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QUINTESSENTIAL QUINTUPLETS: CARPENTER CHARACTERS

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Welcome to 2023, Nostalgia Nuggets! It’s my New Year’s resolution to write more, so the curtain shall rise on a fresh top five from a new horror(ish) category every Sunday beginning right now. So, if you’d be so kind, come with me for a minute.

I am fully prepared for the crucifixions to come, beginning with this inaugural list you’ll be dissecting momentarily. But before we begin, just know two things:

First, I love alliteration (and JAWS) so for a serial that deals in fives the title and image just made sense. Second, though this piece pertains to characters from John Carpenter movies, I’d be remiss if I neglect to mention Debra Hill because without Debra Hill, there would be no John Carpenter.

Now, if you don’t mind, let’s dig in because “I’d rather not spend the rest of this winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!”

5 — NAPOLEON WILSON (DARWIN JOSTON) — ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (1976)

Napoleon Wilson’s reputation preceded him. It was never specified what put him on death row, but it was clear that the mere mention of his name struck fear into the hearts of criminals and cops alike. Mysterious yet honorable with a dry sense of humor that pulled you in whether you liked it or not, Darwin Joston ATE as Napoleon Wilson. The man may have been a killer, but he had a code: give respect, get respect. Clearly disarmed when Bishop (Austin Stoker) apologized for not having a smoke, Wilson demonstrated courageous dedication to both the makeshift leader of Precinct 13 and Leigh (Laurie Zimmer), who finally provided Wilson with that long-awaited smoke. It was a loyalty that belied desire for pleasure or escape, because it was about the two things a man should never run from — and those two things landed Wilson on this list.

4 — DR. SAM LOOMIS (DONALD PLEASENCE) — HALLOWEEN (1978)

“I met him, 15 years ago; I was told there was nothing left; no reason, no conscience, no understanding in even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, of good or evil, right or wrong. I met this… six-year-old child with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and… the blackest eyes – the Devil’s eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up, because I realized that what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply… evil.”

Some might call it fancy talk, but this single moment encapsulated Loomis’ obsession, the driving force behind one of the finest films (and performances) in horror history.

3 — R.J. MacREADY (KURT RUSSELL) — THE THING (1982)

A former Vietnam helicopter pilot and functioning alcoholic who needed to get away from the world — only a little further than most. Mac just wanted to avoid whiteouts and sip J&B in his annexed shack outside Outpost 31 in Antarctica, but after setting out to “save those crazy Swedes” — one of whom shot Mac’s crew mate — strange discoveries began weighing on MacReady’s mind. When it becomes clear that an alien is targeting the camp to mimic and survive, Mac assumes the role of reluctant leader to a crew descending into desperation and distrust. In a stellar ensemble cast, Russell shines as the would-be hero in the wrong place at the right time.

2 — LAURIE STRODE (JAMIE LEE CURTIS) — HALLOWEEN (1978)

“Who needs books?” We thought we were getting to know Lynda when P.J. Soles delivered that dialogue, but in a way she was describing Laurie: never judge a book by its cover. Audiences were led to believe that Strode was apprehensive and meek, but nothing could have been further from the truth. When the chips were on the table, the old Girl Scout not only protected the children under her care but outfought and out-thought the Boogeyman. In the process Laurie Strode became the blueprint by which all horror heroines are judged. As James Jude Courtney, Blumhouse’s Michael Myers has said, Jamie Lee Curtis is “the poster child for an empowered woman”, and has silver on lock.

1 — THE SHAPE (NICK CASTLE) — HALLOWEEN (1978)

We weren’t given much. Michael Myers stabbed his sister to death on Halloween night in 1963, spent the next 15 years at the Smith’s Grove Sanitarium waiting for a silent alarm to trigger him off, and apparently he could drive. But the absence of background and development was why we were fascinated in 1978 and remain so today. In the Haddonfield created by Carpenter (and Hill), evil was a force of nature. Forever lurking. Everywhere. Unstoppable. As a fleshed out character, The Shape has no business on this list let alone topping it, but 44 years after The Babysitter Murders we remain fascinated–nay, obsessed–with a character who has come to define the genre.

Agree? Disagree? Who’d we miss? The floor is open for debate, but know this: my original intent was to drop five characters from five different flicks. However, there was no way I could justify abandoning one of the immortal classic’s three titans.

Till next week…ta-ta.

Lists

5 Films That Totally Qualify As Christmas Movies

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Sometimes the greatest Christmas movies are ones that don’t really center around the jolly fat man or the holiday spirit entirely. Various instances in film have given us the Christmas theme in the background like a New York City cop fighting terrorists during a big Office Christmas party. Or perhaps an army of Gremlins terrorizing a town on Christmas Eve. I’m not even sure why movies like Die Hard or Gremlins are ever up for debate as far as labeling them as Holiday films; because they 100 % ARE an undeniable fact at that. However, there are some true greats I’ve seen that could totally qualify as Christmas movies right alongside that of Stripe and John McLane and it is my mission to stamp a Santa hat-wearing Sico the Robot as a cinematic staple of the holiday season.

HOOK

Bangarang indeed that Hook is undeniably a Christmas movie. I guess maybe with the late, great Robin Williams’ larger-than-life persona, one could easily forget they’re actually watching a loosely based “Peter Pan” version of Charles Dickens’ “The Christmas Carol”.

Before Peter Banning is bustled off to Neverland to save his kids from the dastardly Hook, Peter and his family arrive in London at Granny Wendy’s home is decked out to the nine in Christmas decor with the score of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” playing in the background. After Peter remembers his origins, defeats Captain Hook (Dustin Hoffman), and returns to London with his children, he wakes up in the snow a changed man, grateful to be reunited with his family and determined not to miss another important moment. This, in my mind, mirrors the feel of Ebenezer Scrooge’s newfound grateful attitude and that power/money is trivial; thus reminding us to cherish the time we have we our loved ones. It’s a magical film that represents all the child-like wonder that is felt during the season and was actually released in December of 1991. So I can’t see this as anything but, a Peter Pan holiday movie.

Rocky IV

I’m probably going to hear a barrage of complaints that the national treasure that is Rocky IV is nowhere near a Christmas movie. Lemme stop you right there because you’re wrong and get off my blog right now.

Ok, I’ve gone too far. I apologize, but my feelings are pretty strong on this one.

Case in point: The film’s final fight between Ivan Drago and Rocky takes place on the 25th of December, Christmas Day, in Ivan Drago’s less-than-hospitable home of Russia for 15 rounds of revenge boxing. Let’s be realistic here; my own Italian family has taught me that there is nothing that says Christmas more than two grown men beating the ever-loving shit out of one another. While in my case, it’s usually over something petty, unlike the premise in this film, but eh- close enough.

One of the most tender, feel-good moments of the movie is during the snowy backdrop of the bleak atmosphere of Krasnogourbinsk, Russia where Rocky has just finished one of his many mountain man runs. Rocky is reunited with Adrian in order to give him the final push he needs to avenge the death of his fallen friend. Proving that Christmas time is indeed a magical time to set aside our feelings and be goddamn supportive of one another- even if it is vengeful.

Edward Scissorhands

The Tim Burton Frankenstein/ Grinch hybrid of a yes, Christmas movie has all the makings for a classic tale of that one socially awkward member of the extended family trying their best to fit in at Christmastime while simultaneously not trying to have a nervous breakdown.

I can relate all too well.

Family and love are two biggies you will find in any traditional Christmas movie, and you’ll find that among the madness here in Edward Scissorhands. The Frankenstein of suburbia has been taken off his Grinch’s mountain by the neighborhood Avon lady in an act of, what she thinks is kindness. Which would most certainly be the case in most situations, but not here I guess as, in the end, he is chased back into his safe space lair to live out the rest of his days where he belongs- unjudged.

While the Christmas scenery doesn’t arrive until the last 30 minutes of the film, the spirit of “kindness” and treating others with humility is most certainly holiday-themed exploitation that would not garner as much effect if the holiday season wasn’t present as in the rest of the movie. The Boggs try their damnedest to make Edward feel like one of the family and community, with daughter Kim eventually finding her once disgust towards Edward turning into love and understanding. In the first and second half of the film, Edward is fairly accepted and treated with admiration- even if some of it is pure curiosity and exploitation at some points. It isn’t until the Christmas season that he is demonized by the neighborhood. The juxtaposition of these themes is a major driving point for the movie’s plot: that even in the season of goodwill we can forget to treat others, especially those less fortunate, with grace, understanding, and love. Pretty much like Frankenstein and the Grinch here.

Ahh well, just a reminder that when it snows on Christmas, we know Edward is still around.

Lethal Weapon

Die Hard gets all the Christmas Action Movie glory, but credit where it’s due: Lethal Weapon came out a year earlier and is absolutely a goddamn Christmas movie. Oh and psst, a better one at that.

In the trailer for the 30th-anniversary edition of Die Hard, 20th Century Fox added the tagline, “It’s the greatest Christmas story ever told,” and not only is Lethal Weapon more authentically a Christmas movie in terms of origin, but it offers more of the sweet holiday feelings that Die Hard just never bothers to attempt to engender in the viewer. Between the initial shoot-out at the Christmas Tree Farm and the climatic Busey/Gibson fight on Murtaugh’s festively decorated front lawn, there’s again, another mirroring of a holiday classic- It’s A Wonderful Life.

When you lose important people in your life, you miss them every day. However, there’s no time when that absence is felt more strongly than during Christmas. Christmas can be stressful under the best of circumstances, and for Martin Riggs, the loss of his wife becomes too much to bear. With no family, Riggs contemplates suicide early on but thanks to a new partner and the circumstances surrounding the case they’re working together, Riggs finds a new lease on life echoing that of George Bailey.

I certainly wouldn’t want to live in a world without Martin Riggs, thank you very much- cue that “Jingle Bell Rock”!

Batman Returns

Well, I certainly feel like this is the one alternative Christmas movie I might get the least pushback on. Most people would tend to agree that Batman Returns, while not a traditional Christmas film, still has more than enough of those Christmas aesthetics to qualify as one along with the fact the entire movie is set during the season with Gotham covered in snow and the streets decked out with trees, lights and candy colors. From the red and white of the Penguin’s umbrella to the snow-covered streets of Gotham, the director is dedicated to keeping us steeped in the Christmas spirit. Even Max Schreck’s prototype power plant is all Christmassy, with its red-and-white-striped smokestacks. Speaking of the bastard, with his tousled white hair, red bow tie, and nefarious plans to steal all of the energy from Gotham’s girls and boys, he plays very well as an evil mirror of Santa Claus. How can anyone really deny the Holiday vibin’ here? Yet here we are. Still fighting the good fight to ensure its place among the Hallmark Holiday Movie classics.

Tim Burton’s Batman Returns is a unique film that explores both its heroes and villains deeply as tragic, lonely misfits trying to find meaning during the holidays. Kind of like the “Island of Misfit Toys” in Rudolph but with homicidal tendencies. This movie succeeds on so many levels in invoking the spirit of the holidays in a dark, and gothic way that is unlike any other film on this list.

And maybe, one day Batman Returns will be held in the highest regard as one of the greatest Christmas stories of all time. Because hey, “Things change”.

Lists

Top 5 Unique (And Awesome) Deaths From The “A Nightmare On Elm Street” Franchise

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When it comes to iconic slashers, there really is no one like Freddy who can cleverly dispose of those teenage pesky “piggies”, as he so lovingly refers to his victims. The Nightmare series as a whole is filled to the brim with memorable, bloody-as-hell Freddy Krueger kills; but there are a few in my eyes that stand out among the rest in the extraordinary department of death that lies in the cleverly thought out corner of Krueger’s boiler room.

Throughout the franchise, Krueger plays on his victim’s deepest fears as a final slap, er slash rather, and more so than not, the casualties are unique and even a little artistic in a twisted fuck kind of way. One has to appreciate just how different these death scenes are from any other slasher film of the 80s’ and the originality brought to the table makes for some truly unforgettable scenes from the movies. It’s these types of deaths that have led me to believe that more modern horror franchises like Saw and Final Destination have taken notes from Freddy on how to stand out in a film when tearing someone’s head off their body.

Now reading that you might say, “Holy Mother Amanda, this bitch is one disturbed individual.” This is also fine as I am at peace with this realization I myself made years ago.

Beyond the fact I may think the death scenes in ANOES can be considered poetic art, I think we can all concur to some degree on the point I’m trying to make here. Some of these scenes are just memorable as fuck and absolutely stand out among other kills in the franchise. Note I don’t think these are the OVERALL BEST, but rather the most unique as well stated in the headline. So, enough with the babble; on to my top 5 unique Freddy Krueger kills!

5. Ron Grady

Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

For the Nightmare 2 haters, I just wouldn’t be able to sleep comfortably tonight had I left this little gem out of this list, and here’s why: Ron Grady’s inanimate death may have been basic with a mere grab and slash, but it was the nail-biting tension and Jesse’s transformation that really made his fate a memorable one. Freddy’s face busting out of a scared as hell Jesse Walsh’s chest, a scene that could even rival 1979 Alien‘s chest burster sequence, is truly spectacular to witness and when it’s all over, you have a teary-eyed Jesse in the corner realizing that the Freddy entity has just made him kill his best bud in the film. It’s actually quite tragically sad in a sense when looking at this from Jesse’s mentally strained angle.

Also, the special effects are fun as fuck.

4. Carlos Rodriguez

Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare

 Nails on a chalkboard indeed is the GODDAMN worst; so I can only imagine how the scrapping of Freddy’s glove along the latter could be enough to induce a Scanners-like scenario. Freddy takes advantage of Carlos’ disability and turns the dial up a notch in the audible kill department by dragging him through a dream sequence that suggests our victim had an abusive childhood, which may have ultimately impaired his hearing. The torture continues with Freddy slowly and aggressively working on Carlos’ eardrums until his damn head just explodes.

Carlos always felt like one of the nicest and most likable characters of the entire series; so I always felt a little bad for this guy that was given this drawn-out and seemingly painful death. Still a cool scene tho!

3. Dan Jordan

Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child

The fastest man on three legs really must have pissed Krueger off to get this kind of death. I suppose surviving the Dream Master film has its consequences, eh? The images were so brutal, or I guess too brutal for 1989 ratings, that Dan’s death scene was heavily edited to avoid an X rating from the MMPA. Luckily for us, we have the footage thanks to the fine folks of the Interwebs, as you can see below Dan’s unedited death scene in all its gruesome, twisted Ghost Rider glory. It’s truly BADASS and deserves a lot more credit.

2. Debbie Stevens

Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

Debbie was about as tough as they come as far as potential Freddy foes, but alas, the fear of little roaches was her kryptonite; and Krueger used that to his full advantage ruthlessly. Debbie’s cockroach transformation to this day stands out as one of the godammn raddest excerpts from the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. Slowly succumbing to the insect kingdom, Krueger traps the body-building beauty inside a roach motel, where Debbie ultimately meets her fate. My only gripe beyond this visual excellence is that we never get to really see Debbie at her full potential in a face-off with Krueger. Damn you Katsaridaphobia!

1. Phillip Anderson

Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

I feel like this would be almost unanimous within the Nightmare community in saying Phillip’s death from Dream Warriors was clearly the most unique, and frankly coolest of all the films.

Not only for me personally, was this the most terrifying and original- excuse me, creepy Freddy puppet everyone– of the entire franchise, but it also looks painful AS FUCK! Your tendons used as some twisted marionette show that leads you to a fatal leap off the top floor of Westin Hills- all while your friends are watching nonetheless. The whole scene is just filmed so beautifully and when I think of Dream Warriors, this is the first image that always comes to mind. Phillip being puppeteered through the hospital halls in agonizing pain with a look of absolute terror on his face is downright chilling and most definitely, the most unique way to utilize one of our victim’s hobbies against him.

Honorable Mention: All the kids at Lisa’s pool party

A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

While still to this day, Freddy’s Revenge gets a monumental amount of shit, there’s no denying in a true horror sense that the pool scene in Nightmare 2 is one of the greatest in the franchise-PERIOD. It truly is the only time in the whole franchise we see Freddy go absolutely APESHIT on a bunch of kids and I respect that. Also, I really love to see his uncontrollable rage towards the youth of Springwood. Let us also have a moment of silence for the poor “fucker” that thought it would be a good idea to try and calm Mr. Krueger down.

I’ll never not think that isn’t funny.