I’m pretty much already going to denounce you as a friend (or future friend for that matter) if you can’t get down on some Heathers. The black comedy that first premiered this day, March 31st, 1988 has not only stood the test of cinematic time but remains a significant piece of cultural bliss for those of us that grew up on the tale of bitches and corn nuts. The movie dares to expose the very real fucked up lives of your average suburbian high school with the dark corners of fads, cliques, and social status in such a way that instead of looking it as standard entertainment, we take it as chicken soup for the soul. In the ’70s, teenage girls had “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.” In the ’80s, we got fucked gently with a chainsaw by Heathers.
Just as with morals on how NOT to be a shitty human came with the film, so did an abundance of quotes and one-liners that even to this day, we still use without hesitation. Now 30 years later, we’re still responding to that dumb-ass question with. “Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?” and if that hasn’t gotten old as shit by now, chances are it never will. And to that, I say, GOOD. Real life sucks losers dry. So yeah lets motor, let’s look at the most memorable quotes from the film that ages like fine wine on its 30th birthday!
9. “The Extreme Always Seems To Make An Impression”
Ain’t that the truth JD! The squeaky wheel gets the grease… or something like that. Maybe not to JD’s extreme, but it seemed to ward off bumbling senior assholes Kurt and Ram, as this quote refers to the incident between the trio earlier that day in the cafeteria. Not only a suitable lesson to learn but a proper way to address your outrageous behavior. Kinda like explaining to your ex after catching them cheating why you burned every pair of pants they own.
8. “How Very”
One of the easiest (and snarkiest) quotes to insert into any daily conversation. This is also one of my favorite gifs to use and by fucks, I use it any chance I get.
7. “Greetings and Salutations”
If you’re not introducing yourself using JD’s signature line, you’ve been doing it wrong all these years. Also, gotta love that Jack Nicholson vibe early Slater gives off throughout this whole movie.
6. “Lick It Up, Baby! Lick. It. Up.”
In other words, go fuck yourself bitch. Just a less vulgar way of telling someone to kiss your ass but nonetheless just as effective. And satisfying if I don’t say so myself.
5. “You Wanna Fuck With the Eagles, You Gotta Learn To Fly”
I don’t even fully understand this to this very day. However, I take it as when you aim for those high aspirations, go big or go home. Just another awesomely memorable, yet odd quote from the film you may hear every now and again.
4. “Veronica, Why Are You Pulling My Dick?”
The classiest way to say, “why are you messing with me?” never goes out of style. Case in point, the best moment for Heather Duke’s character in the whole film. Our little Eskimo is all grown up!
3. “Did You Have A Brain Tumor For Breakfast?”
Don’t ask stupid questions you already know the answer to.
2. “What’s Your Damage Heather?!”
I’m fairly certain any humanoid who has ever seen this film, has uttered this line at least once either in fun, or to sincerely ask someone who shit in their Cheerios that morning. A true classic to the end.
1. “Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw”
PSA: Although both witty and funny, you should never fuck anyone with a chainsaw. Unless perhaps your Leatherface getting off in TCM2, and if that’s your thing, then no judgments here. Anywho, of course, this quote tops them all. Especially when you add in that Mother Teresa line.
Remember when you would pop a squat in your bean bag chair with a hefty bowl of whatever sugary preference of artificial flavors happened to line your parent’s wooden pantry? You’d sip on your Ecto-Cooler that sat promptly on your metal TMNT tray, and binged watched Saturday morning splendor like it was nobody’s business. The only thing that made this routine miles more glorious, was if said cereal box was brank-stinkin’ -new. Becuase this meant you had first dibs on the mystery toy inside powdered with cereal residue.
Yeah. Once upon time brands like General Mills, Post, and other various distributors gave us prizes in our boxes of Fruity Pebbles. This practice of the extra incentive seems to have been, for the most part, a dying trend. As we rarely see this at all these days. Kind of a bummer, yeah? Well, I bring today the news from atop the marshmallow mountain that will make all your Saturday morning cereal dreams of nostalgia flavored milk come true! Collectible toy company Funko is releasing REAL HORROR and POP CULTURE CEREALS THIS SUMMER. With mini-funkos encased in every box!
Yes, as cereal-loving nostalgic adults we can partake once again in the treasure hunt for our own little toys (that we actually want) courtesy of the popular Funko brand! In an exclusive yesterday with Coronado Eagle & Journal, Funko founder Michael Becker laid out the news that these cereals’ will roll out June of 2018 and feature the likes of Freddy (which includes an all-new Freddy mini POP!), Beetlejuice, and the Mistress of the Dark herself, Elvira!
Per CEJ:
“One of the fun things is we are about to release our own line of cereal, with a mini-Pop inside. We got all the cool licenses like He-Man, Wonder Woman, Elvira Mistress of the Dark, Freddy Krueger and our own Freddy Funko. We start shipping to stores in June and we have the distribution set up and the product is pre-sold. It’s just one more of those feel-good Funko items. I used to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings while I was eating cereal. There are prizes in the cereal and it will sell for $7.99 a box. When you add milk to the Freddie Kruger cereal, it looks blood red. With the Beetle Juice cereal, when you add milk it looks like slime. The idea is to sell the cereal to retailers who carry collectibles. We can’t compete with Kellogg’s at Ralphs. We think people will buy one box to stock and one to rock. They’ll probably open one box and enjoy it and never touch the other one, because it’s a collectible.”
He hit the nail on the head there. I’ll most definitely be buying two of each. One to pig-out with, and the other to sit on my shelf decaying into cereal heaven of righteousness. Look for these at your local collectible retailers and online stores!
“The Dual Substance of Christ… has always been a deep inscrutable mystery to me. … In order to mount to the Cross, the summit of sacrifice, and to God, the summit of immateriality, Christ passed through all the stages which the man who struggles passes through. That is why his suffering is so familiar to us.”
– Nikos Kazantzakis, The Last Temptation of Christ
In honor of the current holiday, I thought I’d like a moment to reflect on one of the most emotionally charged films in my entire library – The Last Temptation of Christ. Filmed by Hollywood legend Martin Scorsese, this movie dared to take on one of the most violently hated novels of the modern era.
Based on the imperial book written by Nikos Kazantzakis, The Last Temptation of Christ tells us the beauty of the Gospel narrative through an entirely new and never-to-be-repeated manner. For that reason, I feel this movie has earned a tremendous cult attraction among thousands while also offending devout practitioners of the evangelical Christian persuasion.
Spiritually stirring, controversial, and heartbreaking; a masterpiece, pure blasphemy, and a faithful reflection of the hear of Christ himself. This single movie can claim all this and so much more.
image via Nolan Fans
But rest assured, faithful readers. I may be a theologian, but this will not be a religious discussion. You have no worries of being evangelized to by this. I merely want to praise the daring work of a magnificent film, one that manages to stir the souls of believers and nonbelievers alike. Which, if we’re being honest, is one hell of an accomplishment.
Solemn. Celebratory. Triumphant!
The journey of the Christ, as told in Scorcese’s daring vision, instills a mighty swell of victory once we reach that final heart-pounding moment. It is a victory summed up with a humble smile and three sacred words.
“It is accomplished.”
Three humble words that split across the horizon of the human heart and declare the triumph of the soul across Time. They mark a place in History as deeply spiritual landmarks that have guided millions of souls. Only Scorcese could film such a profound moment, one the viewer’s been building up towards from the very moment the title screen glowed red.
The pace of the film is a march, a defying-all-the-costs parade as Christ and twelve other individuals (who would have their names etched upon the pillars of mankind’s religious history) introduce a new and deeper faith to an ill-prepared world. This was ultimately a death march though, and no matter how many of them might try, there would be absolutely no wavering from that looming imminent finale.
The march began with one single individual who inspires others, and they soon join and follow him. The march leads them to Jerusalem where, for a time, the following grows and becomes a multitude. But all too soon dwindles down to just four – the Christ and his three Apostles – in Gethsemane, and , ultimately, becomes only one – the very same one who started the movement three years previously, who will find himself beaten, abandoned, and alone to face death as he is lifted up, stapled between Heaven and Earth, the essential totem of Grace, a sacrifice for those he loves.
image via Blu-ray.com
This is only some of the heart of Scorsese’s gripping masterpiece of love, death, and ultimately unyielding life.
In The Beginning
On the Criterion Collection’s release of the film, Scorsese admits he always wanted to make a big-time biblical epic about the life of Jesus of Nazareth. Originally, Scorsese says he was heavily influenced by the larger-than-life works of Cecil B. DeMille. With movies like The Ten Commandments in mind, Scorsese dreamed of matching that level of grandeur someday.
Scorsese also says he wanted it to be a black and white film, something that (I can only speculate now) would have looked like a Gustave Dore work of art come vividly to life. Undoubtedly that would have been breathtaking, but, admittedly, there already was a black and white Jesus epic out there – King of Kings, which is another Criterion Collection release.
Scorsese’s original vision for his future Passion work was later redefined upon seeing Pier Paolo Pasolini’s critically acclaimed The Gospel of St. Matthew. Yup, that means Pasolini, the director of Salo: 120 Days of Sodom, indirectly influenced The Last Temptation of Christ. The work of one fervent visionary sparked the inspiration of another and maybe there was something in the air, but people were just damn creative back then.
image via IMDB
Scorsese changed his epic into a powerfully humble character study and focused that study on the Son of God. He didn’t have his core story until Barbara Hershey (Black Swan, Damien, The Entity) gave him a copy of Kazantzakis’ mystical novel and told him he needed to film this story, and (kindly) demanded to play Mary Magdalen, a role she fills dramatically.
The movie was a go. Paramount greenlit the work, but then the Moral Majority of America got wind of the project and threw a fit. The studio feared some very ugly protests and on Thanksgiving Day, 1983, Scorsese was told his Jesus movie was canceled. The film wasn’t even out the door and its protesters were already screaming blasphemy. Scorsese had to cut the budget back if he wanted his passion-project to see the light of day. Universal would later pick up the rights and the movie was a go once again. But people still fought it tooth and nail.
The Great Controversy
So was the controversy of the film justified? Honestly, the subject matter of the movie has always been a subject of controversy – Jesus. In the Gospel record itself, the Son of God is tremendously controversial. In Jesus, we have a Prophet who claims to be Incarnate God and vows to bridge the gulf between humanity’s soul and the divine by using only three nails and two pieces of wood. It is an outrageous claim, one only the God-Man could fulfill. Jesus does just that. Society didn’t know what to make of Him. And, if we’re being real, society still doesn’t.
image via metacafe
There is a definite idea of who the Messiah needs to be, and if that idea doesn’t match people’s preconceived expectations there is going to be an uproar. And an ugly one at that.
So is the film justifiably controversial?
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When you have a Jesus film that opens with Jesus building a cross for another man to be crucified, yeah that is going to ruffles some feathers. Well, Jesus was a carpenter after all, and seeing him build a cross that will hang a man guilty of sedition is somehow amazing. This movie presents us with a Christ who is just doing his job. Before he was called Messiah he was just a regular guy making a living. Therein lies the key genius of this movie.
Christ was like one of us. He felt fear and then proved his strength by facing fear. In this movie, he didn’t want to be Christ, but he couldn’t deny being the Son of the living God. It’s a horror story in a way. Think of it: what if you woke up one day and learned God was your father? You were meant to be the Savior of all mankind, but in order to do that, you had to die as a sacrifice. Oh! And you couldn’t just die, but you had to be crucified, the most horrific and painful death invented out of man’s most heinous imaginations.
image via FictionMachine
That’s scary! That’s the story behind Last Temptation. A Jesus who is God become Man. God, Eternal Almighty Jehovah, the I AM, become flesh, beautifully and wonderfully human. One of us, just like we are told in St. John 1:14. This film explores the sacred (and often overlooked) humanity of the Savior.
As a man, all he wants is to live a happy life. Marry the woman he loves, drink with friends and laugh in a good company. He wants to build a home and raise a family. He wants to kiss his grandchildren on the head and close his eyes in death knowing he has led a full life – just like a man. That is his greatest Temptation. The amazing drama of the Christ is the fact he is BOTH Man and God, so as a man he wants to live with those he loves, but as God, he must die to redeem their eternal souls.
image via IMDB
That is the heart of this movie. It is real and raw human emotions springing from the Gospel record. I stress this is not the Gospel, and the filmmakers make that known from the opening title. But this is a celebration of the Gospel’s triumph.
I say that because I grew up in a home that discouraged me from seeing this movie. My parents were missionaries over in Russia, and so I grew up in a very religious home. We did watch religious-based films, but Last Temptation was on the forbidden list. This and The Omen were the top no, nos. Well, shit if those two films weren’t the very ones I had to see though!
I was expecting to see a gross depiction of my Savior, something that would mock up the Christian faith and damage any one’s personal belief upon viewing it. My first reaction though was admiration for how tenderly they depict Jesus. Willem Dafoe steps into the Messiah’s shoes (sandals) and presents us with a very real and very likable Christ. He doesn’t feel far away and distant, but all too real. Someone you could approach without fear of being denied. Before seeing this film, Dafoe isn’t a top choice I’d think of for such a role, but now I can’t imagine anyone else playing this pivotal part.
image via Criterion
I can’t neglect to mention the other roles mastered in this film. As I said, Dafoe is wonderful for his part, but he is joined by some other titanic performances. Harvey Keitel joins us as Judas Iscariot, the man who will be forever marked as the Traitor of Christ. Unlike any other Jesus movie though, Judas is very close to his Rabbi. At times it feels as if he alone gets what Jesus’ mission has to be. The others are ready to take over all of Jerusalem and (eventually) overthrow their Roman conquerors. Judas, on the other hand, is listening and asking questions.
image via Cinema Viewfinder
One of the most powerful moments from the movie transpires between both Jesus and Judas. Jesus knows his fate is at hand, that he must be crucified. He takes Judas aside and tells Judas that he has to be the one who turns the Son of Man over to the soldiers. Judas weeps when he realizes his role in this eternal epic is to ‘betray’ his Master.
In a minor role (but incredibly impactful) David Bowie becomes our Pilate. His interaction with Dafoe’s Jesus was filmed in one day but you’d never know any different. “You’re more dangerous than the Zealots, do you know that?” he asks the condemned Christ with an air of cynicism in his gestures. The confrontation is short but it somehow lingers in our memory. It’s also a scene that then leads us into one of the most emotionally charged Passion scenes depicted on film. Peter Gabriel’s score, something that elevates this movie a hundredfold, simply outdoes itself during this entire painful process. When Jesus is shouldering his cross you’ll feel as though the weight of the whole world is on his shoulders.
Have a listen for yourself.
Finally, the movie is a work of art come to life. Scorsese admits that he used lighting to try and accentuate the visuals as best they could to harken back to some of the finest art of the Reni séance Age.
Final Thoughts
The movie is a masterpiece. It’s a Jesus story unlike any you’ll ever see. Sure, we all feel as if we know the saga of the Messiah, but this film does offer us a story angle we’ve never been introduced to yet. We see the heart of God through the humanity of Christ Jesus. This movie may not be the Gospel account, but it does manage to present us a lot of that self-same heart. Personally, this and Gibson’s own controversial film Passion of the Christ are two common staples to watch each Easter. Both movies offer my inspiration something unique, disturbing, and remarkable.
If you’ve not seen this movie (or if it’s been a while) let yourself taste a little bit of spiritual inspiration and give this one a watch. This has been Manic Exorcism. Have a Happy Easter, a Great Passover, and I’ll be catching you all soon enough. Try not to eat too many tasty chocolate bunnies. That’ll make you sluggish and too easy to hunt, and where’s the fun in that?
