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Editorials

T-U-R-T-L-E POWER! The Everlasting Nostalgia of the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie

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The date was March 30th, 1990 and nothing, I MEAN NOTHING could have prepared us for the now nostalgic national treasure of the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES movie. With Turtle Mania running hot via the hit animated series, it was the event of the year for pretty much everyone in my age group and beyond. I was seven at the time and a huge fan of the series. I don’t remember a whole lot at this age, but I do remember going to the theater with my dad to see this and oh man… it really was an event for us kids. We were getting a live-action Ninja Turtle movie, y’all. This was better than the Good Humor truck breaking down in front of my house.

The lights dimmed and after a few trailers I don’t even remember because I was too damn excited, we opened up to the skyline of New York City (which greatly pleased my NY-bred father) with April O’Neil dubbing over scenes of young boys with the Foot robbing people blind; along with a brief shot of what we all knew was Shredder’s hand. It was already fucking amazing.

I was already sold and then this happened.

The theater was jam-packed as it was opening weekend Saturday and as someone who was there, I can validate we all collectively lost our shit when after the title credits when they hit the screen. That music started popping and it was all over from there. We were hooked in for a ride that we never wanted to get off from and are still enjoying it well over 30 years later.

There’s just so much to love about this movie paired with a massive load of nostalgia that comes with a viewing, so I’ll try to keep it light without boring you to death. Beyond the obvious wonderful things about TMNT 1990 like Casey Jones and the Jim Henson magic of the Turtles, let’s talk about some minor stuff that gets overlooked that warm all my nostalgic fuzzies and help make this film a nostalgic masterpiece.

That being said, we gotta talk about one of the reasons why this TMNT movie, in particular, is the best- Raphael’s glorious dirty fuckin’ mouth.

Fuck Yeah, Ralph

Before the opening scenes seen above, our hot-headed teenage turtle mutters DAMN and repeats it several times throughout the film with an added Bitchin’ at the film’s end. Honestly, this seems really petty as an adult but in 1990, it was a damn big deal. It was really cool for us kids to see our green machine heroes swear, albeit still PG words but radical nonetheless. However, this paired with the more serious dark tone and use of weapons upset parents because, spoiler alert-people have always been offended by something- and our heroes in a half-shell were toned down immensely for the sequel the following year. I don’t know if anyone ever noticed that in Secret of the Ooze, the turtles do way more hand-to-hand combat rather than relying on their trusty signature weapons of choice, but it’s worth mentioning since that’s the result of pearl-clutching parents of the ’90s.

Fast Food Cameos

Just look at that delightful whopping boxing folks. It’s the little things like this that make the world a better place.

Watching the movie now at 40, it’s fun to see all the retro commercial products inserted for possible material gains like Domino’s and Burger King. Of course, pizza promotions had to be somewhere in this movie, as we all know pizza is GOD to our fab four. Domino’s went pretty heavy in the movie for product placement, but do you remember Pizza Hut had a commercial on the original VHS release right before the movie started? I always found it odd that the rival pizza chains both had a hand in this film, but anyway, here’s a refresher in case memory doesn’t serve you well!

With the huge success of the movie, both Burger King and Pizza Hut went on to do a myriad of promotions within the fast food chains, including BK teaming up with F.H.E to release VHS tapes of the animated series at their restaurants.

Bonus points if you still have yours!

Raphael Meets The Krites

“Where do they come up with this stuff?!”

Just a shameless promotion from New Line for their 1986 film Critters that makes a cameo, but again, it’s the little things like this that have made me fall in love with this movie over and over again. A supposed family-friendly film with a cameo for a horror movie featuring carnivorous little aliens.

Fantastic.

Baby Sam Rockwell

Ahh yes. The Academy Award-winning actor Sam Rockwell played the head thug at the Foot Clan’s hideout. Albeit not his first film, he did appear in the highly controversial Clownhouse a year before, but it’s always nice to know where his adept villainous streak started. Rockwell is great at playing an asshole and let’s face it- anyone happy to keep poor Splinter hung up in a dank smelly hideaway is a pure prick in my book. Just a little tidbit from a superb actor that made us hate the Foot even more.

The VHS Release

October 4, 1990, was the date of infamy when the movie was released nationwide to video stores partnered with Family Home Entertainment and we all ran like there was, a lack of a better phrase, a turtle peeping out our buttholes to the closest retailer to pick up our copy of the film of our generation. Everyone had a copy within the first week and could be seen in every 90s kids’ home for years to come. It was a rite of our passage and youth to have this in our possession, and a beautiful nostalgic revisit as an adult.

While the VHS is indeed our gold standard for nostalgic purposes, Umbrella Entertainment released a special Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Stink-O-Vision Version Blu-Ray jam-packed with fun for your senses to revisit the movie like nothing ever before. The pack comes with scent cards accompanied with a menu of dank and delicious bespoke scents from Scented Storytelling to enhance the film’s stinkiest moments. Simply scratch the corresponding number on your scent card when the icon flashes on the screen and join Raphael, Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello as they fight to become the city’s greatest mutant crimefighters and take down the nefarious Shredder. 

PICK UP YOUR COPY FROM AMAZON FOR ONLY $26.95!

All that being said, I’ll just leave it here with one of the most important life lessons we took from this movie…

Editorials

Thoughts Concerning the Upcoming He-Man and Masters of the Universe Movie!

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Grab your sword and shield, find a jungle cat to throw a saddle on, and you bet your ass it’s time to brandish the coveted powers of Grayskull because we’re going back to Eternia, and I couldn’t be happier! Due to my restless obsessing over MOTU and, to my endless glee, foolhardily giving me a platform to express said obsessions on as much as I want, I’ve spent weeks of my life feverishly writing articles (and hardcore essays) on He-Man and his eternal battle against the best villain ever created, Skeletor. Coincidentally I’ve come to be known (for better or worse) as the Master of the Universe guy around here at Nightmare Nostalgia – a title I wear proud as pearls – and as it so happens a brand-new fancy-ass movie is in the works, and I’ve been asked to share my humblest of thoughts concerning it.

Oh, believe me, I have thoughts a plenty concerning this ambitious project so let’s get right to it and talk about He-Man’s most dangerous adventure yet – walking down the red carpet and up to the silver screen …. again. Sigh hopefully, this second time around doesn’t suck for him.   

Remember the ‘80s?

The decade is practically mythic at this point. An age fraught with peril and forged under the neon heat of Cold War threats. Us kids had no clue how imminent the end of the world was though because we had toys, sugary cereals, and Saturday morning cartoons to keep us focused on how great life really was. And oh my God the only thing better than playing with our favorite toys and watching them on TV was seeing them turned into big-budget action films and hitting a theater near you to flambee our little brains!

Of course, they made a He-Man movie! Kinda a no-brainer when you think about it. We weren’t all that far away from Return of the Jedi or Conan the Destroyer so there was a definite market for space barbarian fantasy at the time, a thing only He-Man could masterfully fulfill. I remember how excited we all got when they first announced the project. Images of swords and sorcery assailed our imaginations as we imagined how epic this hallowed-be-thy-name project had to be. Then the actual movie was released.

If I sat here talking about how great the actual movie was you all would have every right to beat me over the head with a dead trout. We all know the movie sucked. It did, it sucked hard too, even if I always have kinda liked it. I get the fact the movie isn’t just bad. It’s rotten rat-ass bad!

I’m sure when we all thought of a He-Man movie, we couldn’t wait to watch a film more focused on Courtney Cocks than the mysteries of the Power Sword. And if you’re just now scratching your head wondering what the bull-fucking Hell Courtney Cocks has to do with MOTU you’re not alone. Is she an Eternian? Is she part of the Masters? Is she a secret weapon that alone can save the universe? Oh hell no, she’s just some Southern California teenager. She lost her parents in a plane crash or something like that and since we’re watching a MOTU movie no one gives a shit about it. It’s like a whole other movie, some teenage drama, is fist fucked into what should’ve been the stand-out fantasy epic of our lifetime.

What should’ve been a huge adventure across Eternia instead turned out to be more focused on He-Man and the Masters hiding out on planet Earth where (discount-Orco) Gwildor dresses up like an idiot, the Masters eat a bucket of barbeque ribs and at some point, try to communicate with a cow.

Someone also thought it would be super cool to watch Temu Stormtroopers hovering around Mainstreet Americana with He-Man clumsily flailing his sword around swatting them off like obnoxious flies. Skeletor ends up on Earth too and instead of taking over the White House (you know something cool) he gets his maguffin and goes back to Eternia. Everything to do with Earth is entirely pointless! What the fucking Hell were we watching? What were the filmmakers huffing while making this atrocity?

Did anyone want to see He-Man on Earth? No! Did we need to be on Earth to identify with the characters? Of course not! We wanted nothing more than a hellfire action film featuring our favorite heroes and villains battling it out in a fight to the death over the fate of the universe and preferably in the center of Grayskull itself. We had an opportunity to see Eternia brought to life in a cinematic spectacle that should’ve knocked our teeth out and left us begging for more. Instead, people were just begging for it to be over.

Today the movie’s reached a beloved cult status and is appreciated for what it is – a silly ‘80s fantasy flick that fits alongside Legend or the Dark Crystal. Is it a good He-Man movie though? No, it’s not. It is a very good Skeletor movie with Frank Langella dominating the role with monstrous flair. Watch the movie for Skeletor alone I say. Nevertheless, fans were left disappointed, and it seemed as if any hope to ever see a proper He-Man movie was dashed against the rocks.

The movie was so bad that many blame it for the sad decline of the toy sales thus ending MOTU if only for a brief season. Personally, I feel like it had a heavy hand to play in the decline, but I also think some heroes in a half shell also had a little something to do with it too once their toys hit store shelves.

But Manic, I hear you lament, why are you so hung up on rehashing the failures of a past movie? Shouldn’t you just shut the fuck up and let this new project stand on its own feet, you say. You would otherwise be correct to make such an assessment, but I bring up the failures of the Canon film because it would seem no one learned a whole fat load of anything from history,

That being said, no one wants to see He-Man on Earth ever again. Not only is it rumored He-Man will be on Planet Earth (again), but he’ll be stuck working an office job…. oh God why? Why, why, why? Who thinks that’s a good idea? Who do they think wants to see Prince Adam working a desk job?

Recently leaked photos all but confirm those rumors too.

Maybe the Earth scenes are the result of evil magic. Like maybe it’s in Adam’s head and he needs to break free from the illusion? Maybe once he touches the Power Sword the evil spell is broken? Yeah, that’s really stupid I know but no stupider than having He-Man working an office job on fucking Earth! Why are they doing this? It feels like Kryptonite to this movie’s success, and I really don’t feel like seeing history repeating itself.

Time For Redemption

Today we’ve witnessed redemption stories for dead movie adaptations. Previously failed cinematic adventures can now be retooled with the proper respect and love for both the characters and properties and turned into billion-dollar success stories. Super Mario Bros. is a great example of how a movie’s first cinematic flop can be redeemed. That live-action Mario movie was awful, and I was one of those giddy kids sitting at the theater when it first premiered only to be crushed by what I saw. Before Universal Pictures dared return to the Mushroom Kingdom did anyone think a Mario movie could work? And yet it did and was a massive success. It won our hearts over and made us relive some great NES nostalgia.

Another great example of a property rising from failure to success is Dungeons and Dragons. Honestly, I dare you to go back and watch the 1999 D&D movie. I double-dog dare you! It’s worse, so much worse than I even remembered. And then just like a nat-20 roll Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves was nothing short of a Critical Success! The same could easily be true for MOTU.  Do it right and the fans will support the movie. It’s not complicated.

Today filmmakers can bring projects like Avatar or The Lord of the Rings to thrilling life. The special effects of today can absolutely bring Eternia to life in ways Canon could only dream of back in the ‘80s. Langella was stuck performing behind some questionable prosthetics but still mastered the role as the Lord of Destruction. Today they can make Skeletor look like a demonic overlord hellbent on conquering the universe while remaining faithful to the classic look we all love.

Special effects artists have the unique opportunity to bring these larger-than-life characters to the big screen! Think of it – Battlecat, Panthor, and Orko all have a chance to thrive at last whereas before there was no way to add them in any live-action attempt. Bottomline there’s no excuse for this movie to fail.

Casting Choices and Concerns

So far, I’ve been impressed with the casting choices. I mean so far, I’m not all worked up by any of their decisions. Hollywood is notorious for miscasting people all the damn time, but this time around we might be ok.  I mean I like seeing the actors hitting the gym to get buffed up for their respected roles. That’s what we need out of them. They need to fill in the armor and loincloths after all.

But what about Jared Leto, I hear some of you ask. I don’t have any issue with Jared Leto’s involvement honestly. Yeah, he was in some shitty movies, but he’s also been in some fan favorites too. He was in Fight Club and American Psycho to name a couple. Not to mention Leto does look like a cool Keldor.

People love pointing to Moebius to rip on the guy, but I argue nobody could save that movie no matter who was cast for the part. The movie was a shit puddle. People also love to criticize his Joker role but then Leto turned around and gave us a chilling portrayal of Joker in the epilogue of Snyder’s Justice League and people sang his praises. Point being give him a chance.

I remember when the internet lost its shit over Heath Ledger being cast as Joker in Nolan’s The Dark Knight. Oh, don’t act like you didn’t bitch about it because we all did. I bitched the loudest…and then I had to eat crow.  It’s easy to get wrapped up in internet raging is all I’m saying.

You can tell I’m trying to be hopeful here. I want to like this movie. I want to love this movie! I’ll make a promise right now that if this movie’s good I’ll go see it every single week it plays at the theater. I’m dead serious. Give me a good MOTU movie and I’ll see it as often as possible. Make a great movie and I’ll watch it multiple times in the same day.

That Earth crap though already gives the movie a huge obstacle to overcome.

Having said all that if, and I mean a big if, we get Earth out of the way early on and the rest of the movie is totally on Eternia toting us across both Grayskull and Snake Mountain and with the Masters at war against the evil forces of Skeletor maybe, just maybe, all the action and excitement can wash away Earth’s hideous taint.

We will see. As it stands now the movie already has that working strongly against it. So, if the movie manages to excel despite all of that it’ll prove its merit.

Look, MOTU isn’t hard to make work. It’s brimming with adventure, fantasy, whimsy, magic, romance, and a clear moral tale about good vs evil. It’s everything the human soul thrives on for inspiration. It’s how a simple toy line has stayed alive (off and on granted) for 40 years. It’s gone beyond a nostalgia trip back to the past. The lore continues to reinvent itself and find new fans across every generation. It’s because it speaks to us all. Horror, monsters, dragons, demons – lightness and comedy with bumbling wizards and yet galaxy-binding sorcery. MOTU is brimming with inspiration.

So good luck to everyone involved with this upcoming project. I have faith that it could be awesome.

If nothing else maybe it’ll be reason enough for a MOTU game to finally be released with all the hype now surrounding the movie. Come on, make a video game happen for crying out loud!

Manic out!

Editorials

The 80s Was The Greatest Decade For Christmas And Here’s Why

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Since the season beckons for it, I’ve been reminiscing about my childhood Christmases, and I might be biased because of my age- but they seemed pretty perfect. When thinking about it, I find myself transported to Christmas as a kid in the 80s and remember sitting on my knees at our bulky coffee table, marker in hand ready to do some damage, and making my list after browsing fat-ass Wish catalogs while watching commercials that tempted the WWF Wrestling Buddy out of me during Saturday morning cartoons. Christmas morning would come and finding those chocolate coins in my stocking brought such a shitfaced grin. Then unveiling your most sought-after toy or something such as a Nintendo Entertainment System with a side of ZELDA was like the ultimate high.

I was pretty stoned off this Punky Brewster doll in 1986.

Because I’ve lived through four decades of holiday seasons and have witnessed the change in attitude and structure throughout the years, I can confidently say that the 80s were PEAK times for Christmas. And well, Halloween too, but that’s another rant. Sometimes bigger isn’t always better. With the massive commercialism consuming the holiday at its core, today’s Christmas seems rushed through with little to no thought as we’ve become the generation of RIGHT NOW instead of building to the anticipation of the big day. Don’t get me wrong; I’m well aware the 80s were FILLED to the brim of Christmas consumer greed and commercialism. As a matter of fact, that’s pretty much where it started.

Let’s just blame it on The Cabbage Patch Riots.

Even with the birth of a yearly MUST HAVE TOY and what really became BLACK FRIDAY in the 80s, it to me seemed like a much more joyous time when it was not only more wholesome, but magical at that.

Christmas TV Specials

Christmas on the boob tube always was a whole event back in the 80s. Because of destination television and the lack of the internet, we had to wait with patience for these things to show up. I can distinctly remember having to check the TV Guide to make sure you didn’t miss A Christmas Toy. Garfield’s Christmas, The Muppets Family Christmas, etc, and the slew of Holiday specials that were vomited off into our eye sockets throughout the month of December. But what was really nice, was the whole family would watch them together, often with eggnog or hot cocoa. On top of such, every sitcom on television had its own Christmas special as well. From The Chipmunks to He-Man, they went hard as fuck to really drum up the Christmas spirit, and it’s why they remain a beloved tradition for many to this day. I mean, come on, would you rather watch Pee Wee and Grace Jones get into the Yuletide spirit, or one of the 500 Hallmark Christmas movies streaming services have put out over the last few years?

The 80s had The BEST Christmas Movies

I honestly don’t think there’s another decade that spawned a slew of Christmas films that have become modern treasured traditions than 80s holiday flicks. That might have something to do with Christmas movies of the 80s rearing into non-traditional genres like horror and comedy rather than just family-friendly, making it more appealing to wider audiences. Films like GREMLINS, NATIONAL LAMPOONS CHRISTMAS VACATION, and SCROOGED are absolutely necessary to watch, and it’s just not Christmas without a full 24 hours of watching Ralphie shoot his eye out over and over again in A CHRISTMAS STORY now, is it?

Know what I mean, Vern?

Christmas Began AFTER Thanksgiving

Listen, I put up my tree and outdoor lights before Thanksgiving too, but I also keep the Fall theme going in my home until the Friday after Turkey Day. When I was growing up, Christmas wasn’t shoved in our faces as soon as September, like it is now. The emergence of the evil one, Mariah Carey, and seeing the stores being taken over with glittery merchandise before Halloween even has a fucking chance to get some steam going, ruins it for me, and many others. Seeing Halloween blow molds being tarnished with dangled mistletoe hanging above them just sets me the fuck off. It just turns any excitement I have for the holidays into full-blown dread.

Instead of Amazon, We Had Wish Catalogs

To be fair, mailer catalogs still exist today, however, beyond schoolyard chatter and Saturday morning, circulars and wish books like this were our go-to for compiling our perfect Xmas list.  I would peruse these things for hours, circling and folding the corners of the pages before changing my mind several times on different items and then handing them to my parents for reference. It was just much more exciting than scrolling and one-click buying.

Or We Exclusively Had Mall Shopping

A lot of your December was spent in indoor Malls, finding that perfect gift you spotted in one of those Christmas catalogs. And that was mostly OK because, it was a whole damn event and the mall was always decked to the absolute nine in Christmas decor with Santa right in the middle of all of it ready to take pictures with the mile-long line of children waiting.

Christmas Decorations Just Looked Nicer

A Patti PaulterGeist XMAS circa 1985

Completely asymmetric. Covered with tinsel and glass ornaments. Furnished with colorful giant light bulbs. Christmas trees had a special feel to it up until the 90s where they started becoming more “sleek” per se. A great 80s Xmas tree had a hodgepodge of ornaments that ranged from glass to satin balls like these bastards right here.

Oh, and sparkle. LOTS OF TACKY TINSEL SPARKLE that would make an entire mess and get stuck in the shag carpet. Or in between your poor cat’s teeth.

And then, of course, there were the big old-fashioned family get-togethers that have sort of become passé as time went on, and the internet allowed people to just connect with family day to day throughout the year more easily. Personally, my family has never broken that tradition because Christmas Eve is the night of our great Italian fish and pasta feast and the night where no matter how pissed off cousin Tony is at Uncle Pasquale, that shit is squashed in honor of Clams Oreganata. Yeah, and I guess Christmas as well. As long as I got that badass Rancor Monster from Star Wars, thank you very much.

Actual shot of me and my grandfather, Christmas 1984.

The times just seemed more meaningful back then. We were made to slow down and wrap ourselves in the very thing the holidays are supposed to make us feel — joy. Nowadays, we’re just rushing around like chickens with our heads cut off just trying to keep up with everyone or the Jones’ next door for the sake of social media likes and clout. We all know at least one person who does it. Now, instead of pure joy and warmth, it’s just headaches and nostalgia for how it used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy Christmas as much as the next person- as long as I have my Ibuprofen handy.