Category Archives: Editorials

Missing the Jim and Pam of Horror

“For a really long time, that’s all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that, I was waiting for my wife.”

The parallels between the goals relationship of Jim Halpert (John Krasinski) and Pam Beesly (Jenna Fischer) from The Office and Ash vs Evil Dead’s Kelly Maxwell (Dana DeLorenzo) and Pablo Simon Bolivar (Ray Santiago) are staggering.

Both had their fair share of flirtation and near misses, laughs, jealousies, and tender moments, and it even took both couples three years to realize that they were perfect for one another. As DeLorenzo told me in an interview before Season 2, “Just make out already!”

The will they / won’t they approach is not a new strategy in television, but damned if they don’t have audiences pining for hook-ups when done correctly. And if we’re honest, what we miss most about the band of merry misfits from both Scranton, Pennsylvania and Elks Grove, Michigan are not Michael Scott (Steve Carell) or Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell), but watching and waiting as relationships we rooted for came to fruition.

Santiago played the role of hopeless romantic (aka Halpert) from the very moment we heard him refer to Kelly in AVED’s pilot episode. “She haunts my dreams. Just kidding. She does, though.” Much like Pam, however, Kelly saw Pablito as a confidant, saying “You’re like a brother, so sweet. How could I ever look at you that way?”

ash-vs-evil-dead-season-3-pablo-ash-kelly-second-coming-finale-2So it went over three seasons and thirty episodes, but glimmers of hope sprang up throughout the journey. Both Kelly and Pablo got a little jelly in bookend seasons, when Heather (Samara Weaving) showed near the conclusion of its initial campaign, and with the emergence of Dalton (Lindsay Ferris) for the Ghostbeaters’ swan song. It’s a sensation that can only be generated when one feels a profound connection to another, whether acted upon or not. But make no mistake, both Kelly and Pablo (much like Jim and Pam) felt their relationship unique, that they belonged to one another, and others were only temporary obstacles delaying the inevitable. Albeit, such sentiments were a bit more overt from the men.

For years we witnessed the pair compliment one another. Kelly made Pablo stronger, and he was the only person who could wear down her hardened exterior to reveal the vulnerability housed within. They supported one another from (kinda sorta) afar, not unlike our favorite pair from Dunder Mifflin, but when the chips were down, they never came out swingin’ as when they felt someone, or something, was messin’ with their person.

CXUKWhen she felt that Ruby (Lucy Lawless) wasn’t being upfront with Ash’s right-hand man, Kelly offered pep talk after pep talk to instill Pablo with confidence and the belief that he was, in fact, her powerful vagina, the El Brujo Especial. And for as lovable and hesitant as Pablo appeared throughout most of the series, those times he stepped up without a second thought, were to protect Maxwell.

Think back to a scene at the Elks Grove Police Department in Season 2 when Chet (Ted Raimi) wondered aloud if Baal (Joel Tobeck) hadn’t actually commandeered Kelly’s body, to which Pablo immediately turned to walk toward Williams’ lifelong pal and said “Hey Ash, I think you need to tell your friend to shut the fuck up!”

While Jim and Pam dealt with other suitors and the jealousies that came with them,  they never endured life-threatening situations, but the nature of the Evil Dead universe — that loved ones die — was what kept the two apart for so long, and ultimately what brought them together.

The enemy for Halpert and Beesly was Pam’s indecisiveness and inability to realize she deserved happiness and to take a chance on something that was only five feet from her her desk. What finally pushed Pablo and Kelly over the finish line was not the idea of losing their person to another, but of losing them entirely. So why the fuck not?

KissWe waited roughly 26 episodes to finally see that kiss DeLorenzo had ranted about the season before when she was unsure that Pablo would emerge from a vision, and was so overwhelmed with emotion she pulled him in to express her true feelings. Pablo hummed when their lips locked, because even a patient man is human. Lest we forget, Kelly blamed Ruby for nearly losing her man and growled “Fuck with my Pablo, fuck with me. And I am done bein’ fucked with, Ruby.”

And when Kelly returned from the rift, Pablito believing her to be dead, tearfully hovered over her body and shared “Descansa en paz, mi amor (Rest in peace, my love).” When Kelly jolted awake, thinking she had to fight her way out of another jam, Pablo grabbed her to ensure that she was safe, and offered a tender kiss to calm her fears. The two locked eyes with a smile, and in that moment, we knew there was no going back. It was official. Though Ash and Brandy (Arielle Carver-O’Neill) laid the final bricks of a joke the show had been building for three years, “Filthy and not fine.”

Kelly and Pablo made us laugh, they made us cry, they made us yearn for two people who didn’t even exist to get together, because truth be told, there simply aren’t many horror couples that stand out, and damn it, we wanted this one. They began as friends, knowing and trusting one another completely. They cared for one another, they supported one another, and they challenged the other to be the best versions of themselves. In the end, that’s what true partners do.

The magical nature of their on-screen relationship was not lost on Santiago, who took to Instagram after the series finale to say “…my love for [DeLorenzo] and everything you brought to the table will never die. Always a semi in my pants for #Kelly Maxwell!”

Though we won’t be lucky enough to see where Kelly and Pablo progressed from their own version of popping in to interrupt an interview with “OK…it’s a date,” we’d seen enough to know that Pam’s words rang true.

“When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.”

Stand-up

Dear Mr. Peanut, Where Are My Planters Cheez Balls?

It’s as if for years, I’ve wished and prayed to countless Foodie Gods for the return of my favorite childhood snack only to have it dangled in my face and then ripped away like some cruel joke.

Why you do this to me?

dami.gif

Last month, I spread the joyful gospel from Mr. Peanut himself about the wonderful, and HIGHLY ANTICIPATED return of one of the greatest snacks from our youths- the greasy, and delectable Planters Cheez Ball! Of course, much like with the limited run of the 2016 Ecto Cooler, it wasn’t readily available anywhere and with that Ghostbusters Reboot publicity stunt, it took a massive effort to get my hands on some. However, my efforts were not in vain and I did manage to enjoy that concentrated childhood relic. Now in the matter of the mighty Cheez Ball that many have attempted to duplicate, and never come close, it seems as if I’ve been duped entirely.

As reported from the Planters website on the whereabouts of said Cheez Balls, there were to be available July 1st at select Wal-Mart stores and through Amazon Prime Pantry. Albeit, you had to buy a case of 12 from Amazon if you went that route, but at $24 for a bundle of twelve, it wasn’t a rip-off and seemed like a good investment for a family of four. Bonus, the spawns would have a treat in their school lunch bags for the next few months. Anyways, with a guaranteed delivery date of July 18th, I patiently awaited once again the joys of orange, dusty fingertips only to be greeted with a dreaded message from Amazon that my order would not be fulfilled with no explanation other than it was not available at this time.

And I’m kind of pissed off about that, Mr. Peanut. Also, you’ve managed to enrage an entire consumer base who had the same experience as yours truly here.

Image result for pissed off gif

 

So what exactly happened here? I’ve made several attempts of reaching out to Planters to get some kind of answer, coming up with nothing but silence from the beloved monocle-wearing mascot that promised cheezy goodness and came up, well, kind of short. It may be the company itself didn’t realize the demand of these suckers and just couldn’t supply enough for consumer needs. However, I have a hard time being convinced this is the case. Seeing as how petitions have been flying all over the interwebs for years clamoring for the snack’s return. I also don’t want to believe this was some sort of PR stunt to get everyone excited only to blue-ball most of America with an extremely limited supply. because really, if you’re searching at Wal-Mart, chances are you’re probably not going to find that wonderful endcap unless you’re extremely lucky and happen to live in the ONE area of your state that is carrying them. In which case, consider yourself blessed. Because the rest of us are totally jonesing over here like a crack-fiend unable to get a fix.

While I’ve yet to get an answer from Planters on whether I’ll actually ever see a delivery or any future plans of bringing these suckers back permanently so we can ALL get a taste of childhood once again, I’ve taste-tested a variety of cheese balls in order to find the closest taste to that wonderful Planters brand. The answer guys are HERRS Cheese Balls. Right hand to the Foodie Gods, these little balls of sunshine are about the closest I’ve ever tasted to the Planters ball of glory. So, if you’re hankering for a decent Cheese Ball, Herrs is the way to go.

In the meantime, I still sit and wait for an answer Mr. Peanut. We’re all waiting.

Old School Kaiju Fans Rejoice! Newest ‘GODZILLA: King of the Monsters’ Trailer and Images Reveal Some Titanic Icons!

When I was like three or four my Granny sewed together a hand-made Godzilla suit. It was AWESOME too! It had dorsal spines and a tail that swayed back and forth with perfect balance as my unsullied imagination took me to far off places where I truly became one with the Kaiju, the very embodiment of Godzilla himself. And it was up to me to battle the three-headed terror from Outer Space, King Ghidorah.

Godzilla Wikia.jpg

Godzilla is probably my very earliest (and certainly among my fondest) memories and was my introduction to the roaring world of monsters! I couldn’t get enough. One Christmas all I asked Santa for was Godzilla movies! I squealed like a maniac when I unwrapped the colorful packaging and pulled away the shoe-box lid (because Santa back in Minford, Ohio was just that kind of classy) and saw Godzilla vs Mecha Godzilla AND Godzilla vs Monster Zero! I still own those tapes today, and they continually remind me of happier days.

Gojirapedia.jpg

 

I never thought I would get a good modernized Godzilla film. So in 1998, I had my ticket bought and my butt in a seat just dying with anticipation to see a new Godzilla movie…then walked away feeling kicked in the butt. That was not Godzilla, and fuck if we didn’t all know that.

Honestly, didn’t look like we would ever see a modern Godzilla film.

Old School Kaiju Fans Rejoice! Newest 'GODZILLA: King of the Monsters' Trailer Reveals Some Titanic Icons!
image via ComicBook

Then in 2014, Gareth Edwards (dir. Monsters) made the impossible possible! Godzilla, the true-to-life Godzilla we were waiting for, came alive! I loved the movie. Still, though, I was missing my Mothra and Rodan. However, I hoped they may show up in future movies.

You know what? Sometimes life doesn’t suck so bad. It’s those little things that make us smile, and we’re getting one of those moments next May. Michael Dougherty (dir. Trick ‘r Treat, Krampus) is giving fans what we want. He’s bringing the monsters we grew up with to the screen like we’ve never seen before. Dougherty seems like one of us. Judging by his track record I get a feeling he grew up just like we did, watching and loving the same things that made us clap and squeal. So this Godzilla sequel feels more and more like a film made by a fan for the fans of yesteryear.

ComicBook 2
image via ComicBook

Next year Godzilla will be joined by Mothra (Eeeeeeeee!), Rodan, and the4 chiefest of all Godzilla’s deadliest foes, King Ghidorah!

I can hardly believe it. Today the latest trailer dropped and we caught glimpses of these beautiful colossi.

Dark Horizons
image via Dark Horizons

All I can say is this looks like it’ll be a battle of the titans that will bring down mountains. And I can’t wait to relive a little bit of my childhood next May.

Thanks for always checking with us for those warm feelings of yesteryear as we look forward to the future.

Manic, out.