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A Thanksgiving Marathon of Muscle: Ranking All Six Original “Rocky” Films!

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One might not at first think to associate the ROCKY films with November. Still, incidentally, the movies have become a month-long tradition for many to help usher in Thanksgiving and the holidays as part of an annual custom alongside things like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, or the faithful viewing of a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. As an Italian-American, films like ROCKY, GOODFELLAS, and THE GODFATHER, were absolute staples around Turkey Day- I can’t explain the latter two for anything other than it’s just a weird Italian thing. However, with ROCKY, the holiday showcased in the first half of the 1976 film which begat the Italian Stallion’s journey toward his future boxing career and most importantly, the love of his life Adrian, is of course, Thanksgiving. The bulk of the films in the series, with the exception of ROCKY III and ROCKY BALBOA, were released theatrically around the Thanksgiving holiday, along with two of three CREED films.

So, yeah. It’s just not Thanksgiving in my mind until I see Paulie being a total dickwad and throwing a cooked bird into an alleyway.

Apart from being a huge horror nerd my whole life, the ROCKY films have served as an old friend of comfort for as long as I can remember. And the answer is yes, I even like the 5th movie. Contrary to a weird stigma, horror fans also like other films, and this is hands down my favorite movie series outside the horror genre. I’m a BALBOA connoisseur if you will, and I’ve been asked several times to rank the films personally but have never done, so. Well, as hard as this genuinely is for me, because I find all the flicks to be pretty balanced in their own way and love them all, mostly, equally- I’ve had to remedy that. As a true fan of the franchise through and through, this was stupidly impossible.

So here we go! Eye of the tiger, baby. Eye of the tiger. From my least favorite to the all-time champ, my definitive ranking of the ROCKY franchise!

NOTE: I’ve chosen to exclude the CREED films. While they are indeed canon and serve as an important continuation, Balboa is utilized as a side character. Hence, I feel like they are their own set of movies.

ROCKY V

To the surprise of probably no one, ROCKY V comes in dead last on the list; but that’s not to say I hate the movie at any level. Sure, it has plenty of flaws, but it also has its share of memorable moments. I mean, if you don’t cry during the flashback of Mickey and his angelic speech, you just may very well be a sociopath. And to be frank, I cry every single time I hear it. Don’t judge me and my soft ass.

As a matter of fact, here’s some cut up onions for you if you need a refresher. Tissues not included.

ROCKY V was made and released five years after the last film, and I am of the belief that was a major issue in itself. The previous films only had about, at the most, a two-year gap, making for a smoother transition into the next chapter without it looking off. Here, it’s all off. Both Rocky and Adrian look considerably older, and with no explanation at all, Rocky Jr aged from a seven-year-old, to a prepubescent teenager making naked drawings of his French teacher. Paulie always looked like he was 50, so there are no issues with that. There’s also the huge change of the time era, as let’s face it: 1990 looks absolutely nothing like 1985, so the shift is really quite difficult to swallow here as the beginning of the movie picks up immediately where ROCKY IV left off. It’s a hard sell to say the least.

What I do appreciate here, is how they attempted to do something different. There’s only so many times we can rehash the same Rocky story without it becoming stale, so they were on the right track. It just kind of fell flat on its face-sort of like Tommy Morrison’s asshole character in the movie after getting the crap kicked out of him. I really hated that son of a bitch Tommy Gunn, so I really have to praise the late Morrison for his acting chops here. It’s no Academy performance, but he really made me want to punch him myself. So, the man did his job well. As with Richard Gant’s portrayal of Duke, the obvious play on the infamous scumbag of boxing promoter, Don King.

Rocky going back to his roots wasn’t a bad thing. However, the way it happened was very abrupt. It angered me. I hate seeing him and Adrian struggle. It’s really depressing to watch, especially the relationship with his son (Sage Stallone). The original ending had the former champion dying from his injuries with his love Adrian at his side. However, Stallone found writing this scene highly emotional, and reportedly cried while finishing it. As the movie began filming, director Avildsen received a call from the head of production at United Artists. The head argued that Rocky Balboa was too beloved and iconic to kill off. They demanded the tearjerker ending be changed. And I fucking agree. I would have died a little inside along with his character had that ended up being the final product. So kudos for that change at least.

ROCKY III

It almost kills me to put the third film second to last, but here we are. It’s gotta go somewhere.

Rocky has gone from the struggling boxer living in the slums of Philadelphia, to a “civilized” athlete with tons of endorsements, making him wealthy and powerful. Along with successfully, or so he thinks anyway, defending the world title numerous times. Not to go unnoticed by the number one contender, Clubber Lang (Mister T).

It’s more lighthearted while still being serious in the same breath. ROCKY III, the love child of parts 2 and 4, is the best description as it stays somewhere down the middle as it goes from that fucking massive banger of an intro, to the ever problematic Paulie-envious of his brother-in-law’s new notoriety. It can get a tad cartoonish at times. Which I’m totally on board with.

Speaking of which… how about the ultimate male vs the ultimate meatball. HA HA HA.

The movie should be higher on the list solely because of this, but I’ll stand by my ranking.

Mister T is over the top and a total scumbag for just about everything he does in this movie. This guy has absolutely no redeeming qualities. He is dissimilar from his predecessor Apollo, who was just fighting for his ego. Not because he’s a psycho maniac who DARE to lay a hand on Mick. That’s like kicking a damn baby. The death of Mick is heartbreaking, but it’s nice to see Apollo step up and get behind Rocky; even if there are some ulterior motives behind it to begin with. Their friendship is pretty cute, to say the least. DING. DING.

ROCKY BALBOA

2006 brought the simply titled, ROCKY BALBOA. Simple itself, however, it was anything but. The first Rocky movie in sixteen whole years came in fucking HOT with the emotions. Upon my first viewing, I started crying immediately as it plunges straight into the untimely death of Adrian. Adrian was the woman who kept Rocky going for as long as he did. Now, we see Balboa, past his prime, living in days gone by with his memories and not much else. Just basking in the nostalgia of yesterday while ignoring much of the present.

That doesn’t sound like anyone I know…

ROCKY BALBOA is a gut punch to our emotions. It evokes our nostalgia for the first movie, and really embraces what made the original so endearing in the first place. My only complaint really is there is some stuff that could be better fleshed out, such as Rocky’s relationship with his son (Milo Ventimiglia). But the core of the story is the same that we came to love, which is rooting for Rocky as the underdog rather than emphasizing the boxing match.

There’s also this incredible monologue that not only is fucking CHURCH, but should be microchipped into every human being’s skull on the planet. When Sly is gone, and trust me I dread that day when it comes, this speech will live on for eternity.

ROCKY II

Stallone slips on both hats as writer and director for the highly anticipated Superfight II that is equally good as its predecessor. Picking up right where we left off at fight night, we follow the aftermath of Rocky’s new-found slight celebrity and the burdens it carries. Especially for someone who wasn’t completely ready for the responsibility that comes with it. Mentally or financially. And with a promise to Adrian he would quit fighting as he did what he set out to, which was to go the distance, Rocky is confronted with the fact he doesn’t fare too well outside the ring.

In fact, he smeels mainly at it.

It’s truly admirable the lengths he goes to try and have what most people consider a “normal life”, But with Creed up his ass taunting him for a rematch as his ego was seriously bruised the first time around, pride eventually succumbs and with Adrian’s blessing after a massive life and death scare, its fucking GO TIME. This is where we truly first witness, what becomes, THE ITALIAN STALLION because Rocky really whales on Creed’s ass this time around and the fight alone is everything the movie builds it up to be. A perfect ballet of back and forth that keeps you guessing which way it’s going to go to the very end, with absolutely stunning cinematography shots that I could endlessly watch on a loop. Only to be rivaled by the fight in the first CREED film.

Oh, and then there’s this. In the first film, no one believed in this guy. This time around, the whole city is behind him. Also, I gotta love the little shit that totally tries to outrun him. Respect, little man. But not today.

ROCKY IV

Listen, it took every ounce of my inner 80s montage-loving ass not to put this at number one. But I have to respect what I know deep down to be true- and that is that it’s only second to the one and only.

I BARELY remember it, but my dad and uncle took me to see this when I was three-fucking- years old at a Drive-In. I had actually forgotten about this long-lost memory until my father recently brought it up when I told him I was ranking the Rocky movies. And all of I sudden, I got a flash of a giant screen and seeing Drago’s face with that haunting music- standing over a dead Apollo (basically the image above, which is why I chose it.) And I instantly remembered being scared shitless of the guy. It was a pretty wild and jolting, albeit a faded memory that I guess was stuck way deep in my thought banks. But it would also explain the reason why I always viewed Ivan Drago as THEE horror icon of the franchise. That’s a whole other story- but you can read about it here.

ROCKY IV is the sequel that just embodies the 80s in its entirety- and does it goddamn well. While many view it as a 90-minute epic montage, and it kind of is with a kickass intermission from James Brown that is about as American as it gets. I mean, it basically tells their Russian guests to lick their assholes. Because, ‘MURICA.

But, It really is so much more than that. ROCKY IV delivers some powerful messages that still resonates to the world almost 40 years after the fact. The theme of change and staying true to your roots. As Rocky and Apollo are getting older in the athletic world, a young and GIANT fresh face flies in from Russia (Dolph Lungren) and his handlers and issue a challenge to Balboa in an exhibition match- stating there is no one else that could match Drago’s strength or endurance. That really bruises the ego of Creed, which as the movies have shown, is his one fatal flaw. And in this case, it really was fatal.

In regards to the final fight, the immanent theme of change begins as our American hero is booed all the way to the ring. The entrance is dark, dank, and smells of uncertainty. Whereas Drago’s entrance tells the same tale only with favorable crowd and a WAY more sinister feeling- we will definitely attribute Dicola’s Drago Suite to the anxiety in the room as we prepare for war. As the fight progresses and the pair of soldiers are beating the ever-loving shit out of each other, the change begins. As Rocky our series underdog keeps taking the licks and getting back up, the communist crowd begins to favor the Italian Stallion and his perseverance.

And then… the speech. A speech just as relevant now as it was then and will forever be so in this insane world that we live in under constant threat and fears of the unknown. That if we can band together to come to a consensus, regardless of our background, we can live peacefully and without regret.

NOW HIT ME WITH THOSE FRESH BEATS, AND A BEARDED SLY, DiCOLA!

ROCKY

Well here we are; the one that started it all and without it, we wouldn’t have these amazing legacy of films that I’ve been blabbering on about.

This rawdog of an indie film written by an almost homeless Stallone with his puppers beside him, is a film written into reality as both the movie and Sly himself went from rags to riches overnight. Makes sense since Sly basically wrote the character as himself, and wouldn’t sign off on the script unless he was starring. A down-on-his-luck club fighter, Rocky receives a once-in-a-lifetime shot when the heavyweight champion of the world, Apollo Creed, decides to make him his next opponent simply because he likes Rocky’s nickname.

The film also explores Rocky’s relationships. Mickey Goldmill, the crusty old trainer who at first cooks him and calls him “a bum” for wasting his potential being an enforcer for a loan shark. After Rocky gets that amazing offer, Mick (Burgess Meredith) realizes that by training Rocky, it could be the only chance at redemption for both of them.

This scene is particular, is one of the most emotionally raw moments in the series. For some behind the scenes context, Sly pictured himself talking to his overbearing father in this scene.

Then, of course, the lovely Adrian. For so long, people confused this love story as a boxing movie. The sport was merely a backdrop for this budding romance where two lost, and lonely souls find their lifemate and its the most adorable thing. From the beginning, Rocky pursues Adrian with dumb jokes and subtle flirtations, however this shy thing that has lived under her abusive brother’s thumb, takes time to come out of shell and when she does, SHE blossoms like the strong woman she always was; Rocky just had to bring it out of her. I especially love it when she stands up to prick Paulie once, and for all.

Finally, with Mickey and Adrian in his corner, Rocky trains for the fight, but his goal isn’t to win but merely “to go the distance” with Creed. Rocky goes on to shock Apollo, who took him lightly, by going the full 15 rounds with the champ, losing by split decision but proving to himself he’s not “a bum, or a tomat-ah.” And once it was all said and done, he just wanted to hold Adrian- and find her hat.

Beautiful.

Editorials

40 Years of “A Nightmare On Elm Street”: How Freddy Changed The Game In The 80s and Beyond

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The year was 1984.  The very first commercial for the revolutionary Apple Computer premiered at the beginning of the year, foreshadowing an irreversible change in the way we live for an entire generation. While one can argue this may very well be, the most significant moment in ’84, (or hell an entire decade), most horror fans may dispute that. 40 years ago, one of horror’s biggest and influential icons was born from the mind of the late Wes Craven-Freddy Krueger. Robert Englund gave him a body, Craven gave him the brain- see what I did there- and unleashed Freddy Mania unto the generation that became the golden era for Slasher movies; and shows no signs of slowing up all these years later.

While I can’t speak for every single child of the ’80s, Freddy Fever rose high and rampant over the course of a decade, introducing an entire generation to the horror genre due to Springwood’s Slasher popularity. Nancy said it best, “Every kid knows who he is. He’s like Santa Claus.” 

And even celebrated much more so by the horror fandom than the generous, jolly ol’ dude. With on-screen heroes emerging in the decade like Indiana Jones, Rambo, and pretty much any Arnold Schwarzenegger film, Freddy rose to the ranks as a hero of a generation of horror movie fans by being nothing more than the ethos of pure evil-slapstick comedy added later-which only BOOSTED all the diehard FredHeads (myself included) to put him on a higher pedestal; rounding out the Holy Horror Slasher Trinity with his buddies Michael and Jason.

I mean, you’ve really made it when MTV (when it was, you know, amazing) lets you VJ and just end up doing whatever the fuck you want. That’s some star power.

And it all stemmed from an idea inspired by real-life horrific events that dated back a decade earlier.

As most of you are aware by now, Craven was enthralled by a story he came across in the LA TIMES about a family who had survived the Killing Fields in Cambodia. They made it safe and sound to the United States, but their young son was soon terrorized by horrible nightmares and was eventually found dead.

From Vulture Magazine, circa 2014:

“He told his parents he was afraid that if he slept, the thing chasing him would get him, so he tried to stay awake for days at a time. When he finally fell asleep, his parents thought this crisis was over. Then they heard screams in the middle of the night. By the time they got to him, he was dead. He died in the middle of a nightmare. Here was a youngster having a vision of a horror that everyone older was denying. That became the central line of Nightmare on Elm Street.”

All that being said, WHAT exactly had the youth of our generation so insanely captivated by, well, a brutal child killer? I can only speculate on watching Freddymania evolve throughout the ’80s, and ’90s, to today’s hardcore fan base that follows Freddy and Friends to the ends of the Earth via social media and horror conventions (I’m totally one of those people), and speaking with fellow FredHead buddies. And the answers are pretty quite simple: The children are the warriors of this horror franchise. They are the ones who recognize the evil while the adults stand around with their thumbs up their asses. THEY are the ones who stand together, (just look at Dream Warriors) and face their enemy head-on. So it’s only natural an adolescent would gravitate toward something they could possibly relate to. Society is often guilty of not listening to our youth, and A Nightmare On Elm Street made that loud and clear, folks.

Another reason, and this is personally true in my case being a female, is that each of the NOES films gave us the absolute, most ass-kicking heroines that any young girl would be proud to look up to. First off, let’s just get this right out of the way- Nancy is the goddamn Queen. Even though it was quite clear that she was slowly getting edgier as the film progressed- to be fair she was working on a week’s worth of almost no sleep while Fred was trying to murder her– she really had the most logical and sturdy head out of EVERYONE in that entire film. Including her parents. Not to mention, she went full Rambo on Krueger’s ass. I’m not going to sit here and try to argue how she managed to set all those booby traps, fall asleep, and capture Freddy all in twenty minutes of film time. Let’s just appreciate the fact that this girl went balls to the wall, going as far as tackling her predator to the ground WWF style in one giant FUCK YOU to his face. And then she turns her back on him and calls him “shit”.

Goddamn. GIRL FUCKING POWER.

35 Years of Freddy: A Clawed Imprint On An Entire Generation

Prior to Heather Langenkamp’s debut as a horror heroine, there really hadn’t been too many “final girls” who actually used their wit and a bit of critical thinking to overcome danger. Sydney Prescott said it best, “Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can’t act who is always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door.” Ironically, another character of Wes Craven-which is a big reason why I adore him and the strength he gave his female heroes.

The stupid girl trope in horror movies had always really bothered me until I got a dose of Nancy. The only other final girl that came remotely close to being a full-on badass that any young girl would admire prior to NOES, is Amy Steel’s Ginny from Friday the 13th Part 2. Nancy is Ginny turned all the up. And I respect the fuck out of it. We finally had someone willing to fight back with both her mind and skills she obtained. The strong female presence would continue throughout the franchise, and personally, I really think it made other horror films and franchises really think twice about the dumb girl victim angle. Post 1984, the main female characters in BOTH Friday the 13th and Halloween, respectfully, had a bit more fight in them. Think of Megan from Jason Lives, or Rachel from Halloween 4 who helped break the cycle. We can thank Nancy for that.

If someone wants to chime in about Jamie Lee Curtis, don’t make me remind you that just screamed her way through the first one until Loomis saved her ass; and then again in the sequel. A sequel where she literally laid in a parking lot where help was 10 feet away and waited to call out until they were gone.

I fucking love these movies to death, but I can never get past the stupidity of that.

Last but not least, A Nightmare On Elm Street has always been seen by me as a “comfort horror film”.  Over the years, I’ve written several articles on how horror films actually soothe my anxiety- And the NOES films are exactly that for me. Comfort in times of stress and the harsh realities of the real world. I refer to films like these in a term I coined, “FANTASTICAL HORROR”. Films like Halloween and Friday the 13th (only the first, after that they became FANTASTICAL), were very much real to me. THAT SHIT COULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN. It’s very plausible an escaped lunatic could go on a killing spree or a deranged childless mother going apeshit on a group of kids. With NOES, mehhhhhhhhh, highly doubt a burnt-faced demon is gonna kill me in my dreams. This is not to say that one could never die in their sleep, or to take away the fact that the movie is really terrifying in other aspects. But, it’s not realistic to me. And that’s ok! In times of real-world tragedies, shitty adult issues, and when the world seems so ugly that you want to pack up and move to Mars, Freddy, and the gang are here to take us to Dream Land. To a place that takes us out of reality and into the world of Fantastical Horror.

You know, kinda like Harry Potter but cooler. Don’t you Hogwarts fans @ me.

Happy 40th anniversary, Freddy and the gang. And to all my fellow sons and daughters of 100 maniacs who keep the fandom of this movie as strong as ever. We are all his children now and forever.

35 Years of Freddy: A Clawed Imprint On An Entire Generation

On a last note for all you Fred Heads, make sure you grab the latest revised edition of “NEVER SLEEP AGAIN” that has all new information about the making of the movie via the cast and crew! The book releases on November 9th, 2024 and you can grab it here on Amazon!

Editorials

[VIDEO] It’s The 1997 MTV Special: Beavis and Butthead Do Thanksgiving with Kurt Loder!

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Huh, Huh, Huh… Loder. Heh, Heh, Heh. Ask Beavis if he has a wish bone.

There are two kinds of people in this world. The ones who celebrate Thanksgiving with Charlie Brown. And then the ones who interview people’s butts at Times Square-like Beavis and Butthead.

The answer is both. I am both people.

In 1997, ahead of their final episode after a massive pop-culture-changing five-year run, MTV ran a half-hour special with Beavis and Butthead along with Kurt Loder to celebrate the Turkey Holiday in Times Square. Where they talk about what they do on Thanksgiving, interview people’s butts, and unload their charm onto the conservative Kurt-complete with bumpers from creator Mike Judge and, of course, it wouldn’t be a true Beavis and Butthead episode without a couple of videos thrown in for good measure.

“Boy. CHER sure has gone downhill.”

But let’s face it, this was a pure celebration of the iconic 90s dumbass duo in all its glory with just some Thanksgiving trimmings before the pair’s 200th episode, “Beavis and Butthead are Dead”. However, the added joy of the Beavis and Butthead parade balloons along with some of their commentary about why “the city was giving homeless people a parade with balloons” cracks me the fuck up every time.

“Hey, we’re homeless, and we’re starving but, hey, there’s a Garfield balloon! Ahhhh…” At the time, that kind of social commentary went way over our heads and we just laughed our ever-loving asses off. It’s still funny now, but we also get what he was trying to say. And that’s the brilliance of Mike Judge, folks.

This was the last time Beavis and Butthead were on MTV with anything new for 14 years until a small revival back in 2011. An end of an era and a transition into a different period of time. When considering the 90s, it is difficult not to mention these two and their impact on an entire generation of angsty and rebellious adolescents that began during the height of the grunge music era. And while this special was supposed to be a sendoff celebration, it has stayed with me personally throughout the years as an annual November tradition.

It’s just not Thanksgiving until I hear Butthead explain the meaning of the holiday, “Well Loder, Thanksgiving is a very special day. The first thing we do is get up and watch TV. Now keep in mind, most television on Thanksgiving morning sucks. But do we get mad? No. We just keep changing channels until we find something cool.”

Buttheadisms, folks.

Shout out to wny_vad13 for uploading this special to YouTube in its entirety! Happy Thanksgiving buttmunches!