Category Archives: Retro Reviews

Retro Reviews

Las Vegas Universal Horror Unleashed- Haunted House Review

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Not since the days of MGM’s Scream Park which ran for a few years in the late 90s, has horror hit Vegas on such a massive scale, addressing the desired need for a proper haunt for Las Vegas locals and horror fans alike. The only suitable and worthy of noting haunt for the Vegas Valley, which has been running for the last 30 or so years, is the Mollner (JT Mollner of MY STRANGE DARLING, and THE LONG WALK) family’s FREAKLING BROS. But as with Halloween, the haunt comes and sadly goes, leaving people like me Halloween blue balls for the rest of the year. With UNIVERSAL HORROR UNLEASHED located in Zone 2 of AREA 15, the haunt experience doesn’t see an end on November 1st. And you know what? It’s about time we as a society got a year-round haunt. I’m tired of living like a Halloween gopher only to burrow back into a hole once November arrives.

We arrived as soon as the place opened and were greeted right away with a haunting mist and a lovely vampire and her slave gimp priming you up for what lies ahead in the haunts. With 100,000 square feet of horror play at your fingertips that include scare actors on the ground, AND in the air, this place is BUILT like a horror fan’s personal playground. While it is a Universal property, it is NOT like Halloween Horror Nights at Orlando or Hollywood. For one, it’s air-conditioned, thank fucks, and for me, it was a way more intimate experience. Also, as someone who wears the wrong shoes all the time, I appreciate that it is super walkable.

As for the haunted houses, there are four in total inside Unleashed so let’s dive right into each one- I mean, that’s why you’re here, right?

The Exorcist: Believer

If you loved THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER, then you’re going to thoroughly enjoy the shot for shot storytelling of this haunt. This house in particular was the easiest to navigate through, perhaps because it was better lit than the others, and it jam packed with things to look at. The detail in BELIEVER was absolutely insane, so if there wasn’t a scare actor jumping on my ass every 5 seconds, mind you I’m not bitching about that, I would have lingered in every room just to inspect all the fine attributes that went into making this. My only gripe really is that I would have loved to see the iconic Pazuzu face appear somewhere along the way. Yeah, I know it’s not in this movie in particular, but it would have been a nice touch.

The Scarecrow: The Reaping

This is an original concept built specifically for Las Vegas and this is the one that felt the Halloweeniest of all four haunts. The aesthetics of the outside rival that of the HALLOWEEN 4 opening, albeit a much darker version, with a breeze in your face, lots of hay, and jack o’ lanterns abundant, you can smell Autumn here, and it is damn glorious. Now, because it was pitch black dark inside, the photos I took didn’t take kindly without a flash, (with respect flash cameras were off limits due to obviously that being rude as fuck to the actors and other haunt goers) So, no inside look here, but you can use your imagination. So just picture a really pissed off PumpkinHead-like Scarecrow popping out from every corner of this farmhouse and a corn maze outside. It definitely sets the mood for the upcoming season and was spectacularly done.

UNIVERSAL MONSTERS

Let me just get this out of the way real quick: whoever that scare actor is who plays DRACULA, give that man a raise and keep him happy, Universal. That guy hammed up every second of his performance and I ate that shit up like Halloween candy.

Anyway, I truly love that Universal knows it roots and respects it with the Universal Monsters because without them, they probably wouldn’t be around as those films paved the way for the rest of Universal’s history. The haunt incorporates all the famous monsters we know and love as they each have their own little corner of mischief and mayhem. The set design is gothically delightful and while yes, the jump scares were executed flawlessly, it was a weirdly joyful to just walk around in there. Which most likely I can attribute to being exposed to these films while I was in diapers. Sweet horrific nostalgia. More of this, please!

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

The review you’re about to read is an account of the tragedy which befell a group of two (not so) youths… the tragedy being I wasn’t allowed to join the Saw family. Kind of bullshit if you ask me.

This was my absolute favorite of the four haunts, as it felt like I was walking through the 1974 film and the lens of Tobe Hooper’s immortal horror classic. Chef’s kiss to the set design and whoever’s idea it was to put the opening text credits along with that infamous graveyard corpse opener at the front of the haunt before even going inside. Genius move.

You walk around and see the VW bus at the gas station, turn a hard right and the Sawyer house is right there, fully built in all its glory for you to walk through and try to outrun Leatherface and the rest of the family. With special appearances by Sally, Franklin, and friends, they nailed this experience right down to the bones and chicken feathers. I didn’t want it to end and just like with Believer, I could have lingered around if they had let me just to soak in all the attention to detail.

In addition to the four glorious haunts, horror-themed drinks and bites at the bars and restaurants, there are plenty of places to hang out while enjoying the atmosphere, watch out for MEGAN by the way, and a live show to boot, starring Jack the Clown and Chance with the STAY OR SLAY show that involves audience participation, which yours truly got picked to be a part of. If you look closely, you’ll spot the awkward pickle of the bunch and see me. It’s definitely entertaining, showcasing some crazy talent, and a must-see between haunted housing.

Because I know how Las Vegas can be, I can only hope this attraction stays around for a while because it sure is a breath of fresh air for us horror junkies. When you plan on coming, make sure to pack extra funds for their gift shop, because holy smokes, it is full of wants and needs for every horror fan! And the apparel is HIGH quality, so be prepared to spend extra for that, which I’m more than happy about because there’s nothing I hate more than souvenir t-shirts that don’t last through one washing.

Grab your tickets here and plan your visit today!

Retro Reviews

The Most Terrifying of Them All: Cannon Movie Tales’ “Snow White”

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The Most Terrifying of Them All: Cannon Films' "Snow White"

I was never much of a fairy tale kind of kid, but Snow White is a story that I hold very dear to my heart. It’s dark, gritty, and relatable to me in such a way because I really had an Evil Queen as a mother. Sometimes step-parents can be a Godsend, while our real birth-givers are toxic entities in our lives, and it’s even worse when you’re a child if not traumatic altogether. My real mother is a narcissistic bipolar who was jealous of her own daughter growing up (why? I’ll never get that), which made my life growing up with her until she split pretty much a living hell. Without going into too much detail, I was treated rather poorly and my way of coping was escapism through a lot of horror films. And then there was this movie I ended up watching over a hundred times in my youth because it was not only, what I thought, was the best version of the Gothic fairy tale, but it had elements of horror sprinkled in there that were done rather well. Before Snow White: A Tale Of Terror came around anyway exactly 10 years after the fact.

Dating all the way back to 1916, The Brothers’ Grimm tale of envy and horror has been adapted cinematically over and over again in the past 100 years of film. It may be one of the most tried and true stories to be reinvented every few years or so for audiences, via animation or live-action. While some details differ from each revamping of the 1812 German fairy tale, the central plot remains the same not giving too much room for suspense. However, in the 80s’, Cannon Movie Tales’ version of the fair maiden and her seven little friends came in swinging as the most faithful adaptation of the original story to date; and definitely lives up to the Gothic nature that really is The Brothers’ Grimm as some of it is goddamn visually terrifying.

I mean, the magic mirror is straight-up made of nightmares, y’all.

Albeit the Evil Queen’s fate in the original story, Cannon’s Snow White gets most of the gritty details from the original right, even down to the apple core dislodging from her throat in transport. The movie stars Nicola Stapleton/Sarah Peterson as Snow White, Billy Barty from Willow and Legend fame, and Diana Rigg as the evil Queen who stole the whole show, and also induced a ton of nightmares as she did her job rather well. The rage and tone that comes off from this woman in the film is one for the books and, to this day, unmatched by any Evil Queen’s performance in the myriad of actresses that have donned the wicked crown.

In total, the Queen attempted murder on SW four times. Once as a child in the woods with the huntsman, where she is offered mercy by the hunter and flees off into the forest, coming upon the dwarves’ cottage. Years later when the Queen finds out Snow is still alive, she then uses her master of disguise tactics to cosplay not once, but 3 different times as a Gyspy woman, a Geisha, and finally an old woman to fool the princess by offering her poison combs, too-tight lace, and a delightful deadly apple-which obviously is one that finally did her in. I have to say however, it’s such an insult to women everywhere that any woman would be that stupid to fall for these tricks multiple times, but then again, we would have a bit of a boring story had she used her noodle a bit.

Anyways, once the traveling Prince happens upon Snow just hanging out dead in the woods, he whisks her away to a castle in the middle of a blistering snowstorm. The entourage carrying her has a bit of an accident, causing SW to spill out of the carriage in her glass coffin, and the force of the fall urges her to cough up the poisoned bit of the apple, awakening her and allowing the pair to live happily ever after.

Well, almost. Just like in the book, the Evil Queen finds out about this wedding and freaks out when her trusty mirror tells her that the Prince’s bride-to-be, is way more beautiful than she. She throws a temper tantrum, breaking the mirror which turns out to be the true source of her magic, beauty, and youth. She quickly begins to tatter and age but not before she can make it to this castle to look upon this fair maiden before she dies. Low, and behold, it’s of course, Snow White. She turns from the alter to walk away but her face shatters into a million pieces before she can make it out of the vicinity.

As a kid, this was absolutely terrifying. As an adult, that’s karma bitch.

Cannon’s Snow White is not easy to come by these days but Amazon does have the DVD for sale at a decent price. If anything, skip the few cheesy musical numbers that made their way into this movie, but watch it for Diana Rigg and her downright crazy-good performance along with some visually terrifying imagery that you won’t soon forget.

Horror Nostalgia, Retro Reviews

Mom and Pop Video Store Memories: DEMONIC TOYS (1992)

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It was a sunny Spring weekend day in 1992. I had completed my Saturday morning ritual of waking up at 7 AM to catch the Saturday morning cartoon lineup with my TMNT aluminum TV tray adorned with Froot Loops cereal and my juice box of Hawaiian Punch, followed by the ever-so-important one-hour block of WWF Superstars. So it was time to get dressed, hop on my bike, and make the one-mile trip down to my local strip mall that held McDonald’s, Little Ceasers, Osco Drug Store, Smiths, Naugles, and of course, the whole reason for the visit, my local mom and pop video shop, ACTION VIDEO, to get my horror movie weekend fix.

With my orange rental punch card in hand, I headed straight to the horror section, and I was immediately stopped by Kelly, one of the clerks who knew my horror-loving 10-year-old ass by name at this point and directed me towards one of the new rentals they had just got in a few days prior: DEMONIC TOYS.

Credit: VHSCollector.com

WALP. Even with a first look, it had plenty of boxes checked already! Killer toys? Check. One of them a clown? Check. Full Moon Features? DOUBLE CHECK. I didn’t even care what it was about, I was already sold on the cover alone-which was the main marketing appeal to many straight-to-video horror movies at the time. Add to the fact that movies about killer toys and dolls were HOT in the late 80s and 90s thanks to Chucky and CHILD’S PLAY for the killer doll resurgence in 1988 that spawned a ton of glorious films from various studios featuring homicidal playthings. Case in point, the killer-doll-genre was one, I, and still am, became obsessed with. So anything involving such, I was all in. PLUS, it was FULL MOON and Charles Band, who started my love for the genre, (no, it wasn’t Chucky) but with his collaboration with Stuart Gordon on the 1987 cult classic DOLLS; another movie that caught my attention purely because of the VHS cover alone and a true love for maniacal dolls was born.

I happily got my rental card punched, went to grab a chicken nugget Happy Meal, and rode my bike home to enter the world of Demonic Toys with my BACK TO THE FUTURE: ANIMATED SERIES Happy Meal in tow.

CHUNK STYLE chickie nugg nuggs of course.

For those unfamiliar with DEMONIC TOYS, here’s the basic deal, and mind you, this is 90s B-MOVIE at its peak: After a drug deal bust goes south and her partner/ boyfriend is killed, a policewoman follows a pair of thugs into an abandoned toy warehouse where, ultimately, her fate and the future of the world rest upon her… and her womb. The cop, Judith, played by Tracy Scoggins, has been having dreams of her and two little boys. The children, of the same age, yet one more sinister looking than the other, are playing a game of WAR with playing cards; clearly foreshadowing a game of tug-of-war between good and evil. And evil is the devil who was buried underneath this warehouse and brought to life by the blood of one of the thugs. But, he needs to be officially born into this world and enter trying to get inside Judith’s womb to become legit.

This fuckin’ guy…

The toys in the warehouse are ALSO possessed by said demon and are there to ensure the implantation of the Antichrist happens, and will walk, talk, and even shit their pants to secure the process. Judith, along with a burly security guard, a Chunky Chicken delivery driver, and a teenage runaway spend the night in the warehouse fending themselves off from the likes of an evil Jack in the Box, a crazed Teddy Bear, and Baby Oopsie Daisy among other possessed toys, and it’s the most ridiculous kind of cheesy chaos that you could imagine. By that meaning, the most delectable form of horror movie cheese one could devour. I don’t know how the demon can inhabit multiple toys and also show itself as a young boy, but that’s really neither here nor there because logical plotlines are not part of this movie’s agenda. Just go with it, eh?

I can definitely say that this line became a part of my regular rotation in language for the year of 1992.

That being said, let us honor Charles Band, the Patron Saint of B-Killer Doll horror films, who successfully executed an entire brand name under the idea of inanimate toys and dolls coming to life and murdering people. And a special shout-out to the Mom and Pop video stores who made sure to supply us with plenty of his movies, including this 90s cult classic in which I do believe, is how many of us first saw it. And this is my Toy Story.

You can watch it for free on TUBI today!