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Nightmares, Blockbusters, and Mass Hysteria! Top 10 Greatest Horror Movies of 1984!

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In the year of our Lord, 1984, Apple launched its very first Macintosh Computer commercial bringing the wave of the future that would soon enter classrooms-Oregon trail anyone? Wendy’s wondered, “Where’s the Beef?” And Michael Jackson traded his lovely locks for a set of singed hairs on the set of the Pepsi commercial. It was a massive time for Pop Culture, consumerism, and the start of international benefit concerts and albums such as Band-Aid. It was the epitome of the Reagan era-who absolutely walloped Walter Mondale in the presidential primary election of that year. 1984 was also the year we were introduced to several legendary horror icons and franchises, Reaganomics not included, that have become some of the most beloved in the genre fan base. From a jacked, unstoppable Arnold, to a hungry green ghost that loves to slime Bill Murray, to Gremlins cannonballing into swimming pools, 1984 blew the genre into an otherworldly realm: THE BLOCKBUSTER. The two aforementioned films opened on the SAME DAY in 1984. Pretty wild to think that GHOSTBUSTERS and GREMLINS opened against each other on June 8th, 1984 to kick off the Summer and both movies ended up being the highest-performing films at the box office of the year. The combined forces brought in over a whopping $400 million domestically in theaters.

Winston said it best, folks.

1984 horror stood out with the blockbuster numbers for sure, but the year also brought some of the BEST in the Christmas horror game; with a total of three making the top 10 cut here, which is rather unusual for any yearly top ten horror list. One of which was banned from theaters due to a bunch of uptight pearl clutches who can’t differentiate a Santa Claus fiction from, well, another Santa Claus fiction. Crazy concept, eh?

Anyway, let’s get down on it, but real quick: It’s not really a movie but a short and I would never forgive myself for not giving it a spot here, so Honorary Best Horror Short Film goes to:

FRANKENWEENIE

In Tim Burton’s first major debut, his short film FRANKENWEENIE puts a spin on Mary Shelley’s FRANKENSTEIN, and we get our first taste of what I call, “The Burton Touch”. His films’ atmosphere is always immediately recognizable to his taste and character, mashing goth, fantasy, and horror all in one beautiful bubble of his very own genre. This neo-gothic French kiss to one of the greatest horror stories of all time is a virgin Tim Burton popping his cherry to the world, and it’s one of his best.

Before we actually get into this personalized top 10, I have to admit I had a HELL of a time placing these to my satisfaction- and even now writing this I’m definitely struggling because, in a perfect world, no one would EVER ask me to choose between, Slimer, Freddy, Stripe, and the goddamn Terminator. The audacity of this shit has been tasking on my mental health, y’all. So go easy on me.

10. THE TOXIC AVENGER

The only toxic relationship I want in my life. Troma’s 1984 triumph of raunchy cheese with a bullied nerd who, by the powers of toxic waste, becomes-THE TOXIC AVENGER! I still can’t believe this schlocky cult film was ever made into a Saturday morning cartoon for kids where, in the movie itself, had the absolute balls to kill a kid- very brutally! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I respect the hell out of a movie that pulls that kind of shit. When I was a kid in the 80s’, we always used the “points” tally for when we would make each other eat shit on our bikes. Beyond the movie itself being extra over-the-top in true TROMA fashion in gratuitous violence and perky mammary glands, Mop Melvin is the only true Avenger that ever mattered for us horror nerds. We salute you and your tutu, Toxie.

9. NIGHT OF THE COMET

The first of the Christmas Horror films, don’t tell me it isn’t because we WILL fight, is NIGHT OF THE COMET starring Catherine Mary Stewart and horror sweetheart Kelli Maroney, (you can check out our interview with her here!) While the world was waiting for Halley’s Comet to arrive in 1986, in comes a mini zombie apocalypse movie thanks to, well, a comet and leaves us with an end-of-mankind film with two totally ass-kicking women leads. We’re presented with two sisters from the Valley who are not ashamed of their sexuality, nor do they allow themselves to be shamed for it. They are capable of survival with or without a man to save them, and it really kicks that Valley Girl stereotype in the balls. Which is refreshingly different. The soundtrack is amazing. The nostalgia is high, looking back into the golden year of 1984. And it’s Kelli Maroney with zombies. What’s really not to love here?

8. FIRESTARTER

Stephen King’s FIRESTARTER is basically him writing a horror version of an X-MEN comic, and being a HUGE fan of X-MEN, I AM HERE FOR IT. Starring a young Drew Barrymore, Keith David, George C. Scott, and Martin Sheen, FIRESTARTER is Charlie, a little girl wanted by the government for her pyrokinesis and telekinetic abilities and is on the run with her father, who also harbors mind control powers- a little like Professor X! While Charlie’s powers are inherited, her parents’ abilities are the result of a government experiment, and now the shitheads at power want that little girl for their own personal weapon.

With a fantastic score by Tangerine Dream and an outstanding performance by a 9-year-old Drew, FIRESTARTER is miles better than the 2022 remake and I like to think the blueprint for STRANGER THINGS‘ Eleven. It’s not everyone’s favorite King adaptation, I’ve learned over the years, but it’s hard not to enjoy a film that features a little Drew Barrymore in pink bunny slippers telling Martin Sheen to go to hell. Yeah, she can start fires with her mind, but that is almost just as entertaining.

7. CHILDREN OF THE CORN

Ahh. 1984- the year when we attacked Linda Hamilton. Hear me outlanders, another Stephen King adaptation CHILDREN OF THE CORN had us never looking at corn fields the same way ever again. When the children of Gaitlin kill every adult in town on one fine Sunday morning at the will of creepy kid Issac and “he who walks behind the rows”, the premise of creepy kids in horror movies is thrown up a few notches and remains at the tippy-top of the killer-kid genre in the horror field. Enter Linda Hamilton and Peter Horton coming across this ghost town in the middle of cornfield nowhere full of homicidal kids and we got ourselves a good goddamn movie.

Also, one of the greatest PSAs’ for birth control I’ve ever seen.

6. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART IV: THE FINAL CHAPTER

After a year of absence from Jason Voorhees in 1983, FRIDAY THE 13TH attempted to bring the legacy of Jason home with THE FINAL CHAPTER and a definitive ending to our Crystal Lake killer- but we all know that hella didn’t happen. However, IF, this was actually the end of Jason, I felt it would have been a pretty proper send-off. This movie is a goddamn SLASHERTERPIECE. It has every box checked for everything you could want in a 80s slasher film: Corey Feldman. Naked twins. A pervert called Teddy Bear. A banana-eating hitchhiker. And a cool dog that LIVES toward the end of the movie. Also, with a great cast to boot-probably the best cast of all the Friday films, we are gifted with the national treasure of Crispin Glover and a dance that, to this day, no one has ever forgotten.

5. SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT

Our second Christmas horror film of the list-SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT is a personal favorite of mine and one horror flick where no one ever saw a franchise forming but here the fuck we are. And thank fucks because SNDN 5: THE TOYMAKER is a horrible guilty pleasure of mine. The karens’ of 1984 managed to get this holiday horror movie, that consists of a homicidal maniac dressed as Santa that murders a (shocker) naked Linnea Quigley by mounted deer antlers through the tatas, banned from theaters after only a week of it being released. Jokes on you, pearl clutches. That just piqued our interest all the more and we raise our disgusting eggnog to Billy- one of the most unhinged antagonists of a horror movie of all time that we also all collectively feel devastated and sorry for. That’s one hell of a combo and never easy to pull off. Plus, I love pausing the flick and looking around at all the vintage toys in IRA’s… it’s just an added bonus.

Before we go any further, I literally had a panic attack trying to rank the final four films because I love them all almost equally. So, basically what it came down to was longevity, the legacy, and a tad of a personal opinion.

4. The Terminator

Sticking THE TERMINATOR at number 4 hurts my goddamn soul, but hey, these decisions are never taken lightly. Also, I’m sure some would argue that TERMINATOR is NOT a horror movie, and while I tend to agree mostly with that, the premise of an unstoppable force hunting you down and the mass genocide of a human race by machines is enough for it to qualify. Again, we have the lovely Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor who, in the future, gives birth to humankind’s only hope for survival, John Connor. Enter the Arnold, a cyborg consisting of living tissue over a robotic endoskeleton who is sent from the future to terminate Sarah and her upcoming pregnancy. James Cameron at his finest right here but the million-dollar question remains: according to Kyle Reese, these Terminators sweat and have stank breath. Which begs me to ask: these bots fartin’?

3. GREMLINS

Joe Dante and Stephen Spielberg’s team up of the horror Christmas classic GREMLINS, is undoubtedly, one of my own personal favorite films of all time. So putting it at number 3 hurts my own feelings, but someone has to suffer here, I guess. Writer Chris Columbus has us super emotionally invested in GIZMO, a mogwai given to Billy as a Christmas gift from his father who he found, and kind of stole, from a little shop in Chinatown. As cute as he can be, he comes with massive responsibilities that would be hard for any human to have to follow, let alone a teenager. And when the rule of 3 is broken, chaos ensues and Stripe along with a few other minions are born. This holiday movie is just so much fun and can be watched all year long without batting an eye. Although, I have to admit, it’s not really Christmas until I see Mrs. Deagle flying out a window. I just hope her cats were ok!

2. GHOSTBUSTERS

Listen, this seriously pains me putting GHOSTBUSTERS at number 2, but again, here I am, with my sanity slowing melting away like the sludge that drips off Venkman’s earlobes during the Slimer attack. Released on the same day as GREMLINS in June of 1984, GHOSTBUSTERS hits all the marks for what a great Blockbuster film should be and the concept of the action-horror-comedy genre was basically born as such thanks to this film. The 80s would HAVE never looked the same without the Ghostbusters and the mythic spell they put on its audiences that carried over into cartoons, merchandising, and a sequel five years later; not to mention the movies that have followed the events of the 80s’ films over the last few years with MORE coming. I can’t say much about this movie that hasn’t already been said a million times over, but I will say this: The MICK SMILEY MAGIC scene is by far, one of the GREATEST pieces of mood-setting cinematics in the history of film. Yeah, I said that and will die on that hill. The scene highlights ghosts staking their claim onto New York City, but the real monster is the one who let them out- a man with no dick, a Con Edison employee. If you’ve ever lived in New York, it’s completely plausible that a piece of shit like that would bring about the end of the world.

Anyways, enjoy this scene in all it’s brilliance. It’s so damn pretty. I get chills every time I watch it.

1. A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

When it comes down to brass tacks boils and ghouls, Wes Craven’s A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET reigns supreme of 1984 for one reason beyond it being my favorite slasher franchise: Freddy became the forerunner into bringing serious horror into the mainstream market. This is not to shit on HALLOWEEN or FRIDAY THE 13th by any means at all. But history doesn’t lie. Freddy became the face of 80s horror luring a young generation in by his very claws. Between the merch, TV specials, music videos, and hell his own hour on MTV, well, Nancy said it best:

Everyone knows who Freddy is.

It also goes without saying that it’s one HELL of a movie that clawed its imprint on an entire generation of not just horror fans, but reached beyond the genre’s spectators into the minds and fears of those who don’t know dick about horror movies. That’s some serious slasher power right there. To this very day, no remake, reboot, or some carbon copy could ever TOUCH the perfection that is A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. It also has Johnny Depp debuting himself to the world in a crop top. Yeah, that ain’t getting beat today, boys.

Well, nuggets. I can’t imagine literally anyone being happy with this ranking as I’m sure it’s going to cause hell for me via some die-hard fans of these movies. However, I’m ready to hear your praises, complaints, and thoughtful opinions! Let me have it in the comments! And let’s hear it for the massive year that is 1984!

Editorials

Year In Review: The Best Movies and Comebacks of 2022 and the Biggest Disappointments

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2022 was a hell of a year for pop culture, the return to nostalgia, and the horror genre, and let me tell you, it was warmly welcomed after a shitstorm of 24 months of burning hell the years prior. It’s like the universe said, “You know, these humans have had enough panic attacks over the last year-maybe they deserve a bone or two being thrown at them.” Also in the same breath, the universe penalized us for being well, dumb humans, and let the likes of Rob Zombie get ahold of The Munsters franchise as sort of a punishment to our eyesockets.

So on that note, I’ve taken it upon myself to both praise, and bitch at the same time about my favorite, and most disappointing things of 2022. So let’s take a look at the best and the worst of this weird year over here at Nightmare Nostalgia!

2022 hit heavy on the nostalgic feelers by bringing back some fan favorites in pop culture. Some of it was a home run right out of the park, and some fell flatter than a picture of the Earth in a Flat-Earther’s office. But let’s start off on the right foot here.

The Best Returns of 2022

McDonald’s Halloween Buckets

I have a feeling a lot of people are going to disagree with me on this one because of the lids, but hear me out first! It’s been a long time since we saw anything decent come out of a McDonald’s Happy Meal in quite some time and when the fast food giant was once considered to be the King of the Food War Holidays, this was a welcomed return to nostalgia. Was the quality the same as the ones from the 80s and 90s? Nope. Did I care? Also, FUCK NO. I was happy to have them, end of story. We had been clamoring for this return for years and we were finally heard. When the news broke in September, via my big mouth and some insider info, the world lost its ever-loving shit. Tracking them down one by one was a glorious and nostalgic moment for many and I hope McDonald’s gives us round 2 of nostalgic Halloween Pails in 2023. Perhaps the purple witch this time?

Beavis and Butthead

Any kid growing up in the 90s would agree that Beavis and Butthead were a generational byproduct of that decade and we wouldn’t be as cool without it. The original riffers of anything that sucked came back with not just a new series, but a new movie as well- and both were goddamn hilarious. It was as if Mike Judge had never left the idiotic duo behind and given these marvelous morons a purpose in 2022. With music videos making a comeback to the series and honestly, that was the best part of the show when they lent their opinions on what ruled and what was crap, the show also modernized with YouTube clips of random shit. Like a girl eating 10 Big Macs in one sitting while Beavis and Butthead fell in love with her.

Quality entertainment.

The Return of Great Music Via Stranger Things– Kate Bush/Metallica

Stranger Things is no stranger with ringing the bells of nostalgia for all to hear far and wide. But the resurgence of some fantastic 80s music going mainstream and being discovered for the first time via the series is nothing short of a phenomenon really. I’ll be the first to admit I had never heard “Running Up That Hill” prior to Stranger Things (I was born in 1982 mind you), so that was a fantastic discovery for me personally along with millions of others. Also, I’m a bit tickled that “Master of Puppets” shot up to number one on Spotify. As a Metallica fan since I first heard them in 1990, that was a satisfying feeling.

Now, the comebacks that didn’t really work out.

Crunch Tators

At first, I was pretty excited that Lay’s reignited that Gator Tater snack Crunch Tators just in time for the holiday season so we can eat junk and watch rubbish just like Kevin McCallister in Home Alone. But alas, 2 months later and I’ve still YET to find them. Most people were able to find them at their local Dollar General. However, the one I have in my vicinity only harbors rotten sewer stank within the aisles of almost expired potato chips. What a failure and a missed opportunity of a launch for a nostalgic product and quite disappointing.

The Santa Clauses Series

The series nobody asked for. Tim Allen as Santa Clause is great and all and the original 1994 movie is a blast of nostalgic fuzzies. However, this series is pretty dodgy as a continuation of that one-and-done magic. Just stick with the original film and skip this pile of shit. Hell, I’ll be generous and throw in the second one if it helps curve you away from this.

And Now, Drumroll Please… The Best and Worst Horror Movies of 2022!

I rarely talk about modern horror movies around here so here’s an end-of-the-year treat for you guys! Relish it, because it won’t happen again for at least another 6 months. Original ideas won me over in 2022, while sequels to beloved franchises and reboots barely missed the trash can.

Let’s start with the best:

Smile

I knew absolutely nothing going into Smile and that I think made it so much more delightful for me. It’s a melting pot of glorious horror ingredients that include superb acting and an engaging plot with some great jump scares and wtf moments. The monster is the stuff of nightmares. What more can you ask for really?

Barbarian

Barbarian was the biggest surprise of 2022 and I was all here for it. Much like with Smile, Barbarian had all the right elements backed by superior casting to pull off this mother of monstrosities. Also, I’m full of the belief now that if Justin Long appears in a horror movie, his chances of survival are pretty grim.

X

Another movie I had no fucking clue what I was walking into was Ti West’s X. The now-realized middle entry of what is to be a trilogy, as the prequel Pearl was released shortly after with MaXXXine coming soon, is a balls-to-the-wall standout entry in the horror genre filled with retro vibes that mirrors that of a 70s horror film. I enjoyed Pearl, but X had that X factor for me that Pearl was lacking in the way of top-notch bonkers crazy gore, and a nostalgic aesthetic of what horror movies once captured during that era. Also, a crazy horny old Pearl can absolutely give Patrick Bateman a run for his money.

Violent Night

Violent Night is the reason why I waited until the last week of 2022 to put this together because had it not been on here with the best, I would be pretty upset at myself.

David Harbour as a violent Viking turned Saint Nick is the one thing I never knew I wanted or needed but here the fuck I am. And I better goddamn get a sequel next year too! This movie has everything a perfect Christmas Horror movie could ask for. The imagery of a Christmas night filled with over-the-top gore crazy violence added with the wit of David Harbour along with adult-sized Home Alone boobie traps. I need a lot more of this next Christmas fellas.

And with the good, comes the bad.

Here come the stinkers of 2022! Well, they smelled of old Chinese food to me anyway.

Scream

Goddamn, I really hated this. I would call this the second worst out of the entire franchise right behind 4 and with Ghostface headed to New York to pull a Kane Hodder situation, I can’t see getting much better. Unless he boxes someone on a roof, then the movie might be saved. Scream (5) was so boringly predictable that it wasn’t even remotely enjoyable. Scream, in my opinion, should have ended as a trilogy. But what do I know? I’m just a dopey blogger.

Firestarter

I don’t mind reboots at all. As a matter of fact, I rather enjoy another perspective or retelling of a horror film in particular. Firestarter (1982) is definitely up there for me as far as one of my nostalgic favorites of the 80s so I was really excited to see this rendition- only to be massively disappointed by the lack of explanations and felt like an unfinished film. Which is a shame because the acting is great as far as Ryan Kiera Armstrong and Zac Efron are concerned. But good acting can’t save a rushed and shit storyline that undermines the value of a great story.

Nope

Up to this point, I’ve enjoyed the hell out of what Jordan Peele has done for the horror genre from Get Out to his twist on the Twilight Zone. But Nope, is well, a nope for me.

Maybe my expectations were too high but the worst thing you can do to a movie is make it boring. Despite solid performances, the characters’ motivations just don’t feel believable, and the story seems to take ages to set up despite the action-packed opening scene. I would have rather seen a full movie about Gordy the homicidal monkey than a weird take of War Of The Worlds with a giant tissue eating people. I understand the symbolisms and metaphors Peele uses in this film with nature and fame. But it was one of the biggest letdowns of 2022 for me. He can make it right by giving me a Gordy movie, thanks.

Rob Zombie’s The Munsters

Sometimes it’s best to leave nostalgia where it should be-in the past. The Munsters isn’t even really horror, but more of a family-friendly comedy with a gateway horror element- but it’s enough for me to bitch about it.

Rob Zombie trying to fulfill his weird fantasy of Sherri Moon being Lily Munster and we get trash like this. I can’t even talk about this too much without my blood pressure boiling over and at 40, I gotta watch that shit so I’ll say this: This is the biggest pile of dooky of 2022. Just watch the old reruns if you need a good dose of The Munsters, ok? Save your eyes from the blindage of the REAL horror of a really bad movie.

So there you have it. Nightmare Nostalgia’s 2022 year in review. What was your favorite thing this year? Let’s talk below and Happy New Year Nostalgic Nuggets!