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Retro Reviews

Las Vegas Universal Horror Unleashed- Haunted House Review

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Not since the days of MGM’s Scream Park which ran for a few years in the late 90s, has horror hit Vegas on such a massive scale, addressing the desired need for a proper haunt for Las Vegas locals and horror fans alike. The only suitable and worthy of noting haunt for the Vegas Valley, which has been running for the last 30 or so years, is the Mollner (JT Mollner of MY STRANGE DARLING, and THE LONG WALK) family’s FREAKLING BROS. But as with Halloween, the haunt comes and sadly goes, leaving people like me Halloween blue balls for the rest of the year. With UNIVERSAL HORROR UNLEASHED located in Zone 2 of AREA 15, the haunt experience doesn’t see an end on November 1st. And you know what? It’s about time we as a society got a year-round haunt. I’m tired of living like a Halloween gopher only to burrow back into a hole once November arrives.

We arrived as soon as the place opened and were greeted right away with a haunting mist and a lovely vampire and her slave gimp priming you up for what lies ahead in the haunts. With 100,000 square feet of horror play at your fingertips that include scare actors on the ground, AND in the air, this place is BUILT like a horror fan’s personal playground. While it is a Universal property, it is NOT like Halloween Horror Nights at Orlando or Hollywood. For one, it’s air-conditioned, thank fucks, and for me, it was a way more intimate experience. Also, as someone who wears the wrong shoes all the time, I appreciate that it is super walkable.

As for the haunted houses, there are four in total inside Unleashed so let’s dive right into each one- I mean, that’s why you’re here, right?

The Exorcist: Believer

If you loved THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER, then you’re going to thoroughly enjoy the shot for shot storytelling of this haunt. This house in particular was the easiest to navigate through, perhaps because it was better lit than the others, and it jam packed with things to look at. The detail in BELIEVER was absolutely insane, so if there wasn’t a scare actor jumping on my ass every 5 seconds, mind you I’m not bitching about that, I would have lingered in every room just to inspect all the fine attributes that went into making this. My only gripe really is that I would have loved to see the iconic Pazuzu face appear somewhere along the way. Yeah, I know it’s not in this movie in particular, but it would have been a nice touch.

The Scarecrow: The Reaping

This is an original concept built specifically for Las Vegas and this is the one that felt the Halloweeniest of all four haunts. The aesthetics of the outside rival that of the HALLOWEEN 4 opening, albeit a much darker version, with a breeze in your face, lots of hay, and jack o’ lanterns abundant, you can smell Autumn here, and it is damn glorious. Now, because it was pitch black dark inside, the photos I took didn’t take kindly without a flash, (with respect flash cameras were off limits due to obviously that being rude as fuck to the actors and other haunt goers) So, no inside look here, but you can use your imagination. So just picture a really pissed off PumpkinHead-like Scarecrow popping out from every corner of this farmhouse and a corn maze outside. It definitely sets the mood for the upcoming season and was spectacularly done.

UNIVERSAL MONSTERS

Let me just get this out of the way real quick: whoever that scare actor is who plays DRACULA, give that man a raise and keep him happy, Universal. That guy hammed up every second of his performance and I ate that shit up like Halloween candy.

Anyway, I truly love that Universal knows it roots and respects it with the Universal Monsters because without them, they probably wouldn’t be around as those films paved the way for the rest of Universal’s history. The haunt incorporates all the famous monsters we know and love as they each have their own little corner of mischief and mayhem. The set design is gothically delightful and while yes, the jump scares were executed flawlessly, it was a weirdly joyful to just walk around in there. Which most likely I can attribute to being exposed to these films while I was in diapers. Sweet horrific nostalgia. More of this, please!

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

The review you’re about to read is an account of the tragedy which befell a group of two (not so) youths… the tragedy being I wasn’t allowed to join the Saw family. Kind of bullshit if you ask me.

This was my absolute favorite of the four haunts, as it felt like I was walking through the 1974 film and the lens of Tobe Hooper’s immortal horror classic. Chef’s kiss to the set design and whoever’s idea it was to put the opening text credits along with that infamous graveyard corpse opener at the front of the haunt before even going inside. Genius move.

You walk around and see the VW bus at the gas station, turn a hard right and the Sawyer house is right there, fully built in all its glory for you to walk through and try to outrun Leatherface and the rest of the family. With special appearances by Sally, Franklin, and friends, they nailed this experience right down to the bones and chicken feathers. I didn’t want it to end and just like with Believer, I could have lingered around if they had let me just to soak in all the attention to detail.

In addition to the four glorious haunts, horror-themed drinks and bites at the bars and restaurants, there are plenty of places to hang out while enjoying the atmosphere, watch out for MEGAN by the way, and a live show to boot, starring Jack the Clown and Chance with the STAY OR SLAY show that involves audience participation, which yours truly got picked to be a part of. If you look closely, you’ll spot the awkward pickle of the bunch and see me. It’s definitely entertaining, showcasing some crazy talent, and a must-see between haunted housing.

Because I know how Las Vegas can be, I can only hope this attraction stays around for a while because it sure is a breath of fresh air for us horror junkies. When you plan on coming, make sure to pack extra funds for their gift shop, because holy smokes, it is full of wants and needs for every horror fan! And the apparel is HIGH quality, so be prepared to spend extra for that, which I’m more than happy about because there’s nothing I hate more than souvenir t-shirts that don’t last through one washing.

Grab your tickets here and plan your visit today!

Editorials

Listen to Reason: “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” Is Totally A Halloween Movie

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I must admit that I fully know that many of you reading this are going to say this is a far reach; however, I got you here didn’t I?! So you must be open somehow with listening to reason that Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, most certainly can be seen as a Halloween movie.

Pee Wee’s first big-time Hollywood debut is one that many audiences cherish from this nugget in time and one that I personally, have both fond, and nightmarish memories of. The 80s’ really had a knack for taking a family-friendly film and inserting horrific scenes in them, giving kids, and hell even some adults, nightmares for years to come. Great examples of such are Return To Oz, hell that whole movie is a horror show, and how about Atrax’s fate in The Neverending Story? It’s clear as day why anyone of us growing up in the 80s’ needed therapy. Pee Wee’s Big “Halloween” Adventure is no exception, as the movie is chock full of sketchy scenes that are horrific in nature, horror movie references, and plenty of Halloween decor to give us that good ol’ Halloween feeling that we’re watching a film dedicated to our all-time favorite holiday.

So let’s open with the fact that this Tim Burton’s first big directorial debut, working alongside composer Danny Elfman. Who we all know when the pair are teamed together, make one hell of a kooky, gothic soundtrack that can only be described as well, Halloween-ish. Even in the light-hearted musical excerpts from the film have an underlying spook factor that you just can’t smooth over. And I absolutely love that shit.

Then, of course, there’s Pee Wee’s home. First off, there are Jack-O-Lanterns all over the house, skeleton cling decor, and a creepy Abe Lincoln with his minion animal dinosaur skeletons helping make Pee Wee breakfast. Pee Wee even sleeps with a cow skull attached to his headboard, with Godzilla figures keeping a watchful eye over his slumbers. I think Doc Brown would approve of the breakfast contraption, while I wholeheartedly approve of the creepy representation.

The Lobster might be mocking my Halloween vibes.
Notice the big ceramic (maybe) pumpkin on the shelf in the background.
The makings of a madman sleeping with cow skulls.
Another ceramic jack-o!
I spy some sort of weird Jack-O-Lantern dummy prop!

Hell, there’s even a little Jack-O-Lantern set up in the front yard that is a part of his secret hiding spot for his bike!

Then there’s Mario’s Magic shop, where it’s anything but. It just looks like a hole-in-the-wall Halloween store where horror fanatics are frequent flyers. Halloween masks and shrunken heads galore. Tell me this doesn’t scream Halloween mini-mart?

Not to mention the mistress of the dark herself, Elvira makes a cameo not only in the film as the badass biker chick, but on the wall of Mario’s at the entrance!

Now let’s talk about some of that nightmare-inducing imagery. Recurring scary clowns are all over this movie, and every single one of them gives all the damn skeevies.

Then there’s a delightful appearance with Francis as the devil murdering Pee Wee’s precious bike. I gotta tell you this whole dream sequence was pretty anxiety-inducing as a kid. Softcore kid horror at its finest folks.

Oh, and let’s not forget, there’s a Day of the Dead parade happening in the middle of the movie. Which, of course, happens to be celebrated on the day after Halloween.

For context, this is seen during the chase between Andy and Pee Wee.

Last, but certainly not least, who could forget the most iconic scene from Big Adventure- LARGE MARGE. Yes sir. It was the worst accident I’ve (never seen). And I’m still of the opinion that Marge needs her own stand-alone horror film where we dive into her death and her restless spirit scaring the shit out of hitchhikers. Thanks.

I’m not here to convince anyone that Pee Wee’s Big Adventure is definitively a Halloween film, but I sure do get those Halloween vibes every time I watch it and it hits those notes even higher and more profound around the October season. Whether you agree with me or not, let’s at least agree that the movie rules.

Editorials

“Jason Takes Manhattan” Is The PROPER Ending To The “Friday The 13th” Franchise

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What a time to be alive. Growing up alongside slasher horror movies in the 80s’ was certainly a peak moment for many adolescent horror fans in the decade. As the villains’ became pop-culture phenomenons appearing on lunch boxes and bootleg toys, our special boy Jason Voorhees was no exception to the horror synthwave of the 80s’. With the exception of 1983 and 1987, Friday the 13th was the ONLY series of films to release one movie every single year from 1980-1989 with everyone bearing some charm, gore, and new angle to bring Jason back onto the scene for more murderous rampages on teenagers. After 1989, they tried to resurrect him again, but people like me just weren’t buying it. Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan was the true and final ending to a decade-long franchise of the Crystal Lake Killer.

Fight me.

Let’s rewind a bit: In The Final Chapter, Corey Feldman’s Tommy Jarvis successfully accomplished what everyone was trying to do for 4 years- kill Jason. While technically, this right here would have been a dignifying sendoff for our special, special boy, fans clamored for more and the studios pulled a 180 by bringing him back in A New Beginning… Well sort of. We all THOUGHT we were watching Voorhees torment a now teenage Tommy laying low in a camp for troubled teens- mass murder from a guy in a hockey mask in a Friday the 13th film, who else would it have been? The twist is that it was actually paramedic Roy Burns who, like Pamela before him, went into a homicidal rage after the death of his kid. Jason was still dead and the murders were done by a copycat. This kind of pissed off audiences and they felt cheated. While I always thought that was a clever route to go down by refreshing the storyline, much like with Halloween III, fans wanted the REAL Jason.

Bending to the fans who can make or break the studios, Paramount begged for forgiveness with Jason Lives. A more focused, and determined Jarvis returns to Jason’s grave to ensure he truly is dead. And he is until Jarvis and a friend open the casket for a Frankenstein resurrection moment to happen with Voorhees. And we’re off to the races again with a more powerful zombie Jason in predator mode- until he gets trapped at the bottom of the lake not once, but TWICE. The first time is when Jarvis sends him back to his watery grave from which he was formed in Part 6, and again with Tina’s telekinetic powers in Part 7. I mean, if it didn’t work the first time what made anyone think it would a second? Now, let’s get to where Jason takes a boat, I mean Manhattan, and the true and final ending to Voorhees.

I honestly don’t give a shit what anyone says. Jason Takes Manhattan is probably the most fun Friday movie given to us in the 80s’. It almost becomes such a parody of itself in the process of the film that you just can’t help but overlook the cop-out of him only spending about the last 20 minutes of the movie in New York; which at the time, had quite the reputation of being a dangerous place indeed full of crime and sketchy individuals. Jason fits right into the mold.

Jason’s final confrontation with main characters, Rennie and Sean, has them ending up in the city subway system, where it’s coincidentally revealed that a river of toxic waste is released every single night. In pursuit, Jason gets trapped inside the toxic waste, and reverts to a child-like state- and HE SPEAKS! This is blasphemy! Jason never uttered one word throughout the whole franchise, yet while his face is melting away and sees a river of more sewer waste pounding towards him, he cries for “mommy”. It’s actually sort of gut-wrenching and a stern reminder that Jason really just has the mind of a child. This is only validated further when Reenie sees Jason’s childhood self, at peace in death among the waters.

Ok, who’s cutting onions in here!

I truly feel as if this was the proper send-off to an otherwise tragic character. Not this Jason Goes To Hell garbage that made him a demon-body-hopper. I don’t know, maybe I’m too sentimental, but I believe an icon as important to the genre as this deserves a fitting ending if we’re going to give him one.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

Friday the 13th Collection [Blu-ray]