Category Archives: Editorials

Year In Review: The Best Movies and Comebacks of 2022 and the Biggest Disappointments

2022 was a hell of a year for pop culture, the return to nostalgia, and the horror genre, and let me tell you, it was warmly welcomed after a shitstorm of 24 months of burning hell the years prior. It’s like the universe said, “You know, these humans have had enough panic attacks over the last year-maybe they deserve a bone or two being thrown at them.” Also in the same breath, the universe penalized us for being well, dumb humans, and let the likes of Rob Zombie get ahold of The Munsters franchise as sort of a punishment to our eyesockets.

So on that note, I’ve taken it upon myself to both praise, and bitch at the same time about my favorite, and most disappointing things of 2022. So let’s take a look at the best and the worst of this weird year over here at Nightmare Nostalgia!

2022 hit heavy on the nostalgic feelers by bringing back some fan favorites in pop culture. Some of it was a home run right out of the park, and some fell flatter than a picture of the Earth in a Flat-Earther’s office. But let’s start off on the right foot here.

The Best Returns of 2022

McDonald’s Halloween Buckets

I have a feeling a lot of people are going to disagree with me on this one because of the lids, but hear me out first! It’s been a long time since we saw anything decent come out of a McDonald’s Happy Meal in quite some time and when the fast food giant was once considered to be the King of the Food War Holidays, this was a welcomed return to nostalgia. Was the quality the same as the ones from the 80s and 90s? Nope. Did I care? Also, FUCK NO. I was happy to have them, end of story. We had been clamoring for this return for years and we were finally heard. When the news broke in September, via my big mouth and some insider info, the world lost its ever-loving shit. Tracking them down one by one was a glorious and nostalgic moment for many and I hope McDonald’s gives us round 2 of nostalgic Halloween Pails in 2023. Perhaps the purple witch this time?

Beavis and Butthead

Any kid growing up in the 90s would agree that Beavis and Butthead were a generational byproduct of that decade and we wouldn’t be as cool without it. The original riffers of anything that sucked came back with not just a new series, but a new movie as well- and both were goddamn hilarious. It was as if Mike Judge had never left the idiotic duo behind and given these marvelous morons a purpose in 2022. With music videos making a comeback to the series and honestly, that was the best part of the show when they lent their opinions on what ruled and what was crap, the show also modernized with YouTube clips of random shit. Like a girl eating 10 Big Macs in one sitting while Beavis and Butthead fell in love with her.

Quality entertainment.

The Return of Great Music Via Stranger ThingsKate Bush/Metallica

Stranger Things is no stranger with ringing the bells of nostalgia for all to hear far and wide. But the resurgence of some fantastic 80s music going mainstream and being discovered for the first time via the series is nothing short of a phenomenon really. I’ll be the first to admit I had never heard “Running Up That Hill” prior to Stranger Things (I was born in 1982 mind you), so that was a fantastic discovery for me personally along with millions of others. Also, I’m a bit tickled that “Master of Puppets” shot up to number one on Spotify. As a Metallica fan since I first heard them in 1990, that was a satisfying feeling.

Now, the comebacks that didn’t really work out.

Crunch Tators

At first, I was pretty excited that Lay’s reignited that Gator Tater snack Crunch Tators just in time for the holiday season so we can eat junk and watch rubbish just like Kevin McCallister in Home Alone. But alas, 2 months later and I’ve still YET to find them. Most people were able to find them at their local Dollar General. However, the one I have in my vicinity only harbors rotten sewer stank within the aisles of almost expired potato chips. What a failure and a missed opportunity of a launch for a nostalgic product and quite disappointing.

The Santa Clauses Series

The series nobody asked for. Tim Allen as Santa Clause is great and all and the original 1994 movie is a blast of nostalgic fuzzies. However, this series is pretty dodgy as a continuation of that one-and-done magic. Just stick with the original film and skip this pile of shit. Hell, I’ll be generous and throw in the second one if it helps curve you away from this.

And Now, Drumroll Please… The Best and Worst Horror Movies of 2022!

I rarely talk about modern horror movies around here so here’s an end-of-the-year treat for you guys! Relish it, because it won’t happen again for at least another 6 months. Original ideas won me over in 2022, while sequels to beloved franchises and reboots barely missed the trash can.

Let’s start with the best:

Smile

I knew absolutely nothing going into Smile and that I think made it so much more delightful for me. It’s a melting pot of glorious horror ingredients that include superb acting and an engaging plot with some great jump scares and wtf moments. The monster is the stuff of nightmares. What more can you ask for really?

Barbarian

Barbarian was the biggest surprise of 2022 and I was all here for it. Much like with Smile, Barbarian had all the right elements backed by superior casting to pull off this mother of monstrosities. Also, I’m full of the belief now that if Justin Long appears in a horror movie, his chances of survival are pretty grim.

X

Another movie I had no fucking clue what I was walking into was Ti West’s X. The now-realized middle entry of what is to be a trilogy, as the prequel Pearl was released shortly after with MaXXXine coming soon, is a balls-to-the-wall standout entry in the horror genre filled with retro vibes that mirrors that of a 70s horror film. I enjoyed Pearl, but X had that X factor for me that Pearl was lacking in the way of top-notch bonkers crazy gore, and a nostalgic aesthetic of what horror movies once captured during that era. Also, a crazy horny old Pearl can absolutely give Patrick Bateman a run for his money.

Violent Night

Violent Night is the reason why I waited until the last week of 2022 to put this together because had it not been on here with the best, I would be pretty upset at myself.

David Harbour as a violent Viking turned Saint Nick is the one thing I never knew I wanted or needed but here the fuck I am. And I better goddamn get a sequel next year too! This movie has everything a perfect Christmas Horror movie could ask for. The imagery of a Christmas night filled with over-the-top gore crazy violence added with the wit of David Harbour along with adult-sized Home Alone boobie traps. I need a lot more of this next Christmas fellas.

And with the good, comes the bad.

Here come the stinkers of 2022! Well, they smelled of old Chinese food to me anyway.

Scream

Goddamn, I really hated this. I would call this the second worst out of the entire franchise right behind 4 and with Ghostface headed to New York to pull a Kane Hodder situation, I can’t see getting much better. Unless he boxes someone on a roof, then the movie might be saved. Scream (5) was so boringly predictable that it wasn’t even remotely enjoyable. Scream, in my opinion, should have ended as a trilogy. But what do I know? I’m just a dopey blogger.

Firestarter

I don’t mind reboots at all. As a matter of fact, I rather enjoy another perspective or retelling of a horror film in particular. Firestarter (1982) is definitely up there for me as far as one of my nostalgic favorites of the 80s so I was really excited to see this rendition- only to be massively disappointed by the lack of explanations and felt like an unfinished film. Which is a shame because the acting is great as far as Ryan Kiera Armstrong and Zac Efron are concerned. But good acting can’t save a rushed and shit storyline that undermines the value of a great story.

Nope

Up to this point, I’ve enjoyed the hell out of what Jordan Peele has done for the horror genre from Get Out to his twist on the Twilight Zone. But Nope, is well, a nope for me.

Maybe my expectations were too high but the worst thing you can do to a movie is make it boring. Despite solid performances, the characters’ motivations just don’t feel believable, and the story seems to take ages to set up despite the action-packed opening scene. I would have rather seen a full movie about Gordy the homicidal monkey than a weird take of War Of The Worlds with a giant tissue eating people. I understand the symbolisms and metaphors Peele uses in this film with nature and fame. But it was one of the biggest letdowns of 2022 for me. He can make it right by giving me a Gordy movie, thanks.

Rob Zombie’s The Munsters

Sometimes it’s best to leave nostalgia where it should be-in the past. The Munsters isn’t even really horror, but more of a family-friendly comedy with a gateway horror element- but it’s enough for me to bitch about it.

Rob Zombie trying to fulfill his weird fantasy of Sherri Moon being Lily Munster and we get trash like this. I can’t even talk about this too much without my blood pressure boiling over and at 40, I gotta watch that shit so I’ll say this: This is the biggest pile of dooky of 2022. Just watch the old reruns if you need a good dose of The Munsters, ok? Save your eyes from the blindage of the REAL horror of a really bad movie.

So there you have it. Nightmare Nostalgia’s 2022 year in review. What was your favorite thing this year? Let’s talk below and Happy New Year Nostalgic Nuggets!

Legendary Villains: Skeletor (Part 1 of 3) -Early Origins and Lore

There is an ancient rivalry locked between the forces of Good and Evil, a war that’s raged eternally across the universe and one that’s held fans captivated for generations. Evil has worn many visages but the most readily recognizable has to be that of the Lord of Destruction himself, Skeletor.

The evil forces of Skeletor and the heroic Masters of the Universe meet in battle over the celestial destiny of Castle Grayskull at the center of the universe. Blades meet in ferocious battle and brighten the cosmos with their erupting sparks. It’s a timeless tale of swords and sorcery, a tale as old as mankind and it all took place before our little eyes right on the center stage of our living rooms.

The magic words “By the Power of Grayskull” unlocked the secrets of the cosmos and a fantastical world would unfold. Toys, cartoons, and comics all fueled the ever-lasting battle for Eternia over our lives. For many, it introduced us to the esoteric concepts of Good and Evil as well as the hefty responsibility of power. 

In this new series dedicated entirely to villains, we’ll be discussing the devious merits of villainy and the loneliness of Evil. Their victories, their defeats, and, most importantly, their origins and the roots of wickedness are all being laid bare. Where did they come from and what is the end game for some of our favorite bad guys? That and more awaits!

And who better to start this off with than Skeletor, my favorite villain of all time?

It truly goes without saying any hero worth his salt needs a significant villain. An embodiment of darkness and someone to upset the tranquility of life. A definite negative to the heroic positive. An opposite that matches the hero in some way and provides unsurmountable threats for our champion to face. Arguably He-Man is the mightiest man in the universe and the prototype of a true hero so the villain he most face has be the very face of purest evil.

If the hero is all about selfless sacrifice the villain is about selfish conquest and will slaughter anyone to make it happen. 

Skeletor

There was no hiding his malice, no denying his diabolic intentions. He (with the possible exception of Darth Vader) was our first villain and his pursuit was nothing short of obtaining the celestial power of the universe eternal to play with at his will. 

Skeletor is the perfect villain. You look at him and just know he’s evil. His face is that of living death beneath a sorcerer-hood. His staff is crowned with the head of Baphomet and bears the name of Havoc, a creation of darkest sorcery. He’s singular-minded in his purpose to crush, kill, and ruin all who defy him. And his body of pure muscles reveals lunatic self-discipline. He is menacing through and through. 

Many evil doers set goals towards wealth, influence, or world domination. Skeletor on the other hand seeks nothing short of ruling the entire universe and will stop at nothing until he, at last, holds the Power of Grayskull in his hands. Woe be to those foolish enough to stand in his way.

“Yes, I feel it! The power fills me… I feel the universe within me. I am, I am a part of the cosmos. Its energy flows, flows through me. And what consequence are you now? This planet, these people, they are nothing to me. The universe is power! Pure, unstoppable Power! And I am that force. I am that Power!” Skeletor (Frank Langella) Master of the Universe (1987)

concept art for Skeletor, image via Canon.

Origins Rooted In Macabre Horror

Fittingly for one such as Skeletor his origins reach out of a nocturnal hall of shadows, twistedness, and decaying fear. The concept artist (Mark Taylor) behind the iconic design for Skeletor recalls visiting a creepy funhouse as a kid at Pike’s Amusement Park where an event would leave a mark on his subconscious for years to come.

Mark Taylor’s early concept design of Skeletor

He recalls how the further down the dark corridor he traveled the air soured ahead of him as if he were walking toward an open grave. The acute smell of rot grew more cumbersome until a skeleton dropped from a hidden door in the ceiling and dangled grotesquely before his horrified eyes.

The smell of the macabre sight was overwhelming and young Taylor knew he was looking at a real human corpse, and years later it would be confirmed he was right. The skeletal face stared at him with lifeless sight and blocked the child’s path. He swears it was the scariest thing he’d ever seen and, years later, admits that’s where the persona of Skeletor took root in his subconscious.  

early concept art for He-Man and Skeletor via artist Mark Taylor

Taylor’s further attributed his inspirations come from the scandalous horror comics of EC. That’s right the comic company banned for being much too graphic for polite society’s eyes played a hand in Skeletor’s beginning. Now our readers will gladly recognize the heinous works of EC Comics, the guys who made Tales From the Crypt and the Vault of Horror (to name a few) are well beloved around here.

image via EC Comics

Whether it’s grizzly depictions of scarred killers mutilating innocent victims, or the rotting undead rising out of wormy graves to feed on warm human guts, their images linger in the soul. Who can forget the devilish monsters brought to life by pen and paper under the EC seal of macabre quality? Most of us here were born in the ‘80s and EC Comics were already far long gone by then but even we recognized the art and wonder these old comics held in them. I remember finding one of my dad’s old EC comics and was disgusted by what I saw in there. I, being a child psychopath, needed to see more of course. So EC Comics – in part – helped inspire the conceptional-design of MOTU.

Fun Fact: in his earliest genesis, Skeletor was originally known as D-Man or ‘demon.’ And as you can see by this grizzly concept sketch EC was heavily part of his character. You can definitely see Skeletor in the face, but there’s a strange other-worldly nature to the design too. Something almost alien. This early-on concept manages to be even more ghastly than the finished product.

early Skeletor concept

Mark Taylor intended Skeletor to be both the very essence of Evil and the manifestation of fear. And who can deny it? There’s something dreadfully hypnotic about Skeletor. A demonic charm that enthralls the attention and has never really let us go. 

Skeletor’s origins may have started as one boy’s initial jump scare back at an amusement park, but as his background fleshed out and grew it transcended generations and rose above and beyond what anyone thought a small plastic toy could ever do.

What are the basics?

Skeletor is the arch-enemy of He-Man. Skeletor is the devious bad guy at Snake Mountain and has one goal in mind: to take control of Castle Grayskull.  He is a skilled swordsman as well as a cunning sorcerer. He’s a powerful warlord with an army of demons at his command. He is a very real and ever-present threat to all life.

Fans of the cartoon also know him as a cackling wiseass whose plans never quite turn out how he intends. He’s always bitching out his lackeys and being a constant thorn in King Randor’s side. In pop culture, this is his most recognizable identity.

Nevertheless, as we’ll be discussing, Skeletor’s legacy has spread out from the animated campiness and allowed him to go all-out Hellish.  Not that there’s anything wrong with cartoonish camp. I just happen to like my Skeletor a little darker is all.

Early Origin Story

Shortly lived as it was, according to the earliest conceptual work (and the mini-comics) Skeletor was from an evil dimension where the hellish denizens looked uncannily similar to him. We’re not told much about his home planet or dimension. It very well could be Hell or a version of Hell in that part of the Universe. Now interestingly enough this ‘alien’ or outsider background hasn’t exactly left Skeletor as his lore later developed and found itself at the heart of his origins in the updated 200X series, but we’ll get all into that a bit later on. 

So overall Skeletor is a Hellish entity that entered into the calm beauty of Eternia with the sole plan to rule the universe.  His archenemy though has a few different origin stories.

Admittedly each of the original comics holds different explanations as to how He-Man became He-Man. At first, he was a barbarian (but an even earlier background had him originally raised by apes) who walked away from his village and wound up in the favor of the Goddess who bestowed upon him magical armor and weapons. Weapons and armor Skeletor and his evil minions coveted and sought to steal.

Originally it was this armour of the Goddess that made He-Man the most powerful man in the universe. So if Skeletor wore the same armour he would then hold the same power.

This origin is also more akin to Frank Frazetta’s fantastical artwork and is metal AF. The world of this He-Man is a far more savage place inhabited by barbarians and demons. I dig it.

But then later the comic license was transferred to DC who quickly changed things up and gave the man with superpowers a secret identity and thus Prince Adam was born. In this version, Prince Adam would jump into a cave and come out as HE-MAN! The most powerful man in the universe! It can get confusing but the core thread these differing origins share is the idea that He-Man is the hero sent out to answer his destiny. Meanwhile, as the hero was setting out to answer the Universe’s call so was his opponent, the villainous Skeletor. And so the balance of Good and Evil was set in place and the battle has never stopped.  And speaking of balance…

Of the Sword of Sorcery

The Power Sword was split in two. One half went to He-Man and its twin fell into the hands of Skeletor. In order to unite both halves and complete the sword one of the two champions would need to fall. Only by fusing the broken Sword back together could you unlock the jaw-bridge of Grayskull and gain access to all the secrets hidden within. 

Skeletor knew that only by the power of Grayskull could he achieve his goals. In order to do so he would need an army of demons to attack Eternia. Skeletor’s (original) goal was to use the Power Sword and tear an opening in the fabric of reality to gain access back to his evil dimension. Only then could he lead his legions in a merciless invasion over this new world where he would take control of Castle Grayskull and finally become the Master of the Universe. Ambitious as all fucking Hell right from the start. 

Why won’t anyone make a film about that? I’m serious. Could you imagine that kind of movie? It would be as epic as Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy. 

It’s funny but I can’t really find what He-Man would have done with the complete Sword other than keeping it safe. Skeletor on the other hand has a very definite goal and pursues it with Hell-bound determination. One (of many) gripe I have with Kevin Smith’s take on MOTU – and if you’re a fan of Revelations go ahead and skip forward because I’m going to get critical – is the man’s complete lack of understanding of the property. Smith’s Skeletor obtains the Power Sword and commands Grayskull but in no time at all gets to the point where he has really no clue what to do with it. Well other than kill He-Man. Which, I must point out, he can’t even pull off. The established lore contradicts this notion by already revealing, and in various ways, how Skeletor has a definite goal at work and what he would do should he obtain the coveted Power. Guess that’s what happens when you give a man a property he claims he never even liked to begin with. 

Now the Filmation cartoon introduced the notion of the Power Sword being lifted up and the magic words being said, ‘By the Power of Grayskull!” In this version, Skeletor does not have half of the Power Sword and the sword, as far as I know, is complete in the cartoon. I personally like the idea of one half being held by the champion of Good and its equal in the hands of Evil. Something deep about that notion. Something about the loneliness of Good equalling the loneliness of Evil if you know what I mean.

Some have had a real issue with all the lacking continuity found in the different background stories. So much so that it frustrates and overwhelms some people. You can tell a lot of this stuff was made up on the fly and as Mattel swung by the seats of their pants to get toys out to kids they wound up conjuring forth some of the coolest characters anyone had ever seen in the whole universe.

And kids don’t care much for this stuff. They’ll make up their own stories. The fact that Mattel even gave any background or a moment’s thought to the history and world these figures inhabited is astounding really. Today we just come to expect lore. Back then though, the early ’80s, this was all brand new! So one guy came up with a cool look for the characters and another gave it a gander and spun a bullshit story about who the toy was and then the toys hit shelves. Later on, as the comics were being written more lore could be included. As that went along a fresh idea came to mind and so the lore was broadened even at the cost of continuity. The same happened when writing the cartoon.

At the end of the day we can’t expect some almighty cohesive storyline as fundamental cannon. I personally like each one, although I favor the Frazetta-inspired saga. The one thing they all agree on is Skeletor’s always been a demon of some kind. And he fights the mightiest hero in the cosmos, He-Man! But don’t miss the point here: Mattel sold demons to kids! Fucking legendary.

And who’s to say it’s not all somehow connected? It’s a story about the Universe after all. So while He-Man walks away from his barbarian tribe to become the champion of Eternia in another reality Prince Adam simultaneously walks into Grayskull and meets the Sorceress. Bottom line, to me, a lifelong fan, they all work together rather than against each other. As long as the basics stay the same the lore stands intact.  At its heart its a saga about Good vs Evil. And we can all relate to that.

It’s up to you to choose which background you prefer. That power is entrusted to the fan’s hands. 

To wrap things up I want to leave off with the cliffhanger of the final mini-comic of 1987. The story revolves around King Randor’s long, lost brother who vanished years before the events of MOTU took place. So there’s, even more, to explore, and believe me, it’s going to get wild as we not only look at the finale of the ’87 story but then jump ahead to the 200X series to meet its conclusion.

As the above panel shows the secret of Keldor was meant to be a major breakthrough in the lore surrounding the Lord of Destruction. In true villainous fashion Skeletor’s story didn’t end in ’87. Our beloved villain would not just make a return in the decades to come, but he would come back with much more power and weave a spell over generations to come.

So be sure to join us next time as we cover this secret in Part II of Skeletor’s origins and legend. We’re far from over, my Nasties. They’ll be plenty of twists and turns as well as a few familiar faces making an appearance.

In the meantime, if you crave more of that lovely nostalgic goodness be sure to check out more of our stuff like my thoughts on the classic 80s Transformers: The Movie. I’m Manic Exorcism and wish you all a very Happy New Year!

 

The Incredible Transformers Movie That Ruined Plenty of Childhoods Back In 1986

Years before Michael Bay got his greedy paws on the Transformers franchise and gave our favorite robots in disguise the typical Hollywood treatment of loud explosions, dopy human characters no one gives a crap about, and a ton of CG action there was already a full-length feature film that existed.

One more faithfully associated with the cartoons and figures therein represented. Released in 1986 the film was a big deal and, well, definitely left its mark on pop culture. It also shocked – and (to the outrage of parents) broke the hearts – of children across the nation. It made some pretty big waves and that’s for damn sure.

Today we’re looking back at TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE! And the inexplicable controversy involved with it. Now before we go further I gotta warn you that spoilers are inevitable from here on out. The movie came out in ’86 so there’s been plenty of time for word to have already circulated. Still, if you’ve not seen the film I encourage you do then come back to read this. Ok, with that out of the way. 

Genesis 

Kids had it pretty good back in the day. And sure I know every generation tries to claim that, but give it a little thought and it’s easy to see how the ‘80s was the best decade to grow up in. It was the era that really amped up horror movies (practically birthed the Slasher genre into the world), heavy metal was on the rise, we had a gazillion cartoons to lose our minds over, and a new thing called the NES was teaching us a brand new way of living. We still played outside, got sand in our hair, and I remember all my friends and I would go into the woods purposely trying to get lost. It never happened though. At the end of the day, we always made it back home and sat around the family table to eat some of Giovani’s greasy pizza. 

I’m not saying everyone was happy, but it was an amazing time to be alive. We got to not only watch our favorite animated heroes acting out new and amazing adventures on the TV but goddamm we also got toys of self-same heroes that let us make up our own adventures once the TV turned off.

Our imaginations were on fire!  

In my last article, I talked about the art of MOTU and mentioned how He-Man dominated the toy market. That’s true. But also the (titanic) financial success of MOTU showed businessmen that stupid little pieces of plastic could do a magic trick and turn into gold if, if, you knew the trick. So companies slapped themselves around coming up with tricks of the trade, gimmicks they called them, and realized that if the toy was cool it would sell. 

And that was the alchemical secret. We weren’t expecting perfection in what we played with. We just wanted it to be cool. Hasbro must have been drinking some good coffee one morning because someone put two and two together and came up with cars transforming into kick-ass robots and BINGO!

They also had Japanese toy developers who’d already been doing this thing for years to thank for the main inspiration but that’s for another story. Shhhhh.

Hasbro knew they had a hit on their hands and Transformers quickly came into our lives. 

Hailing from the distant planet of Cybertron vessels of immortal good came to our planet calling themselves the Autobots. Led by Optimus Prime in an ongoing struggle with their arch enemies the Decepticons, a galactic band of cosmic terrorists who followed the megalomaniacal command of Megatron. Optimus Prime was the good guy while Megatron was the bad one. Both had their own armies to lead and that simple premise is all it took to make thousands of kids happy. Now I was the kinda kid who didn’t give a flying fuck about cars but once Transformers could turn into mechanic dinosaurs, well then I had to get a few of these things. 

The Inevitable (Commercial) Movie

Transformers were on top of the world and Hasbro was making a fortune. Along with the refugees of Cybertron, their famous G.I. Joe toy line was also raking in the cash. So naturally, they decided to make even more toys! Newer and better ones. They knew this stuff was kiddie cocaine and we were buying it up like little addicts. 

But Hasbro had an ingenious plan, and that’s not sarcasm outta me. Hasbro had their new figures already lined up but in order to introduce them a planned full-length motion picture would reveal consumers to the thrilling new lineup. It was nothing short of an hour and twenty-five -minute long commercial that cost the company a mere five to six million dollars with one goal in mind: sell some damn toys. It was very ambitious of them.

Not only would they be pulling in ticket sells they were very sure kids – having just seen the movie – would rush out of theaters pumped as fuck and begging their parents to rush them to the nearest KB Toys and buy them the newest brand of heroes and villains. Deviously ingenuous!

The plan to part parents from their hard-earned cash was released that August (plenty of time for kids to make out their Christmas demands for Santa) and TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE hit theaters! Just saying those three words together felt like an invocation for greatness. Transformers had all it needed to be a blockbuster masterpiece! 

Featuring cinematic legends like Orsen Wells and Leonard Nimoy in a film with a built-in audience… this had to be something amazing.

For one thing, the movie opens up in one Helluva way. 

We’re introduced to a mysterious floating entity making its way across the cold dark oceans of space. We’re soon to learn this is none other than Unicron, the film’s antagonist and a devastating threat to all life across the galaxy. Right away Unicron targets a peaceful planet of sentient robotic beings and promptly devours this alien world quickly ending the lives of billions. Not a one of them has a hope of escaping the consuming wrath of Unicron.

Now mere seconds before this cataclysm we just saw little robot children horsing around in a robot mall. We’re also shown families all out and about enjoying a typical day. Robots living their best life without a care at all in the whole wide world WHEN OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE the evil Unicron consumes their existence! So right away it gets our attention and we gotta see what happens next. 

I mean a whole planet just died for fuck’s sake. 

One Will Stand. One Will Fall.

The first act reaches peak performance as a thrilling battle between the heroic Autobots and the evil Decepticons erupts. Now, this is what we were all waiting for. Good vs Evil. Pure legend fuel. The Decepticons take advantage of the Autobots’ low-energy source and use it to their dastardly advantage. The battle is on and somehow it feels almost out of place like this is something that should be happening in the final act of the movie instead. 

Anyhow this battle climaxes in a blistering fight between Optimus Prime and the Megatron. The two champions meet together in a final battle that will determine the future of all sentient life. 

Sadly some idiot keeps getting in the way of the fight and you wish the fuckhead would just go away and let these two guys kick ass. Optimus Prime ultimately wins but both opponents are severely damaged. But victory is at hand. 

Megatron is a dirty, rotten bastard though, and takes a cheap shot as one last-ditch effort. Unfortunately, he hits his mark and blasts a crater directly into Optimus Prime’s chest, dealing nothing short of a death blow. Mortally wounded now the leader of the Autobots hangs onto a thread of life, buying precious seconds so that he may pass over the Matrix of Leadership to someone else to lead the Autobots after his passing. Optimus Prime then dies. And, contrary to what I expected, does not get a resurrection. 

In case you didn’t know that happened I’m being serious. The Autobot hero to thousands of kids died on screen and that’s when audiences lost their shit right then and there. Kids panicked, screamed, and left their seats crying their eyes out as they fled up the aisle. Funny how Hasbro didn’t see that one coming.

Now when your target audience is between the ages of 5-9 it’s a fair chance they’ve not been introduced to death yet. Especially not the death of a hero they all looked up to. This was too fatal for them to compute.

Optimus Prime died and the backlash of it rocked the company. Something Hasbro did not foresee happening. To the suits who wanted to sell snot noses more toys they figured the best way to do that was by literally killing off the old ones!

No less than fourteen Transformers are killed in the movie. I mean holy shit! Over a dozen of them die, and some in pretty wild ways. Seriously, Starscream is shot into little pieces that litter the floor. People who mention this movie always talk about losing Optimus Prime but I was shocked to see Ironhide and Starscream go. You have to remember this was before we were given The Death of Superman and was a formula no one was used to yet.

And in the case of Superman, it was announced ahead of time he was going to die. So we expected it to happen and had time to prepare ourselves. In the case of the Transformers, it was just a sudden deathblow to childhood innocence.

I should mention that even though Megatron doesn’t exactly die…or does he? Well, he’s dumped out into space where he won’t survive and finds himself before the hellish audience of Unicron. Unicron changes the leader of the Decepticons in order to preserve Megatron’s existence, but at a dire price. Megatron is transformed (heh no pun intended I guess) into Galvatron and voiced by the one and only Leonard Nimoy (Spock). Yes, it’s cool such a legendary actor voiced him but do you think little kids give a hamster’s shit about that? The voice was way different and Megatron might as well be as dead as Optimus Prime. 

The movie opens with a whole planet dying. Optimus dies. Megatron dies. A whole lot more died as the movie played out. It’s a helluva ride.

So the dust settled and the smoke cleared and Hasbro quickly saw the folly of their ways. Mainly by the moths flittering out of their wallets. I’m sure no one expected to leave that many kids in a state of heartbreak. But the movie was panned by critics and the core audience had zero interest in going back to the movies to watch their heroes get ass fucked to Hell all over again. So the loss was pretty significant. 

Some may note that I purposely mentioned G.I. Joe earlier. Some may not even know there is an animated G.I. Joe movie, and that’s thanks to the failure of Transformers at the box office. Hasbro intended to release the Joes in theaters with a similar business strategy in mind – kill the old to make way for the new. However, the negative feedback from Transformers: The Movie made the Joes do a few reshoots and change a scene that originally had Serpentor (EMPEROR OF COBRA!) throw a snake spear directly into Duke’s heart thusly killing him deader than fuck. The new cut featured Duke – still getting struck in the heart by a freakin’ snake – slipping into a coma. Duke must be one tough son of a bitch to survive something like that. 

Live and learn you could say. The loss of Optimus Prime was a little much for young fans to deal with. As it so happened the following season saw a happy return of the favored Autobot leader. It didn’t matter that the Matric of Leadership was passed down to Rodimus Prime. Kids wanted Optimus back. And as penance Hasbro complied and returned him. Let that be a lesson to them!

Final Thoughts

Truth be told I really enjoy the movie for what it is. I love that it’s a something of a time capsule of yesteryear and feels far more like a genuine Transformers film than the live-action treatments. The main complaint of the Bay movies is how much focus is on the human characters instead of the titular heroes. That’s not the same for the animated film which focuses wholly on the Transformers. The movie takes us on an adventure across space and over alien planets as the battle to stop Unicron rages. 

Unicron, voiced by Orson Wells (isn’t that amazing?), is a very fitting enemy and looms grimly throughout the film and serves as a fitting threat. His inclusion alone gives the movie a more epic feel. Basically, imagine a Death Star that’s self-aware and can transform itself into a gargantuan warlord. He’s that badass!

Easily he’s the best thing introduced in the movie.

Overall I do recommend watching it if for nostalgia alone. It’s a forgotten sci-fi from our childhoods. There’ll be some time off with the holidays on the horizon and that means plenty of time to watch some ol’-time classics. Why not brush off this old tape and give it new viewing? This time of year always has me going back to old cartoons. 

Manic out!