Category Archives: Lists

Lists

Nightmares, Blockbusters, and Mass Hysteria! Top 10 Greatest Horror Movies of 1984!

Image 1 Comment

In the year of our Lord, 1984, Apple launched its very first Macintosh Computer commercial bringing the wave of the future that would soon enter classrooms-Oregon trail anyone? Wendy’s wondered, “Where’s the Beef?” And Michael Jackson traded his lovely locks for a set of singed hairs on the set of the Pepsi commercial. It was a massive time for Pop Culture, consumerism, and the start of international benefit concerts and albums such as Band-Aid. It was the epitome of the Reagan era-who absolutely walloped Walter Mondale in the presidential primary election of that year. 1984 was also the year we were introduced to several legendary horror icons and franchises, Reaganomics not included, that have become some of the most beloved in the genre fan base. From a jacked, unstoppable Arnold, to a hungry green ghost that loves to slime Bill Murray, to Gremlins cannonballing into swimming pools, 1984 blew the genre into an otherworldly realm: THE BLOCKBUSTER. The two aforementioned films opened on the SAME DAY in 1984. Pretty wild to think that GHOSTBUSTERS and GREMLINS opened against each other on June 8th, 1984 to kick off the Summer and both movies ended up being the highest-performing films at the box office of the year. The combined forces brought in over a whopping $400 million domestically in theaters.

Winston said it best, folks.

1984 horror stood out with the blockbuster numbers for sure, but the year also brought some of the BEST in the Christmas horror game; with a total of three making the top 10 cut here, which is rather unusual for any yearly top ten horror list. One of which was banned from theaters due to a bunch of uptight pearl clutches who can’t differentiate a Santa Claus fiction from, well, another Santa Claus fiction. Crazy concept, eh?

Anyway, let’s get down on it, but real quick: It’s not really a movie but a short and I would never forgive myself for not giving it a spot here, so Honorary Best Horror Short Film goes to:

FRANKENWEENIE

In Tim Burton’s first major debut, his short film FRANKENWEENIE puts a spin on Mary Shelley’s FRANKENSTEIN, and we get our first taste of what I call, “The Burton Touch”. His films’ atmosphere is always immediately recognizable to his taste and character, mashing goth, fantasy, and horror all in one beautiful bubble of his very own genre. This neo-gothic French kiss to one of the greatest horror stories of all time is a virgin Tim Burton popping his cherry to the world, and it’s one of his best.

Before we actually get into this personalized top 10, I have to admit I had a HELL of a time placing these to my satisfaction- and even now writing this I’m definitely struggling because, in a perfect world, no one would EVER ask me to choose between, Slimer, Freddy, Stripe, and the goddamn Terminator. The audacity of this shit has been tasking on my mental health, y’all. So go easy on me.

10. THE TOXIC AVENGER

The only toxic relationship I want in my life. Troma’s 1984 triumph of raunchy cheese with a bullied nerd who, by the powers of toxic waste, becomes-THE TOXIC AVENGER! I still can’t believe this schlocky cult film was ever made into a Saturday morning cartoon for kids where, in the movie itself, had the absolute balls to kill a kid- very brutally! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I respect the hell out of a movie that pulls that kind of shit. When I was a kid in the 80s’, we always used the “points” tally for when we would make each other eat shit on our bikes. Beyond the movie itself being extra over-the-top in true TROMA fashion in gratuitous violence and perky mammary glands, Mop Melvin is the only true Avenger that ever mattered for us horror nerds. We salute you and your tutu, Toxie.

9. NIGHT OF THE COMET

The first of the Christmas Horror films, don’t tell me it isn’t because we WILL fight, is NIGHT OF THE COMET starring Catherine Mary Stewart and horror sweetheart Kelli Maroney, (you can check out our interview with her here!) While the world was waiting for Halley’s Comet to arrive in 1986, in comes a mini zombie apocalypse movie thanks to, well, a comet and leaves us with an end-of-mankind film with two totally ass-kicking women leads. We’re presented with two sisters from the Valley who are not ashamed of their sexuality, nor do they allow themselves to be shamed for it. They are capable of survival with or without a man to save them, and it really kicks that Valley Girl stereotype in the balls. Which is refreshingly different. The soundtrack is amazing. The nostalgia is high, looking back into the golden year of 1984. And it’s Kelli Maroney with zombies. What’s really not to love here?

8. FIRESTARTER

Stephen King’s FIRESTARTER is basically him writing a horror version of an X-MEN comic, and being a HUGE fan of X-MEN, I AM HERE FOR IT. Starring a young Drew Barrymore, Keith David, George C. Scott, and Martin Sheen, FIRESTARTER is Charlie, a little girl wanted by the government for her pyrokinesis and telekinetic abilities and is on the run with her father, who also harbors mind control powers- a little like Professor X! While Charlie’s powers are inherited, her parents’ abilities are the result of a government experiment, and now the shitheads at power want that little girl for their own personal weapon.

With a fantastic score by Tangerine Dream and an outstanding performance by a 9-year-old Drew, FIRESTARTER is miles better than the 2022 remake and I like to think the blueprint for STRANGER THINGS‘ Eleven. It’s not everyone’s favorite King adaptation, I’ve learned over the years, but it’s hard not to enjoy a film that features a little Drew Barrymore in pink bunny slippers telling Martin Sheen to go to hell. Yeah, she can start fires with her mind, but that is almost just as entertaining.

7. CHILDREN OF THE CORN

Ahh. 1984- the year when we attacked Linda Hamilton. Hear me outlanders, another Stephen King adaptation CHILDREN OF THE CORN had us never looking at corn fields the same way ever again. When the children of Gaitlin kill every adult in town on one fine Sunday morning at the will of creepy kid Issac and “he who walks behind the rows”, the premise of creepy kids in horror movies is thrown up a few notches and remains at the tippy-top of the killer-kid genre in the horror field. Enter Linda Hamilton and Peter Horton coming across this ghost town in the middle of cornfield nowhere full of homicidal kids and we got ourselves a good goddamn movie.

Also, one of the greatest PSAs’ for birth control I’ve ever seen.

6. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART IV: THE FINAL CHAPTER

After a year of absence from Jason Voorhees in 1983, FRIDAY THE 13TH attempted to bring the legacy of Jason home with THE FINAL CHAPTER and a definitive ending to our Crystal Lake killer- but we all know that hella didn’t happen. However, IF, this was actually the end of Jason, I felt it would have been a pretty proper send-off. This movie is a goddamn SLASHERTERPIECE. It has every box checked for everything you could want in a 80s slasher film: Corey Feldman. Naked twins. A pervert called Teddy Bear. A banana-eating hitchhiker. And a cool dog that LIVES toward the end of the movie. Also, with a great cast to boot-probably the best cast of all the Friday films, we are gifted with the national treasure of Crispin Glover and a dance that, to this day, no one has ever forgotten.

5. SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT

Our second Christmas horror film of the list-SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT is a personal favorite of mine and one horror flick where no one ever saw a franchise forming but here the fuck we are. And thank fucks because SNDN 5: THE TOYMAKER is a horrible guilty pleasure of mine. The karens’ of 1984 managed to get this holiday horror movie, that consists of a homicidal maniac dressed as Santa that murders a (shocker) naked Linnea Quigley by mounted deer antlers through the tatas, banned from theaters after only a week of it being released. Jokes on you, pearl clutches. That just piqued our interest all the more and we raise our disgusting eggnog to Billy- one of the most unhinged antagonists of a horror movie of all time that we also all collectively feel devastated and sorry for. That’s one hell of a combo and never easy to pull off. Plus, I love pausing the flick and looking around at all the vintage toys in IRA’s… it’s just an added bonus.

Before we go any further, I literally had a panic attack trying to rank the final four films because I love them all almost equally. So, basically what it came down to was longevity, the legacy, and a tad of a personal opinion.

4. The Terminator

Sticking THE TERMINATOR at number 4 hurts my goddamn soul, but hey, these decisions are never taken lightly. Also, I’m sure some would argue that TERMINATOR is NOT a horror movie, and while I tend to agree mostly with that, the premise of an unstoppable force hunting you down and the mass genocide of a human race by machines is enough for it to qualify. Again, we have the lovely Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor who, in the future, gives birth to humankind’s only hope for survival, John Connor. Enter the Arnold, a cyborg consisting of living tissue over a robotic endoskeleton who is sent from the future to terminate Sarah and her upcoming pregnancy. James Cameron at his finest right here but the million-dollar question remains: according to Kyle Reese, these Terminators sweat and have stank breath. Which begs me to ask: these bots fartin’?

3. GREMLINS

Joe Dante and Stephen Spielberg’s team up of the horror Christmas classic GREMLINS, is undoubtedly, one of my own personal favorite films of all time. So putting it at number 3 hurts my own feelings, but someone has to suffer here, I guess. Writer Chris Columbus has us super emotionally invested in GIZMO, a mogwai given to Billy as a Christmas gift from his father who he found, and kind of stole, from a little shop in Chinatown. As cute as he can be, he comes with massive responsibilities that would be hard for any human to have to follow, let alone a teenager. And when the rule of 3 is broken, chaos ensues and Stripe along with a few other minions are born. This holiday movie is just so much fun and can be watched all year long without batting an eye. Although, I have to admit, it’s not really Christmas until I see Mrs. Deagle flying out a window. I just hope her cats were ok!

2. GHOSTBUSTERS

Listen, this seriously pains me putting GHOSTBUSTERS at number 2, but again, here I am, with my sanity slowing melting away like the sludge that drips off Venkman’s earlobes during the Slimer attack. Released on the same day as GREMLINS in June of 1984, GHOSTBUSTERS hits all the marks for what a great Blockbuster film should be and the concept of the action-horror-comedy genre was basically born as such thanks to this film. The 80s would HAVE never looked the same without the Ghostbusters and the mythic spell they put on its audiences that carried over into cartoons, merchandising, and a sequel five years later; not to mention the movies that have followed the events of the 80s’ films over the last few years with MORE coming. I can’t say much about this movie that hasn’t already been said a million times over, but I will say this: The MICK SMILEY MAGIC scene is by far, one of the GREATEST pieces of mood-setting cinematics in the history of film. Yeah, I said that and will die on that hill. The scene highlights ghosts staking their claim onto New York City, but the real monster is the one who let them out- a man with no dick, a Con Edison employee. If you’ve ever lived in New York, it’s completely plausible that a piece of shit like that would bring about the end of the world.

Anyways, enjoy this scene in all it’s brilliance. It’s so damn pretty. I get chills every time I watch it.

1. A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

When it comes down to brass tacks boils and ghouls, Wes Craven’s A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET reigns supreme of 1984 for one reason beyond it being my favorite slasher franchise: Freddy became the forerunner into bringing serious horror into the mainstream market. This is not to shit on HALLOWEEN or FRIDAY THE 13th by any means at all. But history doesn’t lie. Freddy became the face of 80s horror luring a young generation in by his very claws. Between the merch, TV specials, music videos, and hell his own hour on MTV, well, Nancy said it best:

Everyone knows who Freddy is.

It also goes without saying that it’s one HELL of a movie that clawed its imprint on an entire generation of not just horror fans, but reached beyond the genre’s spectators into the minds and fears of those who don’t know dick about horror movies. That’s some serious slasher power right there. To this very day, no remake, reboot, or some carbon copy could ever TOUCH the perfection that is A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. It also has Johnny Depp debuting himself to the world in a crop top. Yeah, that ain’t getting beat today, boys.

Well, nuggets. I can’t imagine literally anyone being happy with this ranking as I’m sure it’s going to cause hell for me via some die-hard fans of these movies. However, I’m ready to hear your praises, complaints, and thoughtful opinions! Let me have it in the comments! And let’s hear it for the massive year that is 1984!

Lists

5 Essential Thanksgiving Specials From Our Childhood

Image 1 Comment

When it comes to Holiday specials, Halloween and Christmas seem to take the lead over all other holidays- and I mean, I’m never opposed to an over-saturation of Halloween TV for my eyeholes. However, Thanksgiving, which is certainly underrated as far as good TV is concerned, has had its fair share of quality holiday-themed episodes and specials that aren’t given as much love as the aforementioned celebratory occasions that come before and after Turkey Day.

Talk about middle child syndrome, eh?

I thought it was always kind of weird no one talks about these specials a lot because what else are you doing on Thanksgiving after eating yourself into a turkey coma? You lay on the couch, snuggled up in your favorite blanket, and zombie out on some TV. Now, when I was a kid, Thanksgiving Day was all about sports and of course, the all-important Survivor Series. But I gotta give some of these other holiday boob-tube feasts their due for amping us up for the upcoming day of gluttony, which has become a November tradition for myself the week leading up to the big day.

So in no particular order, let’s get to it!

Let’s start with the obvious…

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

To be perfectly honest, no other special gets me quite in the mood for a jelly bean and popcorn feast quite like the 1973 Charlie Brown fiasco. As a matter of fact, I almost prefer watching this over the “Great Pumpkin”. This installment is everything that is so right about a Charlie Brown special, with the added bonus of Snoopy fighting with a lawn chair, which is probably my favorite thing in that whole episode. I can’t go to long into Turkey Day without humming that soulful tune, of “Little Birdie”, while wanting to strangle a few family members at the dinner table. It’s also brought about my own little tradition of recreating the Snoopy a La Thanksgiving feast every year, and it’s definitely a highlight among the madness throughout the day.

The Simpsons – “Bart vs. Thanksgiving”

In The Simpsons’ very first Thanksgiving episode back in 1990, the animated family were peaking into superstardom and Bart’s antics that “ruin” the holiday and lead him into his own Thanksgiving adventure on the streets of Springfield live in my mind rent-free all year ’round. Also, from the moment I saw this, I always refer to that jellied can of blob as Cranberry Sauce A La Bart.

Roseanne- “Thanksgiving” (1991)

Roseanne undoubtedly for years, was the Queen of Halloween in the sitcom world and when Thanksgiving rolled around, this was no different as several seasons of the show made sure to make a Thanksgiving episode full of chaos and smart-ass remarks at the dinner table. Out of the few they’ve done, my personal favorite was from Season 4 simply entitled “Thanksgiving” where Roseanne’s grandmother, played by Shelly Winters and her now husbandless mother are the guests of honor among teenage Becky strife, Darlene’s emo goth phase, and a couple of secrets that come to light. Just another day in the Connor household.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

I’m not an overly enthusiastic Star Wars fan, but I can always appreciate it for what it is, and what I can appreciate the most is this bastardizing, kooky-ass special that ran the week before Thanksgiving in 1978 on CBS. I watch it yearly, mainly because it’s just so batshit crazy as most everything that came out of the 70s usually was… a drug-fueled mish-mosh of chaos, and this is no exception. We got a couple of wookies, Jefferson Starship, and the magnificent Bea Arthur belting out in song at the Cantina, which is obviously the greatest part about this whole thing. I wonder if Bea’s back hurt carrying this entire special?

Garfield’s Thanksgiving

Garfield’s Thanksgiving Special from 1989 doesn’t nearly get the love it deserves, as his Halloween Adventure four years prior seems to remain the nostalgic favorite. But there’s one thing here that this special has, the other doesn’t: and that’s mother fucking Grandma Arbuckle. Voiced by Pat Carroll (Ursula/ The Little Mermaid), only briefly appears, not even staying for dinner but she steals the whole show. Grandma Arbuckle’s ability to make croquettes out of a ruined turkey is inspiring to say the least for those of us who burn shit on the regular.

And with that, my Thanksgiving gift to you my turkey nuggets is the cartoon shown here in full. Now Do the mashed potato, do the candied yam. Do the funky turkey, cause it’s time to jam.

Lists

PREDATOR PRINCESSES: THE WONDROUS WOMEN OF THE ‘PREDATOR’ FRANCHISE

Image Leave a comment

One of scifi/horror’s crown jewels began with the handshake to end all handshakes, and after seven highly entertaining movies and the most treacherous space villain this side of Lord Vader, the PREDATOR franchise continues to thrive 36 years later. But for nearly four decades, conversations about PREDATOR have revolved almost exclusively around Ahnold and the boys from the OG, with the occasional nugget about Danny Glover or Kevin Peter Hall and the other ginormous gents who’ve donned the Predator gear.

We thought it was time to change that. Today we’re here to talk about the five fiercest women from the PREDATOR universe.

5: ANNA (ELPIDIA CARRILLO) / PREDATOR (1987)

Few scifi/horror/action epics can match PREDATOR for machismo, but make no mistake, Anna was anything but a token character, she was a badass. We’re not allowed to forget that when Dutch and his team decimated the guerilla camp Anna didn’t hesitate to sneak up on Schwarzenegger, refused to stop doggin’ Dillon (Carl Weathers), and even packed Pancho (Richard Chaves) in the puss. Nor can we ignore that it was Anna who noticed the Predator’s blood on the leaves (insert iconic line here), helped the unit set up its (albeit failed) ambush, and even tried to grab a weapon and fight off the otherworldly warrior before Dutch kicked it out of her hands. And when the dust literally settled, we discovered that Anna had not only made it to the choppah! — but came back for Ahnold’s ass. Put some respect on Anna’s name.

4: ISABELLE (ALICE BREGA) / PREDATORS (2010)

The lone lass dropped into the game preserve in this non-stop homage to the 1987 classic that started it all, Isabelle was the personification of C.S. Lewis’ stance that integrity was doing the right thing even when no one is looking. An asset in battle and beyond, Anna offered invaluable input on topography and weather, to say nothing of her leadership and tactical skills. But Isabelle was unwilling to turn her back on a wounded Eric Forman (Topher Grace) when it would have been the easy (dare we say, smart?) thing to do. No one would’ve ever known, but she may have inspired GDT’s Elisa Esposito seven years early. Being partially paralyzed for her efforts, she paid a price for that decision, but still found a way to pull the trigger and save dollar store Dutch’s ass (Adrien Brody) when it mattered most. If you ever find yourself in a situation that needs to get unfucked with the quickness, you want Isabelle on your team.

3: LEONA CANTRELL (MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO) / PREDATOR 2 (1990)

As a nod to half of what’s on-deck, can we take a moment to appreciate tantalizing taglines? I mean, nothing can beat ’79 (and you know exactly what I’m talking about), but PREDATOR 2’s “he’s in town with a few days to kill” is for all-time. You know what else is historically relevant? Maria Conchita Alonso. Look, Leona grabbed Paxton by the package, talked NBA-level shit, and even after escorting several subway cars full of screaming Los Angelinos to safety, circled back to check on the only man ever killed by a Terminator, xenomorph, and a Predator. And don’t come at me with Cantrell getting a pass because she was preggers, Maria Conchita Alonso walked so Salma Hayek could run. For men my age…just know that Miss Alonso was finishing third no matter what.

2: ALEXA WOODS (SANAA LATHAN) / ALIEN VS. PREDATOR (2004)

Let’s keep in 100: Alexa Woods was a boss long before we even began talking about extraterrestrial evil. Woods was an environmental technician who was climbing Mount Everest when Weyland Industries summoned her to lead an expedition to a pyramid that suddenly appeared out of nowhere–2,000 feet below the Earth. Woods made it clear that the team was not ready for such an endeavor but stuck around knowing they had a better shot at survival with her leading the excursion as opposed to the silver medalist, making it perfectly understood that no one was to do any-damn-thing without her say-so.

Then all hell broke loose, and it was Woods who realized she and the others were caught in the middle of a war and needed to pick a side. When one of her cohorts realized that “the enemy of my enemy is my friend,” Woods didn’t hesitate to reply, “Let’s go find our friend.” Alexa ends up in the good graces of a Predator after throwing down on a xenomorph to save said Predator’s hide, then teams up with them and runs side-by-side into battle in some BATMAN FOREVER homage we never knew we needed.

Long story short (too late, we know): Alexa further impresses her wing-beast by putting down her chest-burster infested friend, helps them escape the pyramid before it went boom, plunges a xeno queen into a watery grave, and gets the mark of a Predator warrior in one of the coolest moments in cinematic history. The takeaway? Predators FUCK with Alexa Woods. That’s badassery on an incomprehensible level.

1: NARU (AMBER MIDTHUNDER) / PREY (2022)

Like Woods before her, Naru was the smartest person in the room. For all the fragile boys who lost their damn minds about a woman besting a Predator when PREY hit Hulu last August, don’t hurt yourself but try to keep up.

Remember that throughout the film’s first half Naru was hunting and failing–but learning from those mistakes–and as her brother Taabe (Dakota Beavers) pointed out, she saw everything and always had. Naru was an innovator. She realized that in order to capture game she needed to be able to retrieve her hatchet quicker, so she fashioned a leash which not only saved her from drowning at one point but ultimately allowed her to conquer Dane DiLiegro’s Predator. Have we mentioned that she picked up on the fact that the ultimate adversary couldn’t see clearly if her body temperature was lowered, how to escape certain death with a bear trap after her dog got its tail stuck in said contraption ONE TIME, or how the Predator’s mask controlled its arrows?

Naru never outmuscled the Predator, she outsmarted it. And when she returned to Comanche camp triumphant in hunting something that was also hunting her–when everyone thought she would fail–the glance between Naru and the little girl was EVERYTHING. Without saying a word Naru clearly communicated “you can do this.” Representation fucking matters.

The passenger manifest for women in the PREDATOR franchise is a brief one, but this is a series that gets it. The women who inhabit this universe are intelligent, intense, and not waiting around for a man to come save them. And with a quick glance at the actors bringing these amazing ladies to life you’ll notice Latina, Black, and Native American because, again, representation fucking matters.