Owner, operator, and fuzzy retro feelers giver at NightmareNostalgia.com.
Worshipper of our Lord and savior Boo Berry, Patti is a seasoned pro having written for the top horror websites and magazines over the past few years until she decided to go balls to the wall and make her own focusing on pure feel-good nostalgia. Mom to two humans and three furballs.
In my humble opinion, there really isn’t a horror franchise that bleeds the highest of importance to the genre quite like the classic Universal Monsters. Stories such as Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolf Man have been retold countless times over the past 100 years in film, starting firstly with 1910’s silent movie Frankenstein by J. Searle Dawley. However, nobody really pulled it off quite like Universal with its surge of successful flicks that put the fear of GOD into audiences back in the golden age of film. And MCA’s 1991 release of the classic Universal Monsters VHS collection was the ultimate spooktacular event that fans had been waiting to sink their teeth into!
I’ll admit, even though I was already a huge fan of the classics, the promos for the now coveted massive ensemble of VHS monster madness was what had me begging the parental units for $14.98 a week to nab one monster movie after another. Those flying VHS tapes towards your face before the beginning of each Universal monster flick in one of the original promos is the one I remember the most, and also served to hypnotize me into really expanding this ever-growing stack of VHS Universal goodness. And the list just seemed to grow every time we snagged a new cassette!
Slick move there MCA/ Universal Home Video. Mesmerizing the shit out of me with that enthusiastic voice-over urging me to visit my local retailer to ask for the Universal Studios Classic Monster Collection in a dark and serious tone like I meant fuckin’ business. I’m also going to tell you that I totally did that too. It was absolutely worth both the giggles and awkward stares from the guy behind the Video Rental counter.
If this turns out to be another dead end to a much-needed revival of one of Stephen King’s greatest achievements, I’m going to plague the interwebs with my fury and wrath in such a way they’ll be begging for mercy from Captain Trips.
Maybe I’m being a tad dramatic. However, I’ve been burned before with the hopes of a glorious and deserved reboot of my favorite novel. So, forgive me going forward.
Anyway, by now you may have heard the news across the interwebs that the thought to be a dead project of Josh Boone’s reboot of The Stand, is in fact not dead at all. Just on hold for now and actually has a future residency with CBS All Access in the form of a 10-hour long miniseries event. The word comes from the sometimes accurate Hollywood Tracking Board. Although I’m hopeful, I do have my reservations as talks of this deserved reboot have been an on and off thing for a few years now.
The post-apocalyptic, 800+ page novel by the literary master of horror published in 1978, eventually made its way into the cinematic world as most of Kings’ books tend to do. With a story such in-depth as The Stand, a two-hour film would never suffice, so out came a 6-hour miniseries in 1994 to the ABC network. While the miniseries starring the talents of Gary Sinise, Shawnee Smith, and Rob Lowe is an enjoyable series to revisit time and again, the story itself is definitely overdue for a modern makeover with today’s technology. I mean, the effects certainly aren’t as terrible as the made-for-tv The Langoliers, but I’d put it in the same ball-park for sure.
Just look at that cheese-whiz! Mind you, it doesn’t bother me that much, but for a Stephen King adaptation we can do a lot better, can’t we?
Also, it would be nice to see a proper tribute to the novel that is widely considered, one of King’s best pieces of work. Let’s just make sure we get Crispin Glover to play Trashcan Man, deal?
I’m pretty much already going to denounce you as a friend (or future friend for that matter) if you can’t get down on some Heathers. The black comedy that first premiered this day, March 31st, 1988 has not only stood the test of cinematic time but remains a significant piece of cultural bliss for those of us that grew up on the tale of bitches and corn nuts. The movie dares to expose the very real fucked up lives of your average suburbian high school with the dark corners of fads, cliques, and social status in such a way that instead of looking it as standard entertainment, we take it as chicken soup for the soul. In the ’70s, teenage girls had “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.” In the ’80s, we got fucked gently with a chainsaw by Heathers.
Just as with morals on how NOT to be a shitty human came with the film, so did an abundance of quotes and one-liners that even to this day, we still use without hesitation. Now 30 years later, we’re still responding to that dumb-ass question with. “Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?” and if that hasn’t gotten old as shit by now, chances are it never will. And to that, I say, GOOD. Real life sucks losers dry. So yeah lets motor, let’s look at the most memorable quotes from the film that ages like fine wine on its 30th birthday!
9. “The Extreme Always Seems To Make An Impression”
Ain’t that the truth JD! The squeaky wheel gets the grease… or something like that. Maybe not to JD’s extreme, but it seemed to ward off bumbling senior assholes Kurt and Ram, as this quote refers to the incident between the trio earlier that day in the cafeteria. Not only a suitable lesson to learn but a proper way to address your outrageous behavior. Kinda like explaining to your ex after catching them cheating why you burned every pair of pants they own.
8. “How Very”
One of the easiest (and snarkiest) quotes to insert into any daily conversation. This is also one of my favorite gifs to use and by fucks, I use it any chance I get.
7. “Greetings and Salutations”
If you’re not introducing yourself using JD’s signature line, you’ve been doing it wrong all these years. Also, gotta love that Jack Nicholson vibe early Slater gives off throughout this whole movie.
6. “Lick It Up, Baby! Lick. It. Up.”
In other words, go fuck yourself bitch. Just a less vulgar way of telling someone to kiss your ass but nonetheless just as effective. And satisfying if I don’t say so myself.
5. “You Wanna Fuck With the Eagles, You Gotta Learn To Fly”
I don’t even fully understand this to this very day. However, I take it as when you aim for those high aspirations, go big or go home. Just another awesomely memorable, yet odd quote from the film you may hear every now and again.
4. “Veronica, Why Are You Pulling My Dick?”
The classiest way to say, “why are you messing with me?” never goes out of style. Case in point, the best moment for Heather Duke’s character in the whole film. Our little Eskimo is all grown up!
3. “Did You Have A Brain Tumor For Breakfast?”
Don’t ask stupid questions you already know the answer to.
2. “What’s Your Damage Heather?!”
I’m fairly certain any humanoid who has ever seen this film, has uttered this line at least once either in fun, or to sincerely ask someone who shit in their Cheerios that morning. A true classic to the end.
1. “Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw”
PSA: Although both witty and funny, you should never fuck anyone with a chainsaw. Unless perhaps your Leatherface getting off in TCM2, and if that’s your thing, then no judgments here. Anywho, of course, this quote tops them all. Especially when you add in that Mother Teresa line.
