FIVE CHARACTERS WHO NEED ORIGIN STORIES

Image February 19, 2023 Landon Evanson 1 Comment

I’m having a blast writing these each week, but it occurred to me that the Quintessential Quintuplets title–rather than the ode to Quint I’d intended–may be, perhaps, a wee wordy. So, we’ll try it this way for a bit.

This week, let’s discuss characters who pop up, grab your attention, then disappear before you even realize they’re gone.

Those characters who stay with you. Who even today, have you yearning for more. Brief though it was, what led to the moment we met them?

For me, the five who follow are those characters.

5 — BIG JOHN ELLIOTT (SNOOP DOGG / DAY SHIFT, 2022)

Big John Elliott is a fantastic character all his own, but some combination of director J.J. Perry and writers Tyler Tice and Shay Hatten have the kind of love for Creighton Duke (wait for it), that led to an Easter egg (read wondrous wardrobe) that even a damn bunny would be proud of. is chef’s kiss. That said, Elliott is calm and cool, not unlike Snoop himself, a ride-or-die friend, and when it comes time to vanquish vampires, dude goes full Blaine and leaves no crumbs. It’s simple: horror can never offer enough 90-minute, popcorn fare where we can just enjoy our asses off. So, give us a glimpse behind the curtain to see what led Big John to the events of DAY SHIFT. Oh, and don’t go thinkin’ Snoop can’t carry a film his damn self because BONES (2001) exists. And it slaps.

4 — CREIGHTON DUKE (STEVEN WILLIAMS / JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY, 1993)

There are myriad reasons for more Creighton Duke, that he clearly inspired Big John is just a bonus. First of all, it’s Steven Williams. Having a top tier talent exist within the Friday franchise simply makes me giddy. Few pull off intimidating intensity quite like Mr. Williams, and frankly, we need it. It’s been 14 years since we got a Friday film that wasn’t of the fan variety (no disrespect to Vincente DiSanti), so why can’t this franchise pull a Disney+ and dart off in directions that extend beyond Bryan Fuller’s intentions? We’re not allowed to forget that at one point Duke dropped “remember me?” on our asses in JASON GOES TO HELL. I want–nay–need to know what that meant, and quite certain I’m not alone. This character is mysterious, vulgar, and ultimately a badass who breaks digits in exchange for information. More Creighton Duke, please and thank you. And the best part? No need to find a younger actor for the role because Steven Williams doesn’t fucking age.

3 — DICK HALLORANN (SCATMAN CROTHERS / THE SHINING, 1980)

Look, Scatman Crothers was a once-in-a-lifetime talent, but Carl Lumbly filled those enormous shoes quite admirably in DOCTOR SLEEP (2019), so what’s the hold up? What began as concerned looks whilst Danny (Danny Lloyd) ate ice cream bled into a stern warning about Room 2-3-7 because there can be no doubt Dick Hallorann was intimately wired into the spectral strength the Overlook possessed. “I think a lot of things have happened at this particular hotel over the years, and not all of ’em was good” Mr. Hallorann has a story to tell. And more likely stories, plural. Lest we forget that as a child, the Hallorann had entire conversations with his grandmother without either opening their mouths. Warner Bros., you owe a debt — pay it.

2 — TOBIAS BUDGE (DEMORE BARNES / HANNIBAL NBC, 2013)

Rare is the television show that has fans clamoring for more nearly a decade after airing its final episode, but HANNIBAL (2013) is rarer than most. Take that how you will. We only got two episodes of Tobias around the midpoint of Season 1, but those delectable morsels were all we needed to fully comprehend we were hungry. Demore Barnes devoured the screen with each appearance, culminating in a dinner with Dr. Lecter (Mades Mikkelsen) where he revealed that he, too, dabbled in their dark art and had observed Hannibal do what he did — and did well — after following him one night. Of course, we all know that the cannibal counselor had already selected a protege and Tobias was living on borrowed time, but Budge was one of the most fascinating characters on a show brimming with fascinating characters. Should we get a fourth season, perhaps a flashback episode could be arranged providing the backstory we Fannibals are aching for.

1 — BIG JOE GRIZZLY (KEN FOREE / HALLOWEEN, 2007)

For starters, is “we need more Ken Foree” a hard sell? You and I both know good and hell well that it is not. We can talk about taco deluxe supremes, Swank subscriptions, or the fact that Big Joe actually says A-hole all damn day, but let’s get to the naughty, naughty. Our man politely asked Michael Myers to let him pass his beast in peace, but on just the second knock, that all melted away. Dude started talkin’ shit and pulled a knife. We knew that Grizzly was a truck driver, but brandishing a blade because someone interrupted your bowel movement? Big Joe Grizzly has seen some shit! And I want to know what that shit is.

These are but a handful of my personal selections, there are endless genre characters we simply didn’t get enough of, so give us yours in the comments.

Thanks for reading and see you next week!

PREVIOUS QUINTESSENTIAL QUINTUPLETS

CURRY CHARACTERS

WHY THE FIRM IS HORROR’S BEST ENSEMBLE EVER

MICHAEL MYERS

CARPENTER CHARACTERS

Cool shit to buy

‘Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey’ Collector’s Edition Blu-ray Announced!

Image February 18, 2023 Manic Exorcism Leave a comment

Rejoice all you Nasties! Winnie the Pooh and Piglet too are back and they’re not at all how we remember them. Just like a malignant growth that silently mutates in the shadows so have the friendly duo we all grew up with grown to insane proportions with a perchance for murder and torment on their twisted minds. We’re no longer in the nursery here, my dear reader. Pooh is all grown up, like a whole seven feet, and is full of murderous rage.

This title is our newest entry into the slasher genre and, if you’re one of the OG readers, you already know how I feel about slashers. Bring them on! This little movie was something that caught my eye way back last year when it was announced. I couldn’t believe someone had the balls to do this. But fuck a duck am I glad they did. This sick little twisted movie is a rancid wash of toxic air, the kind that makes your mind warp out of control and is pure mutant material.

Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey has already garnered a cult following by its name alone. But if this week is any indication it’s earned that cult status and those few fortunates who saw it this week are already drooling from the corners of their mouths and are a clamoring for a sequel.

One night only, on Feb. 15th, this movie aired in specific theaters. That’s right. It’s already played and is gone. I just happened to catch its screening thanks to happenstance and looking over Instagram stories. I rushed my manic ass to the cinema, snuck in my snacks, and watched a modern-day slasher splatter piece. It was pure dumb violent fun.

This isn’t something for people pissing themselves for the next Hereditary film. This is a movie made for the Drive-In crowd and you know who you are, sick fucks. I’m one of you. Sometimes it’s necessary to watch sophisticated horror movies, but, on the other hand, it’s very good to just see a silly premise and lots of blood.

One thing people ask me about this movie is ‘Is it really violent?’ Like does to go there?

Yes, it definitely goes all the way. It does not shy away from the gore. It’s not Terrifier 2 in its degree of violence, but it’s a red-wet slasher film just like from yesteryear. Plus it has the decency to remember slasher films used to show us a little bit of T and A, as the Good lord intended. So this is the whole package. It’s also a slasher film set in the woods just like other great titles such as Madman, The Burning, and Sleepaway Camp.

Now if you missed seeing this play on its one night only reveal fret ye not. This Spring Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey is being released in a big way. And you know yours truly had to get this special edition set. It’s the book. That little booklet alone made me slap down my hard-earned cash and secure my own copy. That and look at the handsome slipcase it’s released in. As well as a pretty poster.

But this special edition promises deleted scenes and a small making of special. In case you’re wondering if you should add this to your personal collection let me ask you this. Do you like slasher films? Lots of blood? Some inappropriate laughs? And are you a sick fuck like me? If you can answer yes to all of these then you’ll want to consider sliding this one on your shelf.

This isn’t fine dining as it were as far as movies go so don’t expect as much. This is a quadruple greasy cheeseburger with melted cheese still clinging to the wrapping paper and it’s full of pickles, onions, and lots of mustard and ketchup just to make your farts extra toxic. It’s not good for you but it’s good and you know you like it. That’s the kind of movie this is. A greasy delight that you might be ashamed of if you get caught enjoying it. But who gives a flying fuck? Enjoy yourself my Nasty.

So check out the link here and don’t let this escape your collection.

Manic out!

Lists

QUINTESSENTIAL QUINTUPLETS: CURRY CHARACTERS

Image February 12, 2023 Landon Evanson Leave a comment

“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t just play dreadful old villains.” — Tim Curry

Whether you dig comedies or musicals or horror, if you’re of a certain age and love cinema, then you feel a personal connection to Tim Curry. With more than 240 credits on screens large and small, Curry performances are as endearing as they are indelible. Few actors can boast of characters as beloved today as they were in, say, 1975. But Curry is among those chosen few. And he’s not limited to one. In fact, one could make the argument that any of the five performances that made this week’s cut were worthy of the top spot.

5 — LONG JOHN SILVER / MUPPET TREASURE ISLAND (1996)

Richard Pryor, Carol Burnett, Steve Martin, Rita Moreno, Charles Grodin — Tim muthafuckin’ Curry. It takes a special performer to stand out in cast full of Muppets. And be scary while doing it. At no point are you like “yeah, this is a movie for kids” with Curry’s take. He was a snarling, ferocious boat captain who just happens to be interacting with Muppets like they were merely cats on his crew. Of course, no pirate picture is complete without a hearty, hair-on-the-back-of-you-neck-standing-up laugh. And you know as well as I that no one — and I mean no one — has ever possessed a more sinister laugh.

4 — WADSWORTH / CLUE (1985)

So begins something of a theme, kids: what happens when you sprinkle some Curry into one of the finest ensemble casts ever assembled? Delciousness. Our boy was charming, dastardly, and laugh-out-loud funny. Though it hasn’t aged well (and I despise the laugh’s target), Curry’s wide-eyed-turn-the-page reaction to that thing Michael McKean said? Chef’s kiss. “BUT LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO THE COOK!” But seriously, I say “did none of you deduce?” to this day. Also, have we ever bore witness to more talent on a single screen than when Curry and Madeline Kahn shared a scene together?

3 — DARKNESS / LEGEND (1985)

What happens when Ridley Scott decides to direct a fantasy picture with Rob Bottin’s particular brand of makeup effects magic and you drop a dash of Curry for flavor? The muthafuckin’ Darkness, that’s what. When you put the smarm and charm of Curry under those horns — with the hooves and the eyes…I mean, damn. You get a LOOK. And to channel Kevin Peter Hall, you get a can’-t-take-my-eyes-off-of-him performance along with it. Speaking of look, why Mia Sara didn’t take one glance at endless snacks and a killer closet whilst co-habitating with a sexy beast and simply declare “home, sweet home” will remain a mystery forever.

2 — PENNYWISE / IT (1990)

That brief moment in time when ABC would parade a Stephen King miniseries over the airwaves every few years was beyond glorious, but only one of them knocked us on our collective ass — IT. Our man described the balloon-toting bastard Pennywise as “irredeemable,” which was true on paper, but Curry found a way to fill the screen with equal parts fascination and fright. Think of it this way: Curry’s performance gave an entire generation coulrophobia, and we still adore that character like no other before or since — sorry, Bill Skarsgard.

1 — FRANK-N-FURTER — A SCIENTIEST / THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW (1975)

There are two things I’ll never forget about the first time I saw Rocky Horror:

First, watching Curry throw his head back with absolute abandon during “I Can Make You a Man” and then STR-UT-TING toward the camera with what can only be called confidence personified. Curry was locked in and ALL-in. And second, about the time Frank was kissing hands and dropping echante with a quick, knowing glance toward at the camera, was the precise moment I finally understood why everyone on the planet wanted to fuck Tim Curry. Myself included.

Oh, and I aspire to the level of petty that serves Meat Loaf at the dinner party.

A standout performance despite a for-all-time ensemble cast. One of the finest fantasy villains to grace the silver screen. Taking what may be Stephen King’s most terrifying creation and making it more terrifying. And owning every single moment of the most marvelous musical.

Tim Curry once said “I’m not a conventional leading man at all and have no wish to be.”

I feel confident speaking for everyone when I say thank fuck for that!