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I Love You To Death: Exploring The Top 10 90s’ Obsessive Stalker Movies

I LOVE YOU TO DEATH: EXPLORING THE TOP 10 90S' OBSESSIVE STALKER MOVIES

Love is one hell of an emotion.

Everyone has their own “number one fan”. But did you ever notice in the 90s’ how obsessive- stalker-psychodrama films seemed to pop up one right after the other? Stalkersploitation was all the rage in this era and pretty much almost defined the decade in films. Hell even the biggest movies of the 90s’ like Titanic has some stalker tendencies with that asswipe Hockley and the T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Albeit slightly different than the ones mentioned here, still the same ballpark.

Sorry Hockley, your money is no good here.

I truly am fascinated by just how many really GREAT stalker films there were in the 90s’. And the fact that so many of these are just brushed aside in passing in the horror community is quite astounding. Of course, horror is what you make of it, but the thought of someone infiltrating your very vulnerable space whether it be by an abusive/violent relationship with a significant other; or a serious traumatic event triggering an antagonist toward a selected victim, the case remains the same as far as the root of the issue: That is fucking terrifying and happens WAY more than anyone of us care to want to know about. That being said, these stalker psychodramas are right up there in terms of realistic true horror films as far as mentally screwing with you into paranoia; watching your back at every turn. So let’s celebrate with what I consider the best the decade has to offer.

10. Poison Ivy

Gonna kick off this 90s nostalgic journey with the first step into insanity with Drew Barrymore in Poison Ivy. It sure is a guilty pleasure on a rainy Sunday afternoon in the Summer and a precursor to a slew of psychodrama teenage films that mimicked this formula soon after.

Ivy (Barrymore) covets her best friend Sylvie’s (Sara Gilbert) life and manipulates her way into her friend’s family; along with seducing the shit out of Sylvie’s father in an attempt to take her mother’s place- as her mother is basically knocking on death’s door with a harsh battle of emphysema. The film emphasizes on intense mood and character building as opposed to jumping right into the thills. However, the build-up is worth it. Poison Ivy is a necessity when talking about the infamous 90s obsession films, as it truly broke ground for some fan favorites to come along in later years. It doesn’t get enough credit. I’m here for you psycho Ivy.

Show Ivy some love and pick it up here!

9. Cape Fear

I LOVE YOU TO DEATH: EXPLORING THE TOP 10 90S' OBSESSIVE STALKER MOVIES

Let’s dive deeper down stalker street with a movie I’ve talked about before here on NN, Martin Scorsese’s reimagining Cape Fear. The all-star cast follows lawyer (Nick Nolte), his wife (Jessica Lange), and daughter (Juliette Lewis) through hell and back as De Niro toys and stalks each one after his lengthy prison sentence which he blames his lawyer (Nolte) for. Most notably, De Niro’s scenes with a young Lewis are goddamn skeevy, especially when he shows up at her school, and can be a hard watch as it heads straight into pedophile territory as he tries to manipulate the girl into playing the game with Nolte to rustle some father feathers. It works. It rustled ALL our feathers.

:Shudders: Pick up your copy here!

8. The Cable Guy

This might be an unconventional choice, but fuck it. It’s my list and I do what I want. And quite frankly, Jim Carrey as a mentally disturbed friend obsessed with Matthew Broderick’s character really cracked open the door for the actor’s range capabilities. Sure he was still hilarious (the password is nipple), but in a much darker tone as the movie trenched forward.

Chip, the cable guy (Carrey) makes Steven (Broderick) one of his preferred customers after Steven asks for a cable hook-up on the condition they hang out every so often. That “every so often” turns into a very intrusive, comical, and then sort of really disturbing type of relationship where things get a little dangerous for Steven and those who are close to him.

Fun Fact: The role of Chip was originally written for Chris Farley!

Grab your copy here!

7. Sleeping With The Enemy

Patrick Bergin is the goddamn devil and no one can convince me otherwise with those piercing eyes. A handsome devil? YES. But his character of Martin Burney is one hell of a nasty one.

Laura (Julia Roberts) and Martin (Bergin) seem to have a picture-perfect marriage. A beach house. High society parties. Black eyes for the wife. Oh, wait… Yeah. It’s that type of marriage. Things get so violent for poor Laura that she fakes her own death just to get away from this monster. Of course, there’s no movie without him finding out and then tracking her down to the new life she’s made- and a new love interest to boot. And boy oh boy, if you thought Symphonie Fantastique was creepy in The Shining, just wait for it.

Pick it up here on Amazon.

6. Single White Female

This movie may be the sole responsible factor for the downfall in advertising for roommates they don’t know. And with good reason nowadays.

Starring Jennifer Jason Leigh and Bridget Fonda, Single White Female became a pillar for stalker thrillers of the 90s’, concocting the perfect formula for films that tried to duplicate this masterpiece years after. The roommate from Hell that basically takes over your identity tries to screw your boyfriend and kills your fucking dog is enough of a nightmare for anyone to even fathom. Truly one of the best here.

Grab it here!

5. The Hand That Rocks The Cradle

Peyton is such a dirty bitch that I love to hate.

Peyton (Rebecca De Mornay) had it all until it was taken from her under some seriously tragic circumstances. Her husband, a gynecologist with “traveling hands” is called out by protagonist Claire Bartel (Annabella Sciorra) which sets off a series of events leading Miss Peyton into revenge mode by posing as a nanny for the Bartel family. Peyton is clearly suffering a psychotic break brought on by PTSD, and while I’m a massive advocate for mental health, it certainly doesn’t excuse the atrocities of her behavior. I’d almost feel bad for her if like, murder and shit weren’t involved. Although I admit that I, and I think most parents did everywhere, cracked a smile when she told that kid bully she was “gonna rip his fuckin’ head off. “

Anyway, pick up one of my personal favorites here!

4. Unlawful Entry

Ray Liotta in my opinion, is one of the most underrated actors of the past 50 years and by underrated, I mean constantly snubbed by all film award ceremonies; and that’s a fuckin’ shame. I may not be the Academy (fuck them anyway) but I can certainly put his stalker thriller Unlawful Entry in the top five!

Liotta is Officer Pete, a cop who stalks couple Kurt Russell and Karen Carr after answering a failed burglary call from their home. I mean, the LAST person you really want stalking you is a police authoritarian who skates his way through loopholes and damn does Liotta put out a great performance of a mentally disturbed cop. Opposite the great Kurt Russell make this a must-watch for this genre.

Grab your physical copy here!

3. The Crush

Before she was “clueless”, Alicia Silverstone turned heads in this teenage angst psychodrama where she just couldn’t take no for an answer from Cary Elwes. The Crush is basically a more fun, Fatal Attraction for younger viewers and Adrian is right up with Glenn Close in her role as a psycho woman- except she’s only 14 in the film. Which just ups the creep factor even higher.

Cary Elwes rents a guest house from a wealthy family with a strong-head daughter Adrian (Silverstone). It’s clear from the start Adrian has some odd tendencies, but that becomes more clear as she seduces the much older Elwes over and over again in some really cringe-worthy ways. When she is rejected, enter stalker-level psycho Adrian who is pretty much going to make this guy’s life hell because she’s in love with him?! It’s a lot man. And it is so damn good.

Need a copy? As you wish…

2. Misery

Ahh, Annie Wilkes. The poster child for the obsessive fan in all of us. Well, except she takes it just a little too far.

Misery is the magnum opus in the horror community as far as obsessive stalkers are concerned and without a doubt, Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates) is top-notch terrifying as she stalked her prey, author Paul Sheldon (James Caan). Wilkes staged an accident and held the guy hostage torturing him all along the way in the name of love. Well, whatever love means to a cockadoody brain like Wilkes. Which I suppose means imprisoning her obsession and forcing a narrative in her mind under her supervision. It’s fan servicing taken to a literal extreme. And I love it.

Get the collector’s edition from SHOUT! Factory here!

1. FEAR

I LOVE YOU TO DEATH: EXPLORING THE TOP 10 90S' OBSESSIVE STALKER MOVIES

When anyone thinks of 90s’ stalker love, FEAR is the one that almost always comes up, and with good reason- it is goddamn insane and has every film trope done right a movie like this warrants: and ok, Marky Mark showing off his umm, skillful hands on a roller coaster is a nice added bonus.

This chest-pounding treasure of our childhoods was a stern warning to young female adolescents who are becoming impatient in their very normal sexual frustrations and need to feel loved. Poor Nicole (Reese Witherspoon) fell hook, line, and sinker for David’s (Mark Wahlberg) charm and Boston accent. Only later to reveal he’s an extremely dangerous, and unstable individual. Pretty much like everyone else on this list. Except he kills a dog. And not just kills it but beheads it. And that my friends, is the true epitome of evil. So congrats David, you piece of shit! You made it to number one!

Grab your physical copy here!

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Reader, Beware! It’s The Top 10 Goosebumps Books From the Original Series

The Summer of 1992 was memorable for at the time, this ten-year-old kid. The Summer of blockbusters including those of Batman Returns and Aladdin were fun movie-going memories among a very disappointing release of Alien 3 that just totally sucked in the eyes of this fifth-grade graduate. Beyond a handful of movies catered to someone like me releasing for the summer crowds and the introduction to a little arcade number at the game way alleys entitled Mortal Kombat, little was grabbing my attention for this soon-to-be middle schooler who was just entering into her seriously awkward phase of existence-one of which over 30 years later is still struggling to come out of. That is until one fateful day in early August of 1992.

After a round of horror movie rentals at my local Action Video, my pops and I ran into the next-door Osco Drugs to grab some soda and snacks. On every trip there, I would obviously make my way to the toy and magazine section when I came across something eye-popping. A book that stood out from the rest nestled in between some Judy Blume bullshit and something else I can’t even recall. The cover was unlike anything I had ever seen: a drippy slime-like title with tiny raised bumps etched within compared to that of a brail-like quality with a colorful yet dark and eerie picture of a haunted house on the cover splashed with a Blob purplish-pink background, (done by Tim Jacobus who has illustrated over 100 Goosebumps covers for Stine). “Welcome To Dead House” was the first entry of these books to eventually come home with me and so began the Summer of Goosebumps with many thereafter for millions of kids just like me.

I had also become completely obsessed with collecting every single book upon release and let me tell you something: Middle School Scholastic Book Fairs became even more glorious with the addition of Goosebumps and posters my friends.

1995 Scholastic Book Fair Poster

For 30 years, R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps has become a nostalgic phenomenon that has carried over to the next generation of young readers. With the addition of the 90s TV series, various Goosebumps-related literary works, and two blockbuster films, Goosebumps has become a right of passage for those seeking a gateway into the horror genre while being encouraged to read. The original book series which debuted in July of 1992, consisted of 62 original titles that were written between 1992 and 1997. Worth noting that Goosebumps was listed 15th in the list of most frequently challenged books during the 90s’ and 94th in the list of top banned/challenged books during 2000–2009. When the pearl-clutching tightwads of the American Library Association claim your books to be “too frightening for young people and depicting occult or demonic themes,” I’d say you’re doing something right.

As for my personal favorites? Well, I ruminated tirelessly over what I consider my personal top 10 books of the original series, and here are the ones that brought me, and so many others, the most joy during those awkward adolescent years (and still continue to do so).

*Some of the blurbs are a bit spoiler-y. Just a heads up.

10. Night Of The Living Dummy II #31

We just couldn’t get enough Slappy the first go-around so Stine wrote a sequel, and eventually a third, making a trilogy out of the wise-crackin’ ventriloquist dummy. Slappy invades a new family and his shenanigans begin immediately as his new “slave” Amy finds those magic words tucked away in his pocket and of course, being a kid reads them out loud not knowing she’s unleashing hell on herself and everyone surrounding her, bringing Slappy to life.

It reads just as good as the first with that Twilight Zone vibe all the way through, and hey because it’s Slappy, he gets on this list twice.

9. Attack of the Jack-O-Lanterns #48

Halloween and Goosebumps go together like peanut butter and jelly every time and “Attack of the Jack O Lanterns” is right up there with one of the greatest twist endings in a Goosebumps book. It involves two scary pumpkin-headed beings forcing kids to trick-or-treat forever and honestly, I don’t see any issue with that personally.

8. Deep Trouble #19

Being a huge fan while being simultaneously scared shitless of JAWS as a kid, it seemed like only a matter of time before Stine put out a book with a cover mocking this treasure. I’ll forgive the fact it’s sort of misleading as the Hammerhead pictured on the front isn’t the star of the story- as the tale resembles more like the movie Splash! rather than JAWS. However, it’s still a fun, and adventurous read especially curled up on the beach listening to the waves crash onto the shore.

7. Werewolf Of Fever Swamp #14

Werewolves have been always been my favorite kind of mythological creature and when this book came out, I must have read it 10 times in one year alone. Also, unlike “Deep Trouble”, the cover isn’t deceiving us as this story is actually about a goddamn werewolf in a swamp.

Worth noting that one of the main characters’ name is Grady. Perhaps a play on Stephen King’s Silver Bullet Tarkers Mills’ local smartass, Brady? Probably not, but I like to think that way. Anyway, a story about friendship, loyalty, and werewolves makes any top ten list of Goosebumps books any day of the week.

6. The Scarecrow Walks At Midnight #20

Another fantastic entry with another favorite cover of mine. “The Scarecrow Walks At Midnight” is one of the Goosebumps books that would make a really great, and terrifying horror film if done right. Scarecrows coming to life via spells from a book? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP. The ambiance of the book really sets the mood of a scary story with a farm in the boonies. But also, chocolate pancakes and Gameboy. If you know you know.

5. Say Cheese and Die! #4

“Say Cheese and Die!” is not only one of the coolest stories in the original series but also has one of the raddest illustrations for any Goosebumps book… PERIOD. Reading like a tale told by Rod Serling himself, Stine channeled his inner Twilight Zone lord on this one with a cursed camera that in turn, curses the object being photographed with something bad to happen to it in the near future. If it’s not in everyone’s top 5, are you even Goosebump-ing right?

4. Monster Blood #3

“Monster Blood” had such an impact on Goosebumps fans that it spawned three more tales devoted to the slimy substance AND makes appearances throughout Stine’s other books as well.

In the 90s, what kid wasn’t attracted to cans of mystery goo? With the success of Nickelodeon’s trademark slime, toys like GAK and Dr. Dreadful’s food slime lab were must-haves for our generation of weirdos. So, of course, we had to have a Goosebumps book of a slime that brows into blob proportions eating people! Seems like the obvious move and the correct one at that.

3. Night Of The Living Dummy #7

Slappy’s face is the stuff of fucking nightmares. Like “Monster Blood”, “Night of the Living Dummy” made a monumental impact on Goosebumps readers, appearing several times throughout the series of books and even had a pretty prominent role in the 2015 Goosebumps movie. All deserving as this little fucker is basically a pre-curser to Chucky himself. Perhaps not as homicidal, but a ventriloquist’s dummy chasing you through the house screaming you’re “his slave” is enough to guarantee a few sleepless nights.

2. One Day At Horrorland #16

A fucked up family vacation? Or the most fun one yet? A personal perspective if there ever was one. A theme park or carnival is the ideal background setting and R.L Stine brings an original tale of horror fantasy to life in such a way that no one has ever forgotten this entry from their childhood Scholastic days.

As someone who has a bit of a phobia of certain carnival rides because I’m a little bitch who thinks a lot of them look sketchy and unsafe, this further fucked up my thoughts on the matter as a kid. Even now as an adult, if a carnival cook looks at me wrong, I’m not above pinching the bastard.

1. The Haunted Mask #11

“The Haunted Mask” in my worthless, blogg-o opinion, is the Magnum Opus of the Goosebumps series as it’s every single thing we love about the books rolled into one story- and set on Halloween night!

As someone who just adores Halloween III: Season of the Witch, “The Haunted Mask” plays on the dangers of a simple Halloween mask but also summons the young readers in telling a cautionary tale that every kid should hear and heed: You yourself are perfect just as you are. As Sheriff Brackett says, “It’s Halloween. Everyone is entitled to one good scare”, and that’s exactly what Carly Beth, our main protagonist got when she lifts a mask from the sketchy back warehouse of a drug store, even though she was warned NOT to mess with them and they were not for sale. The mask soon takes over her soul because of course that’s what happens when you screw around with cursed Halloween masks. Fucking kids, man.

And besides, the illustrated mask looks like a cover of a death metal album and I’m here for it.

So there you have it. My personal top ten Goosebumps books from the original series. Thanks, R.L. Stine for 30 years and going of frights and fun while encouraging reading for young horror fans. A legend if there ever was one.

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OoOoh Baby. Ooo, Baby… It’s the Top 10 Horror Movies of 1985!

Another year has gone by, and another batch of movies hitting the big 40 hits me right in the gut—or perhaps that’s just my IBS talking. Either way, it has me reminiscing about the golden age of horror and the best that 1985 brought to the table. And OooO, baby, it was one hell of a year to be a horror fan. In particular, a fan of zombie movies at that. Or Miguel A. Núñez, Whichever you prefer.

The myriad of great films from the genre in 1985 serves as the pillar for what fans truly love about 80s horror. Tons of nonsensical plot lines, gore, boobs, and just enough cheese to grate on top without overdoing it, has evolved these once-regarded “trash horror” movies by snooty critics, into classics held high in the community and even outside the fan club in some cases.

I think Trash herself would just take that compliment.

I’ll just say it: It’s arguably one of the greatest years in horror history. And it sure as hell wasn’t easy trying to rank them either? How the fuck am I supposed to rank movies like RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, SILVER BULLET, FRIGHT NIGHT, and DAY OF THE DEAD together? That shit just isn’t fair. But here I am, once again torturing myself into doing it. So let’s just get to it, eh?

10. THE STUFF

Director: Larry Cohen

I love how the very first scene of this movie is some random guy who saw a goopy, bubbling substance on the ground and decided to eat it. It just sets the president for the whole film that it’s just absolutely bonkers. Aside from THEY LIVE, THE STUFF is the quintessential Reagan-Era horror satire where corporate control of the food supply and the manufactured desire for its consumption offer an incredible insight masked behind a wild-as-shit horror movie. I love THE BLOB and INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, and this just feels like the perfect hodgepodge of those movies.

It’s called The Stuff, and, believe me, enough is never enough- and I can’t get enough of this Cohen treasure of the 80s.

9. HOUSE

Directed by: Steve Miner 

DING DONG. YOU’RE DEAD! Man, I love that tagline.

This was an absolute sleepover staple back in the day. HOUSE was that movie where the trailer made the film seem a lot scarier than it actually is. As a matter of fact, it’s laugh-out-loud bat-shit bonkers and I’m here for every flying murderous garden tool second of it. Vietnam vet turned famous writer Roger Cobb returns to his Aunt’s house after her death and where his son went missing to write his latest book when a bunch of unexplained things begin to happen – is it all in his head? (well what do you think?)

If Joe Dante had directed EVIL DEAD 2 it would probably have looked something like this. Slapstick horror but with the gore switched off, HOUSE is a fun ride that I like to ride a few times in a row.

8. DEMONS

Directed by: Lamberto Bava

With Dario Argento writing the script, DEMONS is what happens when a pair of yuppies, a young couple, couple of college girls, a wise old blind man along with his nympho companion, a gang of Class of ’84 reject punks, and a mack-daddy pimp with his two hos all get trapped in a movie theater possessed by demons. It’s fucken chaos and gore galore in a perfect Italian horror event where the heroes of the movie are the goddamn beautiful practical effects that you just can’t get enough of. Nothing happens in this movie for any other reason than for the sake of being cool, and I enjoy the hell out of it.

Moral of the story: never, ever accept free movie tickets from a fella dressed as a bootleg Phantom of the Opera.

7. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V: A NEW BEGINNING

Directed by:  Danny Steinmann

Jason is back… Or is he? I honestly feel like it’s only been in recent years where, publicly anyway, it’s been acceptable to praise this entry in the Friday franchise without getting absoulty shit on by toxic horror fans. I’ve been there and it was annoying as fuck. So thank Enchiladas, some of ya’ll have seen the light of Roy and have leaned into what I call, the HALLOWEEN III of the F13 sequels. It had its hate run, but now that’s over and you NEW BEGINNING haters are a dying breed. I’m sorry, but how can you NOT love a movie where the slaughter of an entire camp inhabited by mentally ill teenagers started over a fucking chocolate bar? Plus this was also my introduction to Pseudo Echo and I still to this day will get up and dance the Violet whenever their track hits on Spotify.

6. A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

Directed by:  Jack Sholder

You’ve got the body. I’ve got the brain.

The red-headed bastard son of a 100 maniacs sequel is wildly considered, even today to many, to be not so much a favorite. Which is just bonkers to me. It’s miles away different from Wes Craven’s masterpiece- almost an entirely different film with Freddy attached to it, but it doesn’t make it bad. Ok, the gym teacher scene picking up Jesse from the S&M Club and getting towel-whipped to death is a bit much, but the pool scene more than makes up for it. In fact, it’s one of the most brutal scenes in the franchise-Freddy running amok at a midnight pool party? YES PLEASE.  But let’s talk about the pink elephant in the room: This film is so blatantly queer in many ways that, surprisingly, many didn’t even notice it when it came out. If you’re not convinced that Jesse is gay after seeing the Kate Bush poster hanging in his room, then I don’t know what else to tell you. I’m just sad we didn’t get an ending with Jesse and Ron running up into the sunset.

DAY OF THE DEAD

Directed by: George A. Romero

The darkest day of horror the world has ever known!

This masterpiece of a zombie flick has it all. The total collapse of civilization, the intersection of scientific ethics and bloodthirsty militarism, and BUB- the greatest zombie to have ever been reincarnated from death. With God-tier Savini gore FX, the emotional, political, and moral realities Romero carves into these people before we see them shredded to pieces are masterfully done in visuals that stick with you well beyond a viewing. It’s the quintessential thought-provoking zombie flick of the 80s, and Romero to the core. Oh, and a badass opener and soundtrack to boot.

RE-ANIMATOR

Directed by: Stuart Gordon

Cat’s dead. Details later.

I’m gonna get shot for this: but I much prefer the ripoff rendition theme of RE-ANIMATOR than the PSYCHO version it was samples from.

This is a movie where I’d love to watch myself watching it because I can feel myself grinning like a goddamn idiot the entire time. It’s a wonderfully campy low-budget horror b-movie with some hilarious scenery-chewing performances from its entire cast, Jeffrey Combs especially, and great practical gore effects. Plus we got quotes like, “Who’s going to believe a talking head, get a job in a side show?!”. It’s just hard to beat with the lovely Barbara Crampton to boot, Noy to mention, the most traumatic/hilarious cat death since Boondock Saints. I love how moments of crazy just escalate in RE-ANIMATOR, especially the bonkers finale that goes off the rails into a pure schizoid panic of insanity—very much my definition of perfection.



STEPHEN KING’S SILVER BULLET

Directed by:  Daniel Attias

Holy balded-headed jumping Jesus palomina. I can hear the people coming for me now putting this and RE-ANIMATOR ahead of DAY OF THE DEAD. But, you know…

I don’t give a fuckkkkk.

CYCLE OF THE WEREWOLF was, and still is, one of my favorite quick novellas’ to read over the span of my life and while this movie strays far and a lot of away from the structure of King’s little book, it does hold faithful regard to the heart of the story- the unlikely hero of Marty. SILVER BULLET expands the twelve-month itinerary novella further into a full-blown werewolf tale of horror with a soundtrack and imagery that is haunting as fuck. Everett McGill as Reverend Lowe was born to play that were-bear (I still don’t think that costume is as bad as everyone thinks), and Gary Busey gives us comic relief with his ‘pissing on the Yankees‘ one-liners and the fact that the man wrassles a werewolf. That’s enough to give this the top 3 spot.

Oh, and this scene right here.

FRIGHT NIGHT

Directed by: Tom Holland

Jerry Dandridge. Making vampires sexy again.

This movie is such a miracle to watch and every single scene steals me away like it’s the first time watching it after well over the 100th time. Tom Holland’s directorial debut is a masterpiece of 80’s horror.  Combining just the right amount of comedy and thrills, it checks all the boxes with a cherry on top with Roddy McDowall as Peter Vincent.  The practical effects by Richard Edlund and Ken Diaz are phenomenal and to this day, feels like it’s the best interpretation of the gothic creature when Sexy Chris Sarandon flips the script into his evil form. Also, Evil Ed is pretty rad too. The fact that this is a teenage 80s rendition of REAR WINDOW with Charley in the seat of James Stewart but with vampires is fucking smart as hell. It’s just about the most perfect 80s film there is.

Jerry Dandridge dancing in the club with Amy and being this illegally horny is the hottest thing I’ve seen a vampire could do. He is for sure, the biggest-dicked vampire in cinema. I just know I’m right about this. I’ve seen Nosferatu’s ween. It’s nothing to write home about.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD

Directed by: Dan O’ Bannon

IT’S PARTY TIME!

In my opinion, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD is the ultimate offering from 1985 because quite simply, it has something for everyone. Dan O’Bannon (creator of ALIEN screenplay) delivered a one-two knock-out punch of comedy and horror with endlessly quotable lines.  The idea of a zombie that runs and can’t be killed is just shit your pants kind of scary, let alone a horde of them.

So many standout performances from the likes of scream queen Linnea Quigley, Clu Gulager, and James Karen that had me running around screeching like a rabid weasel.  When the director offers to eat real calf brains with the actors, then you know you have something special.

I love that the zombies can talk about how much it sucks to be a zombie and make me feel sorry for them. I love that even though they have been decomposing in the ground for years, they still have perfectly formed bright blue eyeballs. I love that they can wag their exposed spinal column’s like a dog’s tail. I love James Karen and Thom Matthews who are ‘turning’ over a ridiculously drawn out and hilarious length of time, like half the movie, and listening to them bitch and complain every step of the way. I could go on and on but I’ll just finish with this:

Is it the best zombie film?  I think arguably so.  “ It’s not a bad question, Burt.

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