutes of awesome, but that Ms. Maroney shared a few moments with us over the phone in early February to discuss her memories of the shoot, her confusion over why no one ever told her Joe Bob was a fox, the status of a possible television series, and she even shared a personal tidbit about the picture that she’d never told anyone before.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kelli f***ing Maroney.
NIGHTMARE NOSTALGIA: Can you believe it’s been 35 years?
KELLI MARONEY: That’s what I always say. If you had told me in 1986 that in 2021 I’d be giving five interviews this week for CHOPPING MALL? (laughs) I would’ve said “What are you smokin’?” because it wouldn’t have been real to me. It used to be more NIGHT OF THE COMET but now it’s CHOPPING MALL. Even Joe Bob Briggs said “What’s the deal with CHOPPING MALL?” and his producer said “Dude, it’s the most popular thing.”
Even I said to (director) Jim Wynorski “Can you believe this? I can’t get over it. I can never get over it.” It never gets old, it’s always stunning. I’m tickled, I’m delighted and really touched because that’s the whole point of doing this is to connect with people and give them something that they enjoy. And this is beyond anybody’s wildest dreams to have done something that people like so much, but I had no idea it was going to be CHOPPING MALL.
NN: It almost felt like the anniversary celebrations began last year when CHOPPING MALL opened Season 2 of The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs. We’re not going to rehash that conversation, but give us a peek behind the curtain of being on one of horror’s biggest stages.
KM: It was amazing. First of all, I got a message from (Briggs) on Twitter and I thought “this isn’t really Joe Bob Briggs,” but it was, it was John (Bloom). He’s a lovely guy and he’s extremely smart. And Joe Bob is a character obviously, but it’s just heightened. If John was always in his sense of humor, and it was just heightened and a little more Southern, it’s still him. So, you get there and everybody is so nice. At first I met Diana (Prince) — Darcy the Mail GIrl — and my friend Felissa Rose had been on before, so I reached out because I was excited. If you’re on Joe Bob you’re a horror fixture in that community otherwise you wouldn’t be there.
First of all, I had never met him before, so when he was on MonsterVision I had never seen that so I thought Joe Bob, what is he a big, fat guy with a beer belly that talks about boobs all the time? I had no interest. I didn’t know what he was doing because I’d never seen it, but no one ever told me he was a babe (laughs). Seriously, no one had ever said anything to change that perception that I had.
He’s a very big supporter of the Chattanooga Film Festival, which is lovely, and they gave me an award once, First Joe Bob did a little riff on NIGHT OF THE COMET — well, it wasn’t a little riff because that dude gets seriously in depth and it’s never little, he always gives a full talk — but my award was a paper mache slice of pizza designed by a local artist who is told what the recipient means to the festival and then the artist creates it. And I said, pizza? And Chris Dortch, who owns and runs the festival and presented the award, said “Yes, you’re like pepperoni pizza. You make everything better that you’re in.” I said “awww, that’s adorable. That’s so sweet!” So, I took a picture with Joe Bob, and even with my huge high heels on I am half his size because he’s tall and I”m petite.
So, back to Felissa. I asked her advice on guesting for the show and she said “don’t tell him something you’ve already told everybody else in interviews” So, I took that as don’t tell the same old story about how I wanted to be an actor since I was a little girl. Don’t bore Joe Job. Be entertaining. And Felissa has no problem just saying things, so she set the bar so high.
Sometime as actors you get all serious about things and nobody cares, they want you to be fun. And as you can see, I’ll just talk as long, until you tell me to stop (laughs).
I love when fans feel like they’re a part of things, and that’s what’s so great about The Last Drive-In. The whole Mutant Family gets on Twitter and it’s a lot of fun. But I was extremely thrilled when I found out it was true. In fact, Darcy direct messaged me on Twitter saying “let me know if you’d don’t hear from them because I’m not doing CHOPPING MALL if you’re not there.”
NN: You’ve probably seen tons of CHOPPING MALL cosplay over the years, but has anyone done it better than Darcy?
KM: No. No. And we had a long girl conversation about “can you even find this blouse anymore?” and the shoes that were closest to what I had worn were $100 so we weren’t doing that, but in two million years I never thought I’d be having a set conversation about that outfit (laughs). She had it down. She even had the patch, and she even did the limp — like at the end when I was limping — it was a thing of beauty. You can really tell she doesn’t just do it because it’s in the movie and she sees what they’re wearing, she’s got the whole thing down.
NN: Is it uncomfortable maneuvering around with a flare in your bra?
KM: You know I forgot all about it. It fit perfectly in there and I forgot all about it (laughs). As did Allison, she almost forgot she had it, too! She looks down and she’s like “oh yeah, I’ve got a flare!” I don’t know, it just fit right.
NN: You never know what movies are going to resonate with audiences, and 35 years later we’re still talking about CHOPPING MALL as you said, but did your head kind of explode like Suzee Slater’s when Liam Carroll posted his piece for The Spool (which you shared on Twitter) outlining how the film had helped him through anxiety attacks and depression. When you read something like that about a drive-in , B-movie that obviously means something to people, how does that make you feel?
KM: Through the internet and doing conventions you hear these kinds of stories a lot and that’s why you want to be an actor. You put up with the lifestyle and the uncertainty and everything that goes along with it because we just have that driving need to connect with other people. It’s such extreme validation to hear that back, that something I put my heart and soul into and it comes back in a wave. I wasn’t out there acting into a void, it’s hitting people and it means something to them. I’ve given them something and they’ve given me something, and it means that I didn’t waste my life doing something that didn’t mean anything, people like CHOPPING MALL (laughs).
NN: There were some rumors a few years ago about CHOPPING MALL doing a television series, and unless I missed something, did anything ever come of that or something that might still happen?
KM: Wynorski’s in charge of that. We were getting set to do a tease, and then I’m not sure exactly what happened because I think he had several meetings with Lionsgate but as they say in the industry, put a pin in it, which means put a pin in it like on a bulletin board and save it for later. It’s just a risky venture I would think, so I don’t know I haven’t heard anything about it for quite a while.
NN: We’re not going to ask you what your favorite scene or line from the film is because I know you’ve answered those questions a thousand times, but I am interested to know what your lasting image is. When you’re thinking about CHOPPING MALL and not being interviewed about it, what comes back to you most?
KM: I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never told anyone.
NN: I like to hear that.
KM: Ready?
NN:I am.
KM: Sometimes that song, the CHOPPING MALL theme goes through my head when I’m doing my makeup or driving around (laughs). And that is true, it is absolutely true (laughs).
NN: I introduced a friend of mine to CHOPPING MALL and he appreciates it as a B-movie, but I refer to it as a classic and one day he said “you know what, CHOPPING MALL is not a classic.” So, I said I’m going to be interviewing the star of the movie and we’ll see. His name is Chad, so if you have message for Chad as to why CHOPPING MALL is a classic, I’d love to hear it.
KM: Hey Chad, sorry you got dragged into this, but since you are (laughs), you can like it or not like it but I don’t like THE SOUND OF MUSIC particularly, but it’s a classic so you’re just going to have to eat this one on CHOPPING MALL. I’m sorry (laughs).
Every time I do one of these lists, I feel like I’m hammering another nail in my coffin. But, I’m a glutton for punishment and the morbid destiny that awaits me.
Unlike the year’s predecessor, lower-budget horror dominated 1991. I feel like a good portion of these are considered mediocre in the general public’s POV. But, I also know that in that same breath, we still watch the shit out of them. That has to amount to something. Also, if you got no love for Full Moon, we might have a problem there, buddy.
Plus, you know, nostalgia and stuff.
Anywho, I’ve attached some handy Amazon links with the movies listed in the case one or two catches your eye and need to expand your beautiful horror collection. Full disclosure: I may earn like two cents or something if you buy through this website. Buy hey, if enough of you buy Puppet Master 3, I could totally get a Crunchwrap Supreme for dinner! I’m certainly not opposed to that.
Now onwards to the best horror movies of 1991!
10. Puppet Master 3: Toulon’s Revenge
Ahh the Charles Band masterpiece of The Puppet Master returns in the second sequel of the franchise and takes us out of the creepy hotel setting and straight into World War II. We get to see our little friends fight off Nazis, with the new addition of Six Shooter joining the band of marionettes- and really, those are both huge selling points right there. We also get not one, but TWO origin stories involving Leech Woman and Blade, which totally makes me overlook the fact the story is set in 1941, when in fact according to the first film, Toulon died in 1939.
Honestly, its a little boo-boo but all the puppet action paired with the former statements, makes you forget all about it and just enjoy Six Shooter unloading his guns into Nazi-scum with his wonderous little painted smirk.
I just couldn’t choose between both these Full Moon gems so I’m breaking the rules and giving them BOTH the number nine spot!
Let’s start with the intelligent Subspecies. The film lays out a fresh take on the old, and sometimes tired, vampire story with many films to follow later in the catalog. The practical effects and stop-motion puppets that Full Moon is infamous for, are done superbly well here in a film where a kingdom of a family of vampires thrives in this dark, gothic horror fairy tale with some KING Angus Scrimm thrown in the mix. The film also really goes balls deep into the folklore of the creatures, and is actually filmed in Romania instead of a back-studio lot which really puts the movie in a class of its own in the vampire genre.
It’s really hard not to love this one with a vampire family feud going on with some college students in the mix to get the story going. Perfect independent, straight-to-VHS horror film in 1991!
Another Full Moon treasure, The Pit and the Pendulum starring Lance Henriksen is a must see for any horror fan. Derived and twisted from the brilliant mind and tales from Edgar Allen Poe, the adaptation is directed by master Stuart Gordon and in true Gordon fashion- the movie is just so beautiful to look at.
Set in the Spanish Inquisition, Grand Inquisitor Torquemada (Henriksen), leads the way in a bloody reign of terror in outing people as a witches. The torture scenes are pretty gruesome, and Henrikson really gives his all in the part; In an almost over the top kind of way that really sells the shit out of this horrid character.
UGH. I remember first seeing this horrifying piece of cinematic terror at a slumber party back in the early 90s’ and lemme tell you- it put the fear of GOD in me in regards to EVER getting pregnant for the next 10 years. Well, until my daughter came along in 2004, but hey it was enough to scar me until I was an adult and ready. So if you want a crash Sex-Ed course for your pre-teens, Unborn is the way to go.
As far as feminine body-horror goes, this flick ranks right up there as we follow a woman in an in-vitro fertilization program run by a sketch doctor and wild shit happens to her body. However, what comes out of it is the tippy-top cherry of that pregnancy horror sundae. It’ll forever haunt the baby blues out of you.
There are two types of people in this world: those who love this Stephen King TV adaptation from the Night Shift collection, and those who want to bury it inside deepest pits of TV Movie Hell where these greaser ghosts were trying to avoid all along.
I’m happy to say I’m not of the latter, thank you.
The movie relays on more practical thriller scares rather than gore. And perhaps as follow up only a mere six months after of the premiere of IT, maybe it wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Anyways, the movie follows a high-school teacher and his family who come back to his home-town to face his past that entails his older brother being murdered by a greaser gang in his childhood years. Now the slick dicks are dead, and are possessing the bodies of his students in an effort to murder him.
The in-your-face reboot of J. Lee Thompson’s 1962 thriller modernized by the pair of Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro managed to revamp the classic into a terrifying, paranoid tale of psycho, rapey revenge.
The all-star cast of a film follows a lawyer (Nick Nolte), his wife (Jessica Lange), and daughter (Juliette Lewis) through hell and back as De Niro toys and stalks each one after his lengthy prison sentence of which he blames his lawyer (Nolte) for. It’s downright skeevy at times and makes it uncomfortable to watch at certain points- especially the scenes between De Niro and Lewis. However, it’s just another example of a how a classic thriller-horror can be redone in the right way.
Fun Fact: Steven Spielberg was penned to direct the remake, and had Bill Murray in mind to play as Max Cady. But, Scorsese took over and obviously brought in his alumni for the villainous role. This could have been SUCH a different vibe and honestly, I would have loved to see that.
Alright, alright I know what some of you are thinking… “This isn’t horror?!” Well, my response to that is goddamnit Patrick Bergin and his knives for eyes scared THE FUCK outta me as a kid and I’ll be damned if someone tries to argue that hiding from a spouse that’s literally breaking your bones every other week isn’t a scary scenario, you be very wrong my friend.
Julia Roberts plays a battered woman who faked her death in order to escape her maniac husband and start a new life elsewhere. Things are looking up as she scores a house next door to a hunky theater professor, until the insane ex catches on to her game and tracks her down.
The film touches on PTSD from domestic violence and the lasting effects it can have on a person. Which I can totally relate to as, full disclosure, I myself am a DV survivor, And when I say survivor, I was close to being killed numerous times. So this movie in particular is quite horrifying to me. It’s something that actually isn’t far at all from a lot of women’s stories and that in itself, is enough horror for me indeed.
Listen man, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare might not be the most beloved of the franchise. However, it’s the first Freddy film that was released theatrically when I was old enough to have a movie date with friends alone. That, paired with the tremendous hype surrounding it with Robert Englund hacking himself like the Springfield Slut to MTV, Universal Studios, and late-night talk shows with specials promoting the demise of Freddy, it’s hard not to love this mess.
Oh and it was in 3-D too!
The Final Nightmare was to be the end-all of the Springfield Slasher by the hands of his only living heir, his child no one ever knew he had. We had a new group of teens to be taken down one by one along with several notable celebrity cameos to give Freddy a proper send-off including Nightmare alumni Johnny Depp, then couple Roseanne Barr Tom Arnold, and Alice Cooper. While the film ultimately isn’t ass strong as its predessors, it has a faithful charm only a Fred-Head would truly understand and I’ll die on this hill with this shit show.
The line alone, “Don’t fuck with the Chuck” is well enough alone to land Chucky’s third film in the top three spot.
Chucky is back torturing a teenage Andy whose been shipped off to a military school. However this time, before he gets to to his original “friend to the end”, he runs into Tyler- a naïve young cadet that becomes manipulated in Chucky’s game and doesn’t realize it until the shit has already hit the fan.
I love everything about Child’s Play 3. Chuck’s comedic chops really shine in the third installment without it getting too corny- and that’s the last time unfortunately it happens in the ongoing series. From his shenanigans’ in the military academy, to the war grounds, to finally the carnival in the haunted hell ride is the coolest journey in this cat and mouse game.
I have no unearthly idea why there’s so much hate for this movie- trust me, I’ve heard way more negative than anything– and I’m probably going to catch hell for this but I DON’T CARE. Wes Craven’s The People Under the Stairs is goddamn glorious and as about as underrated as it gets. There is so much story going on in this film it can be easy to lose focus on the underlying horrific reality leeching on the cruelty of humanity.
All the madness of abuse, slumlords, racial stereotypes with class-based conflict and manipulation is a complete projection of society at the time and is just as ever relevant today in 2021. Maybe even more so.
The story begins with “Fool” a street-smart kid who teams up with his criminal neighbor to steal a rumored bundle of gold from their asshole landlords. What they find inside the home of the demented brother and sister duo is a lot more than what they bargained for. An abused young girl. Gimp suits and shotguns. And a terrifying secret hidden under the stairs.
I mean if you’ve seen it-you know but in the case you haven’t, I’m gonna stop and direct you to this link where you should immediately buy this and put it in your eyeballs. Thanks.
The Silence of The Lambs
I think it’s no surprise that the film that forever scarred me into ever getting to a size 14 in clothing, was going to be on the tippy-top of this list!
The Silence of the Lambs 1991 adaptation taken by the writings Thomas Harris made infamous in his series of novels, is and always will be-the perfect horror movie. Hannibal is so many words, is like the great white shark you never saw coming from the depths of the ocean, albeit a shark with more manners anyway. He’s cunning, highly intelligent, and for the most part, he terrifies us merely with his words. There’s no gore or action on his part for the majority of the film minus the one incident during his transfer where we actually get to see what Hannibal “The Cannibal” is actually capable of. He induces that fear in us psychologically, making us use our imagination in his conversations with Clarice. That’s one HELL of a thing to pull off in a film and thirty years later I still think about this movie at least once a week because of it.
Then, there’s Buffalo Bill. The complexity of his confused and angry character that leads him to killing and skinning women for his own personal body suit is enough to give anyone the skivvies. Throw in an awkward naked dance paired with some Q Lazzurus and we got ourselves one of the most memorable scenes from any horror movie in history. Much like with Lector, we don’t actually SEE Bill do his dirty deeds, they are only mentioned and we see a glimpse of the aftermath of one of his victims via Clarice Starling and the FBI team. Giving way, for us to use our minds and imagining the horrors these women succumbed to Which can be more frightful in any case.
Which lastly, bring us to Starling. the Mother Mary of this trifecta who has clawed her way through sexist pigs of the FBI program in an effort to escape her past and honor her deceased father. Hannibal, along with being the world’s deadliest serial killer is also a renowned psychiatrist and sees RIGHT through her upon their first meeting. That exchange sets the tone for the entire film and is one of the goddamn most utterly disturbing scenes in the while film.
Well, I mean besides ol’ Jamie Gumm dancing in front of a camera.
Bonus Addition! Best Family Horror Obviously Goes Toooooooooo…….
*snaps fingers*
I was trying to stick to straight horror for this list, but there’s NO WAY I could even think of leaving this out. The Addams Family, while not a scary film by any means, is part of our very important horror culture growing up and have been for generations. So it gets a whole category all to it’s self because I do what I want- in my best Cartman voice.
Charming, funny, iconic lines for days, The Addams Family is the perfect go-to for any movie night in with the family, or hell by yourself! It’s spun by the perfect cast, Raul Julia, Angelica Huston, Christopher Lloyd, and a tiny Christina Ricci displaying everything we loved about these characters’ for decades and they will always and forever be, unmatched by those personas they perfected on the big screen.
