Time to saturate my blog with yet another Halloween post, and no fucks are given at this point — especially when it comes to HALLOWEEN 4.
In the spirit of the spooky season, Halloween “ghoul logs” have become a popular ambiance effect added to our seasonal mood-enhancing routines, modeled after the infamous Yule Log. Horror’s favorite channel Shudder recognized this need with their new addition to the Ghoul Log to the site’s streaming service; adding several options with a typical scary Jack-O, and the Trick R Treat effect. However, YouTube offers other options for those who choose to go another direction, like Brandon Tobatto or Sinister, who has uploaded a couple of glorious pieces of ambiance you can stream directly to your computer or TV via the YouTube app. And yep, you guessed it- It’s all about HALLOWEEN 4.
I’ve gone off numerous times about how much I enjoy the sinister ambiance ofThe Return of Michael Myers, and I’m just glad someone who feels the same way I do, decided to put this beautiful hour-and-thirty-three-minute long neighborhood and opener mood setting from the film into a Ghoul Log of its own. The windy streets, subtle hues of black and blue, along with all the houses Rachel and Jamie encountered on their fateful night of trick or treating are all featured in a continuous slide show of peaceful yet sinister Halloween nostalgia in one. The other is that GORGEOUS Halloween opener that gives off that perfect feeling of an eerie countryside Halloween vibe that I, and many others, are completely obsessed with. Both are winners, here. And so are we for having them.
To be a horror fan, and what’s more, a horror slasher fanatic in the year 1988 was probably peak orgasms for genre enthusiasts, and we had more than material in that year alone to make every one of us cream our jeans. Classics like THEY LIVE, CHILD’S PLAY, and KILLER KLOWNS IN OUTER SPACEtouched just the tip of the iceberg in the massive slew of horror films we got this year; including sequels to the unholy trinity of the horror slashers-Jason, Freddy, and Michael. So it was only appropriate, and damn right of them, for People Magazine to give these guys their due credit with a special spread and photoshoot honoring horror’s greatest icons.
Bringing together for the first time Robert Englund (Freddy), Kane Hodder (Jason), George P. Wilbur (Michael- HALLOWEEN 4), and Bob Elmore (Leatherface- TCM 2) like this is not something we’ve seen before, and never will again in the light of Wilbur’s passing in 2023; and it’s just beautiful.
The article in People that banded together the foursome of fear was unleashed on newsstands on November 7th, 1988, with a cute picture of Baby Jessica on the cover (remember that debacle)? That kid went through more trauma than any of these bad boys could give her so why not, eh? And with the releases ofHALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER, and FRIDAY THE 13th PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD dominating the horror game in 1988, it was time for horror fans to truly celebrate as these homicidal maniacs were finally to be taken seriously as major influences in the genre and pop culture fandom as a whole. It really was a major win for us as only a few years prior, the MSM ran countless stories, and news pieces about how horror films were trash and led to violent teenagers. Just another arm of the whole Satanic Panic bullshit that needed to be laid to rest. And the fact these iconic characters and their legacies are even stronger today than it was over 35 years ago, is a testament of the power the four horsemen of the slasher films have on our dark, corroded hearts.
So let’s take a look at what PEOPLE had to say about our boys, huh?!
They’re the reason that Hollywood accountants sleep well at night and American teens don’t. Averaging 20 victims per outing, these Hollywood horror hounds have laid a trail of death over a quarter-mile long (assuming a 5-foot skull-to-toe-tag span per corpse). The box office take from their combined 17 monstrous flicks has topped a bloody $500 million. So, for Halloween, it seemed ghoulishly appropriate that Jason, Freddy, Michael and Leather-face, the peerless princes of the pathological, gather to compare notes.
Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder, 33), the hockey-masked murderer of the Friday the 13th movies, which have grossed $172.5 million to date, groans about his teenage telekinetic adversary in Friday Part VII. “I chase her out onto the porch, and she causes the entire front of the house and the roof to collapse. About 700 pounds fell right on my head,” he moans. “Kind of rang my bell.”
George P. Wilbur, 46, the new endoskeleton beneath the other masked maniac, Michael Myers of the Halloween series ($168 million), is not to be outdone. Myers has just emerged from a 10-year coma to launch more mayhem in the new Halloween 4, and Wilbur is trying to number his latest cache of victims. “Oh, it’s countless,” he says despairingly. “A minimum of 15. I’ve got a massive body count on this one.”
Resting on the 45-inch blade of his insatiable chainsaw, Leatherface (Bob Elmore, 35) reminisces about filming the first sequel to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre($100 million) in 1986. “It was 170°,” he moans. “But I destroyed a Mercedes, killed lots of people and cut a guy’s head off. So that was real nice.”
Freddy Krueger (the recently wed Robert Englund), 39, is the only actor here to have played his fiendish character in every sequel of A Nightmare on Elm Street I through 4, which have grossed $148 million. Now star of the new TV series Freddy’s Nightmares, he looks undead on his feet per usual. The char-grilled “bastard son of a hundred maniacs” is lazily skewering apple slices on his razor fingers. Sneering in perfect Freddy fashion and baring his rotting fangs, he raises his wineglass and hisses a toast: “This blood’s for you, sucker.”
Uh, thanks, Freddy, and Happy Halloween, guys.
I’m pretty sure we won’t ever see something that fucking cool again.
The HALLOWEENfranchise is, without a doubt, a favorite topic of discussion here on NN and if you’ve ever looked at my list of pieces whether here on this blog, or elsewhere I’ve written for the past 10 years, you’ll come to the very correct conclusion that yes, I’m a superfan and could probably write about the subject forever without repeating myself once. However, there’s one thing that hasn’t been discussed by me, or really much anywhere, and that’s a hot take on who in the entire series of films actually deserved to die in these movies. Sure, there’s been talks here and there in forums; perhaps an article by some dopey website that aren’t even catered to horror fans. So, as a superfan myself, I’m obliged to take on the task, throw my rage at the keyboard and say “FUCK THESE GUYS, THEY HAD IT COMING.”
And no, as annoying as Tina can be in HALLOWEEN 5, she didn’t make the cut.
So let’s start slashing our way into these insufferable sons of bitches.
10. Bob (HALLOWEEN 1978)
If you’re wondering why I think Bob deserved to be strung up in the Wallace’s kitchen, the guy DID joke about ripping an eight-year-old girl’s clothes off. Plus because of his death, we wouldn’t have gotten one of the coolest shots of the entire franchise right here:
9. Kelly Meeker(HALLOWEEN 4)
The Haddonfield homewrecker, Kelly Meeker, the sheriff’s daughter, is just a total bitch. When Rachel confronted this hoe about sleeping with her boyfriend Brady (another fucking hoe) Kelly basically told Rachel that it was her fault that her man looked away and decided to spend Halloween with her instead. Ugh. She had it coming when Myers cleverly used a shotgun on her without pulling the trigger. Also, thanks for the Halloween costume inspiration!
But seriously, much love to the sweetheart that is Kathleen Kinmont. Only a fantastic actress can make us hate like that.
8. Mikey (HALLOWEEN 5)
An obvious choice if there ever was one. This prick had zero redeeming qualities. The guy only cared about his car and his dick. Tina, honey. You almost made the list because of your “electric connection” to toxic men.
Al least when you were riding with Mikey 2.0, you weren’t being verbally abused.
7. Pretty Much Everyone in HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION
I’m just going to make a bold statement and say that every single person who died in HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION, had it coming and I felt not a bit of sorry for any of them-including Laurie Strode. Everybody was just so dumb – downed and straight up intolerable. Be it their lack of common sense (Laurie with her wanting to “make sure” and that cameraman who just stood there waiting for Michael to slash his ass), or the entitlement of the entire cast of the “Internet reality show”. I literally cheered for every single one of them to go down. And let’s face it- the one guy who isn’t even really an actor per se, Busta Rhymes, is the only watchable thing in this movie at all.
Shout outHorror Netfor putting together this kill count for RESURRECTION.
6. John Strode(HALLOWEEN 6)
Another no brainer is the abusive piece of shit John Strode. The uncle of Laurie Strode is one we were all very happy to see go down when it fianlly happened- and the fact it was extra violent was even more bittersweet. Smacking around your wife and kids in a horror movie gets your head blown up. Those are the rules!
5. Dr. Ranbir Sartain(HALLOWEEN 2018)
The idea of an anti-Loomis running around Haddonfield is entertaining. But I think Micheal was just as tired of hearing him talk as the audience was. Totally deserved that curb stomp. We can all only hope that we possess the superhuman strength, endurance, and durability in our 60s that Michael Myers has in this movie.
4. The Coroner Paramedics (Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEEN 2)
As much as I despise this movie and quite frankly, think pretty much everyone in Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEEN flicks deserve what they get, this scene in particular in RZ’s H2 is fairly satisfying and brutal enough to win a Golden Chainsaw award in 2010. The pair of nasty jackasses “joking” about necrophilia with dead women was enough for me to give this film a shout-out when Michael did his thing. And it was a beautiful service for the rest of us.
3. Ronnie (Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEEN 2007)
I don’t even need to explain this one-just roll that beautiful bean footage. I do think he got off way too easy though.
2. The Entire Halloween Kills Mob That Made Lance Tivoli Commit Suicide
EVIL DIES TONIGHT. And you know what, it sort of does when this asshole mob out of pure fear, drive a man, Lance Tivoli, to his own death in a case of mistaken identity as the mob believes him to be Myers unmasked. To make it worse, the man suffered from severe mental illness. It’s a terrible tragedy to have someone who cries out for help, actively seeking medical assistance, and suffers a deathly fate for simply existing. So yes; I’m gonna let Joker take this one for Tommy Doyle and the mob of Haddonfield:
1. Michael Myers (Halloween Ends)
If you’re shocked to see Myers at number one, you just might be a sociopath. Listen, he did humanity a couple of favors by ridding a few insufferable twats from the Earth. But he also killed a lot of innocent people too, and plenty who didn’t deserve it. Danny Trejo anyone? I think the way he died was a bit weak and sort of a cop out, but then again there’s a lot I don’t agree with HALLOWEEN ENDS, and it has nothing to do with Corey. I actually thought him being the new Myers was a cool direction to go- until they killed him and fucked up their own potential. But eh, take what we can get for now, I guess. Let’s just hope the next set of reboot films gets things right this time.
Before anyone asks me why I didn’t place Conal Cochran on here, it’s because he knows his Halloween folklore, so he gets a pass from me. I respect that kind of knowledge.
