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QUINTESSENTIAL QUINTUPLETS: WHY ‘THE FIRM’ IS HORROR’S BEST ENSEMBLE EVER

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Just hear me out.

Before we begin, however, I acknowledge this method could be applied to any number of films and probably work just as well, but THE FIRM (1993) is my favorite Tom Cruise movie and after rattling around in my head for years, it’s nice to finally put these thoughts to paper.

If you’re reading this, I assume you know THE FIRM, but here’s a brief synopsis in case: Mitch McDeere (Cruise), an eager young attorney fresh off graduation from Harvard, chooses a small law firm out of Memphis, Tennessee from a seemingly endless line of suitors only to discover that when something seems too good to be true…

Oh, and a quick thought on the ranking breakdown: roles in THE FIRM was weighed more heavily than their contributions to the horror genre. If you wonder why Cruise is absent despite INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (1994) and LEGEND (1985), or why Holly Hunter was excluded with titles like THE BURNING (1981) and COPYCAT (1995) under her belt and knowing good and damn well that Tammy Hemphill is THE FIRM’s undeniable MVP — well, hopefully you’ll understand more after reading the article. QUICK CLUE: with this writer, a certain sci-fi television series will always win a coin flip).

Now, shall we join Bendini, Lambert & Locke for a little barbeque?

5 — JERRY HARDIN as ROYCE McKNIGHT

The least sinister or shady (insert whichever adjective you prefer that begins with the letter “S” here) amongst the firm’s hierarchy, the reality is that “any lawyer worth that offer” should’ve had Mitch sniffing things out when Hardin said he’d bribed a clerk in the Harvard law office so he could add 20 percent to MiDeere’s tender. Alas, that’s not what we’re here for. Hardin appeared in 11 episodes of THE X-FILES as the mysterious Deep Throat, who provided Agent Mulder (David Duchovny) cryptic information in the early stages of a show that, if you’re of a certain age, was without question appointment viewing.

4 — TOBIN BELL as THE NORDIC MAN

Asking “why are you asking questions about dead lawyers” whilst brandishing a silencer and wagging a finger like a disapproving Dikembe Mutombo would send a shiver down the spine of the most stoic among us, but let’s get down to brass tacks. Look, the Nordic Man’s albino ass was absolutely terrifying, but as discussed in the open — it’s about the heft of character from THE FIRM — so as a trigger man, Tobin lands (rather appropriately) in the clean-up spot. Bell is certainly the heaviest-hitter on this list as the anchor for one of horror’s goliaths. Beginning with the OG in 2004, Bell has starred in the dual role of Jigsaw / John Kramer in eight of the SAW franchise’s nine films to date and is reportedly tied to the tenth installment due this October. Because, if you’ll recall, “if it’s Halloween, it must be SAW”.

3 — HAL HOLBROOK as OLIVER LAMBERT

At first glance, Holbrook cut quite a father figure, one that held sway with McDeere, but it didn’t take long for Mitch to learn that Lambert was behind the wheel of a deep, dark motor vee-hick-uhl chase that resulted in crash and burn for four lawyers–none of them over the age of 45–in less than ten years. Holbrook was nominated for an Oscar (INTO THE WILD, 2007) and his trophy case required Emmy and Tony Awards be dusted, but we’re going to focus on a pair of performances where you wouldn’t have expected him to be the bad guy: Father Malone in John Carpenter’s THE FOG (1980) and Henry Northrup in George A. Romero’s CREEPSHOW (1982). Holbrook just had a gentle way about him, and much like his role in THE FIRM, so why would you even consider this dude was up to no good? Well, some menacing mariners and Fluffified Adrienne Barbeau would like a word.

2 — GARY BUSEY as EDDIE LOMAX

As our fearless leader Patti Pauley often points out, Gary Busey wrestled a godddamn werewolf. Do me a favor and read that out loud again, Maybe three times. But before I forget, Busey played a seedy private detective who had done time with Mitch’s brother Ray (it was so hard to leave David Strathairn off this list because DOLORES CLAIBORNE, 1995). Busey only got two scenes, but made the most of them, and brought Mitch and Tammy (Hunter) together, which if we’re honest, was why Mitch’s “more of a way through” succeeded in the first place. That said, back to wrestling a werewolf. Busey’s Uncle Red keeps us coming back to SILVER BULLET (1985). The one-liners — “I feel like a virgin on prom night” — never get old and though he took a bit of convincing, Red never lost faith in his niece and nephew when he easily could have just buried himself in a bottle of booze — which as I believe you do recall — Uncle Red was very good at. And if we could get back to wrasslin’ for the briefest of moments? It took a lot for me to rank anyone above Busey. I just needed to say that.

1 — WILFORD BRIMLEY as BILL DEVASHER

Even if Brimley had only been provided the opportunity to appear in the scene featured in the GIF above, he would have nailed the role of the firm’s frightening head of security. Not-so veiled threats and that glance before asking a question that required no answer. Don’t, for a single, solitary moment, allow yourself to believe that a dude who once peddled oatmeal (and battled diabeetus) couldn’t scare the ever-loving shit out of you. When it comes to Wil’s horror pedigree, we needn’t look further than Outpost 31. As Blair in John Carpenter’s THE THING (1982), Brimley again made the most of few words: “how long were you alone with that dog?”, “that thing wanted to be us!” and “I said watch Clark and watch him close.” The good doctor not only believed in the voodoo bullshit–but to bring the Quaker Oats full circle–knew sabotaging his own crew was the right thing to do. Brimley ripped the spotlight away from superstars like Cruise and Kurt Russell in both roles and stands atop the medal podium for his efforts.

HONORABLE MENTION — PAUL SORVINO as TOMMIE MOROLTO (with apologies to Ed Harris’ dance routine from CREEPSHOW)

“Avery, who’s in Chicago?” I’ll tell you who — a legend who gave us “we’re under attack by a popular dessert!”(THE STUFF, 1985) and knock-you-on-your-ass roles like Rotti Largo in REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA (2008). There was zero chance — ZERO — this scene didn’t make the cut.

Agree? Disagree? Have another non-horror movie in mind with a stellar spooky cast? Hell, shoot us ideas on topics you’d like to see tackled in this Quintessential Quintuplets series. Sound off in the comments and we’ll see you next week!

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QUINTESSENTIAL QUINTUPLETS: MICHAEL MYERS

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To get back into the routine of writing, I’d planned to post one of these each Sunday for the entire year but got caught up in other things. Not even February and I’m already woefully slacking on a New Year’s resolution. That ends now. Like the topic of this particular Top 5 — I’m back.

It occurred to me that I’ve devoted a lot of thought to the best versions of Jason Voorhees, but never to he of the blackest eyes. I set about remedying that, and debated myself incessantly in the process. In the end, however, there can be only one, and I’m at peace with result.

Know one thing: my top Jason is Derek Mears, so the king of this hill is not going to be who you think.

5. GEORGE P. WILBUR / HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS (1988), THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1995)

One could refer to HALLOWEEN 4 as universally loved because, honestly, I haven’t met anyone who dislikes RETURN, but that’s where things started to go off the rails a bit so far as Mikey’s concerned. Wilbur certainly can’t be held responsible for the mask, but in ’88 we started venturing away from the classic approach of Nick Castle, and by the time CURSE arrived in ’95, Myers just didn’t feel like Myers anymore. The reality is the chasm between Nos. 4 & 5 and the trio up top makes the Grand Canyon look a drainage ditch. Wilbur was solid enough, but his movement and physicality simply felt skewed. That said, anyone who had the awareness to remove the stoic Shatner after each scene to reassure a 10-year-old Danielle Harris it was all pretend is in my cool book, permanent. Okay, this is pretty sweet, too.

4. DICK WARLOCK / HALLOWEEN II (1981)

Listen, Warlock is a legend in the game. He’s got more than 200 IMDB credits as a stunt performer and held down acting roles in numerous films including THE THING and HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH a year after his dual turns as Myers and Patrolman #3 in the sequel to the immortal classic. Through RESURRECTION (2002), Warlock deviated the least from the original construct–while upping Myers’ “not to be fucked with” street cred–and as such, secures the top spot just outside the medal podium. Warlock was good but not great. All right, Ima bounce on down to the bronze section before Patti stabs my ass for disrespecting her boy.

3. TYLER MANE / HALLOWEEN (2007), HALLOWEEN II (2009)

However you feel about Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEENs, it’s challenging to make an argument against Tyler Mane being the ideal choice for Zombie’s “unique vision of a legendary tale”. Myers had long been an insatiable killing machine by the time Mane’s enormous 6-foot, 9-inch frame entered stage left, which meant things went from dire to hopeless with the quickness. So, I don’t care that Mane’s iteration spoke or about the ceaseless, petty yammering of “purists” because this Shape absolutely annihilated Annie (Danielle Harris) and Nurse Daniels (Octavia Spencer), and dispatched with Big Joe Grizzly’s (Ken Foree) similarly gigantic ass with such unnatural ease I wouldn’t have been the least bit shocked to discover “abandon all hope ye who enter here” scribbled on the stall wall. Mane’s brutality is, was, and ever shall be something to behold.

2. NICK CASTLE / HALLOWEEN (1978)

Look, Castle is the OG. Nothing can ever diminish his contribution to the franchise, but at a certain point, let’s take a look. John Carpenter wanted Castle because of his graceful fluidity of movement. “Just walk, Nick” is a phrase we’ve all heard time and again since 1978. And shit was effective, it got the job done. But Castle never strolled the streets of Haddonfield outside of The Shape’s mystery and subtlety–which he played to perfection–but for me, the top spot calls for complexity. His greatness is beyond dispute, but I’m not going to award Castle top billing just because he was first in line.

1. JAMES JUDE COURTNEY / HALLOWEEN (2018), HALLOWEEN KILLS (2021), HALLOWEEN ENDS (2022)

No one would ever confuse me with inhuman patience, but I was waitin’ on a Shape to emerge that channeled the grace of Castle with the brutality of Mane — and then a voice cried out — let there be James Jude Courtney. Big Game James wasn’t emulating Castle when he donned the mask in ’18, merely exuding Castle’s energy. Dude simply watched the OG sit up and walk across the screen and was like “I got it.” Courtney approached the part in a very cerebral way, which was why he was able to communicate so much with a glance, head tilt, or even a stare; prerequisites in trilogy bookends that dove deftly into trauma, grief, and loss. But when it came time to throw down, it was over before it began. A worried resident looking out the window — got a check-up from the neck up. Engine 78 called in to put out the fire — beat with their own shoe. A nurse trying to dial 9-1-1 — converted into a wall ornament. To say nothing of the fact that whenever he shared the screen with Jamie Lee Curtis, you felt their unearthly connection. Should other HALLOWEENs follow (they will), Courtney has redefined the standard by which all Shape’s shall be judged forever more.

HONORABLE MENTION

My man has portrayed Jason and Victor Crowley four times apiece and demanded to sport Freddy’s glove to pull his own hock to Hell, It only makes sense that Kane Hodder team with Adam Green and Joel David Moore to shed light on a question long pondered: who taught Michael Myers to drive?

Agree? Disagree? Sound off in the comments below. And be sure to check back each Sunday for the latest installment of Quintessential Quintuplets.

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Top 10 Horror Movies Of 1983!

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Well, here we are again nostalgic nuggets! Another year has passed and that means another round of classic horror masterpieces turn a healthy 40. The year is 1983. A little game called Super Mario Bros first appeared in Japan. The first Cabbage Patch Kids dolls are sold in stores and nearly got people killed. And the very first cell phones were introduced to the public via Motorola.

It’s also the year where we got to see a little Felissa Rose sport a mighty prosthetic dong to horror audiences everywhere.

What a year, eh?! So let’s pop right into it. As per usual, these are just my personal opinions and only an official ranking if you see my dumb opinion as some sort of value. So take it as you will and let’s talk some 1983 horror!

10. Twilight Zone: The Movie

I initially struggled with the concept of even including the Twilight Zone Movie here; obviously because of the tragedy that befell on the set that involved the death of three people-two of them children. For that reason alone I can’t ever watch the movie anymore without getting upset. But, before that knowledge as a child, I did enjoy it and it is rather decent-not at the expense of three lives but I’d feel like shit as to not at least give this a mention because it shouldn’t be forgotten. So trying to insert some professionalism here with this movie landing at #10.

The film is constructed by modern filmmakers into an anthology borrowing from the brilliant mind of Rod Serling in recreating segments from the original program. Scatman Crothers is phenomenal. Lord Farquaad having a panic attack on a plane is probably my favorite entry- and those two reasons alone are why it’s ranked this high. But in all seriousness, fuck John Landis.

9. House On Sorority Row

A classic tale of a prank gone wrong and sorority sisters who don’t know how to use a bra! I remember seeing the “head in the toilet” on the back of the VHS box as a kid and being sold based on that alone. The power of VHS art fellas.  Sorority Row takes place around a sorority house at a Maryland university. A group of sister seniors are fed up with their mistreatment via house mother Mrs. Slater. So they throw a party at the house, and the girls come up with an initially harmless-sounding prank on their house mother that later turns deadly.

It’s got everything for that classic 80s horror slasher flick. Blood. Gore. Nudity. AND a creepy Jester! Just a little something different that I admire.

8. Deadly Spawn

Deadly Spawn is a horror movie barely even mentioned by the big boys so let’s give this passion project and underrated gem a little love.

This movie is horror-fan service at some of its finest and has a genuine charm that ANY fan of the genre would love and embrace. A band of worm-like mutant aliens with thousands of teeth comes to play on Earth and hilarity ensues with horrendous acting and the kind of practical effects that one truly appreciates in the genre. For low-budget, the effects are something that every fan craves from an 80s genre film such as this, and honestly, I don’t know how anyone could hate this movie. If you do, I don’t think we can be friends, man.

7. The Keep

Michael Mann comes in balls swinging with the mind-fuck that is THE KEEP. Taking place during the Nazi regime, this supernatural fantasy of fairy-tale horror where bitch nazis get their asses kicked by Satan is almost impossible to keep up with coherently as the studios really butchered this one down. It’s a shame really. But, the Tangerine Dream score is sweetly undeniable and the effort put forth is there for us to take in all its solid yet weird glory. Somewhere in Paramount Studios lies an untainted director’s cut containing an extra hour and 30 minutes of this film, and by Goddess release already you cowards!

6. The Dead Zone

The first of several Stephen King adaptations here comes courtesy of Johnny Smith and his visions of death via The Dead Zone. King and Cronenberg is like a match made in movie heaven as King’s literary verbiage can be complex to adapt to the screen. Cronenberg is clearly the master of visual terror so taking the raw emotions and political climate of The Dead Zone and turning it into something even more horrifying than his signature body-horror films, is truly something to take in and resonate on. Nothing is scarier than politics people- yesterday and today.

5. Videodrome

Another Cronenberg classic, Videodrome is basically the body-horror master taking notes from David Lynch by dropping some acid and not giving one fresh fuck about anything other than doing what he does best here- and that’s freaking us the fuck out. This movie feels like it’s going to try and say something to you about the nature of consumption and the act of viewing it, but instead of doing the 1983 equivalent of saying “time to take out our phones” it just looks like you dead in the eye and says “long live the new flesh (bitch).” Fantastic. Plus it has a dude with a gun hiding in his stomach-vagina. Bonus points for that visual that will never escape my brain.

4. Sleepaway Camp

I know a lot of you might think I’m on drugs for putting this cheese-fest in front of visual Cronenberg stunners- but this is the 80s and crackers-on-cheese side dishes like Sleepaway Camp made the slasher decade what it was. So I believe I’m justified in sticking Felissa Rose and her prosthetic peen in this well-deserved slot. Besides, there’s so much to love about this film from the Camp Melodrama to the fact that literally no one besides Reverand Henry Kane, has made me feel quite as uneasy as Aunt Martha. A film like Sleepaway Camp can’t be made anymore. It is completely bonkers, with a hint of self-awareness and it actually pushes the boat out a bit further than most of its genre contemporaries. I got your back, Angela.

3. Psycho II

It’s pretty difficult to follow up on something as sacred as Psycho (1960) and is risky as hell considering the movie is near perfection and really no further context is needed. However, we were proved wrong in 1983 when Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates returns home and serves as basically The Godfather II of horror movie sequels. I realize that’s a bold statement but the continuation that no one knew we needed is a prime example of taking an excellent film and expanding on it with us really understanding Norman’s psyche, allowing us to really have some empathy. It’s a great taboo piece on mental health and a damn fine movie that more often than not, gets swept under the rug in favor of snooty fan politics.

I’m the trash critic that will watch Motel Hell maybe twice a day over something of real substance so what do I know anyway.

2. Cujo

The horror version of Old Yeller forever traumatized the shit out of me worse than that Disney classic. Stephen King’s cocaine-fueled and drunk-driven literary genius of a novel about a rabid dog got adapted to the screen in 1983 and I’ve never looked at a St. Bernard the same way since. Feeling both sympathy and terror, this movie is just a roller coaster of either you crying or feeling anxious as fuck for both the dog and little Danny Pintauro. You feel exhausted from just ONE viewing so this is one I haven’t seen too many times because I need my energy but boy, did it stay with me; and that’s how a horror movie is successful guys.

1. Christine

Stephen King’s malicious tale of toxic masculinity and its effects on everyone and everything is well, the cherry 1958 Plymouth Fury on top of a delicious 1983 sundae. Arnie did about everything as wrong as you could do as a guy fed up with his minuscule lifestyle with the exception of fucking this car that he should have never bought in the first place, but hey, that’s rebellion for you. The superficial pleasures of life paraded as a killer and terribly jealous car named Christine pairs Carpenter at his best with his metaphors for the horrors of reality, so giving him the project to direct was nothing short of pure brilliance. It’s also a real spit in the face to those 1950’s Greaser guys that became a nostalgic obsession in the 80s thanks to films such as American Graffiti and Grease. And I appreciate the hell out of that.

Also, paired with what is Carpenter’s finest score for a film (next to Season of the Witch that is), that scene of Christine just rolling out of that gas station after the explosion on fire is worth every damn penny you paid to see the film.